Dealing With Those "moments"

[scba]

The easy answer would be that she'd want me to be happy somehow and to go on living. But, at the same time, I know what shereally wanted was to have her health and for us to live that life of love and happiness together.

This is how I feel too. I rationally understand he is not suffering anymore and he is in peace, but at the same time he wanted this "down here", with me. He fought for that his whole life and we didn't make it. But I stopped asking why.

I believe it takes long time to find out who we are now that they are gone.

 

Debi, I don't remember in which thread I read that you are having a meeting with a grief counselor, I hope it is going to be helpful. I still attend regular meetings. It helps me. 

Edited September 30, 2015 by scba

[debi.williams]

Thanks Scba. I realise that I can't manage my feelings alone and I have to be the best I can for my son. It is reassuring to hear that it helps. i also looked for an English speaking group here in Brussels that I can attend (counselling  so expensive here, one to one) but haven't found anything as yet 

[mittam99]

Some random thoughts about my grief "journey".

I'm trying to live my life in a way that honors Tammy. I just feel so lucky that I had such an amazing wife who loved me so much. Why do I feel guilty that I am still here? When I laugh I feel like I need to apologize to Tammy. If I make something tasty to eat, I feel guilty that Tammy can't enjoy it as well. If I buy something for myself, I feel guilty. It's as if my mind is telling me that a life without my beloved Tammy should be torture. Is this madness?

I look at pictures of Tammy and her smile makes me feel better when I'm down... then that smile turn to tears, anguish and pain. She should still be here. No one as sweet and loving as Tammy should lose their life at only 45 years old.

Why did God give her these horrendous medical issues for most of her life? 

I miss her so much and it hurts so bad. Life without Tammy to put it bluntly, sucks.

Edited October 1, 2015 by mittam99

[debi.williams]

Mitch we have so many questions don't we? I wish we could find the answers we seek but I know it will not be on this earthly plane. Tammy SHOULD be here at just 45 years old. My husband SHOULD be here at just 49 years old, that they are not is what breaks us. All I can say is that even if I had known what was going to happen when I first met him, I would do it all over again and I know you would too. 

Your feelings aren't madness - although grief is like a form of madness- they are normal, as is the guilt. That Tammy wouldn't in a million years, want you to feel that way is no comfort when we feel it. The truth is though, we have to eat in order to live (so why not make it tasty to tempt us to eat and keep our strength up) otherwise we will dishonor them by getting sick. At the end of the day, what made me happy was to see my husband and son happy and I know the only way to make my husband happy is to live. Live the years (if possible) so cruelly denied him in his honor. I have nothing else I can give him now.

You're right Mitch though...'It sucks'

[Froggie4635]

I agree with the "it sucks".  Why, when it took me all my life to find Mark, did he have to leave at 53.  Our life together was just beginning.  We hadn't thought to try and plot out all our years together, because we thought we had TIME.  This Sunday will be 10 months he has been gone. Life goes on, but I'm not ready to MOVE on.  I read all the books who tell me to "talk" to Mark just like he is here.  When I try, I feel the emotions coming and the only sentence I can get out is "I MISS YOU".  I understand and accept that what I feel and how I feel it and how I express it is OKAY.  I do understand, Mitch, feeling lost and wanting to know WHY.  I came to understand, very early on, THAT question was not going to be answered.  I knew I didn't want to keep myself in that place, and perhaps that is part of acceptance.  But also, I STILL find there are moments where I cannot believe I am no longer going to see Mark like I had before, in the day to day living of my life.  I honor him each and every day, and I also honor myself and the love we shared.  That doesn't mean I still don't break down crying (this last time over a jar of bacon grease in the fridge).  Everything was not perfect for us, and I am not going to wear rose-colored glasses.  Mark had issues, and did things that were detrimental to his health.  Everyone has their own faith and beliefs in how things go.  What I believe and what everyone else believes will be different.  The fact is that each of us is going to die.  When we marry, we don't think about who will die first and how there will be this awful grief.  Now we have to find a way to create a life that does not include the person we loved with all our hearts...how is that possible?  The best answer I can come up with at this time is what is the alternative?  We have now become the survivor. Survivor, not victim.  I LOVED Mark, just like you loved Tammy, and everyone else loved their spouse.  And this REALLY stinks.  It will take a very LONG time to find our way, and there will be many pitfalls along this journey.  But if we remember the strength we had when our loved one was with us, and keep it in our heart, we can make it.  It is NOT going to be the same, ever.  And for some, different is not acceptable.  That comfortable feeling we had between us has been taken away.  It leaves us shaky, and scared, and alone and broken.  It is a LOT to take, and that is why handling it one day at a time is how we will make it. 

