Dealing With Those "moments"

[kayc]

Mitch, What you write could have been written by me.  I've tried very hard to build a life, to have balance, yet it's just nothing like it was "before" and I can relate to everything you say...I imagine everyone here can.  You haven't called me...I'm here.  I never know when you're working, I've tried a couple of times but haven't gotten you.  I'm sorry you feel abandoned.  I guess we all do to some extent.

I was having a "nothing day", feeling lonely, kind of sorry for myself, I guess, so I took my dog to the park and then to Subway (they have some picnic tables outside I can tie him up on one and then share my meal with him).  It was nice except I didn't know the town turned the park over to the bikers again, so we had to stay at one end and try to find someplace to walk where we wouldn't be in anyone's way...there were tents and bikers everywhere.  Checked out the blackberries while we were there.  Just got home, will pass the time until it's time to go to church tomorrow morning.  It's kind of how my days are now.  I wouldn't want to be working my old job for anything in the world, but if I had my one previous to that it'd make a whole lot of difference.  My working days are over though, I can't commute any more, can't drive after dark, am just done with all that.  But for some of you that have jobs you like, I'm sure it helps fill the time and sense of purpose and loneliness...maybe not though.

[enna]

 

Hi Mitch,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. Why wouldn’t you? Your world has been torn to pieces and you are trying to figure out what in the world are you supposed to do without your Tammy.

It is very common in our grief that family and friends go about their everyday lives and stop calling, visiting or writing. It is what happens. We are left mourning our spouses as the rest of the world goes on.

You are in the very early months of your loss and it is perfectly normal for there to be tears, to be confused, to wonder if the nightmare will end, to have questions that there aren’t answers to, and to wish things were as you say for your Tammy to “be out of pain but alive.”

I was retired when my Jim died and did not have a job to go to. Some things that helped me through the rough times:

•  Setting aside a time to reflect on my Jim not being with me so I wasn’t thinking about him 24/7 ~ he will always be with me only not as I want him to be
• ·      Writing or what we call journaling ~ it helps to put my thoughts into words  
• ·      Reading about what’s normal in grief
•        Taking up a new hobby ~ I am learning how to play the piano· 
•         Volunteering ~ it helps me to get out of the house
•       Calling friends to go to lunch, a movie or to visit ~ I found that they wanted to visit but didn’t know if I wanted company
•       My grandchildren keep me centered even though they are in another state

       By coming here, you are with others who understand. We are each going through our own grief and as we share our thoughts we do not feel so alone. The journey is ours, but we do not have to go it by ourselves.

I wish there was a way to make it easier for those who are left behind.

Anne

 

[mittam99]

It's been 6 months since since my beloved wife Tammy suddenly passed away on March 6th. My life was forever changed and it surely feels like my heart is shattered in a million pieces. Tammy wasn't just my wife, she was my everything. My whole world. She was the only one who truly loved me. She made me feel like somebody special. I loved (and will always love) Tammy with every fiber of my being.

This "new" life, this "new" world without Tammy is very difficult for me. Everyday there are grief triggers that bring me to my knees with tears and anguish. I often cry out in agony from the deep pain of missing her.

Not having Tammy by my side makes my life feel so empty and meaningless.

I don't understand why God chose to take Tammy away. That's far, far beyond my comprehension. I only know that she was the most sweet and wonderful person I've ever known and deserved a very long and very healthy life.

Unfortunately, Tammy's health was poor for a very long time. She fought health battles that few could even imagine. And she maintained that positive and loving spirit throughout. She truly was an inspiration to me.

She was not just a perfect, wonderful wife to me, She was a great mom and loved her miracle girl Katie will all her heart. That smile of Tammy's could turn any frown upside down.

I know I'm a better person because Tammy was in my life. Truth is, she will always be in my life. She's a part of me... forever and always.

 

 

 

[KATPILOT]

You have it right Mitch. Tammy is and always will be part of you. We never do get to understand the why's. We just go on with this simple little truth that Kathy always told me.

She said "it is what it is"

I screamed "not good enough damn it", over and over after she left. You can yell it to a crowd or scream it to a brick wall. The response is always the same. I found myself right back where I started.   It just is what it is.  No answers.

I am sorry for your anguish.  I'm also happy to see you made it six months. Slowly we adapt to this new life. We may hate it so but we do eventually find we have more happy days than sad. One day at a time my friend. I am four and a half years on this journey and still very much in love.  I smile a lot more than I did at six months even if I still cry some.

[scba]

Mitch, I understand your search for replies to "Why?". I'm about to reach one year with this question and there is simply no answer. A virus ended my boyfriend's life. Is that all? It cannot be. But then, what else is behind? Why him? No answers. And none of us have an answer, nor those before us, nor those who will be born.....we'll learn the thruth behind the veil the day we'll be gone, by maybe it won't matter anymore if our beloved ones are with us again. It's the last hope in the midst of our pain. 

