Dealing With Those "moments"

[littlebro]

I totally agree with you, Mitch; Life certainly is NOT fair.

[debi.williams]

I think we discover every day how true that is Kay. There are, sadly, a million little ways their presence is missed. Whether it is discussing the news or cooking a meal or fixing a leak. It is endless .....

[mittam99]

So true Debi...

I did virtually all the cooking in our house and I loved seeing Tammy's face light up when I made something delicious. Now there's no real joy in cooking for myself.

One of the big things in our life was humor. Be it a funny story I told Tammy about my adventures at work or a funny comment about something we saw on tv or just some random joke. My whole life, I've been a funny guy and I love making people laugh. I still have those funny things to say, but now, it all stays in my head or maybe I just say it out loud (to myself). I mean, I do make people laugh at work and that's fine but I spend most of my time alone at home.

On another note, another widower (customer of mine) was telling me today the only thing that got him over his grief was finding a new woman. That's great for him but that's not me. I found the one great love of my life in Tammy and she's all I ever wanted (and needed).

 

Edited October 27, 2015 by mittam99

[Guest]

Mitch-

I wish Deedo had encouraged me to help in the kitchen but I am a disaster and she was smart by banishing me. Now, however, I need to forage around for things I can cook. I'm finding a blend of frozen dinners and a few things I can do to spruce them up works. My SIL cooks as much,if not more than,my daughter and I am envious. 

[kayc]

Brad, one of the things I've learned is try throwing everything into a pot that sounds like it'd go together...and it usually does.  There are tons of recipes on line too and you can tell by reading them if they sound easy or too difficult for a novice.  If it has a bunch of weird sounding stuff and tools you don't own, you can probably pass on them.

And you're right, sometimes just adding parmesian or garlic to a frozen meal will spruce it up.

Mitch, I felt the same way as you when George died.  Now, however, I have to make more attempt to cook for ME as it's the only way I'm going to get healthy sustenance and survive.  I've had to learn I'm worth it and although it's not as enjoyable as cooking for George was, it's necessary.

[Guest]

I understand. Those moments can be very hard to bear. Crying and journaling helped me a lot when those moments were frequent and fierce. Now, although I still have times of sorrow and tears, my days are calmer and far more peacefully appreciated. The birds are singing and the flowers are beginning to bloom, and I am happy to be alive, even if Doug is not here to delight in the flowers with me, I can feel his spirit smiling at me "fussing with her blooms." Life is forever changed, but good things are starting to fill some of my hours. I am glad you are staying with us here on Earth. {{{hugs}}}

 

When our Beloved is gone, we feel as though life has ended, and in a way, it has. The life we shared with our Beloved is gone, and now we are left to find a new balance, to try to heal our broken hearts, to learn to carry the grief, to learn so many things that are a part of living without our Beloved.

 

Although it is painful and terribly difficult, we can make it one day at a time, have the courage to feel our feelings, to hold our broken hearts and care for our bodies, and to e ourselves in the best health as we can.

 

My Doug has been gone three years, and before that, I was his caregiver for three years. By the time he left, I was entirely debilitated and completely lost to myself. There are others here who have been caregivers for years. We know how draining, how precious, how painful, and how love-filled those days of caregiving can be. And then, after pouring our lived into caring for our Beloved, suddenly they are gone. No amount of knowing that they are leaving can prepare us for the moment when they actually slip away. Our hearts break, our breath catches, and the tears flood from our eyes until we cannot see, and still we sob and wail and shake and whimper. We need to do this to release the pain and loss in a truly human way.

 

I hope you have a good meeting with your grief counselor. I think you will. It will help you to understand how normal your grief is and also how unique it is, and how to begin to find some ground to sit on, even if you cannot stand yet.

 

Be ever so gentle with yourself. I am sorry the family is not more emotional support for you. That can be especially rough. Come here and post, let us know how you are doing, and we will keep you in our prayers and hearts.

