December Comes

[Froggie4635]

I have been dreading this for the entire time I have been grieving the loss of my husband, Mark.  I am running out of days that I can say, "he was still alive one year ago" and it hurts more than I ever thought I could bear.  I don't feel I can lay this on anyone.  I know it is my burden to handle.  It is like all of a sudden it has become real, and I don't want it.  I can feel him all around me, and it also something that I can't explain to anyone.  I hear him whispering in my ear, "I'm here with you"...and his touch upon my cheek.  How does one bear this hurt?  I want his photo to come to life, just for a short time so I can look in his eyes, and run my fingers through his hair just one more time.  I grasp to try and find a memory that will stop these tears, but all I can do is hurt for the fact that he is gone. I keep wiping the tears away, and still more come. I only wish that time would stand still and that day wouldn't come, that day that changed my life forever.  He was my whole world, and I stood stronger with him by my side.  I know it is hard for family and friends to see me weep and struggle to bear this grief; they just wish they could help.  I try and busy myself and turn my focus to just getting things done and live my life like I don't have this huge emptiness that nothing can fill.  It almost feels like the life we had was this wonderful dream, almost like something that did not really exist.  My heart knows it did, and it aches so much.  Here it is, 1 am and I am listening to a CD I created, trying so much to feel as close to him as I can.  A line in one of the songs says it all..."he held my little world in the palm of his hand."  I guess one thing I am thankful for is that I no longer see how he was on that day he died, unless I close my eyes and go back to that day. I remember more the doctor coming in and telling me they did all they could, but he was gone.  I think more about what I was told in a message from him, that he lived to the end of his block of time.  It kind of makes it more peaceful; no questions about why, or no anger at "why?".  It is not for me to know why his time was so short, or what his purpose was in this world.  It is only for me to mourn the loss of his life, and the loss of our future days together.  I don't have any regrets, because I loved him each and every day, and let him know that.  I was blessed to have him, to have such a great love that I grieve so for now.  I just haven't gotten to the place where what I had is enough to sustain me.  I have wanted to sit and write him a letter, but in my heart that would be like letting go, and I am no where close to being able to do that.  "The Glory of Love"...."we've got each other's arms...that's the story of, that's the glory of love." 

[hollowheart]

Froggie, I can relate to not wanting time to pass and also trying to busy myself like this gaping void in my heart does not exist. It is is a huge hole to ignore. I dread leaving her behind. I feel like as the years go on she is getting lost in the past, and I hate the idea of thinking 'oh she passed 12 years ago' that is just to much time without her and I don't know what to do with myself at that thought.

I am back to my anxious ways, but I think now I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just bitter and angry. Mad that I have to endure this, even worse at the holidays where others are preparing for their Merry days and nights and I have no joy in my heart forever. She used to text me just about every morning, or I'd text her about something random. My phone is just silent and I just miss her so damn much. She was my best friend, the first person I contacted about any and everything. Now I just have to keep everything inside and to myself and that is driving me crazy. I can't concentrate. I hate working right now.

 

[kayc]

If my George lived to the end of his block of time, why do I feel so gypped?  Why do I feel, the week of his 51st birthday was too soon for him to go?  He missed so much of his life with me!  And if he can see and hear me but can't respond, how does that comfort me when we could be sitting side by side and going through this life together?  I need him!  It doesn't stop, it goes on and on!  I've learned to do my time without him, I rarely cry anymore, but the missing him goes on and on, like a hollow in my heart.

[scba]

I was thinking today: if he can see me or hear me, is he sad as I am? Is he upset too that we didn't say goodbye, that I cannot hear him telling me "I love you"? I woke up and started to cry: "did he knew that I loved him, that I really loved him, although life was sometimes tough, although I didn't say it every day? Did he died knowing it? 

Am I alone in this, or he grieves too, in a different way? I feel selfish, but I struggle with the thought: he rests in peace, because to me it means that he has forgotten me or in heaven no one cares about.

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I have so many questions; questions that only those who have died can answer.  Religion doesn't answer them; though they all try.  People who have experienced near-death experiences can't answer them; though they try.  I have a healthy dose of skepticism about me with pretty strong critical thinking skills; that means I have far more questions than answers.  I want to believe that our loved ones are with us but I only want it on a limited basis.  When I'm sad and grieving I would hope that Deedo doesn't see that since it would make her miserable not to be able to comfort me.  Most of the time I want to feel her presence but then I know that won't be enough.  Maybe it's better if I don't.  

