Dealing With Those "moments"

[bcb68]

I am thinking of you today Mitch. I am praying that you find some peace and comfort today.

Brian

[mittam99]

Tammy would have loved the shrimp scampi I made. I put in as much of my secret ingredient (TLC) as I could. She loved how much pride I took in making good food and I loved seeing her eyes light up when she ate my food.

I served a plate for me and another for Tammy. I even put a glass of her beloved lemon ice water out in case she got thirsty! It wasn't easy sitting there though and not seeing her smiling face across the table. Not an easy day.

Here's Tammy's plate of the scampi:

[kayc]

It looks wonderful, Mitch and I'm sure it touches her. I'm still up if you want to call.

[feralfae]

Dear Mitch,

Your Scampi looks wonderful, and I know that Tammy was there enjoying it with you. One of the hardest things to do is often noticing the spaces where our Beloved is no longer. I still miss Doug at the table sometimes, after more than three years. But now, slowly, I can look at his chair and his place and feel more peace and acceptance. That brings another sense of comfort, to be able to give thanks that Doug was here in that chair and with me, even if he is here in Spirit now. More good memories are rising to the top, sweet and healing.

I hope your days grow more peaceful and that the fog begins to lift a bit for you. This is a very hard time on this grief journey, and I am holding you and Tammy in my heart as you find your way. Blessings to you and to your hurting broken heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mittam99]

It seems like my sadness and pain has gotten worse in recent weeks. Everything seems to trigger tears and anguish. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. We had our whole life to look forward to. Mitch and Tammy. Tammy and Mitch. We were always better together.

I waited my whole life for Tammy and she made my world so amazing. Now, I have a life of nothing but emptiness and longing. One day rolls into the other with zero joy. I'm trying to learn how to live in this new reality but, honestly, what do I have to look forward to?

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch,

Believe me, I feel your pain. in two days it will be four months since my beloved bride passed away. I was lonely before her and know I'm lonely again. The pain comes in waves and seems to be worse this month than last. I try to remember the good times because there were so many. I make a list of all the things I am grateful for and meditate on them when I'm down.

My wife loved me so greatly, so deeply, and so completely. I choose to remember the good while still facing the reality of her death. From my perspective I don't see a great future ahead but I trust that others in this group have already traveled the road I'm on. Although each one is unique and different, there is still a common thread in this group. We loved our spouses deeply. and we grieve deeply.

There is a reason and purpose for all of this but I'm too deep in the forest of grief to see it from my level. I trust that others here will pray, help, encourage and love us through the path each of us needs to travel. I can only do this one day at a time. I hurt, I grieve, I cry, and I continue to move forward by God's grace one day at a time. I do better when I focus on God, trusting He will never leave me nor forsake. Me. It feels like at time's God has left, but Satan is the father of all lies. So I choose this day to believe Christ alone. "Lord I believe, help my unbelief". Praying for you, Mitch, for you to find your way. Shalom

[feralfae]

Thank you I Praise Him.

Amen.

Peace to your heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Knowing that you will find joy someday, not the joy you and Tammy shared, but something...hold on to that, dear Mitch. I know you can't see up right now, I remember how that feels and I know how hard it is to go right through it, I wish there were a way around it, but I never found it. You're in my heart, I know the anguish you feel.

[mittam99]

I called my counselor today and have decided to take a break for a bit. My sessions were going fine but my new temporary work schedule was making it difficult to attend.

I still think I need the counseling if just for the fact it gives me the opportunity to talk about Tammy. Other than this forum, it seems like people in my life don't want to hear what I have to say regarding how I'm coping/feeling. Or more precisely, don't know what to say.

I sort of feel guilty for taking a break but I've felt run down the past few weeks. Getting up 4am for work hasn't been easy.

