Also sudden loss of husband

[brat#2]

I agree with you all, it seems that everything I do, either use to be with him or at least for him.  It's hard just being me.  I don't know who that is, not that I lost myself when I was with him, actually he made me better, but now that I'm not a "we" and just a "me" it is weird, but in my mind I will always be a "we".  It was just us basically for 33 years, we didn't have children together (he had 3 daughters from previous marriage) but weren't really close with them, most of our family is gone and the ones that are left live far away and we didn't have many friends because we didn't really need any, we had each other.  I'm being selfish too and miss him terribly.

Joyce

[Gin]

iheartm, I feel so useless.  The days go by and I feel like I am worth nothing to anyone.  I hate this feeling and this life.  I have some friends, but they really do not understand this horrible journey.  

[iheartm]

Gin: I feel the same way. There is no one that can know unless you are there. Lucky for us, everyone here either has been where we are now or is right with us. We need to use that to help us along. 

Brat: I so agree with you. Someone I know suggested that our identity is wrapped up in our partner and that it would be a good idea for me to seek out and do things that I would like to do but for whatever reason did not do when M was here. I could think of none. I am not going to knock on doors asking for friends or join a gym or book club to "go out and meet people" because for one thing that is not me. Another reason is because I am still so hurt and raw and sad that doing anything, any little thing, that feels like I'm leaving him behind or cutting him out is devastating to me. I was crying when I had to take him off my health insurance at work because I felt like I was cutting him out of my life.

[brat#2]

iheartm - I completely understand, I was never much for going out and meeting people ever.  It is so difficult with everything that you have to change to take his name off stuff really hurts and if does feel like we are cutting them out of our lives, but I know and you do to that in our hearts that will never happen.

Joyce

[scba]

I'm going through right the opposite. It seems as if my mind has forgotten me being "a girlfriend". When I became his girlfriend, I sort of forgot how it felt to be single. I look at our pictures to be assured I have been part of the universe of a couple. I don't understand cause in my heart I know it is me. I'm affraid that I'm losing him. Am I still part of a couple? 

[kayc]

corgigurl,

There were five girls and a boy in my family and my mom left everything to the boy (he was adopted, the youngest child).  Sometimes parents can be really unfair or unloving.  I'd say, sell his house and buy where you want to be when the time comes.

[iPraiseHim]

"That's how the cow ate the cabbage" was one of my brothers strange sayings.  He got the biggest kick out of saying that.  It's a fond memory of my brother who died in his sleep 7 years ago.  Shalom

 

[Margm]

There are probably a lot more southern sayings where that came from.  In the town where I was raised we never said "egg,"  it was always "aig."  Leg was laig.  My aunts were ants, and the town I was raised in was called Spranghill instead of Springhill.  Can't take the small town out of the girl.  My mom grew up on the banks of Bodcau "creek" and I never knew they were bayous until I was a teenager.  I'm going back home.

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, iheartm said:

Someone I know suggested that our identity is wrapped up in our partner and that it would be a good idea for me to seek out and do things that I would like to do but for whatever reason did not do when M was here. I could think of none. I am not going to knock on doors asking for friends or join a gym or book club to "go out and meet people" because for one thing that is not me. Another reason is because I am still so hurt and raw and sad that doing anything, any little thing, that feels like I'm leaving him behind or cutting him out is devastating to me. 

Don't you just love it when outsiders offer advice?  Why on earth would we do things we didn't do when we had our partners?  We always had that freedom.  It's not like we need permission now.  If one wasn't interested in gyms before, why would we be now?  I once tried to think of something I had been missing when Steve was alive.  There was nothing.  The things I am missing are because he is gone.  The things I do still are less fulfilling because I can't share them with him.  The things he did are a dark void because they are over.  I got that 'make friends' thing too.  I didn't know the answer was so simple.  How easy!  Why didn't I think of that?  I'll have to check out 'rent a friend' or find that book that takes the grief away.  Ugh.  This is why I avoid so many people these days.  So many experts out there.  Guess I am shooting myself in the foot by not taking advantage of thier wisdom.  It's a shame I can't hear them telling thier partners how they helped me.  

I don't feel (anymore) that I am cutting Steve out.  I know how you feel tho.  There came a time I saw that everything I do he is in my mind and heart.  I never leave him behind because he is a part of me and always will be.  You will find your own way that fits you.  Just steer clear of the experts who haven't walked a step in our shoes.  