 

Blessings,

feralfae

This post spoke to me.  I lost my husband 4 1/2 months ago to throat cancer.  We were dealing with it for 4 years, when he was first diagnosed, and we were fighting for him to live up until he died.  I definitely feel lost, as were married for 46 years and he was my anchor and security.  I had come from a dysfunctional childhood before meeting him.  I'm hoping there is light at the end of this tunnel.  I have been having more and more anxiety as time goes on.  It's strange because in the first few months I would have moments of feeling like things would be okay, and now I carry more anxiety.  Wondering if that happened to you.  Good wishes to you....Janice Cox

[Margm]

Janice, the anxiety is there.  I don't know how to deal with it either.  Some of my friends took to anger and I cannot do that.  My mom took to anger.  It is an emotion just like the panicky feelings we are having.  I have no solution, but I am going searching for one.  I cannot take antidepressants because of a colon rupture from the radiation I had for cancer 33 years ago.  I do not know now to approach all this, but I am going bear hunting with a switch, so to speak.  I wish we all did not hurt so much.  Someone mentioned loving so much being a curse when you lose that love.  It is a hard load to bear, but would not have missed it for the world.  We had someone to share with for a long time.  I don't know which path I will take, I am totally lost, but I am  going searching.  Hope has to be our reward sometime, somewhere.

[kayc]

Janice,

Welcome to this group of caring people.  I am sorry for your loss, that sounds so trite, but knowing how it feels, it comes from a deep place within me.

Anxiety is common in early stages of grief and can continue if we don't learn how to deal with it.  It helps to take one day at a time and not look too far beyond that...sometimes we have to shrink that to one minute at a time, or all that we can handle at that given moment.  We don't need to worry about ten years from now, we have our hands full with today.  Sometimes we're looking for answers when it would help to just "be".  Some of our questions have no answers anyway.

My XH had throat cancer, it's a very hard thing to deal with.  It sounds like you had a wonderful husband, wow, 46 years!  Margaret is right, the deeper we loved, the deeper the grief, but I wouldn't trade one ounce of the love we shared for anything in the world, even though it comes to rue in grief now.

[MartyT]

Again, dear ones, I encourage you to read this article and follow some of the links embedded there. We've learned so much about managing anxiety and panic attacks in the last few years, and reading this will give you some suggestions that you can try right now: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

[Guest]

Thanks for all responses.  It does help to know I'm not alone...that this is normal and I'm hoping will pass in time.  I have ordered some meditation tapes from this site on dealing with anxiety and deep grief; hoping those will help, as I try to meditate and have a hard time staying with it.  Thanks Kayc and Margaret for sharing your stories with me.  Yes, throat cancer is a hard one; a lot of painful memories of suffering.  I also wouldn't trade the years, but sometimes feel like it's so unfair to have to suffer even more now.  Margaret, I'm with you, I don't know how to approach all this either, and I like your "bear hunting with a switch" analogy.  I also will try as hard as I can to get through this.  Antidepressants scare me, so I'm trying to avoid that, but I suppose if things get bad enough I would try it too.  My condolences to all of you; hope to talk some more. 

[kayc]

I do hope you'll read Marty's link, there's good information shared there.

Yes, bear hunting with a switch.  I've come upon bears on my walks...I would not want to try a switch on one!  Very apt analogy.

[mittam99]

Life without Tammy sucks... in so many ways. It's been 8 months to the day that Tammy died suddenly and unexpectedly. Today was a rough day at work. I'm not sure why but every customer of mine seemed to be a problem customer. By the end of the day, I was about ready to scream...

Leaving work meant going home to my house. In the past that would have cured what ailed me. Tammy would be there and the smile would return to my face. Now there's no comfort, no sharing and no love. 

Yeah life without Tammy sucks. I miss her so much.

[Guest]

Mitch 

I feel badly that today was so challenging. It is amazing how Tammy for you and Deedo for me could make those days good again. You're right it does suck. 