[Froggie4635]

Mitch, you need to listen to your body and your spirit. I had the same issue with my counseling sessions. It was getting difficult to arrange a way to get there...I hated the idea of someone sitting somewhere waiting for me to be done. I took a vacation day tomorrow because I felt overwhelmed and very tired. I almost left my dog locked in the backyard before I went to work...too many things on my mind. Getting adjusted to the "new normal" takes a lot out of us. I have recently taken a break from reading all my grief books. I wanted to just go on my trip and not think about it. But now it has been two weeks and reality seeps in, and it is time to get back to my grief work. Do for yourself whatever gives you a little comfort, Mitch. Also allow yourself to express whatever needs expressing. Like you, I have developed the "work face". But doing that makes you even more tired and run down. Be kind to you...I am sure Tammy would not want you getting into a state of exhaustion on a regular basis. And, do NOT EVER feel guilty for doing what your body/soul/spirit guides you to do. As I have been told by many others...there are no rules to break.

[kayc]

Mitch,

Maryann stated it well. I hope you get back into counseling soon, but maybe taking a break is what you needed right now, esp. with being so tired and having to get up so early.

[mittam99]

First post in a couple weeks...

The pain of losing Tammy is still overwhelming me and I find myself having bouts of crying more often. Still can't believe how unfair life was to Tammy in so many ways. Still can't believe she was taken away so suddenly and at such a young age. Why? That's the question I ask over and over. Tammy was my life and my joy. She really was all I had in this world.

Tammy's family continues to act as if I don't exist. As if the love and caring I showed Tammy didn't mean anything to them. You know what though? I can't let that eat at me. That's their problem/issue. I know what I had with Tammy and that's what matters. I honestly think a lot of it is that her mom and sister haven't experience the kind of love and devotion Tammy and I had for each other. They just don't get it. Daughter Katie is simply wrapped up in her own world and doesn't communicate with me. I've tried but it doesn't go anywhere. Again, I can't let it get to me.

It's been nearly 4 months and I still can't believe what happened. This isn't how our life was supposed to be.

[kayc]

Mitch,

I'm glad you posted, I was about to file a missing person's report! I know sometimes people take an absence because they feel there's nothing more to say or they just need a break...understood.

You're right, her family is THEIR problem, you and Tammy both know what you mean to each other and I speak that in present rather than past terms because although her physical body died, she lives and so does your love.

You hit the nail right on the head, I think the reason her mom & sister don't recognize the love you and Tammy share is because they themselves haven't experienced it. Sad.

I know the feeling...it ISN'T how life was supposed to go. I thought of that just this morning as I was cleaning the patio and saw the porch swing we bought to "grow old together" in.

[Froggie4635]

I feel really sad for those people whose life was not touched by the kind of love so many of us talk about here on the forum. If they cannot conceive of that deep love, how can they then understand the devastation when that love is lost. I count myself very fortunate, first for witnessing and being a part of a love that was so deep and connection that was so special and second for being around a family who KNEW how much love there was between Mark and I. His family was witness to the transformation it brought to his life. Mark was a very different person before he met me (not bragging here, just stating facts). He was deep in depression and alcohol-induced fits of despair. When I read the letters he wrote in all the cards he gave me, and he talks about how resigned he was to being alone. His family was witness to what a great love can do. Tammy's family, like you so correctly put it, could not recognize the true love that the two of you found. And no one can understand more than I how difficult it is to now be without that. Although Mark was not suffering from an illness on the level that Tammy was, I know he had things he struggled with and I now know he is free from that. I know it won't console you now, Mitch...nothing really will. But try to find a peace in knowing Tammy can now love you without the burden of sickness she had to bear. I know it is NOT the same as having her with you...I ache to have Mark here, to hear is corny jokes, to watch him respond as I scratch his back, to see the love he had for me in his eyes. It is the burden of deep love to have to grieve so deep. Day to day life has no real joy, and we must bear it. You cannot make her family understand what you are going through, and them hurting you more with their ignorance, Mitch, is more than you need to deal with. Be gentle with yourself.

[kayc]

We had the same thing...George wrote in a note to me "You made it all possible for me". I know I was everything to him, just as he was to me, and that's why I had such a hard time understanding how I could possibly live without him. Granted, it's not the same, but I'm somehow doing it. I guess the loss just makes me appreciate him all the more, if possible. I always appreciated him, though, and loved our life together. George had issues too, anger, for instance, and yet never once in all our time together did he raise his voice to me or say anything ugly to me.

