Guest Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 I'm currently on a road trip to visit my boys in Austin, Tx. Just completed a ten hour haul across West Texas with just myself, Dvorak, Rachmaninoff, Tschaikiwsky, Smetnana, and my thoughts. Started off angry; angry at cancer for taking my wife from me. And angry at grief for taking my memories from me. But then I thought about the cancer...I was personifying it and consequently giving it too much credit and too much power over me. Cancer is indiscriminate. It does not have a brain. It attached Deedo because that is what cancers do. Just like my Crohn's Disease. It happens. I decided energy spent on cancer was wasted energy. Then came grief. I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid memories of the past 37 years because of the pain they elicited. But the more I thought about grief the clearer it seemed to me that I do have some control over how I respond. I can avoid thinking of the past or I can put a positive spin on it and remember Deedo for the zany, fun-loving, positive, energetic, caring, compassionate, loving, doting, forgiving, wonderful, beautiful person that she was. West Texas is a good place to walk down memory lane because there aren't a lot of distractors for hundreds of miles and that's what I did. I cried some but I laughed more. My heart ached with my loss but swelled with gratitude and joy that I do have so many memories to treasure. I'm in a motel room reflecting on the day fully cognizant that tomorrow might be several steps back but I hope not. I am a very lucky person to have had her in my life for the time I did. I do wish I had her longer; I know we all feel the same. But the Gods were all smiling on me the day she sauntered into my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Brad, I had Billy for 54 years and unrealistically, I wanted him 54 more. I am a selfish woman. Enjoy your family. Mine have helped me so much. I hate driving in west Texas. I hope you sleep good tonight. Sleep is still a problem for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Oh, Brad, the good memories will come and you will find it uplifting to focus on all the special things your Deedo brought into your life. Safe travels to your destination tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Angela and I just loved road trips......This was the days before GPS, she was the Map Girl, Navigator, and Moose watch. We would spell each other off and maximize driving when the kids were sleeping. I was apprehensive on my first trips alone and found myself talking to her and the GPS together. Definitely had some moments , particularly when you pull into familiar stops.....hard going back , but sure some good memories.....Have a good time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 very well said Brad and I hope you have a safe trip. Sfter my boyfriend died, I spent a lot of time thinking of his disease, trying to understand what went wrong, what did I do wrong. Somehow she was the third person in our relationship and I felt she and I were left "here" to fight each other (crazy....) I felt in the early days that she was growing inside of me, which of course wasn't true. It was a virus which ultimately caused multiple organ suth down and his death. A thing we cannot even see, touch, predict, that killed him. I could "feel" them "living" inside of me, but this was totally crazy....many months later, the disease and the virus "left" my body. But they are still conversation topic in my therapy sessions. We loved road trips too. I miss them very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 It took me over a month before I finally got angry. I was just sad, shocked and heartbroken for the longest time. I got angry and I'm still angry. Angry she is gone so young, angry that we can't continue on doing what we've been doing, angry she had to get a medical problem, angry at myself for not helping her more on those last days that could have saved her life, angry that I have to deal with my grief, therapy, being sad all the time and being lonely. I'm angry this had to happen to us. I'm angry I have no current memories and I won't have any future memories. I know we have to put a spin on these kinds of things to try get through this, but as far as memories I always had them. It's when all you have left are memories that the anger comes for me. I hate thinking about my sister in the past tense and not talking about something she did yesterday or this morning. I am lucky I had her for as long as I did, but I don't think I will ever be at peace at God for taking her from me so soon. I am to distraught for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 HH, my faith has not returned like it should. I have anger also. I think that is something we all have. Driving the truck down to the larger town (we are talking going from 1000 people town to 2200 people town), here in Arkansas was about a 21 mile drive. I prayed and I cried and I talked to Jesus and I talked to Billy and if either one of them were listening, then they would have just looked at each other and shook their head. I prayed for peace. Some of that hardened wax around my heart has melted, but I am afraid the wax around my brain is just as hard. People tell me God understands our anger. I hope so. I understand it and I don't like it. I want my faith back. I put a cross on the wall at the foot of my bed. When I was so sick in the Catholic hospital, that cross brought me peace. So did the nun who came and prayed over me, and I am not Catholic. But then again, the only label I liked was being Billy's wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 Brad, I feel as you do. I hope you don't encounter bad weather/roads on your trip, pray God keep you safe, and may you enjoy some great time with your