brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Yesterday, I made it through another first alone. EVERY day is painful and alone, but the special occasion days are a little more difficult. When I lost my husband, I felt like my world fell apart and it still feels that way 7 months and 7 days later, however, until yesterday it didn't really sink in, that I'm alone. With my immediate family already gone (grandparents, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins) I had my husband with me and now I don't have that. I have already made it through a lot of firsts, his birthday, our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day and yesterday my birthday. It really hit me hard to realize that I'm so physically alone for those special days and every day. Sure I got a few phone calls and don't get me wrong that emotional support was nice and helpful, but for the 1st time in my life, I realized, I'm alone, no physical person to celebrate/be with and get emotional support from. That is a very tough thing to come to terms with and I'm not sure I will ever be able to come to terms with that. I'm hoping I will some day and that when these times become the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. times, it will get a little easier. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Brat#2, I wish I'd known it was your birthday, Happy belated birthday. I remember my first birthday after George died, I cried myself to sleep. No one remembered my birthday! Out of all my sisters, kids, friends, not one said Happy Birthday (my sisters & I celebrated late along with my daughter and my son was in the Air Force). George always made such a big deal out of every special day, it was a stark contrast to what I'd lost. Now it'd be a little depressing but nothing like that first year. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 kayc My husband, Dale, always made special days better. Thank you for the belated wish and thank you for letting me know it does get a little easier. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Happy Belated Birthday Brat. I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only one that cared about birthdays and holidays. Kay, that's awful no one remembered your bday on the day, but I'm glad it finally got celebrated. We would celebrate everything--Birthdays, Easter, Valentines Day, Christmas. I will miss that. I couldn't even get the guy I was 'dating' to care, he didn't even give me a card! I always think that I will never get anyone to care about things like she did. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 hallowheart - thank you for the belated wish too. Not that every day with him wasn't special in it's own way, but we would celebrate the "special" ones different. We may not have done anything super exciting, but would make a big deal about that day among ourselves. I grew up with my parents celebrating every holiday in a pretty big way and his family didn't, so I'm the one who started making a big deal with birthdays and holidays, I would decorate the house with specific decorations for every holiday (either with items from my childhood or items I had made over the years) and he loved it and would ask when are you going to decorate for the holiday? It was cute, this manly man wanting the hearts, bunnies, etc out for that specific holiday! I know the feeling that I won't find anyone to care about things like that again either. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Birthdays are hard because they are so much more personal. No one knows unless you tell them and your beloved always knew. It's the one day you or they feel really special unlike the big holidays. Been thru 2 now for us both. It's going to be hard for a long time I think. But then, everything is now. Wow, I am sorry I couldn't find some comforting words. All the ones I know slip thru my fingers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Gwen No need to apologize, comforting words are hard to find sometimes when you are suffering as much as the other person is. It's just nice to see other people's thoughts and feelings on things. Thank you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Thank you, Marty 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted February 17, 2016 Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Brat, I just love that you said he liked the decorations and asked you when you would be putting them up. That's great. I would so love a man like that. I'm a big sap and loved doing things for people, especially knowing they'd really appreciate it or get a kick out of it. Because I'm that type of person I will miss that. Christmas was awful, very hollow and boring. It's like I having nothing to look forward to during NO TIME of the year now. Ugh. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 17, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2016 Hollowheart, I know, it was fun and I love doing things for people too. You are right, have nothing to really look forward to now, the only holiday I decorated for was Christmas and it wasn't near the way we/I usually do it, but I only got out the special decorations that he bought me or were my parents, so actually that made it sort of comforting. Hopefully with some time, it will get easier for both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted February 18, 2016 Report Share Posted February 18, 2016 I have been dealing with firsts as well but not holiday firsts. Today, the NY Yankees began Spring Training. My husband was a devoted Yankees fan and I am a Mets fan. Just hearing the season is coming up made me so incredibly sad. Worse yet, over the past couple of days was the Westminster Dog Show. We watched that together every year forever. I saw a commercial for it and got so upset. I was unable to watch it. There are those firsts too which can really stop you in your tracks. I wish you strength in getting through them. It's so incredibly difficult. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2016 iheartm - I agree it's not just the holidays that are difficult, every day is. You are right about the special interests that you shared are hard. There are TV shows that I can't watch, I haven't listened to any music yet, been invited to go to restaurants with people and can't do it because it was "our" favorite restaurant to celebrate in. You don't realize how much of a big part of your life they were in just every day things, that you can't seem to do now because they aren't here to do them with you. I wish us all strength and hope as time goes on it does get a little easier, but I'm sure it will never go completely away. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Grief changes over time but it never goes away. The loss of my beloved Jim will be four years in May. This I cannot believe! We all know that there are two sides of a coin. I have come to believe this in my grief. I had great love and am so grateful for that. My grief is always with me but so are the memories I have and I treasure that. The deep pain eases but it never goes away. We learn to live in the ebb and flow of our lives. Tsunamis come when we least expect them but they do leave. Everything that is said about grief being a roller coaster ride is true. Everything they say about grief being a ferocious wave is true but the calm comes also. It is up to us to acknowledge our grief and share our pain with a community of grievers. We do this here as we share with other grievers. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 19, 2016 Report Share Posted February 19, 2016 Anne - Well said! 2 minutes ago, enna said: It is up to us to acknowledge our grief and share our pain with a community of grievers. We do this here as we share with other grievers. I also feel it is up to us to recognize the miracle we shared in finding unconditional love; very few people are so fortunate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 20, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 20, 2016 Anne and Brad Yes, I'm glad I found this site, as it does make it so much easier to go through this with others who know what I'm feeling. Yes, it is a miracle that we found that unconditional love and I do see that I'm fortunate in that and do have great memories (that are now coming in my mind more often now). Thank you 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 I think this really says what so many of us are feeling. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Beautiful Enna. Most of the time I feel 'with you went all of me'. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Very true Enna. With him went the best of me and I have been left with a heart forever broken. I don't know how to restore my heart. If this is the price for love, I don't want to pay it again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 The price for love. I never knew something that good could feel so bad. It's another dismally rainy afternoon in Seattle. Especially lonely being the weekend. I know it will be a desperately long day without him. Food shopping day for just me now. People say to call, but that does so little for me. No one gets that each day feels another day worse, not another day I have adapted to. It's like being in a prison scratching lines on the wall seeing how long I have been alone. It's not ven a matter if I want to ever feel this again because I don't feel this time will ever end. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Oh Gwen, I can feel your pain. I wish I can give you some word of confort to help you. The only thing that comes to my mind is an advise I got today from a friend. She told me "Repeat, I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 I wish I could bring words to comfort you all, I know how hard this journey is, I also know each of us finds our own way through it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 Gwenivere and everyone: Know how you feel. I am feeling like this is a life sentence. Spending mornings and nights alone day after day is excruciating, especially after so many years of having that rapport with your husband on a daily basis. I hope what they say is true about things getting better. The loneliness feels so crippling. Do people really get used to this? A friend who lives far away sent me an e-mail with a link to someone named "Ken Druck" who lost his daughter 20 years ago, and he has written a book about facing reality, kind of like the thing of "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Boy, that hit me wrong. Maybe that is what you're supposed to do, but exactly how is what I want to know. I find just getting through days and doing things is a major accomplishment, but doing it happily? I wish I could.......Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 I have no idea cookie. I keep reading literature about it, in the early days i read books about survivors just to understand how to keep believing in life. My book of reference was Frankl's men in search of meaning. I still don't get it. Maybe we will get used to this after all, mixed with acceptance, the effect of time that passes, new life challenges of any type. When I think I have a clue, I am clueless a day later. Maybe getting better just means being able to cope better, to coexist better, to be sure that this too shall pass. I don't know..... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 22, 2016 Report Share Posted February 22, 2016 As you are the most 'advanced' in dealing with this, Kay, I am so hoping you are right. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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