Froggie4635 Posted July 12, 2015 Report Share Posted July 12, 2015 Yesterday I had another experience that proved to me that Mark is still here watching over me and everything that happens in this house. There was a gentleman here installing an electric plug under my counter, in preparation for the installation of a beautiful red stove top that Mark had created but never got to complete before he died. While working under the counter, I heard the gentleman say, "Hey, that wire just dropped right where I needed it to." I smiled a BIG smile, and said "that's my husband Mark making sure you have no problems. And he thanks you for helping to complete something he would have done."Mitch, please know that like Steven says, Tammy is still there in your corner. It is just REALLY hard to believe and to hear when she speaks to you right now, but it will get better. It is not the way we WANT it to be; we would rather have them walking around like before, present in our life. But they are STILL HERE. It is hard to think of that when our hearts are hurting so very badly.I am so thankful that I found this forum, and have had my life touched and my experiences validated. And in some way, I hope that my grief journey will shine light on the journey of someone else who seem to be lost. Our lives are never going to be the same as they were, and that really just sucks. But the love that we had will live forever, and it is inside of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 13, 2015 Report Share Posted July 13, 2015 I find that George's inspiration and continual encouragement throughout our time together carries over still even though he's passed. It's knowing his love and belief in me that has often gotten me through the worst of times. His belief in me helps me make decisions and keep going, even now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2015 Remember, Tammy is still in your corner. It also helps sometimes to remember that we are not the same people we were before we met them. We evolved, (morphed if you will), into the person we are today, a combination of two people. A piece of them is inside us. What we do and decide is partly influenced by living with and loving them for all that time. Every thing you do is effected by Tammy. Thank you, Steve. What you wrote really touched me deeply! Mitch, please know that like Steven says, Tammy is still there in your corner. It is just REALLY hard to believe and to hear when she speaks to you right now, but it will get better. It is not the way we WANT it to be; we would rather have them walking around like before, present in our life. But they are STILL HERE. It is hard to think of that when our hearts are hurting so very badly. Thanks for that, Maryann! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted July 15, 2015 Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 I found this quote from Rabbi Harold Kushner: "All we can do is try to rise beyond the question "Why did this happen?" and begin to ask the question, "What do I do now that it has happened?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 I had a very overwhelming and intensely sad moment last night. I was eating a snack in the kitchen and of course was thinking about my Tammy. Then it hit me that she had died. In a flash I found myself running full speed up the steps, then into our bedroom screaming her name and pretty much ran into a wall, sobbing like a baby. It was the utter disbelief that she really lost her life. It was like I was running to somehow go back in time and find her so we could be together again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 15, 2015 Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect the shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves the for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief was we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.” ― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted July 15, 2015 Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 You know that I read that book, and it just proves that there is no real retention of things during grief because I do not remember any of that. Void is a very good word. I remember Mark's service. I remember all the details that had to be taken care of right up until the very hour we walked into the church. I remember all the people around me as I left the hospital to go and see the funeral director (who happened to be someone I used to work with - not the greatest time for a reunion). I remember all the details and the costs of everything. I remember speaking at his rosary service, but not for his funeral service. I remember bringing his ashes to his mom's house to inter them into the beautiful wooden box his brother made, which I had to supply the dimensions for. I also remember a sea of faces coming and wishing me condolence; friends of his mom and members of her church. His box is still sitting in the spot I placed it when I returned from that service almost 7 months ago. Where has 7 months gone when I can remember it all like it was yesterday? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 15, 2015 Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 I know nothing seems to help in our first year of grief. I spent months doing things mechanically, and I still enjoy nothing. I started to read a lot, and The year of magical thinking helped me because is a sincere narration of what grief is. Another book I read is CS Lewis A grief observed. I think I am beginning to understand why grief feels like suspense. It comes from the frustration of so many impulses that had become habitual. Thought after thought, feeling after feeling, action after action, had H. for their object. Now their target is gone. I keep on through habit fitting an arrow to the string, then I remember and have to lay the bow down. ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 15, 2015 Report Share Posted July 15, 2015 "Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking "...Very good quote, so very, very true! I like CS Lewis also. He understood grief because he so deeply loved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 As time goes by I realize that the pain of losing Tammy may never ease. I think about things Tammy and I used to enjoy doing and I'm overwhelmed with grief. How could we NEVER EVER do those things again? I don't just cry, I scream in agony. It's unbearable, I almost hyperventilate and I feel like my head is going to explode. This world without my Tammy is complete and utter emptiness. I can deal with being alone. I don't like it, but I can deal with that. I waited my whole life to find that perfect person that would make my life better and happier... and now she is gone. All I ever wanted was Tammy in my life. It's hard not to dwell on death. After all, Tammy was 14 years younger than me. When she passed away in March I was 59. Now, I'm a 60 year old widower. 60 is a scary number at least for me. It's not easy to go on when nothing really gives you pleasure, when the future seems bleak and you are in a world of emotional pain. But... I am trying my best. I'm glad I have a job to go to, it helps. But, It's so hard to come home to the empty house. To not have that special person to share your life with. There's no one to tell silly or naughty jokes to. No one to kiss or hug or tickle. I'm living, but for now, it's a very lonely and sad life. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thankfully this had a happy ending... I still wear my wedding ring when I go out. It just makes me feel better. I'll always be married to Tammy. Well, today when I got home from work I was washing my hands and realized my ring wasn't on my finger. That was a horrible, gut wrenching feeling. How could my ring have fallen off? I called work and asked them to look for it and thankfully they found it. I'm so grateful they did. If it was actually lost, I don't think I'd handle that very well at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 I know what you mean by the fear of having lost the ring Mitch. I wore Kathy's ring on my neck during that first year and one day I realized it wasn't there. I was devastated for hours looking anywhere I had been only to find it that night when I took off my shirt and it fell to the floor. While some remove their rings, like you I keep mine on. In fact, from the first day she slipped it on, you could count the time I have had it off in hours. I like to think that it will always let anyone know, I'm taken. The pain you feel about losing Tammy may indeed never end but the time you feel such anguish will diminish. It won't mean you love her less, but it will tell you you are surviving and adapting to this new way of life. I'm 4 1/2 years now Mitch and I still love my bride every bit as much. But, I'm still alive. I'm still going on trying to experience everything I can as we would have together. Life didn't end for me even though I wished it would have. Today, I'm cool with living on. And Mitch, I'm never ever truly alone, even if grief still comes and bites me in the ass once and again. I hope to see you in this place one day though you may not think it possible right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 I found the following posted in this forum, and I hope it may be of help: “Now there is one thing I can tell you: you will enjoy certain pleasures you would not fathom now. When you still had her you often thought of the days when you would have her no longer. Now you will often think of days past when you had her. When you are used to this horrible thing that they will forever be cast into the past, then you will gently feel her revive, returning to take her place, her entire place, beside you. At the present time, this is not yet possible. Let yourself be inert, wait till the incomprehensible power ... that has broken you restores you a little, I say a little, for henceforth you will always keep something broken about you. Tell yourself this, too, for it is a kind of pleasure to know that you will never love less, that you will never be consoled, that you will constantly remember more and more.” ------ That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth—that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 21, 2015 Report Share Posted July 21, 2015 Nice to read this scba. Thanks for sharing it and how you see things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 22, 2015 Report Share Posted July 22, 2015 Oh Mitch, I'm so glad they found your wedding ring! I was 52 when my husband died, knowing full well I'd probably live another 40 years as people in my family do. I didn't see how I could face 40 years without him. I guess that's why they say "one day at a time", shrinking it back to something more manageable helps. I no longer have George to cuddle up to or sleep with, or talk to, or cook for. I no longer have him to attend things with or to look forward to weekends with. But I do find moments that are good, and those moments help me through it. And my dog gives me great love and comfort, honestly, I don't know how I'd survive without him. Someday he too will be gone, that will be tough. But one day at a time, even now, ten years later, and probably for the rest of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted July 23, 2015 Report Share Posted July 23, 2015 Am having a day. Not really feeling focused at