2 hard days in a row.

[mittam99]

Polly, my heart goes out to you and your daughter.

Those milestone dates (like 6 months) are difficult.  And it's sadly another day without the love of your life in it.  Another reminder of why you hurt everyday (not that you need reminding). It's all going to take time to find your place and find your way in this new existence. Keep posting and venting here and we will help and comfort you the best we can. 

 

[KarenK]

Polly,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter's young friend. It is especially hard when a young person dies.

Will be thinking of you as you survive this unwanted anniversary. Thursday for me will be 3 years since Ron left. I am still treading water.

[kayc]

Polly,

I am so sorry, that is really tough.  You're in my thoughts, as well as your daughter.

[Polly]

It's only 11:30am and I'm ready to call it a day already. I have been crying since last night. Didn't get much sleep. Today is 6 months. It just hurts so bad. I'm so glad I took a personal day from work today. I feel like I can't function. So many thoughts going through my head. Trying to stay positive and strong but feel like I'm failing at that at the moment. I somehow need to pull it together before this evening. Three of my girlfriends and I are going to a concert tonight. When I bought these tickets I didn't realize what day this was on. I do know that Richard would be happy about me going. One of the last things that he said to me was, " Are you and Lisa going to a concert?" So this one is for him. We are meeting a little before the concert to have a drink. None of us are big drinkers but we are going to have one in honor of him.

[brat#2]

Polly - I know how hard the 6 month mark is, I'm going to be at the 10 month mark in a couple of days and it's still hard.  I know going to that concern tonight is going to be hard, but it sounds like Richard wanted you to go, so I hope that you will be able to enjoy it a little bit.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Polly,

I hope you have a good time with your friends tonight, and I'm sorry It's been all tears lately.

[Polly]

thanks Joyce and Kay. I actually had a really good time last night. One of my friends ending up not being able to go. So it was just my best friend and my friend that lives 2 hours away. My friend that lives 2 hours from me gets it. She lost her boyfriend 2 years ago. So we actually talked a lot about how things were going. It was actually good for us. I didn't have to put on my fake happy face. I could actually say what I was feeling.

[brat#2]

Polly - I'm so glad that you were able to have a good time last night and was able to talk with someone and be yourself, that always helps.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I know I have to give in, I have no choice short of dying myself, to attend our graduation class women's get-together.  I think it is significant to all of us that we meet around noon in our home town.  That shows I am not the only one who hates to drive at night.  I know I have to do it.  I also know I am moving from this quiet place where no one bothers you, no crime area, but it is just empty space to me.  Then I get anxiety that I have already made the move to an apartment around lots of people.  Sometimes I think "what am I doing?"  Billy would never do this.  He was such a private person and I became one also.  I think the anxiety has died down though.  Surely they will allow me to read at night and watch TV.  I know in this house I live in now I could read 24 hours a day and no one would bother me, but the house might fall down around me from lack of care.  I think I am doing right.  Right for me, not for Billy, but Billy is not here anymore, is he?

[KATPILOT]

We do find ourselves doing things or spouses would not have done because we were a couple. Sometimes we would do stuff we dreaded for the sake of the other who wanted so to do, but mostly it was a team event right? Both parties did what they both enjoyed. Now I think given enough time, we begin to do what only we would do because as you say Marge, "Billy is not here anymore, is he?".  I discovered a while back that I was no longer Steve and Kathy. I was just Steve. Part of what got me understanding that was how I was doing much more than I had since she died and they were not always things we did as a couple but things only I wanted to do. It doesn't discount the love you have to begin to live your life your way.  Perhaps that decision to attend is you planning your own agenda. Even if you don't feel all that excited to go, it is still you making the decision. I hope you enjoy the get-together. It's a step on this journey.

[kayc]

Polly,

I'm glad it went well for you.  It's so good to have a friend that gets it and understands, so important!

