It's All Still Fresh

[JayNTeeforalways]

I lost my husband on July 1, 2015, 2 weeks and 2 days, to cardiac arrest. He was 35 and so am I. So young. We were together for 4 years before we married (3 years in Sept 2015). Ive known him since 1995, but we didn't start dating until 2008. This is all still fresh. I've cried and cried and still do but a huge part of me hasn't hit realization yet. I'm still arranging his services so thats kept me busy these last couple of weeks. People ask me how I'm doing and I wanna say, "what the hell do you think? I just lost my husband!" But I kindly reply, "I'm okay". I miss him with everything I am. I miss him more than words can say. Sometimes I try to avoid thinking about him too much because it hurts, cuts so deep. I really don't know what to think. I'm kind of numb, okay at times, think this isn't really happening. So much going on in my head but so little at the same time. Make sense? I'm confused. One thing I know for sure is that I miss him like no one could ever understand. Thanks for your time.

[KarenK]

JayNTee,

So sorry that you have lost your husband and I'm sure even more unexpected at such a young age. I lost my husband of 41 years in May 2013 and my 50 year old daughter in July 2014, both to cancer. Their deaths were not unexpected, but it does not make it any easier.

There are many of us here who truly understand what you are going through. You will not believe it now, but in time the agonizing pain will lessen, replaced with a sort of acceptance. We HATE what has happened, but somehow we learn to adapt and live with it.

Our lives will never be the same. All we can do is try to create new ones while incorporating the memories of the old ones.

I'm sure that many others here will soon be along to offer comfort, kind words, and many helpful suggestions as to how to get through your grief. Your grief is your own and each of us grieves differently. Make sure that you take care of yourself. Eat and rest as best you can as grief takes a physical as well as emotional toll on your body.

Karen

[Froggie4635]

Dear JayNTee,

I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand how you are feeling, because I have been there. My husband, Mark died very suddenly from a heart attack at the age of 53 in December, a little over 7 months ago. I understand the fog you feel; that is for your protection. Mark's service was two weeks after he died and I remember just wanting to get it over so I could move forward. I am just now finding the reality of his death sinking in a little at a time. It is all I can handle. When I go out and sit on my swing, I no longer look towards the garage to see him come walking out with a beer. I still find myself getting so exhausted, so please rest when you can;you will need it. Do whatever feels right for you and accept any help that is offered. When I was at two weeks, all I wanted was someone to bring Mark back (I still wish that,but understand it won't happen). Be gentle with yourself, and get as many hugs as you can. It helps. And talk about him and what happened;you need that.

[kayc]

JayNTee,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband. It feels the worst thing that could ever happen. At two weeks out you're probably still in shock somewhat, I know I was. It feels like a huge gyp, esp. so young, with your future ahead, that's how I felt, even though I was way older than you, I thought we'd grow old together, it didn't happen.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, I think it really does help to have an outlet, some place safe where others "get it".

[Suitearia]

JayNTee ... I too am so sorry for your loss I lost my husband of 13 years 5/1/15. I definitely identify with you when people ask "how are you"; I just say "I'm Ok" most of the time as well. Then others will ask "how are you sleeping".

I think that numb is pretty much how I felt for the first 6 weeks; or I'd alternate between feeling sane and then fall into jagged grief. I think that feeling numb is very normal, and like KayC said you're probably still in shock.

Please know that I am thinking of you and that this is a great place to let your feelings out ....

[scba]

Dear JayNTee,

I'm very sorry for your loss. I would like to tell you a lot of things but at the same time I know nothing can bring confort right now. I've lost the love of my life 10 months ago and I'm in my 30's too. I felt I died with him, and also my dreams.

You're in a fog and your body and mind are protecting you. Grief is confusing and tyring. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time. Eat, sleep and accept your friends and family's help. Don't force yourself to feel "right" or "strong". Whatever you're feeling, it's Ok. Crying is fine. Anger is fine. If people ask you irritating questions or say things that can hurt you, know that they mean well and they really don't know what to say.

