iheartm Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 So ends another week without him. Every song on the radio, every sports game on television, every trip to the supermarket where I shop for one now is a hard reminder that he's never coming back. He would never leave me. But he did. It's so hard. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 yes, another week. Even my daughter doesn't get it. A couple what we always went out with invited me for dinner. I told my daughter that I was reluctant to go and she did not know why. It is so hard without him. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Yah, that is how it feels for me too. Another week, another addition to the time alone. I used to really hate weekends, but now it is every day he is gone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't see something in the world and certainly here at home that reminds me of his absence. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JHCP Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 He would never leave me. But he did. It's so hard. i know exactly how you feel! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Oh yes those triggers! iheartm I remember being a few months into this journey when I was coming out of shock and reality was at every turn. So many things we do will always bring trigger moments in the early stages of grief yet they slowly ease with time. They never do leave us though. For me, the grocery store was and still is a potential danger zone and I'm not entirely sure why. You touch upon a point about how he would never leave you but he did. That reminds me of a truth that it was not their choice and I ponder often about how Kathy doesn't get to be with me either. I would like to believe that this would have been the last thing she would have wanted. Now she may be having a fascinating time traveling the cosmos, I on the other hand get to keep living for now and while death for all of us is certain, we still have time to see, hear, touch, and smell everything we can and while we don't get to hug them or kiss them, neither do they. Death just sucks. It always has and it always will. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted February 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 There is something about the supermarket that just gets me. I remember about three years ago, I was in there and my cell phone rang. It was him and he said, "Hey, where are you?" and I said, "I'm in the supermarket." He said, "What aisle?" So I said, "What?" laughing. He said, "I'm in aisle 4!" and we met up and laughed about that. I am welling up right now typing that. we have a Walgreens market by us as well and every time I went in there, I would park in the same spot (I was lucky to get it 95% of the time) so if he was out for a walk and passed by, he would see that I was in there and would come in and meet me. To see him appear in Walgreens and smile and come up to me was such fun. There is no one to run into anymore like that. No one to call and say, "I'm stopping at a few more stores." No one waiting for me at home. No one to have dinner with. It's all gone. I am in a place now in which all of the business elements of his passing are taken care of and now my feelings are a combination of "wtf" and pure sadness. I don't feel out of control, but I am just unable to fathom how after all of our wonderful years together I am supposed to go on without him. What if I don't want to? I don't mean that in an "I'm going to hurt myself kind of way" and I'm sure most people here understand exactly what I mean when I say that. It's just not possible to see a future that does not include both of us because we were everything to each other and did everything together. A friend of mine was gently saying that when you are part of a couple for such a long time, a lot of one's identity is wrapped up in the other person and that at some point I should start doing things that I personally would like to do but just did not do when we were a couple. I was perplexed by that suggestion because I cannot think of any hobby or activity that either of us suspended when we got together. So that puts me in a position of having the option to participate in hobbies and activities that we did together and get very sad and upset or lay on the couch sad and upset. Not very appetizing choices but I am not going to adopt new interests to fill my time because I really don't want to. The idea of doing that makes me feel like I am trying to push him out of my mind and force in something to replace my feelings about him. It's similar to our cat. She's nearly 3 now and right after this happened, I considered getting another cat because M was retired and home with her during the day and I work a lot. I was worried that not only would she be missing him but she had never been alone all day before and might be very sad at that. But then I thought, "She is grieving too. What if someone brought a person to my door and said, 'Here is a new friend for you to hang out with.'?" I would not want to have to be grieving and trying to find my way while trying to integrate someone new into my life. So I let it be. She has been so good. No complaints or changes in behavior. I tell her when I leave in the morning that her daddy will be hanging out with her all day and watching her. I'm so glad she's been so good. I felt so bad for her. Part of me wishes that if he just appeared one time and told me he is okay and we will be together again some day that maybe I could begin to cope, but the idea that he left me is something he would just never, ever do and it's so difficult to accept and understand that. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Iheartm: I totally relate to what you said...it's brutal, I know. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Iheartm: Boy, you've have spoken for me and probably a lot of people here. All the memories and things done together. I, too, cannot imagine life without him. I keep thinking I will need to move at some point because he built the house we, I live in and he is everywhere and nowhere. But, I can't imagine doing that either. It's like I'm in quicksand, can't mobilize. Everywhere I go also are places we went together all the time. I've thought I wish I could have an operation on my brain to get rid of memories. They are not very comforting at this point; will they ever be? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Wow, ALLl of you have said what I've been feeling the last couple of weeks. It is so difficult being alone and so sad that we all have to be in this situation. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Me not,Brat...I can´t say something like that...I have my faith and know that I´ll be with my beloved man Jan again...I know it...I also have the proofs of many miracles I´ve got so far...I love him endlessly...This is not the end... With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Janka, I believe I will be with my love again someday too.. but for now it is difficult being without him. I miss everything about him. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 27, 2016 Report Share Posted February 27, 2016 Me too,Brat.My beloved man Jan is everything I´m living for every second of my life. If I hadn´t such unshakeable belief in God,it would be unbearable with all of the greatest pain,grief and loneliness I´ve been feeling by now,but I do believe and that´s why this is not the end.It´s just a new beginning in a better place with our loved ones forever. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Yes, but waiting years to see them again is very hard. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 So true kayc. So very true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 I know what Brat#2 is saying. I think belief in God is very personal, and although I'm glad it is helping some, it doesn't work for my pain and loneliness. The problem with telling people if you just had God, you wouldn't feel so bad, is that it's another guilt thing making you feel like you don't measure up. I'm really happy for whoever can derive comfort from their belief system, but we should be careful about putting that on others who are are feeling bad enough already. I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that I've had the community Christian ladies come at me with if I just had Jesus I would feel better. Now they may believe that, but they don't know what my beliefs are and it's not very nice to add another burden to an already over-burdened person. Respectfully, Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Cookie, I understand. I consider myself to be strongly clinging to Jesus, yet when a friend told me to "STAY STRONG", I didn't have a clue what he meant. I have had several people say that. I believe they meant well but having never gone through the death/loss of their spouse they just don't comprehend what we are going through on this journey. I just smiled and shook it off. For those who push, I tell them, "I am weak, whatever strength you perceive comes from Christ". Just because we are Christians, it doesn't exempt us from the pain and sorrow of life. I have thought about warning couples of the inevitable death of their spouse someday, but realistically how can you warn someone of something than they have no concept or reference?. I expected my wife would die before me, given the multiple complications of her advancing diabetic illness ( 2-5 years expectancy on dialysis). I tried a few times to imagine her death before and my heart would bust in tears. I couldn't face it then... I can hardly face it now. After my wife died, I had a few church ladies try to volunteer me for work projects just to keep me busy. And someone thought I should take on a temporary renter (a missionary) since my wife had passed. I respectfully declined and have minimized my exposure to those situations. I believe they mean well. It's their form of therapy but it doesn't work for me. I am searching for ways to increase my social presence with people. I have been pursing a new study that has caused me to become more interested in improving my physical endurance, physique, and to lose excess weight. One day at a time, I am striving forward and remembering the good times and memories of our wonderful life together. It's is a journey; not a sprint or even a marathon. I am learning to accept that now is my new reality. I still miss my beloved wife, Rose Anne. Shalom 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Very well said, Cookie. I agree 100%. All of us here are grieving. And in this particular forum, most of us have lost our soul mate. I may take heat for saying this but, I think the loss of a beloved spouse is the deepest hurt of all personal losses. It affects every facet of your life on EVERY level. And each of us are dealing with the loss in our own way. If faith in God, gives someone comfort that's a wonderful thing. For those who feel 100% sure there is an afterlife that will reunite all loved ones... hey that's fantastic. But everyone's grief and everyone's belief system varies. I mean, I do believe in God but I don't honestly know what lies ahead. I hope and pray there is an afterlife where Tammy and I will be together again but I don't know the reality of that. I can only live in the moment. And for now, nearly a year after Tammy's death I still am in deep pain. I miss my Tammy and for me faith alone and my belief in God has not eased that pain. That doesn't make me a non-believer. It's simply that losing your soul mate is a life altering, gut wrenching experience and for some, like me, faith alone is not the "cure". And like I've said, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. It's personal. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 I don't want you to feel my faith. I am terribly mixed up right now. I had typed the first sentence and the correction monitor on this tablet corrected with the word "incongruent." It means "out of keeping or place, out of harmony." I have no idea how it came up. Right now it is how I feel though. I admired Janka for professing her faith and I felt the need to say what I said. I felt good about being on the forum. I thought we were all looking for peace. I know now, I am on my own. Sorry. I cannot get more confused than I am right now. No help. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted February 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Marg: Do not be mixed up. I have discovered that in order to cope and survive this terrible trauma, my only option is to "do" and "be" as I am without regard to anyone or anything else. We are all at different points in our loss and need to respect that and understand that we are not all in the same place mentally, physically, emotionally or anything else. Please don't think you are on your own. You are not. We are here. It was 60 degrees here today and I sat out on our balcony for the first time in tears. I sat in M's chair looking out at the sky wondering why he was taken from me. He used to sit on one side and me on the other. It was delightful. Now it's just me and that's just not the same. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 Marg, I am so sorry you feel alone here. I think I can speak for everyone that that is not true. The great freedom here is we can all say what we feel. You can't have a group of people that will always agree on everything, but we can all listen and try to help when we can. We are all looking for peace. The great thing is there are so many people with so many ideas and feelings that even hearing one that you can relate to can help immensely. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 28, 2016 Report Share Posted February 28, 2016 @G: I am terribly confused. I am not young like all of you. I know we are not promised tomorrow, and if anyone can find one remnant of peace, I wish them well. One size does not fit all is the truist thing I have seen. I don't have much time. I cannot live like this. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 Marg,. I am not young, either. 76. I am devastated by all this. We just have to do the best we can. I went to a restaurant where Al and I always went. I called ahead to pick it up. The owner asked how I was doing. I don't think I even answered him. Then our regular waitress came over and asked the same. I almost made it back to the car. I cried hard all the way home. It is so hard. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 I go back to the house in Arkansas this week and I prefer hiding at my daughter's house. I got out this week and met with old friends, naturally at a visitation before the funeral yesterday. They were older than Billy and me, I did not view the body, but signed the guestbook with both of our names. They know Billy is gone. He had worked with the deceased. I had known them and his wife had passed away three years ago. My friend, the sister, said the wife had passed as we all should, opened her car door and a heart attack. I am so tired of death. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 Marg, I honestly believe this forum is an amazing place for us. As members of this community, we can speak of our sadness and pain and know others understand what we are going through. As in any discussion group we all come from different backgrounds and upbringings and there may be times we have different points of view on things. But, I can tell you, without doubt, everyone here only wants to help. I wish I could help ease your pain. Mitch 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 29, 2016 Report Share Posted February 29, 2016 Me too Mitch. I honestly thought I had a break, only confusion. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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