[brat#2]

Gwen - so true, I don't see how doing things now that wouldn't have done when Dale was alive and with me, would make anything better!  I know these people think they are helping us, but until you have been here, you just don't understand that you just can't remove yourself from your "old" life and readily and immediately make a "new" life.

Joyce

[kayc]

iheartm, that is assuming there WAS something you didn't do when you were with him but wanted to do.  Many of us here DID what we wanted to do, and did it together!  I've heard that advice too and it's applicable to those it fits, to the rest of us, we must let it go.

 

[Anearia]

Hi Everyone. 

2 weeks ago today I lost my husband Lars. We would've been married 10 years in December. He’s never been a particularly well person, with back issues and heart issues a normal part of our daily life. Then on the 18th he was feeling really dodgey, serious abdominal pain and wheezy and sore. Lars is tough and I know when he's in real pain. The prat at the gen hospital told him it was gastro gave him a few pills and sent us away. It got worse during the night, so I had him off to his normal doc first thing on the Friday morn. He came out saying it was Pancreatitis, they’d done some tests and would wait for the results to decide a way forward, so we went home. 09h00 the next morning he was gone. We were still chatting away, I had just made us coffee and was in the bathroom, he was lying on the bed. When he didn't respond I turned around to see him really battling to breathe. In the 3 steps it took me to get to his side. He was gone. Vanished away like midnight snow. I couldn't resuscitate him, or even move him- big lad. Nearest ambulance takes 40mins to get to us ….

I never for a moment suspected that it was that bad. I now believe that he knew how ill he was and that he was signing off. Just little things that I now recognise as him packing up his life. We haven't had a great 2 years and things were often strained. Even on Friday night, I thought he was going to be ok. Things would have to change and he would have to become a vegan! He loved his meat. I was chatting to a pal with him in earshot saying what a mission cooking was going to be-jokingly.

I didn't hug him when I eventually went to bed. I didn't tell him I loved him and I didn't let him know that no matter what, I would be there to look after him. Only the previous weekend we had had a barney. I had told him I was not an old woman and refused to live like one. I dont want to get into that now. But now he’s gone.

He left here so willingly, so bravely and graciously. He  released me from a life of nursing him and watching him become a mere shadow of the man I fell in love with. He left me so solidly that I slept in our bed, with the bedding he had died on, the same night. I have slept more soundly than I have in years. I have no bad dreams and no night fears. I have no feeling of him ‘’being’’ here. I admit I have been stalking sites like these the last few nights looking for one that resonated somehow with me, and ended up here. One thing I noticed was that many people in grief experience this feeling that their loved one/pet/ friend is there looking over them, checking on them. Gosh-its what I experienced last year when I had to agree to help a beloved pet of mine onto greater things– Shinga was around for weeks. Looking out for us. One could feel him around. With Lars theres nothing. Not a shudder or a shadow. Its like he was desperate to get away from me and my nasty behaviour.

It’s a long story [Lars was an alcoholic for many years, only getting proper help last year, but sadly he was not coping well], in many ways I had hardened myself to the fact that I couldn't help someone who wouldnt help themselves. Now im here and hes gone and I wish I could ve done more to help him. To love him more. His family didn't even come to his farewell/ I stuck with him through some hellish times and I know I shouldn't feel so guilty, but I do. What can I do please can someone give me some advice here. Please.  Of course my family and friends have been amazing and know the journey Lars and I have had. But all their reassurances dont make any difference. If Lars did make a conscious decision to let go for my sake and hopefully for his aswell, I have no right to belittle that brave choice with feelings of guilt.

Im rambling now. Best I sign off. Any advice here would be much appreciated. My thanks and thoughts are with those in this rickety boat we find ourselves in.

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your husband and so quickly.  It's common to feel guilt after their death, I'll ask Marty to post you some links that might help you.

I'm sorry his own family didn't come pay their respects, my husband only had three out of a huge family, but the community and his friends, coworkers came.

I hope you'll take the time to read some of the threads here, it'll help you know you're not alone.  This is a good safe place to be, like an extended family, we've all been through it together and we'll be there for you if you want us to.

 

[Anearia]

2 hours ago, Anearia said:

Thank you KayC. just knowing there's someone out there hearing me whine helps! somebody told me [a family memeber of his that I have never met and he hadnt heard from in 30 years] I was suffering complicated grief. very helpful....