We're here to read you and help you. We know how it feels. Remember, you're not alone.

[iPraiseHim]

Dear JayNTee,

Thank you for sharing. It helps others to know they are not alone and reminds us of the initial shock and awe or losing our spouse. Try to get rest, take care of yourself and just allow your self this time to grieve. Come and share and get support from people who are going through what you are and learn how to get through and move forward. I find that writing notes to my wife, helps me to get in touch and stay in touch with my wife. I have learned much here and benefited from many kind souls here that just love us as we go through this. Give yourself permission to express your feelings in a safe place. I will pray for God's healing touch and guidance for you. Shalom

[mrundell]

JayNTee.....

You are not alone. My husband of 28 years died on April 15, 2015. It seems like yesterday..... It still hurts so bad! No one understands until they've been down this road. I try to take it one day at a time... sometimes, I even fool my self into believing I'm doing okay... then I hear a song on the radio, or I see a picture or just hear a phase... then I'm in tears. I think there are benchmarks... I've made the 90 day mark... but sometimes its almost overwhelming. The sadness is sometimes unbearable. I miss him so much.

I'm glad you've found this place. Everyone here is a traveler on this lonely road. Sometime it helps just to vent and to cry.

Blessing to you.

Micki

[JayNTeeforalways]

Thank you everyone for the support. Ive read each post and it means alot. I've been busy, especially this week as I'm preparing for my love's service. I have so much family support right now, but I'm worried about how I'll feel after the busy-ness has settled and I'm back to my "normal" routine before my love passed away. The thought just tugs so hard at my heart. I'm still numb I suppose and my mind's kept preoccupied. I'm literally taking it one minute at a time because even one day is too much. Thank you all again.

[kayc]

You're right, one minute at a time right now. I hope the service is very special. When George died, all of my focus was on his service, and there was a bit of a relief when it was done as I put in 17 hours making a collage to display, and countless phone calls came in constantly, plus all the details to attend to. When the dust settles and everyone leaves, it hits you how they're really gone, I'm not sure it seems real before then, but I got through it and you will too. We'll be here for you, if you want to cry, scream, whatever, do it! It's okay to vent here too, you may not feel like it now, but somewhere down the road...

When is the service?

[KATPILOT]

Yes JayNTeeforalways, you must feel numb. This is so recent and how difficult it must be dealing with things in the state you are in. Our thoughts are with you and when you start to get back to a routine which will be anything but normal, you will find comfort here reading and speaking with those who get it. Yeah, minute by minute, step by step, and then day by day.

[Queeniemary]

JayNTee, I am so very sorry for your loss. I remember 5 1/2 years ago going through the very things you are describing. The preparation for the final service, the numbness, all of it. I won't try to tell you it will be better soon, but eventually you will be able to look back with love, and sadness. Always missing that special person, but eventually learning to live again. My husband died 5 1/2 years ago, suddenly, massive coronary. No illness, nothing, just gone in an instant. I thought I would never be able to make it going forward, but I did and you will also. I am glad you have family support, but you are right, eventually you will be left alone, to struggle to go back to your "normal" routine. We here have learned there is no old "normal" for us, we have had to learn a new "normal", and so will you. Just know that the people on this site understand what you are going through, and please come back and talk, vent, cry, rage any time you feel the need. I started coming here in April, 2010, after my husband died in January, 2010, and this place played a major part in me retaining my sanity. Thinking of you, get plenty of rest when you can, and try to eat healthy, that will help. Grieving takes a lot out of your body.

QMary

[JayNTeeforalways]

Thank you Kayc, Katpilot and queeniemary. The service was two days and it's done. It's been a long, tiring, difficult, numbing and exhausting last 3 weeks. I miss him so badly. I cried like a baby today. It feels like the day he left, all over again. I have moments where I'm okay and then I'm not okay, I sob so badly. I have moments when something triggers a memory of him or us or something he or we did, I feel so sad and hurt and all the hurt feelings resurface. Is this normal? But what is normal? I don't know. I don't know alot of things. All I know is my life has changed and not for the better, I feel. I feel so lost. I'm just so sad and hurt and heartbroken and lost and helpless. This grieving process is the worst kind of pain and no matter how much I wish I could change these feelings and thoughts, nothing can help it. I'm so lost without my husband.