[Polly]

This past Monday I decided to try to fix the front storm door. A few years ago we had some strong wind and it wouldn't stay shut. Richard tried to fix it but as unsuccessful. I thought about just trying to replace it but that is not so simple. We.....or I have a modular home. You just can't go to Lowes or Home Depot to get a new one. So I started to look around in Rich's things. Found a brand new door handle and chain. Found the broken closer part but no new one. Started with trying to replace the handle. Had to search for his drill bits to make it work. Managed to do it and got the chain on too. Had to buy a new closer and also bought a screen kit. Making the screen was not easy. had to find his hacksaw to cut the pieces. I was so proud that I got it all done. Tonight when I got home from work I decided I needed to start fixing the landscaping in the front of the house. I weeded it and put 5 bags of mulch down. Need to get more mulch to finish it. These were all the things that Rich always took care of. He loved taking care of that stuff. It sucks having to do all of this. Especially because all I think about while doing it is that this was his stuff to do. now I have to do it. Every time I have to take care of something that he used to do it makes me cry.

Also tonight, Rich's son Kyle stopped over. I asked him if he wanted his dad's deer head. It was the big buck that he got many years ago. I felt that Kyle should have it. They hunted together every year. I think it made him really happy to take it home with him. I know Rich would want Kyle to have it.

[mittam99]

Wow. I'm impressed with your mechanical ability Polly. I know it was out of necessity, but still, it's wonderful that you can do all that. I imagine Rich is giving you two thumbs up from heaven.

[Margm]

Polly, I impress myself putting two screws in the license plate.  I am so proud of you.  

I picked up more than I was supposed to and sides hurt.  I told Scott I would not leave until he could lift the boxes in the back of the truck.  He said, "Mama, you should have already asked me to pick up those boxes" and then he said "that's my job."  Those were Billy's words.  "That's my job."  

So see, I am pulled every which way, but I am blessed too, I always have someone who is there for me, so how can I get discombobulated?  

[mittam99]

10 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I always have someone who is there for me, so how can I get discombobulated?  

That's an easy one there Marg. It's pretty normal to feel discombobulated when you're grieving the loss of the man that you shared your love and nearly your whole life with. I'd be more shocked if you weren't discombobulated!

[kayc]

Polly,

I am impressed too, I wouldn't know where to start.  Ever heard the saying "can't see the forest for the trees"?  That's me when it comes to anything mechanical.  I look at it and it just looks all blurry and foggy...

It was very sweet of you to give the deer head to his son, I think you made the right call.

[Jgillen]

I am new to this group and just read your post.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds very similar to how I lost my husband..going to doctors, misdiagnosed.  And then explaining this to my children.  Its so hard.  It has only been one month for me, but I anticipate birthdays, holidays are going to be hard for me as well.  I am so proud to see you doing nice things for yourself and doing projects by yourself.  You are an inspiration to us.  we can do this!  Thank you. 

[Polly]

8 hours ago, Jgillen said:

I am new to this group and just read your post.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds very similar to how I lost my husband..going to doctors, misdiagnosed.  And then explaining this to my children.  Its so hard.  It has only been one month for me, but I anticipate birthdays, holidays are going to be hard for me as well.  I am so proud to see you doing nice things for yourself and doing projects by yourself.  You are an inspiration to us.  we can do this!  Thank you. 

Hi Jgillen. Yes, holidays and birthdays are hard. Thanks. I'm trying. I just hate asking for help. So I usually just try to figure things out for myself. I'm usually pretty good at it. Thankfully my step son comes over every week and cuts the grass for me. I have no clue how to use that big mower. LOL! A few months ago I had told him that I didn't have a clue how to use it. He didn't hesitate. He told me that he would take care of the mowing.

[kayc]

That is so nice, Polly, but it's because of your being a good stepmom that he wants to do it.