 

 

 

[MartyT]

My dear Anearia, I am so sorry for your loss, and for the circumstances surrounding your husband's sudden, unexpected death. You say someone in the family told you that you are "suffering complicated grief" ~ but in a sense, I believe that all grief is complicated, since without warning, a death like this can turn your entire world upside down in an instant. (See, for example, my article, What Is Complicated Grief?)

It sounds as if your husband was a human being with human faults, and you did your best to love him and care for him despite his faults and frailties. Still, if you are left with a load of guilt for what you think you did or failed to do in your marriage to this man, I invite you to read the following ~ and be sure to see the Related Articles and Resources listed at their bases:

Grief and The Burden of Guilt

Guilt and Regret in Grief

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty!

[Anearia]

Thanks Marty, definetly not suffering Complicated grief-I am not a big one for being labeled or told ''tgis is normal and you should expectto feel x, y, z...'' I have read the articles you suggested. Thank you they do make sense. I do feel that in my case my giult is a form of selfpity. 10 days before Lars died I was discussing with a friend that one more slip with the booze and I was going to chuck him out. Let me just add here that Lars at no time ever was a physical abuser in any way, he hasa long and chequered history of substance abuse, brought on by chronic untreated [for most of his life] clinical depression. He was the most generous person I have ever known. so i just feel that woth all the awful things I said about him and too him, I really do not deserve theincredible gift of release that he has given me and the rest of our family. Its almost as if he knew I couldnt cope anymore and he just wanted to get away from me and my horribleness-you see-self pity again.I did love him, i did care for him immensely-if I didnt I would never have put up with half of the nonsense he dished up.

Lars comes from a long paternal line of claivoyents. He dreamt deaths. in detail. right down to what people would be wearing. There is no way he could not have expected this. He knew-like I said in my status last night he spoke to and saw many people he hadnt had anything to do with in years...etc etc.

I hurt him badly. And he left. now I must carry on and make use of the gift he gave me. I know this is all still very fresh for me. 2 weeks is not a long time, and I know time is the healer etc etc. I did wrong by this gorgeous man. I can shout it to the world and apologise to him as much a s i like. He cant forgive me now.I tend to hang onto giult as if it were some kind of safety blanket, I can see that. I can justify my behaviour till the cows come home, and all who knew us will agree with me and tell me I did all I could.This is a stage and I ust get through this etc etc. Justufication does not change the fact that I should have been kinder and gentler. we'd have our barney's and then the disection of it the next day and he'd say ''What must I do, how must i change?'' and I would rattle off 10 million things that he needed to fix in himself or on the house! when I asked him the same of me, he would reply-without fail ''Nothing''.

I am rambling again. time to shut up.

Its a gorgeous day here in SA today and they have finally promised us rain. We need it really badly.

Beauty and Strength where ever you are on our Planet today. James Bay - 'Hold Back The River' Live @ 3FM Serious Request.mp4James Bay - 'Hold Back The River' Live @ 3FM Serious Request.mp4

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James_Bay_-_'Hold_Back_The_River'_Live_@_3FM_Serious_Request.mp4

[MartyT]

Dear one, there are many here among us who come from a family plagued by alcoholism (including me), and we know what it is like to live with this horrible affliction. No matter how much more kindness and gentleness you could have given to your husband, it would have done nothing to cure his addiction to alcohol. The fact that you are feeling guilty now just tells me what a good person you are. (I firmly believe that only the good people feel guilty. Have you ever known an evil person to feel guilty for what they've done or failed to do?) My prayer for you is that eventually, when you feel as if you've punished yourself enough, you will find a way to forgive yourself for whatever is still troubling you.

If you haven't done so already, I hope you will do some reading about alcoholism and co-dependency (see the Addiction page on our Grief Healing website for links to articles and resources) ~ or consider looking to Al-Anon ~ to obtain the information, understanding and support you need and deserve. 

You might also take a look at some of the resources listed on this page: Death That Brings Relief

[kayc]

According to marriagebuilders.com there isn't anything you can do to save a marriage plagued with alcohol and drugs unless and until the affected person seeks help.  That doesn't mean it's destined for divorce, but it can't be all it could be in its current state.  I grew up in a home with a mentally ill mother and an alcoholic father, and know how it affects those in the family.  