[Froggie4635]

Dear JayNTee,

I have been (and sometimes still am)where you are. I'm really hard on myself, and telling myself that I should be past all this, but in reality it is going to take a long time. At almost 8 months, I still feel like I am treading water. I still look for the light, the joy but haven't been able to find it. I more good days than bad ones lately, but then I haven't had a lot of triggers lately either. Summer wasn't a big time for Mark and I...mostly we just tried to stay cool here in Houston. I am still looking at Mark's picture and saying "I can't believe you a re gone, how will I make it, how will I find happiness without you." Sometimes it will take every ounce of strength you have to hold on. I'm surprised I don't have dental damage for the many times I have had to grit my teeth. The waves of memories and emotions can be very overwhelming; sometimes they knock you down. I am not sure where I found this analogy; perhaps in one of the books I have read (and that is MANY). Grief is kind of like a ball of yarn you are creating. It starts really small and you keep winding the yarn making it bigger. That ball of yarn is your grief journey. There will be times when you will drop that ball of yarn, and it will roll away and come undone. But it never really unrolls back to the very start. You pick it up and roll it back up again, starting from a different point, a little further along. You grief journey isn't a straight line with different "stops" to get off and stay at. It is kind of like a spiral, and there will be times when you will be back at the same point again, but like a spiral that sometimes overlaps, it still goes forward. We have to remember to listen to our hearts, and our bodies. Rest when we can, for as long as we can. I feel I have a good support system, although most times I don't lean on them. I try to stand strong. I have my "brave face" that I wear a lot, but the people who REALLY know me, understand that I am still broken inside. Those people who know how much I loved Mark, and how much he loved me know the pain I endure. There are more times now that I find myself laughing at something, and sometimes I sing out loud along with a favorite song. I know I don't give myself enough quiet time, and I am working on that. How else will I hear Mark if I don't give myself the quiet I need? I have had an experience that helped me see that Mark is definitely still with me, so please know your husband is still there with you. It is not in the way we want, but they stay with us. It is still too early for it to be enough, and I understand that. Remember that expressing everything you feel is important, no matter what it is. Cry, laugh, scream, sing, cry some more. I remember how it was when I was planning the service for Mark...it was a while between when he died and when we had his service. His service was a week before Christmas. I just wanted it to be done so I could move into another phase of things. I understand your feeling of being lost, and yes this is the worst kind of pain imaginable, and they say we will come out stronger. There is nothing I wouldn't give to go back in time to be with Mark. Acceptance is a slow process. I no longer look for him to walk outside when I am sitting on the swing in the backyard, but I also cannot think about my life without him for too long, because it feels like a knife in my heart. Just be gentle with yourself and do whatever helps you. We are all here to listen and to help you.

[scba]

Dear Jayntee,

We are all here to listen and to help, and to "hold your hand". We understand you.

Before and after my boyfriend's funeral, I was not "allowed" to cry. I couldn't cry in front of his parents ("how could I, if they're through the most devastating pain? they have lost a son!") and also my parents didn't want me to cry. But when it was all over....I had a breakdown, I cried for weeks. I hated everything and everybody. I had the feeling that it hasn't been his funeral, but mine. "It's been the funeral of me and our life". I asked why, what for, what's next? So cry if you can because it is healing, dont' repress your tears even if they hurt you. It'll be "better" afterwards. Don't repress your feelings, cause they're not rational. It's a time to express yourself in the way it's ok for you.

When time comes, consider the possibility to talk to a therapist. It helped me a lot to understand my grief. But right now take care of yourself through basics: eat, take a shower, sleep. And allow your family and friends to help you too.