boys! You're brave to take such a long trip by yourself! Margaret, It took me about a year to be able to pray meaningfully. I hadn't lost my belief in God, I just felt a disconnect I guess, felt angry that he hadn't kept George from dying. I had to run the full gamut to come back where I needed to be. I'd imagine everyone's journey back to one of faith is different,but try not to worry about it, it will happen when you're more ready, and meanwhile, yes, God does understand. This is all part of our grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 I am reading what all of you write about God. I was raised Catholic and none of their doctrines made sense to me because it was a God that possessed human traits like anger and vanity demanding worship. I spent my life without belief in anything that had any control or caring. Steve knew this and it wasn't until the last years of his life did he tell me he did believe in God. But not in the conventional way. Now I think back on those conversations and want to believe as he did. That there is something there we can turn to and just talk about our appreciations and woes. He told me he would just take time each day and have a little chat with this God. I feel that now lacking in my life and know it is triggered by his death. It has forced me to confront how meaningless this life is if we don't have something we feel makes it more than randomly being born, be here and then vanish into nothingness. We are all so unique. Even our dogs have personalities. I don't know how to do this, but am open to it. Funny it came back to me at 60. Even when he died I wished I believed in that old God just so I could scream at it about taking him from me. But I couldn't. So now as I try to find peace, I am looking for a presence that is comforting, had nothing to do with what nature did to Steve and can be there in my good and bad moments. One thing I don't believe is that God orchestrates our lives. I can believe there is something to help us thru what is actually normal life and that includes death. The circle of life thing. What I didn't ever think of was being alone facing what is left of my life. I never thought about what getting older or disease entering our lives. This grief journey certainly is presenting me with many doors to look into. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 4, 2015 Report Share Posted December 4, 2015 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: This grief journey certainly is presenting me with many doors to look into. Indeed it does, Gwenivere. This article, along with the related resources listed at its base, addresses how we all tend to question our spiritual beliefs when we have suffered significant loss: Religion and Spirituality in Grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 I have written before my dad was a Baptist deacon. My life was the church, a small one with only three deacons and the deacon's children were held up to be a little better than the others. Not me, my dream was to dance in those cages on the Bossier strip wearing tassels and white boots with just enough covered to hide things. That was back in the early 60's. My dad would have died of a heart attack, but I wanted to have "fun" rather than going to brotherhood (cooked for it), cleaning the church, running off the Sunday bulletin, girls auxiliary, Wednesday night prayer meeting, Sunday morning, Sunday night and once a month mid day service at another missionary Baptist church within driving distance. We had fire and brimstone preachers that made me scared to go outside the church after services. Now, honestly I do think you can go overboard with anything. I had to go to church even sick. But, I did develop a faith in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, (Trinity). Okay, if you asked me to explain all this, now all these years later, I could not explain it. But there was faith in there somewhere and when I had cancer, Billy led me back to that faith with the story of the shepherd leaving his 99 sheep to hunt for that one lost sheep. Right now I feel like one of those lost sheep, and I do want my faith back. I want that "peace that passes all understanding." I found and felt closer to that faith with Billy walking in the forest, on the rivers, and in nature. Now, I am on a mission to find my faith again because I don't have Billy to point me toward it. My faith, my belief might not be everyone else's, or anyone else's. I don't know who is right or who is wrong, I just have to find myself somewhere in this world of grief. I cannot say how, but I am going to try. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Finding Religion is something I am having trouble with, I may be trying to reconnect to something I never had. I had the up bringing, Catechism classes, attending Church, and went through the motions. After Angela's death I decided to research the after life, resurrection, and what the Bible actually said about this...After a month or so of Anger, and the questions we all ask, why good people are taken, and other people who are blatant sinners live on. I am fortunate I have a couple of good mentors....they left me with a saying....WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 1 minute ago, kevin said: Finding Religion is something I am having trouble with, I may be trying to reconnect to something I never had. I had the up bringing, Catechism classes, attending Church, and went through the motions. After Angela's death I decided to research the after life, resurrection, and what the Bible actually said about this...After a month or so of Anger, and the questions we all ask, why good people are taken, and other people who are blatant sinners live on. I am fortunate I have a couple of good mentors....they left me with a saying....WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR...... Thank