iheartm Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 Today makes 3 months since M left. It was a Sunday at about 2:50 in the afternoon. I spent a good part of the day cleaning up and doing errands to keep me busy but kept welling up no matter where I was. We loved to watch sports together, especially golf and I haven't been able to put it on. Tonight his beloved Yankees play a preseason game against Philly (recorded earlier but televised tonight) and I am going to put it on and hope that somehow he knows that they are on. I'm just so terribly sad. I keep looking at his picture and how beautiful he was and thinking how unfair this is. I so badly want him to know how lost I am without him. I want him to know that I've been crying every day since he left and how my life is so broken without him. I want him to know that so much. I want him to know that when I went to Walgreens today, I parked my car in the regular parking spot so that if he walked by the lot, he'd know I was in there. I was crying walking back to the car wishing more than anything that I'd see the baseball cap and his walk coming down the street. That I will never see that again is just too much to bear. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 Iheartm: So sorry for your pain. I can completely relate to it. Even at 8 months, I am terribly sad a lot and yearn for my husband. The only comfort I can give is to let you know I understand the unbearableness of this and send you a big hug....Cookie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 iheartm, I'm sorry you are so sad today. It's been almost 8 months for me since Dale left and I still expect to see him walk through our door. I understand you wanting him to know how much you miss him and need him and love him, as I'm sure we all do. I talk to Dale all the time telling him exactly that and I believe he can hear me, I have to or I would go crazy. Hopefully soon you will be able to look at his picture and feel the love you had for each other, it took me some time before I could look at his picture and feel that, so it will come. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 We all want the same thing...to have them back. I went to Aldi's today and felt so bad because we always went together. Nothing seems good anymore. Al has been gone for 5 months and I am waiting for it to get a little better. My kids from a previous marriage have no idea how sad and lonely I am. I tell them, but it just does not register. Al was so good to them and their kids for the last 16 years. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 17 hours ago, iheartm said: I want him to know that when I went to Walgreens today, I parked my car in the regular parking spot so that if he walked by the lot, he'd know I was in there. I was crying walking back to the car wishing more than anything that I'd see the baseball cap and his walk coming down the street. That I will never see that again is just too much to bear. @iheartm, this almost made me start sobbing. I think the same, because I'd sometimes run into my sister on the bus or train. Sometimes several days in a row, or we'd run into each other in Target (our favorite store) and always get a laugh that we happened to be thinking alike and were shopping at the same time. I will forever miss that. I will forever miss that there is no one else on the planet that thinks the same and was pretty much my other half. I remember once we both started singing the Scooby Doo theme song at the same time moment. We had heard it earlier so it was stuck in our heads, but to sing it right at the same time, that's crazy. I miss having those things. We had a lot of fun together. Always. I feel so alone. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 We had our retirement arranged 18 years ago. We would get the same amount whoever left first. It took about six weeks to get his retirement check deposited. I was not hurting for money. I needed a new purse. I hate buying purses and usually get them at the thrift store for $1 or less. One lasted me years. My daughter had bought me the last one and it was frayed so bad. I went to J.C. Penney's and I spent $70 on a new purse. I felt so frivolous using money that was his that I cried in front of the shop girl that I paid for it. I often wonder what he would have done. I know he would not hide in an apartment anywhere. He was a "mountain man" from the get-go, living in flatland's in Louisiana all our life. I hope, I really hope and I want to believe there is a heaven where he can climb the shiny mountains and fish all the creeks, bayous, streams, rivers. But, like the dragonfly in the children's story, he cannot come tell me. I could be a mountain man too when I was with him. Alas, without him I am a flatlander. My friend who married three days before us and her husband, Billy's childhood friend, well her husband passed away about 2001. She has been remarried 11-12 years. She told me now I could "find myself." All I want to do is "hide myself." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 @ Marg, I don't get why people say you can now "find yourself" as if now that you are alone your life is just waiting to blossom and bloom into something new and grand. The only thing I'm learning about myself is just how lonely I can be and just how much more enjoyable my life was with my sister in it with me. Her being gone does make me want to go "explore and live life" so I don't get why people say that. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 25 minutes ago, hollowheart said: The only thing I'm learning about myself is just how lonely I can be and just how much more enjoyable my life was with my sister in it with me. Her being gone does make me want to go "explore and live life" so I don't get why people say that. That's wher I am now too. Life was full when we were together (talking sans illness). Perhaps it will change one day, but I don't feel at all like exploring anything. Getting thru each day is a triumph enough. I do envy those that are out there doing more, but we all take this at our pace. Plus I have had 'adventures' with medical issues for the last 2 months. Totally wore me out and not a but of fun involved. I also had nothing I was waiting or missing to do. Now I am trying to fill the extra hours as the days are so long now on my own. You'd think that would be motivating, but it's not for me....yet. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 ...the misery is not useless...it shows the human character and his values...and changes many of us to the better people...the love without a misery wouldn´t be the true love... Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 6 hours ago, Marg M said: She told me now I could "find myself." I have no trouble finding myself. It's my wife I'm looking for! I think people who say that secretly think that about themselves. Or they think somehow taht is going to make you feel better!. Phooey. Shalom 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 12 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said: I have no trouble finding myself. It's my wife I'm looking for! I think people who say that secretly think that about themselves. Or they think somehow taht is going to make you feel better!. Phooey. Shalom Shalom,George! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceili Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 iheartm - I am so sorry for the depth of your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Margaret, it's funny you mention purses...George bought me my favorite Coach classic purse in different colors. He always felt nothing was too good for me and wanted me to have everything. I'm at the point I may have to sell them, I need $ badly, too many unexpected expenses since I retired! I will hang on to a couple of them and they will be the last thing to go and not until I'm forced... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 2 minutes ago, kayc said: Margaret, it's funny you mention purses...George bought me my favorite Coach classic purse in different colors. He always felt nothing was too good for me and wanted me to have everything. I'm at the point I may have to sell them, I need $ badly, too many unexpected expenses since I retired! I will hang on to a couple of them and they will be the last thing to go and not until I'm forced... My dear Kay, it´s so hard living all alone.Isn´t it?I know it. Send you little heart to make you smile. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I so relate too of not wanting to venture out of my bubble. I didn't want for much when we were together, we did a lot of things together, went places together, enjoyed the same activities, now I have no desire to find "something" new to do or to go to, just want to stay at home in my own little world. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iheartm Posted March 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 29 minutes ago, brat#2 said: I so relate too of not wanting to venture out of my bubble. I didn't want for much when we were together, we did a lot of things together, went places together, enjoyed the same activities, now I have no desire to find "something" new to do or to go to, just want to stay at home in my own little world. Same here. A few people have told me that since I'm young (50), I need to go on. I don't see where age makes any difference in the loss of a spouse. I was with M for half of my life... If you were "only" married for 5 years, is your loss any less than a person that was married for 15 years? 20 years? Of course not. What else is there to do except go on? Of course we go on. If we didn't, we'd all kill ourselves. It's kind of like when a child goes through the divorce of their parents or they experience the death of a parent and people call kids "resilient" and marvel that they adjust, but what else is there to do but adjust? What are the choices we are given? We are forced to adjust to a life altering, devastating situation that was not of our choosing, nor the choosing of our spouse. That's the bottom line. No one wanted this and there are no backsies. Our spouse is at peace but we are in anything but a state of peace. From one minute to the next, the emotional scale can go haywire. You curse yourself for smiling at something. How dare you smile at anything under the circumstances. We are in a perpetual state of grief. The loss is so huge that we can't see or feel anything except that and won't for a while. For others on the periphery of our lives, the death was an event for which they stopped, paid their respects and continued on. Some of those people may think that we should be doing the same thing because they just cannot understand. I got a medical bill in the mail marked past due again. First I've seen it. I looked it up online and it was paid nearly two months ago. The act of looking it up online was such an enormously difficult thing to do. I felt so lazy but it's not laziness. The smallest effort of any kind is just so incredibly taxing for me right now. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 2 hours ago, brat#2 said: I so relate too of not wanting to venture out of my bubble. I didn't want for much when we were together, we did a lot of things together, went places together, enjoyed the same activities, now I have no desire to find "something" new to do or to go to, just want to stay at home in my own little world. This has been coming up a lot around me with people. Don't I have hobbies? Isn't there something you always wanted to do? Don't isolate yourself whatever you do! I listen amazed and then start this stupid pressuring myself and feeling like I am doing something wrong. My 'conditioning' was what we did together and apart but shared with each other. I can't create a hobby or interest I never had. Plus, I was happy with the status quo. I do like to get out, but much of it was errands for us. Now there is no us. So I do my volunteering, maybe take a dog in for shots, a play date for them now and then. I live the 'schedule' I lived with Steve for decades to try and slowly find a way to tweak here and there to try and ease the pain. Yes, I spend a lot of time alone at home. But only because he is gone. Not because I've decided to become a hermit. That choice was forced on me and I have to take time to figure out who the heck I am now, because the me that was left the building with him. It's truly becomevMY little world and THAT is what is the problem. I'm not spending any more time at home than I did before. I'm just having to live it alone. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 2 hours ago, iheartm said: I got a medical bill in the mail marked past due again. First I've seen it. I looked it up online and it was paid nearly two months ago. The act of looking it up online was such an enormously difficult thing to do. I felt so lazy but it's not laziness. The smallest effort of any kind is just so incredibly taxing for me right now. I get overwhelmed just having to fill th dogs water bowl. I have plans tomorrow to tackle phone calls like yours and just hope I can do it. That was always my job as financial 'manager', but it takes soooo much energy now. I miss when I was mentally on the ball, strapped on my headset and tackled this stuff without blinking an eye and felt I had put out another fire. It helped that he was here to pat me on the back and say....I'm glad it wasn't me that had to deal with you! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 iheartm - you are right it doesn't matter the amount of time you were with your spouse, it's the love that you miss. Others who haven't had to go through this, completely do not understand that you can't just put a smile on your face and right out and make a new life for yourself, that you didn't want to make anyway. Gwen - I'm the same, I'm not spending any more time at home than I did before, but not I'm just alone and other people think that is so wrong. They don't understand how difficult it is, like you said, just to normal every day tasks and they expect you to start a new life in an instant? I've been trying to do some "spring" cleaning (that hasn't been done in a long time) and I do a little and absolutely exhausted and quit and then there is the fact that no one but me will know it's been done, so I think why do it? Joyce Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Joyce, doing the cleaning thing myself. Finding it isn't rewarding and really not as messy since he has been gone. The triggers never end! Also have to start thinking about hiring people for yard stuff. It is so different when you make the effort and can't share it with them. I enjoy the clean but......... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 I remortgaged my house to pay off George's hospital, doctor, and ambulance bills. I found out years later that I wouldn't have been responsible for them. Of course they didn't tell me that when they were hounding me. Check with the laws in your state before paying them... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 How horrible that people must pay ambulance bills in an emergency. How sick is our world? I find it disgusting! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Here, if you're a resident of Pinetop-Lakeside, the local ambulance service is free. However the only time we used an ambulance was several years ago when Deedo collapsed in a Walmart restroom while having a tachycardia episode. The hospital is literally right across the street. Walmart is in Show Low so they called a Show Low ambulance. Bill for transporting Deedo across the street? $5,000. The local emergency room is horrible so I have found I get better care, faster if I make the four hour drive to Phoenix rather than the fifteen minute drive to our local hospital. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 It costs several thousand dollars where I live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corgigurl Posted March 9, 2016 Report Share Posted March 9, 2016 Gwenivere, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have important phone calls to make and things to get out in the mail. I even have stuff I really need to return to the store. I, too have always handled all of our finances since the very beginning. I'm lucky if I get out of bed. Mike died in November and I still haven't gotten the social security done. I need to mail stuff back in and the it can be a couple of months after that before I see anything. I hate being awake Eva 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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