[kayc]

(((hugs)))

[debi.williams]

Beautifully said scba. I was sitting here earlier wondering if when we finally meet our loved ones whether we will have a conversation about their passing? I almost can't believe we won't because the devastation they have left surely merits some words. What do you think?

 

How are you Mitch? I have been thinking about you. I know you are at 6 months and on Sunday it will be 6 weeks for me, but I can't imagine it feeling any 'better' in 6 years.

 

[kayc]

I know I will!

[mittam99]

How are you Mitch? I have been thinking about you. I know you are at 6 months and on Sunday it will be 6 weeks for me, but I can't imagine it feeling any 'better' in 6 years.

 

Not doing so great, Debi. Thank you very much for your thoughts.

Even after 6 months there's a part of me that's holding out hope that this was all some sort of nightmare and Tammy will be coming back to me safe and sound. Then reality hits and I am in shambles. How can I possibly live without my special lady... my perfect wife... my sweet Tammy, for years to come? I simply can't fathom that.

It still plays on my mind how fragile life is. How could Tammy be talking one minute and gone the next? My whole world as I knew it was gone in an instant and replaced with a life of loneliness and nothingness.

I do take solace in the fact that in a way Tammy will be with me for always. I will never forget her joyful spirit and her immense courage and her incredible smile. What hurts so deeply though is not being able to share the rest of my life with her. She made me feel so special and so loved. And my love for her had no limits.

I'm trying to live the best I can. I'm exercising and trying to eat a healthy diet. But, there's a voice in my head that asks "why bother"?

Life without Tammy is so empty. I miss her so badly. This pain is nearly unbearable.

 

[kayc]

I wish I had some way to bring you comfort, but alas, I know we each find our own way through this grievous journey.  My heart does go out to you though.

[Harleyquinn]

some moments I really feel like, one day, i will manage without the paralyzing pain i'm in

and then something small will happen....I will hear or see his name...and I crumble. Even tho I make a point to talk to him daily and speak his name, so I hear it on a regular basis..... if it comes from another person and i'm not expecting it, it's a huge blow

[mittam99]

I work with the public and on a near daily basis I see people who haven't seen me in a while. I dread those moments and those questions... "How have you been?" ... How is you're wife doing"?

It is so gut wrenching and painful. I still can't believe Tammy passed away.

I've had people ask me to do things socially (invites to lunch and such) but I'm not quite ready to do that. I've forced myself to go to a few family events but that's about it. I basically work and go home. 

All I want is my life back that I had. My life with my Tammy.

On another note, Tammy's family does not stay in contact with me. It's pretty clear now that Tammy is gone I do not matter to them in any way. It bugs me that they are so cold but that's their choice... I can't worry about it at this point. 

 

[kayc]

George's family disappeared on me too.  He was one of 11 kids (9 survived him) and his dad was still alive.  All but one lived within two hours of us.  Only three siblings showed for his funeral, even his dad didn't come!  After the funeral, one tried to get his belongings and I never heard from the rest again.

I do hear from his daughter occasionally, she lives in TN so it's harder to keep up.  I got a Christmas card from his son last year, which surprised and elated me.  At least I can see how his kids/grandkids are doing through Facebook.

Mitch, I can't claim to understand family, and I don't get it either.  You were the best thing that ever happened to Tammy (as she was the best thing that ever happened to you)!

[mittam99]

Just checking in with the group. 

My heart is still broken and I miss Tammy with every fiber of my being. I'm still having a hard time realizing she's not coming back. Still wondering what I could have/should have done differently or better. Still not able to function beyond the very basics. Still have the same stuff on my to do list.

In other words, it hasn't gotten easier or better.

Tammy was all I ever needed or wanted. 

Without her, not only am I lost... I feel like I have no life.

[debi.williams]

Oh Mitch. There isn't one of us who cant understand how you are feeling. The depth of the love you have for Tammy is also the depth of the grief you feel for her loss. You couldn't have done anything differently Mitch but my saying that to you - and I know it is true - will not help, I understand that. You know well that nothing anyone says will make it easier. All I know from your posts is how in love you are with each other and how much Tammy wants yoY to 'use' that love to lift you. you have been granted longer on this earth. Nobody knows why our loved ones are taken too soon, so all you can do is live to honour her Mitch. Please keep checking in here when you are at your darkest. My prayers go to you Mitch.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know exactly what you're talking about, it was exactly how I felt for the first few years. Even now I feel like I haven't got much of a life, but it's what I have carved out for myself.

What was your life like before you met Tammy? With effort you can get that back, but you'll likely feel dissatisfied with it because now you know what life CAN be like.  To combat the dissatisfaction stakes a lot of effort, learning the practice of contentment.  I say "practice" because it really does take it.  Meditation, living in the present, gratitude, focus, attitude, these have been the tools that have helped me.   Volunteering has been a way of getting out of "me" and has helped a lot for not over focusing on myself. Gratitude focuses on what I have, not what I haven't. I can't tell you how many years it's taking, but it's still a work in progress. In other words, for this little time out in your journey, you are where I would expect to be, even so, we know that none of us travel this journey the same.