Scba- I do believe that he does know how much you loved him.  I do believe that in the afterlife our earthly lives become clear; we are no longer burdened with the extraneous things that tend to cloud things.  He knows and he has not forgotten you.  Regardless of beliefs there is a design, a purpose behind what we go through.  And while I am not one that believes God has a direct hand in life and death on Earth, there is a design to the whys, whats, and wherefores. 

I apologize; I'm getting in too deep to things I have no idea what I'm talking about.  

[Gwenivere]

Like you, Brad, I have been flooded with questions since this happened.  From why us to where is he now?  I know there will never be answers to them I will find.  Everything is speculation or faith for some people.  

Maryanne, I truly empathize with you on your heartbreak.  One of the biggies I have been feeling is the lack of physical contact for so long.  I would so love to run my hands thru his hair and look into those eyes again.  To have a hug again in those arms.

i think about how I voluntarily changed my life to our life.  Lived that way for so long that getting my life returned is so hard.  Of course we remained individuals, but it was so much more enhance and vibrant being together.  When that is ripped away, prepared or not, we are so unprepared for what that means.  Yes, we were 'blessed' we had them.  The cost of losing them is so high.  Three are times I wish I never had met him.  But that is just because I so want the pain to ease up.  I have yet gotten to a point that when I am alone I can think of him without deep sadness.  Even the good memories bring no comfort yet.  I can talk to people about us, but it is very detached.  

I know the thing wrestle with is knowing there us no end to this pain.  Everything else in my life I have lost resolved itself over time.  This one will not.  That is about as close to acceptance I can get.  It may change to not bring 24/7, but it will never leave me.  Even when I can find some joy in memories, they will always come with a rider.  That they are all I have.  It's all the past now. Any future is mine alone and that was truly not prepared for or could be.

[Kpl48]

All of your shares express the aspects of grief that make living so hard. I miss Andre every day. I cry every day. My heart aches every day. I don't think I can go on living, but I do...every day.

Yesterday I cleaned the living room and bedroom. I had the carpet steam cleaned. When I was disabled for six years, Andre did everything because I couldn't stand or walk for longer than five to thirty minutes at a time. During the year prior to his death, I had knee replacement surgery on both knees. He was able to help me during my recovery periods.

The last four months of his life we were able to do things together. I was able to do things for him. He could see that I would be able to take care of myself when he was gone. It hurts so much that he is not here to enjoy a healthy life with me. We had so many things we wanted to do. Now everything I do takes such a big emotional push. I'm doing the things he wanted me to do. I hope he understands that I cry through it all.

I am using our living room more during the day. I want to stay in bed, but I don't. I go into my living room on most mornings, open the windows and have my coffee while I talk with a friend on the phone. The commitment to call my friend makes me get up, otherwise I would stay in bed. It was just too lonely and painful to face the morning (or day) without Andre. Talking with a very understanding and supportive friend is helping me. She says it helps her also. 

I feel so much grief every day. I'm learning to accept that I cry and feel the ache of loss every day. Each day seems worse that the previous day until I remember the pain of yesterday and all the yesterday's since his death. My friends and therapist tell me I've made so much progress. I can't see/feel it, but I have to believe them because I know they care about me. I'm so grateful to have them I my life. 

I'm also very grateful to have all of you in my life. Your shares help me to know it's normal to feel the way I'm feeling. Our descriptions of our process of grief are so honest and heartfelt. This is the only place that tells it like it is. Maybe it's easier to write about our grief than to talk about it. I don't know. I do know our group means so much to me. I think we keep on sharing because we have to in order to keep on living. 

Edited December 1, 2015 by Kpl48
Type o's

[KATPILOT]

I know it can never be the same Maryann but 'Happy Birthday to Mark' for no matter what, it's still his birthday. One day I hope you will find a smile on your face before sorrow when you think of him.  The one year day will lose it's importance as time goes on. Our thoughts are all with you this month and those who have gone through this know what you feel.