[Margm]

I am fortunate that after 43 years, I finally decided to retire completely.  I had officially retired twice before, but I liked my job.  I could do it in the house and Billy could putter around making his flies, wrapping rod blanks (our kids inherited his artistic ability, and also his obsessiveness).  In later years he admitted some of the ways he was obsessive and we laughed at it.  He was able to put his energy into his artistic abilities, like his photography.  I miss this.  They say don't make plans, but I have them in place.  Whether I live to carry them out only God knows.  Until then, I will just trod on.  Not even a month yet.  Just three weeks yesterday.  Have to go carry out more business tomorrow.  Spent one hour and 46 minutes trying to talk to someone about his Medicare.  I will not use the phone, I will go to the office.  It is only 40 minutes travel.  The music they use on most of these "holds" just aggravates the dickens out of me anyhow.  

I do have to count my blessings.  I have many friends who belong to this society of widows that none of us want to belong  to.  They do not offer sympathy, they offer empathy.  I have a sister who has to take care of my mother, and my mother has Alzheimer's.  My sister is very protective of my feelings and because of her advanced degrees in college, working with psychology, working with me, she really helps me.  And you, you who have gone through this, you who are still suffering as much as I am, you help me too.  I hope I can share some measure of hope with you all too.  Like Billy told me "the one who is left should live."  I have a book written by a pastor's wife, I think it  is called "Grace for the Widow."  A chapter is devoted to the one who is left should live.  I have to admit though......sometimes it really is a hard thing to do.  We hope and pray for better days.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you had such a rough day, Mitch.  I hope this weekend went better!  Yes, it is times like that in which we need them the most.

[mittam99]

I'm having a very hard time this holiday season. I did go to Thanksgiving at my sisters house, but honestly, it just doesn't feel like I have a lot to be thankful for. Realistically, how else can I feel? My biggest treasure in life was having Tammy by my side and sharing our life together.

Christmas was Tammy's favorite holiday (so much so I said "let's get married on Christmas eve"). You can only imagine how hard our anniversary day of December 24th is going to be for me.

This new, lonely, empty and meaningless life sucks. I long for Tammy. I ache for her. I cry for her. I want and need my old life and my old world back.

I'm trying the best I can but it  all seems so futile to a large extent.

Tammy was the only person who truly loved me for me.  Life without love isn't easy.

I miss being her knight in shining armor. I miss her soft skin. Her sweet lips. I miss the smile on her face that could light up a room.

Tammy was not just my wife, Not just my best friend. Not just my soul mate. She truly was all that was good in my life.

 

[kayc]

Oh Mitch, I hear you.  It was that way for us too.  I will be thinking of you on Christmas Eve.  I know it's tough.

[Gwenivere]

Mitch, I wasn't a member of this forum when you began posting, but I read the thread and how hard this has been for you.  I don't know if you are still in counseling, but I know I depend on that as time makes it harder to have people understand this does not go away in a timely fashion like they have read about meaning stages of grief and magical milestones where things get better.  Holidays are so hard for everyone on this path.  Your wedding anniversary was something so romantic you did for Tammy and there was no way to know (and who even thinks about that when marrying because it is such a happy occasion) it would become what it has.  Having been a caregiver for years before losing Steve is tough too.  It's so hard to block those images of suffering.  My mind eventually took over and started to fade them so I rarely go there anymore.  That time is done and over and has nothing but pain to give when I think about Steve.  I find thinking of the good times harder now because THAT is what I really miss.  I have no wisdom that I wish I could give you except that we all here had the greatest gift of the people we shared our lives with who did love us unconditionally as we did them.  There are many who cannot say that and while they may be spared some pain because of that, they will never know the joys we had.  Even if accessing them hurts more than be described.   This will be my 2nd Christmas alone and I prefer that than trying to pretend I feel festive.  It was a day that we spent alone together anyway.  Trying to replace that would never work.  I hope you find some peace bring 'with' her on your anniversary and the holiday.  She is in your heart, but I understand missing her physically.   We want to touch, hold, smell and embrace them.  