I hope today brings a spark of light in it for you.

[debi.williams]

How are you today Mitch? I'm thinking of you

[mittam99]

About the same Debi. It's just so hard to take any joy in anything now. 

I loved making Tammy laugh and loved being silly with her. Now, I have no one to share anything with. The loneliness is difficult but the hardest part is trying to understand why this happened.

Tammy had come home from a hospital/rehab stay and she and I had plans for a whole life ahead of us. A life of love and happiness. And then suddenly, two days later... she was gone.

[debi.williams]

Dear Mitch, I am so so sorry. The laughter and the little private jokes, silly things sometimes that you say to each other are replaced by a silence. It is so hard. When you truly met 'your other half' it feels like 50% of you has gone. Like you it is impossible to understand the WHY? Like you I was talking to my husband and you to Tammy and making plans and then next they are gone. You must remember Mitch that our grief is compounded by the suddenness of their passing. No warning. Add shock to grief and we are lost.

I want to hold your hand and say it will get easier, people tell me it does and one thing is for sure the world since time began has experienced what we are now and still kept turning. However it is too soon for us to see any light. What would Tammy want you to do Mitch? 

[kayc]

This weekend I was with my son & DIL and I watched them with their private jokes, exchanged glances, memories that they've built already, and I realize all of that is gone for me but I'm glad they have it.  Still, it makes me wistful...

[mittam99]

What would Tammy want you to do Mitch? 

That's a difficult thing to answer. The easy answer would be that she'd want me to be happy somehow and to go on living. But, at the same time, I know what she really wanted was to have her health and for us to live that life of love and happiness together.

I'm doing the best I can considering my life has been torn apart. Considering that the one person in this world that cared is gone. The one person that truly made my life worthwhile is in heaven and I'm still here.

The sheer sadness is overwhelming.

 

 

 

[debi.williams]

Dear Mitch, that's a lovely picture of Tammy.

Of course Tammy would want you to be happy and go on. When our loved ones are in pain we are too. But it's not that simple is t? I can only imagine how devastated Tammy would have been if it had been the other way round Mitch and you had departed first. You have saved her that pain at least, but now the pain is yours. My 16 year old commented the other day 'if you'd gone before daddy he would never have got out of bed. he would be hoping to follow you' I didn't like to tell my son that this is how I feel most days but I can't let go of life just yet for his sake and also the sake of my husband who gave me such unconditional love. I am tasked with looking after our son but also myself, BECAUSE of the love he gave me and because we were his world my son and I. We are the most important beings in the world to him as you are to Tammy and we must honour that.

You ARE doing the best you can Mitch and that in itself is remarkable considering you have lost your world. Death stinks and grief stinks. Not very poetic but that is how I feel. The sadness IS totally overwhelming as you say. I wake up sighing I go to bed sighing and in between I cry and hold my stomach and long for my 'life' back. I work and cook and clean but I am a shadow really of the person I was. You too are doing these things Mitch. You are being so brave, probably without even realising it. I wish I could hold your hand and those of everyone on this forum.

Keep going for Tammy.

[Froggie4635]

Debi,

That is the perfect way to describe it. Shadow of my former self. 

[kayc]

Debi,

I think it's okay to tell your son that's how you feel but knowing that he is still here inspires you to do your best to continue.  I wouldn't want him to think he's the only reason you're living because that could put pressure on him to fulfill you in your life, and we want our kids to grow up and live happy independent lives.  But it's okay to let him know that he is important to you and you want to go on living for yourself and for him both.  

Mitch,

I think Debi put it well when she said you have saved Tammy all the pain (of having to go on without you).  That has been the one consoling thought to me, that and knowing that George doesn't have to suffer.  Had he lived he would have been greatly disabled and his life would not have been the same and I think that would have been hard for him, so at least he's spared that.  You watched your Tammy suffer from her condition so much, and it was hard for her, so even though we miss them and the pain is all ours now, at least they are spared suffering any longer.  I guess that's the one redeeming thing about all this.

BUT, it's so hard to bear sometimes, isn't it!

[debi.williams]

Dear Kayc, you make a good point as it is a fine line when it comes to children. I have made it clear that he is not to become the 'man of the house' now Dad has gone. He is my son and I am his Mom and that dynamic will not change, I am the adult as I couldn't bear if he try to carry the adult weight on his shoulders. I try and make it clear when I do get upset that his task is not to comfort me, that I have to find my own way through it, but MY job is to comfort him when he gets upset. His job is to study and enjoy his youth. he loves to help me where he can, and is a very good young man. We are blessed.

BUT, it's so hard to bear sometimes, isn't it!  Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes Kayc