you, Marty, for the link. It was helpful. The harmful things quoted about God and calling this special person 'home' really hit me. Yes, Steve was indeed special....so why would you take him from me for yourself? Surely enough people will get there as life dictates. But to actually 'take' someone? That is that part of beliefs that leave me cold. I feel arrogant enough to say I needed him more than he/she/it does. I don't have the 'collection' that being would. Steve bring missing from that place for another decade or is so irrelevant compared to the vitality he shared and inspired with people here. i am not trying to find religion. By that I mean an organized belief system. I know that will not work for me. I already have the same reactions Kevin posted about good vs. bad people, also some 'grand and mysterious' plan God has. I don't buy that either. What I am looking for is some kind of presence (?) that can maybe bring some meaning back to living after this loss. Nothing comes even close to what this experience is doing to me. Your post is quite coincidental as I had a routine Doctor apt. today and my doc is a man if science but also a man of God. I told him of this dilemma and he said....if you look for God, he will find you. So, essentially, when I am ready and clarify what I need, the presence will become clear. Or appear or something. Time will tell. All I know is that if it helped Steve deal with imminent death for 5 years, it's something I want to find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Yes. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Gweniviere, I think those things (calling him home) are cliches PEOPLE say, and we know how misguided some of their remarks can be! I don't believe God "took George from me", but George was human and his heart faulty, ironic as he always seemed to me to have the biggest heart of anyone! I don't affix a lot of meaning to when someone dies, but rather it just is their passing into their next phase and it seems rather random how/when they do that. My dad was 62 when he died, my mom lived to 92, and my George only 51...but then my niece wasn't quite two and my nephew just three. None of us get a certain number of years, we can't count on it, I guess that's why it's up to us to make the most of what we do have for none of us knows how long it will be. Margaret, I grew up in the Nazarene Church, it was legalistic, but 15 years ago I switched to a conservative Baptist Church. It doesn't sound like the one you attended though, I don't think I've heard any hell, fire, and brimstone messages, although that is due to whatever preacher one has and the individual congregation, we don't have "brotherhood" or "girl's auxiliary" either. One thing I do love about my church is they are accepting and non-judgmental. Sure, they have their beliefs, but they don't try to push them on someone else. To me, what's important is not the religiosity of the denomination, but rather the knowing God and having personal relationship with Him...the same as you did with your partner. Having someone (God) you can talk to and listen to, someone you know cares, someone you can count on, THAT is what makes a difference for me. If I thought He was the way some people have portrayed Him, I probably wouldn't have much interest. Note to Margaret: Sometimes kids that grow up in the church, where they have to attend and live by their parent's rules and constraints, are just itching to make their own decisions and I daresay that affects their choices. I had to smile at your wanting to wear tassels and dance, it sounds like rebelling against the rules of your dad/church and not necessarily something indicative of YOU. ahh but you must have been a fun loving gal! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 I cannot fault my church or my parents. I cannot remember the exact sayings, but as the twig is bent, so shall it grow. So, all the teachings of the church, though like a mule, I pulled against them, they are still with me, and for those of faith, I am looking for solace for the day. That is all we all want, peace for this hell we are living in. However we find it, whether it is faith in God, or just peace in our heart, it is what we are all looking for. I was angry at first at God, why take him now, after 54 years. Oh, what a selfish person I am, but I wanted him 54 more. I do know how lucky I was to be with him for so long when others lost their mate, their partner for a lesser number of years. Does not matter how long, or how short, we are all suffering through this loss. And, my selfishness makes me wonder how those families cope that had their family members taken away in shootings, airplane, automobile accidents. I bought a book last night at the Christian bookstore in Hot Springs. A book on grief. The salesclerk asked me if I minded her asking who I had lost. I told her and with tears in her eyes she told me about losing her child 13 years ago. I told her we both needed to go in back and just cry. She said to not be afraid to cry. Fear of crying is not one of my fears. I have that thing down to perfection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Well I have heard people say they're afraid to cry for fear they'll never stop. You are right, all of us want peace, some solace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 KayC, you said: One thing I do love about my church is they are accepting and non-judgmental. Sure, they have their beliefs, but they don't try to push them on someone else. That is what we should all look for in a church, if we look to go to church. I don't want to push anything on anyone else. The main reason is I don't know what to push. Right now I just want to pull in, not push. You sound like you are going to the ideal church. There are all