Stephen

[Froggie4635]

Thank you Stephen.  This morning is so very bittersweet.  I am trying to smile through the tears.  The absence of him is almost more than I can bear, but I will because I know how very much he loved me; he told me every single day.  Now it is time for me to believe in all he said, and let that love comfort me and help me along this journey.  Meeting him was the greatest gift I could ever be thankful for. 

[kayc]

I don't know the answers to that, scba, but I know the Bible says there will be no more tears...does that mean during soul sleep too?  I'm not a theologian and am sure they don't all agree anyway, but I do think that we pass into something not so limited by these physical bodies and it's someplace we have peace.  It's hard to imagine them not anguishing at our pain, because that was always their human reaction, yet if they have a broader perspective now, they may just wish we could see it, but they know everything will ultimately come out alright.

[scba]

I know there are no answers to my questions, I am sorry. I should give up looking for answers. Thank you Kay and Brad for your insights!

[bluelady]

I apologize that I have not posted in a long time, but because of the holiday season, I feel the need to share my thoughts and ask for help.  It is 14 months ago today that my precious Jim passed away.  Last Christmas and Thanksgiving were horrible, since I was so raw.  I began a candle lighting ceremony last year, for the loved ones in our family, who have passed on.  I am not sure I can do it again this year.  I still cry every day, I miss him so much and the love I feel for him is still thriving and growing stronger.  I thought that after a year had passed, that I would be so much better, but it just isn't so!  The new normal for me is so far away from the old normal, I can't deal with it.  I am still working full time, not knowing what I would do with my life if I didn't have a job to come to every day.  I frequently have new health issues to handle all alone, without my Jim's presence.  We were so very happy and so very much in love.  After 15 years, we still felt like newlyweds.  The loneliness is unbearable.  I attend a local grief support group every week, which has helped me a lot, but I still have frequent ambushes or muggings.  I went to one of the group holiday events a couple of weeks ago for widows and widowers, to help us deal with the loss of our spouses during the holiday season.  I cried alligator tears at the event and couldn't speak a word.  I thought I was past that, but obviously I am not.  I have no plans for Christmas, but will most assuredly spend it with family, as I couldn't handle being alone for the holidays, even after 14 months.  I hope to one day find a companion, but right now, I feel as though I would be cheating on my Jim, to simply have a cup of coffee with another man.   I am not sure I will ever feel any differently.   He was my rock, my love, my best friend, my everything.....and now he is gone and I have no one with whom to share my feelings or my life.   I guess what I am asking here, is how do I get through another month of holidays and gaieties, when I feel like crawling into a hole and pulling it in behind me!!??

 

 

[Gwenivere]

Good question, bluelady, about how to get thru another holiday.  I feel the same.  This is actually my 2nd, but last year was shock mode so I couldn't really feel anything.   This year I do because I hear people making their plans, happy, excited...all those things I used to feel.  Not feeling them is another reminder of how much life has changed.  I wish I could approach it like every day I do now.  But I know that is impossible.  I know I won't be socializing with anyone because we stopped doing that years ago and have no family and friends stopped parties as they had kids and moved into other social circles.  Steve and I always spent the day alone with our dogs.  That was enough.  But this time, wow, I just don't know.  No place to go to escape it either.  Crawling into a hole, meaning it will be a day I am utterly alone as friends all have their families, is probably what mine will be.  We never did much, but now what we did seems so special and lost.  I'll have my dogs and a Kleenex box.  Best I can do.

[kayc]

In case you haven't looked in the Tools for Healing section, there is a thread to help us through holidays:

http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/9038-tips-for-handling-the-holidays/

[hollowheart]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Good question, bluelady, about how to get thru another holiday.  I feel the same.  This is actually my 2nd, but last year was shock mode so I couldn't really feel anything.   This year I do because I hear people making their plans, happy, excited...all those things I used to feel.  Not feeling them is another reminder of how much life has changed.  I wish I could approach it like every day I do now.  But I know that is impossible.  I know I won't be socializing with anyone because we stopped doing that years ago and have no family and friends stopped parties as they had kids and moved into other social circles.  Steve and I always spent the day alone with our dogs.  That was enough.  But this time, wow, I just don't know.  No place to go to escape it either.  Crawling into a hole, meaning it will be a day I am utterly alone as friends all have their families, is probably what mine will be.  We never did much, but now what we did seems so special and lost.  I'll have my dogs and a Kleenex box.  Best I can do.