[kayc]

Mitch,

It's not uncommon for people to feel guilty for enjoying anything when their spouse died.  A lot of times we connect our grief to the relationship and we're afraid of moving further away from them.  Learning that we are NOT moving further away from them by living our lives helps us understand that we do not need to feel bad for enjoying something in life.  We can take them WITH us by carrying them in our heart, talking to them, remembering and honoring them.  This needn't prevent us from enjoying a good meal or laughing at something funny.  

Yep, my husband shouldn't have died right after his 51st birthday either.  It seems so unfair that some get to live to be 90 and others are taken so young.  ESPECIALLY when we just found each other 6 1/2 years before!

[mittam99]

Debi, Maryann and Kay...

Thank you for your wonderful replies. It means a lot to me that you take the time to write those thoughtful words.

[Dew's Girl]

Mitch, 

I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty.  In a few months, it will be a year since I lost Daniel.  It seems unfathomable to me that I would still be living life without him a year later.  I don't know what I expected would happen, but that doesn't feel right.  I know that your Tammy was your center and it must feel so dizzying to not have her in your life.  

 

Marianne, 

Your words surprised me because I didn't realize until reading them that I do the same thing. When I try to talk to Daniel, all that comes out is "I miss you" "I love you" and "Where are you?".  After reading that, it prompted me to write a little letter to him in my blog.  I think it might have helped a little.  Thank you.

[iPraiseHim]

I agree with what everyone has wrote here. We each need to find our own way through this grief, but we don't have to do this alone.  i find comfort reading others thoughts and feelings and know that people understand this "club" none of us asked to join.  Our lives are changed different.  I cherished each day with my love, my soulmate, my best friend.  We need to find our way, with love, grace, hope and friends who are traveling the same path.  I struggle, fall down, get up and move forward.  Try to sort out the feeling, emotions from the reality of life.  I am still struggling to accept the fact that I will never see my wife again.  I thought I accepted it already, but for me it is a more gradual progress. I'm just trying to live each day, not on my own strength and willpower.  I operate best when I realize that in my weakness is the Lord's strength.  So I pray, ask for God's help and step out in faith even when I don't personally want to or "fell" like it.  I am thankful we found each other here and can love and lift each other up.  We are not alone until we chose to isolate ourselves.  May the Lord bless your journey.  Shalom

[mittam99]

What's extra hard for me is that Tammy truly was my world. My one and only happiness. I'm pretty much alone in this world now. It's hard to come home from work and not be able to share the day with Tammy or make her laugh or love on her. I have a lot of things to say and no one there to listen. What a life!

As an adult, I never was one who had a ton of friends (mostly just acquaintances and co-workers). Tammy's daughter Katie and her family have shown they have no interest in maintaining a relationship with their "ex-daddy", "ex-son-in-law" and "ex brother-in-law". I loved Tammy with everything I had and still do yet Tammy's family treats me with apathy. For the first seven years I was with Tammy and her health was relatively good, Tammy's family told me I was amazing for Tammy and Katie. As Tammy's health declined, their view of me seemed to change. I try not to dwell on it, but still, it hurts.

I'm glad my sisters understand how losing Tammy is a horrific, life altering event. Unlike Tammy's side of the family, they do seem to care and I'm thankful fr that.

 

Edited October 3, 2015 by mittam99

[kayc]

I'm glad for that too, Mitch.  My husband's side of the family hasn't been heard from since he first passed, most did not even attend his funeral...so I guess it's not just a disinterest in me, but in him also.  Hard to understand!  My sisters have been there for me, as much as they can (we live all over the state but try to stay in touch as much as we can), and I know my kids will always care and miss George.  George's kids live clear across the US but I hear from his daughter once in a great while and a Christmas card from his son...I am glad to even have that.

