Gwenivere Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 1 hour ago, kayc said: Are people nuts?! I thought that was very inappropriate. I miss George. Anyone who saw us together saw the love we shared. Anyone who'd known him would never have made such a stupid comment. Oh Kay....yes, people are nuts and unthinking when they say things like what was said to you. What I want to know is how you restrained yourself from decking this person? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 2 hours ago, kayc said: Today I was at the senior site and some people from the Nazarene Church came and sang to us and I thought, oh great, my XH will probably be there, sure enough he was. So the lady in charge asked me who my XH was and I told her the one that just sang. She told me we made a cute couple! What?!! I got out a picture of George and I together, and I said THERE is a cute couple! Are people nuts?! I thought that was very inappropriate. I miss George. Anyone who saw us together saw the love we shared. Anyone who'd known him would never have made such a stupid comment. Oh my gosh Kay......that has GOT to rank up there as one of the worst, thoughtless, STUPID comments, ever! That had to be so hurtful.....I am so very sorry that you had to be the recipient of such a asinine remark! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 I thought it was asinine, but that's just me! I totally didn't get it. But he always makes a good impression on people...that was one of the things I hated about him. He was more interested in impressing people than he was in US, me and our kids! If they knew how phony he was...but they don't. And I wouldn't talk bad about him around town, he's my kids' dad. To this day, most people don't get why we divorced...there's what HE said, and then there's the truth. Oh well, I shouldn't let it bother me. My neighbor was there when she said that and he said he wanted to upchuck. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 12 hours ago, kayc said: I thought it was asinine, but that's just me! I totally didn't get it. But he always makes a good impression on people...that was one of the things I hated about him. He was more interested in impressing people than he was in US, me and our kids! If they knew how phony he was...but they don't. And I wouldn't talk bad about him around town, he's my kids' dad. To this day, most people don't get why we divorced...there's what HE said, and then there's the truth. Oh well, I shouldn't let it bother me. My neighbor was there when she said that and he said he wanted to upchuck. God....sounds like MY ex-husband.....he was/is VERY good at painting such a good picture of himself....I, too, restrained myself from bad-mouthing (which all would've been factual) as he is still my kid's father. My ex is a chameleon....will be whatever he chooses to garner sympathy and impress others....no one saw the monster he became to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 12 hours ago, kayc said: I thought it was asinine, but that's just me! I totally didn't get it. But he always makes a good impression on people...that was one of the things I hated about him. He was more interested in impressing people than he was in US, me and our kids! If they knew how phony he was...but they don't. And I wouldn't talk bad about him around town, he's my kids' dad. To this day, most people don't get why we divorced...there's what HE said, and then there's the truth. Oh well, I shouldn't let it bother me. My neighbor was there when she said that and he said he wanted to upchuck. Just a fun thought.....if your neighbor HAD actually upchucked....I'd hope it would be all over that idiot's shoes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 WolfsKat, yes, your ex sounds similar to mine. Mine has his good points (good genes, intelligent, hard working) but he was controlling, hard to live with, we couldn't please him, he never seemed happy with any of us, and he lied to me throughout our 23 year marriage, and some of the stuff he pulled at the end I find inconceivable. I haven't told my kids, they only know what they personally witnessed, I won't use my kids as pawns to get back at him, true or not, I won't sink to his level. I don't understand how people like that live with themselves but they seem to because they lie first and foremost to themselves. They can't be real...and they've lost touch with what real is. It's sad, but it'd take a lot of therapy to undo, and he wasn't willing for that. Yeah, it totally caught me off guard when the head of the senior center made her remark! She's a nice person, but she must be clueless! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Kay, I don't know what she was thinking. Why would you say someone made a cute couple with their EX-husband? Especially if she knew you had remarried and had been very happy. Sheesh. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 18, 2015 Report Share Posted December 18, 2015 Yeah, I bet his current wife would appreciate that! Not to mention him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 24, 2015 Report Share Posted December 24, 2015 On 12/17/2015 at 3:53 PM, mittam99 said: It's all just so overwhelming right now. I can't stop thinking about how Tammy didn't deserve any of this and how unfair life was to her. She was a sweet, beautiful, loving, gentle person. How can I live this life without her? This life of emptiness and unbearable sadness. You simple aren't supposed to die after coming home from the hospital and rehab. Tammy was in good spirits and had a renewed interest in trying to be stronger. I was so happy we were back home together again. And then, less than 48 hours later I was with her again in the hospital... but she had already gone to heaven. How could this be? How cruel is this? Tammy was only 45 years old. I'm trying to cope. Trying to function. And I do to an extent, But, most of the time I am just biding my time, going through the motions. Thoughts of Tammy bring me to tears. I find pleasure in nothing. No one really contacts me or calls. I have no one to share my life with. All I really want is Tammy. I know, Mitch. Today is a hard day for you, being your anniversary. You will never stop wanting Tammy...and here we are left with memories. Still, I hope your evening goes well for you and your memories are sweet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted December 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Thanks Kay. It's been a very difficult holiday season for me. I'm all alone and the emptiness and pain of Tammy being gone is almost too much to bear. Christmas Eve was our wedding anniversary (as you know) so you can imagine my sadness. Life was so unfair to Tammy in many ways and now it feels like the life I have... well... it's not much of a life. If I'm not working, my days consist of eating and sleeping and watching TV and not much else. Woohoo! I was exercising recently (a good thing, right?) until I tore muscles in my forearm and shoulder. I just have no "oomph" to do things. No motivation for the most part. No one to share my thoughts with. No one that loves me. I have nothing but nothingness (is that a word?). I just don't know how to live a meaningful without my special (and perfect for me) Tammy. I know I probably sound like a broken record but grief seems like the movie "Groundhog's Day" to me. Different day... same $hit. Fact is... grief sucks. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Mitch, I never thought of grief like Groundhog's Day before, but I smiled at the comparison, it can indeed seem just like that. Same day, different number on the calendar. I'm sorry you hurt yourself. I shoveled snow so much last week I was down for the count Saturday and Sunday. Monday I stayed down in the morning but had to shovel a bit in the afternoon. Today (yay!) I didn't get measurable snow so a brief respite from shoveling, it's supposed to snow tonight/tomorrow though, ugh. I've lost five lbs over the holidays from shoveling. Heck of a way to lose weight! Nothingness is in my vocabulary, even if not in Webster's. Motivation and purpose are the hardest things to get back, in my estimation. You're not yet a year into this, that's relatively short in the grand scheme of things, it may take a while yet for you to get them back. It is the journey that requires more effort than any job I've ever had. But I'm doing it...one day at a time. You will too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted December 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 I hope what I'm about to write makes sense and maybe puts some things in context... I've dealt with grief and loneliness and sadness before in my life. When my dog was killed by a hit and run driver when I was a boy, that was so sad. When my grandfather (my mother's father) took his own life, that was an overwhelming, unimaginable time in my life. When my father died of Leukemia at only 55 years old, I was crushed, but somehow I survived. Then my grandmother (my dad's mother) passed away. And then my other grandfather passed. Then my mom's mom passed away. Many of those tragedies happened in a couple year period. Needless to say, I've dealt with grief before. I became "the man of the house" when my dad died and I was very close with my mom. In 1998, my beloved mother passed away after a battle with cancer. In the last few years of her life, I was her primary caregiver, although she had a nurse with her at home in her final days. When my mom passed away I was inconsolable. The nurse later told me she had never seen a grown man cry like that. I thought my world had ended. Most of my family was now gone. At that point, my friends from my younger days had moved on. I truly felt alone. Fast forward to 1999. I remember my mother telling me that every one needed someone in their life. Someone to love and that loved them. But, I kind of figured I was never going to be lucky in love. And then, Tammy and I found each other. And my world changed. I knew she was the one the first time I held her hand in mine. I also knew that Tammy had a little 3 year old daughter and that was fine by me. And in 2000, Tammy, Katie and I became a family. And I loved that new world of being a husband and daddy. And then March 6th, 2015 happened and I lost EVERYTHING. So here I am today, in a world of hurt. Thinking of the future and realizing it's a scary thing. Everyone I have loved or loved me is gone. And the one person that I shared everything with, that put up with my quirks, that loved me like no other, is no longer here. How do I motivate myself? That fact that I turned 60 this year would have been no biggie if Tammy was here. We would have gone out to dinner to celebrate and I would have made some jokes about being an old fart. Now though, 60 seems old, especially in the context of Tammy dying at only 45 years old. I will admit, it plays on my mind. At least I do try my best. I haven't crawled up into a ball. But, damn this is hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Yes, Mitch, it is hard! And no one can tell you how to motivate yourself, I think everyone has to figure that out for themselves...and it could take years. It doesn't have to be done today. Just getting through today is a feat in itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 One of the biggest changes this has brought is that we never really made plans. Yes, for dinner or a TV show, but we just enjoyed living together day to day. The biggest were plans Steve made for gigs with his buddies. Now that he is gone and the days are so long, I try and come up with things to do to fill the extra hours. There are so many of them. This is all alien to me. Life was so easy before. Two minds bouncing off each other and life just happened. Seeking purpose was not something I ever had to do. My volunteering is still there and I added more. But I miss the simplicity of living without looking for purpose and meaning. It was just....there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 Gwen...yes, I count the hours I still have to fill each day. Last night I finally tackled the check book. I used to be so good at it. Now it was a mess. Finally did it, sort of. Looked at the clock and was so happy that I only had 3 hours left! Forgot that was the clock I never turned back, so disappointed I had to kill an extra hour. Life sure is miserable without Al. Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 I have the same issues with hours of the day. I look at the clock and it will be 7:00 and I will feel like it's midnight. Before there was never enough time, if be running from my sisters to finish up stuff before heading to bed. Now I get so bored and feel so stifled. I get tired of looking for something to do to pass the time when I never had to do that before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 30, 2015 Report Share Posted December 30, 2015 9 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Life was so easy before. Two minds bouncing off each other and life just happened. Seeking purpose was not something I ever had to do. But I miss the simplicity of living without looking for purpose and meaning. It was just....there. Life really was easy before. We never ran out of things to do nor new adventures. Spontaneity was common. We would go out to get a cup of coffee and on the way start chasing a beautiful sunset only to come home two days later having taken one back road after another exploring territitories we had never seen. Filling ones days just happened. Now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 2, 2016 Report Share Posted January 2, 2016 Feralfae: Thanks for posting. It helps me to hear that others have had a long journey and survived it. You said your husband had been gone 3 years; mine has been gone 6 1/2 months and I feel like I will never survive this; but hearing from you makes me think just maybe it's possible. I'm always looking for strategies to feel better, but nothing really does the trick yet. We were also dealing with my husband's cancer for 3 years before he died; not all of knowing he was terminal, but he was having issues all the same. I do feel depleted and lost to myself. I keep trying.....Janice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 2, 2016 Report Share Posted January 2, 2016 Janice, It is so hard to be a caregiver and then have to deal with the grief of losing someone so close. My wife had lung cancer for 17 months before she died. After she died I suffered from anticipatory insomnia. For those seventeen months my life was taking care of Deedo, making sure she got her meds, getting her to her treatments, helping with whatever she needed help with, being a support, fielding communication with her friends, you name it. When she died 5 months and three days ago suddenly I had nothing to do but take care of myself and I had little interest in doing that. Yes you are depleted; throughout those three years there were far more depletions than there were replenishers. You will survive. Right now you need to surround yourself with people who can replenish you. I hope you have a grief counselor; if not I encourage you to find one, a good one, someone you can be comfortable with. Also know this is a wonderful place to just vent. There are many caring and compassionate people here who can help as you move through this process. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 3, 2016 Report Share Posted January 3, 2016 17 hours ago, Janice Cox said: I'm always looking for strategies to feel better, but nothing really does the trick yet. We were also dealing with my husband's cancer for 3 years before he died; not all of knowing he was terminal, but he was having issues all the same. I do feel depleted and lost to myself. I keep trying.....Janice Janice, this is still a new and raw loss. So many emotions, questions, pain and loneliness. We've all in there with you. Having been a caregiver for almost 5 years to my husband, one if the hardest transitions was losing my 'job'. It became a part of daily life as it had for many here. I hated it because of the disease and hat it was doing to our life, our limited time left. It's an odd feeling to get all this time back not having to do things revolving around the illness, but feel so fatigued. I think it is because we get used to running on adrenaline. Feeling lost is also a part of it. I felt the person I was died with him. I'm still trying to figure out who I am alone now. Each of our journeys is unique, but I can pretty much guarantee whatever strategy you try, there will be many that can relate and share with you. It really helps to know you aren't alone as you walk this path. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 3, 2016 Report Share Posted January 3, 2016 Gwenivere: Thanks so much for the input. I too lost my job while my husband was sick; got laid off and then took an on-line course. Just as I jot a job, he was re-diagnosed with the terminal cancer, so I quit the job. Now, I don't want to do that job (medical transcription) because of the associations and it's done at home. So, I can relate to you and the lostness of having that happen. I have been looking for part-time work outside the home. I need to be out, as being alone here is very difficult. I am also thinking about taking a different on-line program for the future. Of course all of this is laden with sorrow and having to keep pushing ahead. It feels like a job of its own. I certainly know what you are saying about the emptiness of having nothing to focus on after your loved one dies. It's a killer isn't it? What are you doing now....looking for work? I also find trying to figure out who I am intimidating. You are so entwined in life with that other loved person. I just wonder how it works itself out. I think I mentioned I have a lot of anxiety. I guess it's no wonder. Good to talk to you and everyone. So sorry for the loss of your husband also....Janice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 3, 2016 Report Share Posted January 3, 2016 Mitch, I haven't seen you back here since my reply, I'm afraid this thread has gotten hopelessly off topic/threadjacked, sorry! I hope you'll come back here, let us know how you're doing. Sorry I missed your last call (I tried you back but you were gone), my electricity has been out so much lately and I think it was when it had just come back on and I was out dealing with the pipes and water situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 3, 2016 Report Share Posted January 3, 2016 Janice, I meant I lost my job as caregiver and wife. I volunteer several days a week and have for 22 years. Losing Steve changed everything about my full home life. I don't need to work and doubt I could handle that if I wanted to. I am finding I exceedingly hard to be around day to day chit chat because my world seems so surreal. Things look the same but feel alien. I make sure I get out every day, but I see couples and overhear conversations I would love to have again. It's like a Catch 22. A no win situation for the time being. We do the best we can given where we are. I've also passed the phase I feel this is a nightmare I will wake from and he will be here. That is my big hurdle now. It was all do simple before. I keep wanting that back, like everyone here. As for how it works out....we are all in that together too. I wish none of us were. But grateful to know we are not alone as out in the world, we look fine. If only they knew. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted January 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 On 1/3/2016 at 1:05 PM, kayc said: Mitch, I haven't seen you back here since my reply, I'm afraid this thread has gotten hopelessly off topic/threadjacked, sorry! I hope you'll come back here, let us know how you're doing. Yes it has. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 Been wondering how you're doing, it's been about a month since I've seen you here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now