You always say everything I am feeling. We never had a Grand World Christmas either, but just like you, what we did was enough and perfect for us. So when that is gone it's everything. Everyone I know has families and kids or they want to do the opposite of what I would like to do for the holidays, so I have nothing.

My sister and my Ma was all I really needed, especially my sis as we liked and did all the same things. Now without her I'm just lost. All my Ma wants to do is lay on the couch, watch Murder Mysteries and eat. So really, I'm still alone during the holidays. I feel like I was dropped off in another planet, I just don't know what to do with myself most of the time. I truly feel alone. I have never felt alone like this. I wake up in the morning and think 'why did I even bother waking up?'  There is absolutely nothing during the entire day to look forward to. Nothing but trying to find a distraction from this pain.

[Kpl48]

I barely cried yesterday. I actually felt pretty good and got things done. This morning I am crying again. That desolate feeling is back again. I go to my support group at noon today. That should help me at least during the time I'm there. Andre and I were always together, even when we were having problems. We loved and supported each other through thick and thin. That was the same for all of you in this group. I read about what you had and I understand. I read about your pain in grief and I understand. I read about how you are trying to cope and live on and I understand. 

I spend most of my time alone although I reach out everyday. I have to reach out in order to go on living. Connecting with supportive and understanding people keeps me in the world. These people know about my grief and accept my tears. They do listen to my pain and my growth...briefly. That's OK because I know they care. My husband wanted me to make many friends and I've been doing this. My husband wanted me to have a good life and I'm doing this. When I want to die or can't bear being without him, I remember what he wanted/wants for me. 

I do share deeply with one close friend, my therapist and with you all. When I'm alone I often read and reread all your posts, old and new. I don't feel so desperately alone when I do this. I'm grateful I had the past two days without a lot of tears and deep heartache. I believe I'll have more of these days as time goes by. I'm slowly learning and accepting being by myself...without Andre. He is always in my heart. I will treasure what we had together. Some day our memories will be a comfort and maybe even a joy. I have to believe he is still with me; if only I had unwavering faith that this was absolutely true. 

[MartyT]

Kristine, my dear, you are working so very hard, and making so many healthy choices to help yourself. I just want to acknowledge that, and let you know that we are proud of you. I hear the resolute determination in your words. Keep moving forward, dear heart. Baby steps are just as effective as any other kind. And when everything seems hopeless, as it surely will at times, lean on us for hope until you can feel it in your heart once again.  ♥

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Kpl48 said:

 I have to believe he is still with me; if only I had unwavering faith that this was absolutely true. 

This is what I struggle with too.  I want to believe he is here in some way other than memories and in my heart.  His being gone from existence,  moving on without me or we will see each other again, I do not know.  I want to know where or if he is.  But this is unanswerable.  It's the first time I can't have that so it is a question I will carry til I am gone.

[Kpl48]

Thank you Marty. 

Gwenivere our losses are so painful. I so want to completely believe Andre is here with me in a spiritual way. In the meantime, I've got to keep moving forward the best I can for myself and for Andre. It's just so lonely being alone without him. 

[Guest Janka]

On ‎2‎.‎12‎.‎2015 at 11:03 PM, Gwenivere said:

But this time, wow, I just don't know.  No place to go to escape it either.  Crawling into a hole, meaning it will be a day I am utterly alone as friends all have their families, is probably what mine will be.  We never did much, but now what we did seems so special and lost.  I'll have my dogs and a Kleenex box.  Best I can do.

Dear Gwen,

reading your words reminds me how it feels,because I also have no real family.My father had died long ago and my mother and brother don´t care anymore.I have just 2 best friends of mine helping me as much as possible,but they also have their own families that´s why I´m all alone at Christmas as well.If I could,I would like to visit you,but it´s not possible right now.I thank God taking care for my beloved Jan in heaven and for myself here,I thank my best friends helping me in my life and being here for me and I thank for my work keeping me busy all along.It all has helped me to go through by now.Christmas is coming up soon and these days I feel the need to cry...each day...today too...always...Dear friend,tell you something.Yesterday I met a lady with her daughter buying in a store.We were talking about many things and I told her daughter that I would do anything to have such a wonderful mother as she has,because my mother doesn´t call me up,she doesn´t at Christmas,either.Do you know what she and her daughter have done?They bought me a Christmas gift and wanted me to go with them to see the Christmas markets in Wien I had not seen so long.I came home in the evening and I was crying all along,so happy there is a person that does care about me as well as my family should be,so good lady and happy family they were.Even now I´m close to tears writing about.