[Polly]

It's been awhile since I've posted. Yesterday was 7 months that Rich has been gone. Really having a hard time. I feel like I can't get anything done. I sit down and just can't seem to make myself get up and do the things that I need to do. Then I get mad at myself for not getting things done. I have so much going through my mind all the time. I just miss being able to talk to Rich about everything. I do have to say that I'm very thankful for my 16 year old daughter. She has been helping so much around the house without me even asking her to. 7 months ago it was a struggle to even to get her to clean her own bedroom.

So my question is.....is it just me or do you all have trouble getting normal stuff done? Some days I can get myself going but most of the time I can't.

[Margm]

I have got to get off this computer completely.  Why?  So I can do everything I am procrastinating doing.  But "normal stuff?"  We no longer have anything normal.  Your daughter helping is from the heart that you gave her.  She see's mom is not in a "normal" situation and she is helping and that is to your credit for raising such a great young woman.  I have a `16 year old granddaughter that makes me want to live each day and makes me want to hurry and get out of this house so I can help her live each day.  She has lived with me and Billy all her life.  She misses him.  We are lucky to have these wonderful teenagers to help us live our very "not normal" life.  Hugs to you both.

[brat#2]

Polly, I don't want to sound discouraging, but in 4 days it will be 11 months that Dale has been gone and I still have trouble making myself to the "normal" stuff.  Yes, I pay the bills, go to the grocery, half-heartedly clean the house (but not even close to the way I did every week) but other than that any of the other stuff I would do when he was here have just been there to do and don't really care right now if they ever get done.  I feel getting out of bed every day and taking care of yourself the best way you can, it all we can expect and is good enough.  Besides, what is "normal" now anyway?  Hugs

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have a `16 year old granddaughter that makes me want to live each day and makes me want to hurry and get out of this house so I can help her live each day.

You are so very lucky in that way, Marg. That's a wonderful thing. I can only dream of having someone in my life these days that loves me and gives me a good reason to actually get out of bed. It's sort of me, myself and I fighting this dreadful feeling of emptiness I deal with everyday. I rarely even have anyone call me on the phone unless telemarkers count. Tammy was my only real, true friend in the whole world. The only one that really cared if I was alive. The only one who made me feel loved unconditionally and she was all that mattered to me. 

Those of you who have people in your grief journey who love you and support you and help you are incredibly blessed. It has to make this difficult life just a bit more tolerable.

 

[BillT]

10 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

You are so very lucky in that way, Marg. That's a wonderful thing. I can only dream of having someone in my life these days that loves me and gives me a good reason to actually get out of bed. It's sort of me, myself and I fighting this dreadful feeling of emptiness I deal with everyday. I rarely even have anyone call me on the phone unless telemarkers count. Tammy was my only real, true friend in the whole world. The only one that really cared if I was alive. The only one who made me feel loved unconditionally and she was all that mattered to me. 

Those of you who have people in your grief journey who love you and support you and help you are incredibly blessed. It has to make this difficult life just a bit more tolerable.

 

Ditto above.  Just change the name to Mary Kay.

Few grief bursts so far today.  Just a deep and abiding sadness.

Prayers to all.

Bill

 

[Margm]

She actually was Billy's heart.  She was born on my daughter's birthday.  She was a nurse in the OB floor at the state hospital.  She could not have children and after going through the year long court things she was ours.  Her dad was from Thailand.  Her mom had been in the hospital from the jail (thank goodness) because she had been on all the drugs on the street and the dad sold them.  My daughter was afraid to bond with her because she was afraid they would take her back.  Billy was not afraid.  At that time we had a truck over camper and it was his plans if they did not let us keep her, he and she would head for Mexico.  No way was he going to give her up.  But, during court he was holding her and no judge in his right mind would have tried to take her away.  Kelli would call in the middle of the night and living in Arkansas, Billy would head out at 2:00 a.m. to get her.  Finally she just lived with us.  Don't remember when this was taken, but Bri was a lot younger.  But she loved her Dade and she is both of our hearts.