SC

[JayNTeeforalways]

Thank you froggie and scba. I woke up this morning wishing I hadn't. My heart literally ached and my stomach turned after realizing that again, my husband isn't here. I cry alot and don't hold back. It helps, but of course the pain is still there. It's his physical presence that I miss the most and the things that seemed so little when he was here, like a hug or being able to put my head on his shoulder just for comfort or touching his face or a kiss from him on my forhead. I just miss him so much. Thank you for your words everyone. IT helps to hear from those whom have been through this because this is the worst and moat cruel type of pain, ever.

[kayc]

George's service meant a lot to me, but it all seemed so surreal, it's like "is this real?" I was still in shock.

You will experience all kinds of emotions, like a roller coaster...when that happens, I hope you know it's okay to come here and vent. We've all yelled, cried, you name it!

[scba]

Yes, it's the worst pain. It feels like an agony. As if there is nothing between us and our broken hearts. I've been there too, wishing to never wake up again, feeling I've been cheated by each belief I had about love, God and life. But I keep waking up, I still don't know what's next, and it scares me to face it without my boyfriend.

[JayNTeeforalways]

Today marks 4 weeks since my husband left and it feels like it all just happened yesterday. I'm crying more and harder and the pain in my heart seems heavier and more intense. I'm not sure why, because everything is sinking in? I don't know but this pain is so bad. I miss him and I cry all the time. I can't stop crying. This is so painful.

[kayc]

I'm sorry. It seems those XXX weeks or XXX months or XXX years are a landmark reminder to us of the horror that occurred on that day, they can be tough to get through. Yes, when the shock and numbness wears off, the reality seems to hit. It's very painful right now, I wish there was something I could say to help.

[scba]

It is painful, and it seems nothing can help us to lessen the pain. My early phase of grief was very painful too. I felt i had lost everything, even my self being. Somehow, i survived, and keep the faith that you will too.

[JayNTeeforalways]

Thank you. Everyday I cry. I can be fine one moment and the next, I'm sobbing. Tonight I wailed so badly. Memories of my husband arriving from work at a certain time and a roller-coaster of emotions just hit me. The pain seems to be more now than before. I'm still having a difficult time realizing that he's no longer here. I get brief and passing thoughts that he's here and have to verify with my mom that he in fact is not coming home. Any of you experience this in the first month?

[kayc]

I didn't check with OTHER people, but I did check around the house. As time went on it felt like a dream that he'd ever even been here. I had to go check his birth, marriage, and death certificates to make sure he'd really existed. It's all so surreal! I look up at his picture on the wall and it feels like a million years ago that he ever existed. In the beginning I kept expecting him to call or walk in the door.

[scba]

I've experienced that for many weeks. It feels like they've been gone for a trip, right?. Someone told me this sensation lasts long but changes form. Rationally I know my love is not coming back, but a tiny part of me "believes" the contrary. This week I had a flue and I felt terrible, my mother asked me what medicine she should buy and I replied calmly: "my boyfriend". I knew it wasn't possible. My cousin, who lost his father 8 years ago, told me he still dreams with his father telling him: "this is a joke, look at me I'm back". A book that I read that talk about this is "The year of magical thinking" (Joan Didion). she writes: “There was a level on which I believed that what had happened remained reversible”

[Froggie4635]

When I used to go and sit on the swing in the back yard, I would automatically look at the garage expecting to see Mark come walking out with a beer after work. I don't do that anymore, so I guess I am moving forward in some respects. But I still cannot let myself dwell on the fact that he is gone, and that life will be without him from now on. I cannot handle that thought right now. I KNOW he will not be coming back, but somewhere my heart still wants to believe him alive in certain aspects. I read that book, although it went through my mind and then was gone. It was a hard read for me (it jumped back and forth) and I probably skimmed through a lot of the details. I will still tell people who ask if they can get me anything, I still say "bring back Mark". I also often wish I could turn back time.