kinds, and we know that, but handling snakes, foot washing Baptists, missionary Baptists, Southern Baptists, all kinds of just Baptists. And, I don't even know what that means. (I guess I was not listening when those fire and brimstone preachers were preaching.) We just have to do what feels good for us, and like always, I am looking for something that "feels good." The sun is out, the sky is blue, there is not a cloud to spoil the view...............I don't think I like week ends any better than holidays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Margaret, sounds like your on a very sound path. Just by going to the bookstore speaks of determination on your search. My search has only included Amazon and the Grief counsellor recommendations. That is the good thing about retirement and free time, we can channel our energy once we clear out the distractions .,,,,I'm referring to the blame, guilt, and other negative anchors......I even picked up DVD's on the different Gospels, dry but educational. ..Three weeks ago I wouldn't have bothered, now I am .......this journey does change...PS what Book did you purchase? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Kevin, I'm searching. If Billy's little quip about the lost sheep could bring my faith back to me years ago when I had cancer, and he cannot help me now, I look for inspiration from my friends who have lost their husbands. This first book was written by the widow of a Methodist minister who had been married the same length of time we had been. Also, in his younger years, Billy had a scholarship to a college studying to be a Methodist minister. Things turned upside down for him, but I wanted to read this woman's perspective. "Grace for the Widow, A Journey Through the Fog of Loss" by Joyce Rogers. "Life After Grief" by Rebecca Hayford Bauer. Also a book of daily meditations "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love" by Raymond R. Mitsch and Lynn Brookside. I read at night after I go to bed. I have made this into something I do each night too, to read from Billy's favorite author C.J. Box, all the Joe Pickett novels of his and just anything he writes. Billy and I used to say "I am you and you are me" so, if I can enjoy the books, maybe Billy can too. I do most things topsy turvey anyhow, like saving all his clothes and throwing away everything but the basic necessities of my own. I kinda figure this, whatever I do right now does not have to make any sense to anyone but me. And, I definitely am looking for that path, somewhere. And, I am a frequent visitor to Amazon. I just bought the 10.1 inch Kindle Fire and keyboard and am learning it. I was on the search for a new laptop, but decided this was the way I wanted to go. I also bought an expensive cover for the Kindle (this is our 5th Kindle), but the keyboard closed provides a cover. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Kay, I hate opening those floodgates. I am so tired of crying and feeling like life has no meaning. It's too bad there is no 'grief school' to help us because those are the times I feel truly lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 I was raised as catholic, although I never felt the presence of god, jesus, the holy spirit and Mary in my heart. My boyfriend died at 33 years old. He was agnostic, he never told me about his idea about the afterlife and i never asked him, because i never thought that he would die so young. I am angry at god, i am angry at those who mentioned His plan, His will and His design. You understand if i say i dont care about wills, designs and master plans anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Yeah, I don't know about all that, scba. I know some people believe that way, but I don't see it, I see what seems to be random. I mean it's luck of the draw what family you're born into, how rich or poor they are, what color skin you have, what intelligence you get...and it seems to me just as random when and how you die. I mean we get a little input by how we live but even then...one person smokes all their lives and eats bacon every day and lives to 100 while a friend of mine ate organic and was the kindest soul and died of cancer at 40. So go figure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) I first saw this in a GRAVE YARD in Newfoundland Canada...Angela's Brother showed me this about three years ago when we visited his Dad's gravesite Edited December 6, 2015 by kevin grammar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 As I have stated before, I am not much for faith or religion. Like you Margaret, I am still searching for something. I haven't given up on church, yet I still don't feel like I belong there. I like Gwen's doctor's statement about looking for God and He will find you. I am still lost. I actually envy those of you with faith as you have something to cling to. My daughter had strong faith. Her tiny church and congregation were wonderful and loving. I felt somewhat comfortable there. In this big city, it is almost impossible to find a tiny, close knit church family. Even the churches have resorted to technology with their big screens and unfamiliar music. They do not feel like "home" which is what I am searching for, I guess. I was angry at God for years wondering why I have never had a single prayer answered. My anger is gone and has been replaced with indifference, I suppose. It will haunt me forever that God wasn't listening to my daughter, a person who loved him. In one of her more lucid moments shortly before she died, she looked up at me and said "I just love life". I will always wonder why He wasn't listening. On a side note to Gwenivere, my daughter died 14 months after my husband. I remain in disbelief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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