[kevin]

I understand. Those moments can be very hard to bear. Crying and journaling helped me a lot when those moments were frequent and fierce. Now, although I still have times of sorrow and tears, my days are calmer and far more peacefully appreciated. The birds are singing and the flowers are beginning to bloom, and I am happy to be alive, even if Doug is not here to delight in the flowers with me, I can feel his spirit smiling at me "fussing with her blooms." Life is forever changed, but good things are starting to fill some of my hours. I am glad you are staying with us here on Earth. {{{hugs}}}

 

When our Beloved is gone, we feel as though life has ended, and in a way, it has. The life we shared with our Beloved is gone, and now we are left to find a new balance, to try to heal our broken hearts, to learn to carry the grief, to learn so many things that are a part of living without our Beloved.

 

Although it is painful and terribly difficult, we can make it one day at a time, have the courage to feel our feelings, to hold our broken hearts and care for our bodies, and to e ourselves in the best health as we can.

 

My Doug has been gone three years, and before that, I was his caregiver for three years. By the time he left, I was entirely debilitated and completely lost to myself. There are others here who have been caregivers for years. We know how draining, how precious, how painful, and how love-filled those days of caregiving can be. And then, after pouring our lived into caring for our Beloved, suddenly they are gone. No amount of knowing that they are leaving can prepare us for the moment when they actually slip away. Our hearts break, our breath catches, and the tears flood from our eyes until we cannot see, and still we sob and wail and shake and whimper. We need to do this to release the pain and loss in a truly human way.

 

I hope you have a good meeting with your grief counselor. I think you will. It will help you to understand how normal your grief is and also how unique it is, and how to begin to find some ground to sit on, even if you cannot stand yet.

 

Be ever so gentle with yourself. I am sorry the family is not more emotional support for you. That can be especially rough. Come here and post, let us know how you are doing, and we will keep you in our prayers and hearts.

 

Blessings,

feralfae

[Harleyquinn]

it's so sad to hear about family not talking to you anymore

i've been lucky and Michael's mother has embraced me.

although he and I were separated at the time of his passing she knows how much we loved each other and believes I am part of him. Because he loves me, she continues to love and embrace me. I can't tell you how much peace that has brought me. I reached out to her when i heard about Michael's passing and I was nervous she would reject my attempt to talk to her. Being brought in like family still has made me really feel like i was always part of him, even at the times we weren't together. 

[mittam99]

Another thing that makes this grief journey so hard...

The few people that were willing to listen to me talk about Tammy seem to be less interested as time goes by. I know I shouldn't take it personally because it's on them but it still hurts. I look at it as not just disinterest in me but as a lack of respect to Tammy.

People still continue to amaze me with the ridiculous things they sometimes say. A customer of mine (a recent widower as well) told me  "Mitch, you know what you need? You need a woman". He knew it had just been a few months for me. Seriously?

Most people just don't get it. Tammy was all I ever wanted. I don't want someone else... ever.

I just feel so heartbroken.

[kayc]

Mitch,

I'm sorry you received such an inappropriate comment.  No, what you need is Tammy back!  I just wish there was a way to make it happen.  If I didn't have absolute faith that we'd be together again, I don't know how I could handle it.  I've met some over the years that believe when you die that's it...they had a much harder time with death than those of us who believe we have something to hope in and wait for.

George and my friends all disappeared on me when he died, I was amazed! Unfortunately, this is all too common.  It's one of the sad hard truths when we lose someone we love...we seem to lose everyone.  Have you thought about trying a grief support group?  I wish I'd had one near me, but they were all too far away for me to attend.

Edited October 6, 2015 by kayc

[mittam99]

I just don't know about the group idea yet. While I certainly find this forum to be helpful and enlightening at times, I don't know how well I'd do in an in-person group. I'd be worried that listening to so many others in pain might just be a little bit too gut wrenching at this moment. I mean, I watch TV and the moment I see something that relates to Tammy I either start crying or need to switch the channel or fast forward because it's so upsetting. Just this morning I was watching a show where they mentioned a woman had gotten Lupus and ... I burst out into tears. This new life is so hard because it's a life without Tammy.