I miss my beloved man Jan more than yesterday...even more each day...it´s been 4 years now,but it seems to me more harder than before...I´ve bought the special presents at Christmas for my dearest Jan.I do it every year and will do for the rest of my life.

He knows that I love him so much as no words can say and I know that he loves me,too so much and every chance he gets,he tries to remind me to make us both happy and let me know that I will be with him as one again. 

Hugs from Janka

[Gwenivere]

What a very special gift you got, Janka, from the woman and her daughter.  I've been finding I need to put myself out there when I can be it strangers or people I have stated away from during an isolation phase.  It's not easy, but many times it pays off to make the gesture.  I had volunteered today and decided to stop by a woman's house I hadn't seen since Steve died.  She and her husband were very welcoming and it didn't come up that Steve died til I was leaving.  We sat, talked, had each of our 2 dogs romping around.  I still felt that sinking feeling when I got home, but I didn't feel as isolated.  Sometimes I fear I will forget how to interact with people.  But we are still social beings and it comes naturally to want to connect.  I'm glad I took the isolation time tho.  I have learned not to make my grief the central topic.  I have here, a couple friends and a counselor for that when needed.  It's so odd wanting Christmas to be done and over with.  I thought I could vicariously enjoy it thru others happiness but I can't.  It's never easy being the one looking in the window as others celebrate.  

[kayc]

Janka,

Your post touched me, what special people!  I will likely be alone on Christmas.  My son does whatever his wife wants (spends time with her family) and I wasn't invited over.  My daughter rarely returns calls or texts, so I have no idea what, if any, her plans are.  It's predicted to snow so even if she wanted, we probably can't get together.  Neither of my kids have been here all year (she lives 55 miles away and my son is twice that far away).  She never invites me over or to meet her somewhere.  My son wants me to do all the driving (I don't drive at night so it means spending the night, which means I have to get someone to watch my dog and I can't be gone when it's freezing because I have to keep the fire going to keep the pipes from freezing).  It's not simple any more.

Since I am on my own now, I've decided to sign up to attend a potluck for others who are alone at the local museum.  At least I'll get out and be with others for a while instead of sitting home feeling sorry for myself.  (Not an option!)  I posted on Facebook yesterday for people to take the time in their joyous festivity to say a prayer for those who are alone at Christmas or missing someone they love at Christmas.  It's a hard time of year for grievers!

It would also be good if people would reach out to neighbors or friends...they don't have to disrupt their own family's plans, but maybe have someone alone in for dessert or a nightcap.  It needn't be all day, even an hour to include them would brighten up their day and show they're cared about.

[kevin]

KayC, good on you....Get Busy Living, .............your so right about this being a difficult season. Remember, you are the Boss. If whatever you decide to do, if it doesn't work out, big deal, at least you tried it. The way a wise man put it to me...".don't sit around waiting for a knock on your door, you go do the knocking"....good words to live by....never know who will answer those doors......Have a good day,,,.This is a Cold morning in Northern Alberta -15 F,,,,,,,,

[kayc]

Kevin,

It's never gotten that cold here, the coldest I've had is 12 below I think.  It's snowing here though, so I'm staying home from church this morning.  Very wet, heavy, hard to shovel.  Got the dog walked and driveway and ramp are almost shoveled, taking a break before I finish the job.  I could have made it down the mountain but it's coming home I wasn't sure about as it's still putting it down.

Tonight I have a ride to church, I'm in the Christmas Program & choir, been practicing the last couple of months, hope it goes well.

I hope you're in by the warm fire!  Love my wood stove!

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kevin said:

.This is a Cold morning in Northern Alberta -15 F,,,,,,,,

Kevin, my oldest dog is from Alberta and that is what we named her.  Her first adventure was flying from there to Seattle.  Considering your temps, I'm glad we are down here!