[mittam99]

I think from day one of my relationship with Tammy, her family has always looked at me with a negative eye. Not because I'm a bad guy, I'm certainly not. Just the fact that Tammy moved to Maryland with 3 year old Katie to be with me. Instead of looking at it in the sense that Tammy found a man who loved her and she loved, they looked at it as me taking them away from their clan. And that is a very warped and selfish point of view.

The situation was that Tammy had lost her job out there due to illness. She was having trouble paying bills. She went to her family for help but there was none to be found. If you ask me, they sort of forced her hand in a way. So when we started chatting and realized that we were falling in love it was Tammy's idea to consider moving out here to Maryland. Truth is, it was an upward move in many ways for Tammy. She lived in an area with few opportunities for employment. Health care was better in my area, schools were better. So if anything, her family should have looked at it in a more positive way.

And it wasn't a move Tammy took lightly. Her whole family lived in Illinois, but she was in love with me and wanted this new life. She found a job quickly here in Maryland. Katie went to some good schools. They both went back to Illinois often to visit. And Tammy's health overall was not too bad in the first 7 years she was with me.

As her health deteriorated it seemed like her family (mostly her mom) got colder and colder towards me. I never understood that. I was always at Tammy's side. I was devoted to her. I always did my best to both comfort her and care for her. I made her laugh. And I loved her with everything I had. And when Tammy was rushed to the hospital time and again, her mother was the first person I'd call. And I'd constantly give her updates. Yet, here it is four months after Tammy's passing and her mother hasn't picked up the phone to call me even once. None of her family even called me on my recent milestone birthday in May.

I'm also dealing with another extreme hurt. As you may know, Tammy's wish according to her family was to have Illinois as her final resting place. That's hard. And then two weeks ago I got another hard emotional blow. Katie sent pictures of Tammy's headstone. Her family never consulted me in any way so I assumed it would be a typical one. Probably mention "Beloved wife, mother, daughter" etc on it. When I saw the stone I was surprised to see no mention of that on the front. Along with her married last name (my name) her maiden name was on the front. It also had words like courage on it and that was fine. It was when I saw the second photo, that I pretty much lost it...

The photo showed the back of the stone. On it, in big, bold letters was her maiden last name. In addition Katie's first name was mentioned as her loving daughter. I was in shock. I've never heard of such a thing. Singling out her daughter only on the stone? People seeing that might think her life was only about her being a mother. It's as if they made an effort to erase the fact that she was a beloved wife. She was proud to be my wife. I have the feeling in heaven, Tammy's a bit perturbed at her family right now

I think that's why (among other things) I've been quiet here at the forum... that just hurt so bad. But it also shows me that her family has no interest in having a real relationship with me. And it shows me how they overvalue their importance in life. It's not just about them.

The bottom line is that I know what Tammy and I had. We were madly in love. We lived through a very challenging existence. Money was low and Tammy's health was poor but we had the one thing that kept us going... unconditional love for each other. And that made us richer than most.

[kayc]

Keep on knowing it, Mitch, she knows it too, and that's what counts.

[MartyT]

My thought exactly, Mitch: The bottom line is that you know what Tammy and you have, and as Kay says, so does Tammy. That will never die. Love like yours is true and forever, and that is all that really matters. Hold onto that. ♥

[mittam99]

It's four months to the day that I lost my Tammy and my world changed forever. The pain seems worse now because the initial shock is changing into an even harsher reality. I'm all alone and the love of my life has gone to heaven.

In my life, all I ever wanted was Tammy. A beautiful, loving woman who made each day of my life a better one, a woman who loved me for me. She accepted all my flaws.

This hurts so bad. I cry because I miss her so badly. I cry because of all the medical ordeals and pain she endured for a lot of her (way too short) life.

I question how I can have a meaningful life without her. A happy one? It doesn't seem possible. Thinking about the future brings more tears.