Edited October 7, 2015 by mittam99

[MartyT]

The choice is up to you, of course, Mitch ~ but there are advantages to participating in an "in person" grief support group, and the time may come when you feel strong enough to join one. Having facilitated many such groups over the years, I can say without reservation that they have enormous healing power. (Perhaps some of our members will share with you their own experiences with grief support in a group setting.) 

You might do a bit of reading about support groups before you decide. See, for example, Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits?  

Be sure to take a look at these articles as well:

• Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You
• My First Experience with Grief Support
• After the Last Bereavement Gathering
• Grief Support Group Didn't Help -- Now What?
• Grief Support Groups: Positives and Pitfalls

[Guest]

Mitch -  

This is coming strictly from my perspective.  There are many things you say that hit home with me:  I too have had few friends for the past lots of years; Deedo was my life and all I ever wanted or needed.  My life is empty and pretty meaningless without her.  

When I was first hit with grief everything was very dark and gloomy and all I could think about was joining her; that's all I wanted and still want. At the same time I kept reflecting on how hard Deedo fought to keep going; to grasp one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I believed then that my doing something stupid would be an insult to her memory. So three weeks after Deedo died I called the counselor who had worked with both of us as we faced the challenges of lung cancer. She saw me the next day. 

Since then I've continued to see her weekly, joined a Hospice of the Valley support group, check this website frequently, am currently reading five different books on grief. Anything I can do to honor Deedo. 

Support groups are a microcosm of society as grief hits all of us at one time or another. There are those who I respect and feel I can take something that they shared and there are those who, while I understand they're grieving, tend to be a little over the top with their focus and comments. A little less credible. There are those (I'm afraid I might be in this group) who dominate the conversation and those who come and say very little. 

Through my group I have begun to build a network of people I can call when things become difficult for me and I can't cope. I find it much easier to talk to others who know what I am saying and can share their grief for their loved ones as well. People who have not suffered this level of grief really are clueless as to what we are all going through. 

It is for these reasons I would encourage you to at least give a group a try; keeping in mind that groups are different so if one is not a fit then try another. For me it's worth a 190 mile drive each way to come to the Valley twice a month to go to group. Give Hospice of the Valley a call or go on line to find groups in your area. 

Brad

[enna]

My experience was a positive one. I was already involved in one-on-one grief support and it was my grief counselor who suggested that I might like attending the in-person grief support group that met twice a month. It was around the holidays (the first since my Jim died) and anything and everything would bring me to tears.

I went to several meetings and found the group very supportive. The group was mixed meaning that the people who attended had various losses not just spousal loss.

A negative for me was that there were different people at each meeting and that for me didn’t allow for continuity. There were some who were more vocal than others, but the grief counselor always moved us along.

Sharing with one another was cathartic for me. It did tug at my heart to hear the pain some were going through especially if the loss was only a few weeks old.

One of the things I learned about the in-person meetings was that we were there to share our stories and no one felt like they had to talk. It was an opportunity to speak about our loved ones and that alone was enough for me ~ I was surrounded by people who “got” what I was going through and this comforted me.

I attended several meetings and then drifted away. I needed some place to go that understood the loss of a spouse and found myself coming back to this forum where you can focus only on a thread that has particular meaning for you.

Not all in person grief support groups are the same so if one doesn’t fit try another one. I was lucky enough to live in a city where the grief healers were excellent.

One of the most beautiful things available to us was a holiday celebration that HOV offered each year. It is held in the Phoenix area central to most for easy attendance. Pictures of our loved ones are projected onto a large screen and the entire celebration is very moving. This communal gathering made a huge impact on my healing.  I did not go last year, but I am thinking of attending again this year. It seems a perfect way to begin the holiday season.

[mittam99]

It's been a couple weeks since I last posted. I was thinking about my original premise for this topic.. "dealing with THOSE moments" ...

Those moments when the grief hit me so hard and was so overwhelming that it didn't seem possible to go on with this life. Those moments when things were so emotionally bad that suicide became a word that popped into my head.