[mittam99]

I've been dealing with a lot of those moments recently. After all, December 24th is Tammy and my wedding anniversary. It also was Tammy's absolute favorite holiday. Thinking about what should have been, would have been and could have been is eating me up. This should be a time of happiness and Christmas music and watching those classic Christmas movies and shows we loved so much. Now, even the thought of watching one of our many Holiday dvd's like "Holiday Affair" has my stomach in knots and me crying out "I CAN'T WATCH THAT!!". Tammy and I should be cuddling on the sofa watching A Christmas Carol. We should be together, like we always were.

Instead here I am, alone, in anguish and contemplating what this new life is about.

And missing Tammy more each day.

 

[kayc]

I know, Mitch.  Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying, but what else is there?  I decorated my house, and there's been noone to see it but me.  It's kind of the pits to be so alone.  I'll be here if you want to call Christmas Eve...

[hollowheart]

Mittam, that is EXACTLY how I feel too! I feel like 'this year and this Christmas was supposed to be the best Christmas ever because of certain things we were doing and had going this year. And for it to end like this, it's just beyond unfair. Just cruel.

When you mentioned the Christmas movies that really brought tears to my eyes. I love Christmas and all the hub bub about it and especially the movies. I haven't watched any movies in over a month. They just aren't enjoyable doing it alone. Certain parts of the movie happen and I have no one to comment to. Just depresses me.

[Guest]

I don't watch movies or tv for that matter because I can't focus. I'll put something on but after a few minutes I'm wandering aimlessly around the house doing things that don't really need doing. By the time I sit down again the movie is almost over I don't have a clue what it's about. 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, Brad said:

I don't watch movies or tv for that matter because I can't focus. I'll put something on but after a few minutes I'm wandering aimlessly around the house doing things that don't really need doing. By the time I sit down again the movie is almost over I don't have a clue what it's about. 

I've developed a 'restlesssness' also.  I can't seem to sit still very long because my mind is always buzzing about things to do and as you said, not necessarily needed or could wait.  I don't feel relaxed, safe, settled or content like I used to.  So I do things to use up the energy or try and make the time and anxiety pass.  It's very frustrating.  Sometimes I just wander around without purpose.  I am always aware of the time too.  So many hours to fill on my own and how slowly they pass.  I feel that a lot when I am out.  Don't want to get home too early because I don't know what to do.  And yet I don't want to be 'out there'.  It's a conundrum.  But the answer is simple about feeling this way to me and I am sure to everyone.  We don't want to be alone and every day seems to get a little harder for me.  I am not adapting to the emptiness, I'm becoming more aware of it the longer he is gone.  Take that you magical milestone people that keep crossing my path!  

 

[mittam99]

It's all just so overwhelming right now. I can't stop thinking about how Tammy didn't deserve any of this and how unfair life was to her. She was a sweet, beautiful, loving, gentle person. How can I live this life without her? This life of emptiness and unbearable sadness.

You simple aren't supposed to die after coming home from the hospital and rehab. Tammy was in good spirits and had a renewed interest in trying to be stronger. I was so happy we were back home together again. And then, less than 48 hours later I was with her again in the hospital... but she had already gone to heaven.  How could this be? How cruel is this? Tammy was only 45 years old.

I'm trying to cope. Trying to function. And I do to an extent, But, most of the time I am just biding my time, going through the motions. Thoughts of Tammy bring me to tears. I find pleasure in nothing.

No one really contacts me or calls. I have no one to share my life with.

All I really want is Tammy.

[kayc]

Today I was at the senior site and some people from the Nazarene Church came and sang to us and I thought, oh great, my XH will probably be there, sure enough he was.  So the lady in charge asked me who my XH was and I told her the one that just sang.  She told me we made a cute couple!  What?!!  I got out a picture of George and I together, and I said THERE is a cute couple!  Are people nuts?!  I thought that was very inappropriate.  I miss George.  Anyone who saw us together saw the love we shared.  Anyone who'd known him would never have made such a stupid comment.