work; want to be home and dealing with my grief. Am feeling those emotions just under the surface, and every article that I see posted on Facebook brings me to tears. It all started this morning. I went to go sit in Mark's car (it will always be Mark's car, even though I have been making the payments) before going to work and I see all this stuff all over the windshield and dashboard. Well, many, many months ago I told myself that I needed to take that case of Dr. Pepper out of the back of the car. It was a birthday present from his mom, and it has been in the car since the night before Mark died. Well, it appears that a few of the cans exploded. So I have been off kilter. Get to work and we are getting new phones, and the new phone didn't fit into how I had my desk set up, so I had to move stuff around; adding further to the feeling off kilter. I think my mind is telling me that I need to have another long weekend. It is funny how grief has a way of showing you it is time to pay attention to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 23, 2015 Report Share Posted July 23, 2015 I'm sorry about the Dr. Pepper all over Mark's car, hopefully you can get it cleaned up this weekend. And the phone on your desk, I, too, always liked my desk just as I arranged it, as I arranged it that way for a reason, it's hard to get used to when things are in different places. I hope your weekend goes better than you anticipate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 29, 2015 The last week or so has been tough. So many triggers, so many tears... so much pain and anguish. When I met Tammy, I found that one person who truly was my soul mate. She completely changed my life for the better. I mean, I was sort of alone before Tammy came into my life. My mom had died the year before of cancer. My dad had passed away many years earlier of leukemia. My friends had moved on or had moved away and I wasn't all that close with my sisters. Tammy was simply my everything. It is no exaggeration. Now that she is gone and gone at such a young age and gone unexpectedly... my world is utter sadness. I can't stop thinking about how unfair life was to Tammy. I'm still feeling guilt about things I did or didn't do... but those things were just me being a human being. My future is now an unknown where before I was happy thinking it would be Mitch and Tammy forever. In the past I thought I had a certain amount of control over things; I now realize, ultimately, I have little to no control over anything. I'm depressed, I'm lonely, I feel little hope for happiness. Deep love = deep grief and this life is harder than anyone (outside of those who are also grieving) can imagine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 29, 2015 Report Share Posted July 29, 2015 Yes, but you do get used to it. I know, you're probably thinking, "But I don't WANT to get used to it!" I understand. Our hearts cry out in the beginning against the perverse unjustice that was done to us! I'm glad my life isn't in that anguish any more, I don't think we're made to be able to take that for so many years...I'm glad the pain has lessened, even while the missing him has not. Hope. I don't really think about that that much anymore. Hope for what? I DO have hope. no faith, of seeing him again. I look forward to that, very much. But for now, this is my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted July 30, 2015 Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 Mitch, I understand your pain. I tear up just trying to write something now. The deep heart pain is real. Most other people don't see it or experience it. Some people deny it. My life was very lonely before I met my beloved wife. I am now again in the same place but there is a big difference. I experienced the most wonderful blessed and exciting life with my beautiful wife for over 26 years. I have so many wonderful memories. I miss her deeply yet I know I was genuinely, honestly, and deeply loved by her. I choose to remember the good times and just feel whatever feeling flows to and through me each day. I am learning to accept today and each day as it is and not how I expect it to be. Some days are better than others. I can choose to live today because God has given me the day. I pray you will find your purpose through your grief journey. I don't have as much control over life as I thought either. I can count my blessings and keep my eyes and heart open to help someone else who is traveling this journey. I'll be praying for you Mitch. Shalom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Froggie4635 Posted July 30, 2015 Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 How can you NOT miss someone who was a part of just about everything in your life. How would it be possible for anyone to think we can just say, "oh well, he's gone. Let's just go ahead to the next thing."? I looked and waited for Mark my entire life. He was the first person to ever give me just exactly what I thought love should be about. I was just really getting used to it, and he was taken away. Should be easy to drift back into the life I had before I met him, right? WRONG. Meeting him and falling in love with him, marrying him and now mourning him has changed EVERYTHING. Sure, I can find bits of me that existed before he came into my life. I am still inside. But the way I look at the world has been forever altered, because I no longer can look at it through the eyes of someone else. I am coming up on 8 months, and I still can feel the numbness; there is no light. Remembering still brings pain, although there are times I laugh out loud at something. Mitch, don't be hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know) and just honor yourself and accept what the days bring. I know I have more good days than bad ones, but I also know I am just coming out of the fog and reality is sinking in more. It is all about finding balance. Some days are easier than others to do that. Just keep sharing and seeking the comfort of your friends here. It really DOES make a difference. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted August 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 As time goes by, my intense sadness and longing for Tammy grows. It seems like the reality of life without Tammy is setting in and it's a life that is almost unbearably painful. Tammy was my whole world and my one source of real love. And life without love, well, it's pretty meaningless. When Tammy was alive my days were better because she was in it. She made everything better. These days, I just barely function. I work because I have to. I eat and I watch TV (well, the TV's on but I don't really watch it that much, lol). I know people say it gets "easier" (certainly not better) but in my case, I don't see how that will happen. Not that Tammy and my love was deeper and stronger than anyone else's... it's just that she really was my only source of true happiness and love. I miss Tammy so badly my heart literally aches. I don't know if it's real or imagined but I just don't feel all that great most days. I don't mean emotionally (it's a given that my emotions are not in a good place), I just have a lot more physical aches and pains than I used to. I get heart palpitations and am often short of breath. Grief does not do a body good!!! I took this week off from work. I think I sort of needed a break. On the other hand, a week without work means more time to think about things and more loneliness. Before I started typing this post, I put on my wedding ring. When I put it on, I feel different... I feel more important in a way. That ring symbolizes the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so proud being Tammy's husband. I have many things on my "to do" list that I keep putting off. I keep telling myself "I'll do it when I'm ready". The problem is I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I have no motivation, no get up and go. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate, my companion, my confidant, my perfect wife is gone. How do I find some meaning in this meaningless life I now have? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 3, 2015 Report Share Posted August 3, 2015 Mitch, I'm sorry you're experiencing this...it is what all of us have felt and often continue to feel. As I just shared with someone else, I used to have a BIG purpose and BIG joy in life...his name was George. Now I have smaller purposes and have learned to appreciate the smaller joys that come my way. It's taken great effort to find, or maybe I should say recognize, my purpose. It was so evident when George was alive. I think losing them brings on some sort of identity loss as well. We KNEW who we were "before". I'm glad you're able to take some time off this week. Yes, it takes a long while to grow accustomed to this aloneness. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand, a constant reminder of the love we share and life we had together, it brings me comfort. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted August 4, 2015 Report Share Posted August 4, 2015 Mitch, I'm very sorry, I understand your despair and helplessness. Have you thought of meeting a grief counselor? It helped me in many ways to deal with my strong emotions. Another thing that helped me is tohave a pet. They are very healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted August 5, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2015 scba, I actually saw a counselor for a couple of months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted August 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2015 My life still feels like it's on hold. It also seems like the few people that kept in contact with me have abandoned me. Family and friends. Even the few people from this forum I've had phone contact with me have stopped returning my occasional calls or texts. I guess I shouldn't take it personally, but I do. I mean, I have pretty much nothing in my life without my beloved Tammy and even the few "bright spots" appear to have vanished. It all reinforces the feeling that it truly was me and Tammy against the world. We were perfect for each other and our love for each other knew no bounds. Every one else seems to be wrapped up in their own world. To them, I'm nothing but some guy grieving for his wife.My grief is never ending and the tears comes so easily. Even over 5 months later, I still can't fathom what happened. I guess I'm still holding out some hope that this all was some sort of nightmare and when I wake up, Tammy will be back by my side, just like before. I can't understand (no matter how hard I try) why someone as sweet and wonderful as Tammy was taken away from this world after only 45 years. People have told me "she's out of her pain". Yes, there is truth to that. But... what she deserved was to be out of pain and alive!!!Tammy was what I lived for. She made my heart beat a little faster. She made me feel like something special.Now I'm but a shell filled with utter sadness. My days are filled with longing and loneliness.Still, I am trying to do things the best I can all the while trying to do Tammy proud.Virtually every thought in my head is about Tammy. How could it not be? She was the love of my life and the only person I will ever call my wife. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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