When Tammy passed away, my life was shattered. After all, she was everything positive in my life. She was my happiness and her love made me feel so special. When she died suddenly, and at only 45 years old, my world became a bleak and empty place. How could this happen? What didn't I do right? The guilt began to consume me. Yes, she had been dealing with that horrible disease systemic lupus for over 20 years but in my mind, she wasn't ever going to die. She would be with me forever. Yet on the horrible evening of March 6, 2015 she was gone forever. I was devastated and truly felt like my life was over too.

Now well over seven months later, some things have changed and some haven't. My grief is still overwhelming. I miss Tammy with every fiber of my being. I still feel like so lonely and so empty without Tammy. The difference now is that when those gut wrenching grief waves hit me, I realize I do not want to die. Yes, I want to be with my Tammy again but...

I realize that I need to live this life that I was given and live it in a way that keeps Tammy's memory alive and honors who she was and the love she gave me.

 

Edited October 24, 2015 by mittam99

[Harleyquinn]

Mitch

I totally get everything your saying, Michael died from complications from cirrhosis of the liver. I knew he had it- but somehow  i thought, it wouldn't  take him- regardless of the fact that he didn't take great care of himself.... i don't really know what i thought....part of it was i couldn't my mind couldn't process the idea of him dying..part of it might of just been naivety; i'm 33 years old and i've never lost any one close to me....

When Michael passed, i also did not want to live anymore- darkness swept over my mind, heart and soul. i've had a lot of really hard moments in my life and this was the first time i really really wanted to die. 

things is still darkness for me and i have a feeling there always will be. but i realized last night that as much as i thought Michael would never die, at least not at the age of 43, i shouldn't make the same mistake with myself. I will die one day. I don't know when that day will come but it will......it could be a week from now or it could be 60 years from now. I really don't know. and I want to make something of whatever time i have left. 

it is still hard...but i know Michael would want me to live my life as best as possible. he would want me to smile again, and my hope it someday i will. 

[kayc]

Mitch,

That is good to hear.  I really know what you are talking about because that's how it's been for me too.  I, perhaps have more incentive because of my sisters and kids, but not a whole lot because they all have their own lives and it's rare they visit me, but still, I know they'd feel bad if I died and perhaps even miss me.  The difference between me and them is, I know how fleeting life can be, while they do not.  If they did, they'd perhaps involve themselves with me more while they have a chance, but alas this is something we learn too late after our loved one is gone.  I'm glad I have no regrets with George as we lived our life together to the fullest, loving and enjoying each other to the fullest.  I know that's how it was for you and Tammy too, your love is very evident.  None of us knew when our loved one would be gone, I'm glad in a way because I don't know how I could have possibly handled having that advance notice.

[mittam99]

I've lived through the deaths of my parents and grandparents but nothing... NOTHING... can ever prepare you for the enormity of pain you feel losing your beloved spouse.  Combine that with the fact that Tammy's death was sudden and unexpected and the traumatic stress of that, well, my grief is intense. Add to that the fact that I just turned 60 and I now find that dying is on my mind probably more than it should be.

Life is so fragile. We truly need to appreciate the time we get.

It just hurts so bad knowing that Tammy spent nearly half her life facing a devastating illness. Life isn't fair.

 

[debi.williams]

No it darned well isn't fair Mitch. You got that right. We should all be with the ones we love, in health, living out our lives until old age takes us in our sleep. You are also SO right when you say that nothing prepares you for the death of a partner. The relationships we had with them had so many layers and when they are peeled back they reached our very core. Best friends, romantic partners, carers, helpmates, listeners, problem solvers, partners in love and life. What an unbearable loss. I have lost my parents whom I loved dearly but this is different. So different and so unbelievably, achingly, breath takingly painful. 

Mitch you are also so right when you say we HAVE to carry on. For reasons we cannot fathom on this earth we have been given longer and as Harleyquinn says, we don't know how long but we are here and that is that. I know we will see the ones we love when we pass and until then...

[kayc]

You don't know grief in this all encompassing way until your spouse/partner dies because it affects you in ways that other deaths don't.  We are so interdependent on each other.