I'd have to say you deserve a pat on the back, not guilt, for holding it together in spite of the issues.  Maybe you didn't always respond perfectly...who of us would?!  Right now you have enough to deal with in losing your husband, whom you love, without beating yourself up for whatever mistakes you perceive you made.  You both made them, we all have, to some degree or another, humans just aren't perfect.

I hope you'll give yourself the same grace and understanding that you would give to a best friend in this situation.  We are, after all, hopefully, our own best friend.

[Anearia]

wholly mollie folks..thank you for all this kindness. tenderness is something I have forgotten and it blows me away.

Lars did get help. He went into rehab  this time last year and then volunteered to go into the advanced programme for an extra month. It was hell on both of us. it sadly did us both more damage than anything else [although a very smart and respected clinic-they managed to botch every aspect from check in to messages and then some other wayyy more serious stuff]. Lars managed to stay dry for a few months after, then started sneaking off. You guys who've been down this road know the drill. It's true what you both said, I did do everything I could. His own family deserted him when he was looking after his diabetic mum, who died in his arms. Its all so very tragic, it could be on the telly! none of them would give Lars the time of day. Now theyre all popping out of the woodwork giving me advice!!!!! my amazing family and I were the only ones he had and could rely on. No matter how much we hated him some days, we never threw him out. Never. I often wished him away, for my own sake and his. I just feel that all that karma mustve filtered through to him. I shouldve been able to see the signs, I knew him so well. At his farewell party [we dont do funerals, but celebrations of life], everyone spoke of him with so much love and awe. How much he loved me and respected me and what I do. He never said a bad word about me-ever. And all i could do was wish him away. when he left, he left so utterly and completely. it was as if he's never been here. Im mixing my tenses.... its so unreal. for all the pain he caused, he did so much good for so many.

Marty, I know more about addiction than I ever wanted to. I have watched how booze can destroy everything.....I ended up seeing a shrink-something I utterly dont believe in, the friendly lady told me I was different, that I didnt fit the normal ''profiles''-yet here I am again, looking for heip.. Im a stupidly strong person and my biggest personal diasters revolve around my unaccpetance that I am not coping. I dont know how NOT to cope, and when I dont I am at sea. I have seen it eat the man I love. It has destroyed freindships and broken hearts. its killed my husband. I should never have let him out of my sight. I knew he was  drinking again. I shouldve taken better care of him..

I am  so glad I found this site. your help is invaluable. Family and freinds are dear, but sometimes they are just to close to the situation. Thank You

[kayc]

Everything you've said is true, I think you have a good grasp of the situation.  What I pick up is that even though he was a drinker and problematic when he did, he also had a kind heart.  He made you love him, in spite of it all.  I suppose you neither regret nor relish some of your days together, alas, that is the way it is sometimes.  I'm sorry the facility didn't do right by him, it's too bad.  Addictions wreak havoc on families and relationships, but it's a sickness, not necessarily indicative of one's worth.  I believe it to be in the genes and it's up to the individual to help or hurt it.

At last he has laid his addiction to rest and you also can lay it to rest and remember the good that made you love him for who he was.

[Anearia]

Thank you KayC. All true. In Lars' case he had both the genetic predilection as well as what is refered to as the cultural gene... It is most prevalant in Scandanavian races- Lars came from Swedish stock.... who knew...poor guy was sunk before he even got started. [sadly both his folks were depressives as well].

I have different beliefs about death than most, and was lucky enough to grow up in a family with the same ideas. Lars has learnt what he needed to here. He has travelled on to a higher state of conciosness and can move on to the next stage of his journey with a lighter sense of being and reality.

I have a week of heavy decisions and choices ahead. everyone here has been so kind and I feel much more secure going into this week  having spoken with you. Thank You.

May he be gaurded by Tigers and guided by Angels

[Anearia]

Lars is the eternal good guy. He always helped everyone-but himself. He was always helping the old folks in the village, those who couldnt help themselves. Thats how everyone knew him. To get him to do anything at home was impossible! dearest man.

[MartyT]

Bless your (obviously) very sweet heart, dear Anearia. You are a very special lady, and I'm so pleased that you've found your way to us.  ♥

[kayc]

My MIL was Swedish...also alcoholic.  She was also my best friend and the sweetest mom one could ever have...when she wasn't drinking.  She quit totally the last few years of her life.