I find myself screaming out "I can't live without you" and "Tammy please come back" or "God, why did you have to take her away?". It's so hard knowing that the future we had planned and wanted together won't happen. My life was supposed to be about Mitch and Tammy. The couple that loved each other all the way to the moon and back times infinity.

Tammy was and always will be my perfect angel. I ache for her, heart and soul.

[kayc]

Oh Mitch, my heart goes out to you, I do understand and feel your cries. I feel inept because I want to help you when the truth is, I can understand, relate, but I wish I had a magic button that could right it and I don't.

You wonder if you can ever live a happy life...my best answer is it won't be the same as it was with Tammy in it but you can learn to have bits of happiness, at least that's what I've found.

[iPraiseHim]

Mitch, I understand. It is 20 weeks for me, 140 days. I just take one day at a time. The world does not grasp the enormity of this grief in losing your beloved spouse. My feelings are all over the place. I can't imagine living without my wife now, and yet I have somehow. I don't know what the future holds but I do know who holds the future. And since I'm still here there must still be more for me to live and help others until God calls me home. I trusted God when He brought us together, loved, lived, and married. I still trust Him now even though nothing in life makes sense right now. I find writing really helps me to get out the thoughts and feelings that I'm not initially even aware of. I pray your days ahead will be better. I'm walking with you on the same path, brother. Shalom

[Suitearia]

I'm sorry Mitch for the family drama that seems so cruel and at a time like this.

It's been 72 days for me (2 months and 11 days since Ric died) and 2 months 7/9 that I buried him ...

Ric too is buried far away where I cannot visit a grave; I buried him next to his mother (his sister gave us the plot and I bought her a replacement). We live in S. Florida but knew that I might have to leave to go back to IN to sell our home. He wanted to be buried in a mausoleum and if I left S. FL to take him with him. If I couldn't do that, then he wanted to be buried next to his mother.

We all know that I could not honor his wish of taking him with me from F. FL, outside of cremation which I wanted to do; but he wanted to be buried, not cremated, so I took him to Mobile AL. I am in the process now of ordering his headstone. Now his family may not be happy with what I have selected. Ric loved to play poker so I chose to put a royal flush (hearts) on one side and a palm tree to show his love for the beach. I would have put a cruise ship if they'd had one but they didn't (the last week he was alive, he 'woke' up and asked "are we still at sea"?).

[mittam99]

Haven't been feeling all that well physically the past couple weeks. I've been quite short of breath and having heart palpitations. I know I probably should be checked out by a doctor but for now I haven't. This life without Tammy is brutally sad and lonely. I truly have no one that cares.

I plan on going back to counseling in the next few weeks... maybe that will help but I have my doubts. I simply don't know how to function in this new life in a way that's meaningful. I feel no happiness. My only motivation to work is being financially broke.

I know I'm depressed. Who wouldn't be after losing everything that meant something in life? This life without Tammy is empty and horrible. It doesn't "get better".

I have nothing.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Mitch. I do think it'll help to go back to your counselor. Maybe we can talk after I get back home, I'm gone now.

[KATPILOT]

I truly understand that work motivation Mitch. I had medical bills up the wazoo. I wonder sometimes how I had the ability to actually work. If I hadn't been so destroyed by the loss at four months, I would have been scared of the financial thing.

Somehow, I kept working and two years later I was out of trouble. Counseling and this tribe of wonderful individuals helped for sure but something about my connection and development with Kathy kept me fighting. I knew she was still in my corner. Perhaps that strength will find you too.

You are right about what you said of being depressed. Yes, who wouldn't be. Yes it's empty and horrible but you are wrong about the last part. It does get better. You may not agree right now but you will one day.

Remember, Tammy is still in your corner.

It also helps sometimes to remember that we are not the same people we were before we met them. We evolved, (morphed if you will), into the person we are today, a combination of two people. A piece of them is inside us. What we do and decide is partly influenced by living with and loving them for all that time. Every thing you do is effected by Tammy. This simple truth makes grocery shopping a lot more easy for me and that's just one example.