2 hard days in a row.

[kevin]

Polly, all the repairs for anything are on youtube or just google it.....Like George mentioned,extra time and patience is the recipe for everything...good going on the bathroom...kevin........you saved yourself at least $100

[Polly]

Kevin,

Thanks for the reminder that I can look things up on youtube. I always forget about that.

[Polly]

I was actually productive today. Well, I think I really over did it.  It actually got up to 80f today. I spent most of the day outside. Doing a lot of things that Rich always took care of. I loved being outside in the sun but hated doing his stuff. Earlier this evening I was still out there. I was trying to cut back the shrubs that should have been done before winter but that was when things started happening with Rich so it never got done. Anyway, Rich's brothers backyard meets with my backyard. (he lives on the main road and I live on the side street) His brother was outside and I know he saw me struggling with this. Do you think he would come give me a hand? Do you think he even said hello? Nope, it was like I didn't even exist. It made me so mad. I'm now in a lot of pain. I have psoriatic arthritis and my hands are in so much pain from those stupid shrubs.

[kayc]

Polly,

I am sorry your BIL saw you struggling and didn't offer to help.  I do know how that feels.  I hope your pain subsides.  I don't know your financial situation, but perhaps you could hire some things done, sometimes teenage boys don't charge too much and can work wonders.

[Margm]

One of the doctors I worked for was about 6'5", was not fat, but was very strong looking.  Me and another girl in the office were about 5 feet.  Together we could lift a lot, and I was brought up believing that gentlemen helped women if they were lifting too heavy a load.  This giant of a man would let the other girl and me left very heavy things.  He would stand around drinking his diet Coke.  But, women want equality.  I just had grown up thinking men should help women with things like this.  I sort of get miffed if while taking out my own groceries at our little town grocery store if they ask to help.  Okay Marg, you cannot have it both ways.  One good thing about being older though, you get offered lots of help.   I can still cross a street by myself.   And, I will forever hear the echo of Billy saying "That's my job."  

[kayc]

I don't think equality in pay for doing the same work is the same as a man standing by while a woman lifts something heavy.  When I broke my right elbow, not once did a man offer to help put my groceries in my cart or in my car.  I think it's sad that chivalry is practically dead.  Women are not built like men and there are some things we will struggle with because of it.

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't think equality in pay for doing the same work is the same as a man standing by while a woman lifts something heavy.  When I broke my right elbow, not once did a man offer to help put my groceries in my cart or in my car.  I think it's sad that chivalry is practically dead.  Women are not built like men and there are some things we will struggle with because of it.

Sheesh, what kind of people are you guys running into. A broken elbow and no help? I like the offer, even if I can do it myself. I remember being in this restaurant and this waiter helping me put my coat on and I was like "whaaa?" It felt strange, almost like too much help, lol. But it was nice that he was such a gentleman. Like when I get on the bus, or going in a door I will actually let men go first, I don't care, especially if they are already in front of me.

But I eye roll if they don't offer women to go ahead when they clearly see a bunch of them waiting to get on or go in somewhere. I just want the offer.

[Patty65]

It is out there, it is one of the reasons I moved to Hawaii from the East Coast 20 years ago.  You think of the whole "aloha" Hawaii-thing, but it is real.  Just yesterday, a man came into the shop, ordering the special of the day, and wanting to speak to "the owner".  I still hate the sound of that, all singular and alone.  It was another condolence call. I was desperate to save the business, I still thought I could save him and I wanted him to have a business to come back to, and I put out a crowdfunding campaign and now everybody knows our story  The community, the people who like our place, and so many more, donated $25,000 to save it and I'm still drowning.  But anyway when I go to talk to this man, he told me he's been following what happened, and that it hit home so hard because he and his wife run a catering business, the two of them, and they have a daughter who is the same age as my daughter, and he just started sobbing. He said it could have been them.  He said they are going to see a lawyer about planning.  And volunteered to help for free.  And handed me $200.  I was sobbing by then.  I told my therapist tonight I don't want to be the example.  I don't want it.  I can't tell you how many of those stranger condolence calls I have endured. But I'm so amazed by the Aloha here though.  

I know that was probably a little off topic. But I just needed to connect here, I realized last night after talking to my friend, she drank too much again, that she cannot be there because, my therapist says, she cannot hold my sorrow.  She cannot hold her own, that's why she drinks so much.  But she's my only friend, and I'm losing her.  

[KATPILOT]

Patty perhaps your not an example but just a story of people who care about other people. I know it's hard when you get that kind of attention because who wants it when it comes because you've lost the one you love. Compassion often is a double edged sword. We wouldn't feel this way if we didn't love that deeply.

For what it's worth, my wife and I were a team at work. I managed the production and she the financial end. Her loss came so quickly the medical bills were so high that I felt I was never going to recover especially while I was so devastated. I don't know how I made it but two years later, I had recovered and now five years later, I'm stable and solvent. Somehow I got through that and I like to think wherever she is, she was helping me learn to do things I never thought possible.

By the way, the picture I use is of my bride on Maui a year before she left. I was there last September for our anniversary, truly her favorite place on earth.

Don't worry about losing your friend.  I believe she and you will connect again. It just takes time.  I have said before that time is our friend. We cannot recognize that we are getting stronger day by day yet we are. We see it when we have years to look back to where we started. You can survive this. You will survive this.

Mahalo

 

 

[Margm]

Polly, I put on the new license plate, two screws, and felt I should have been awarded the Eagle Scout award.  My dad was certainly not lazy, but he worked for the railroad and could be in some other depot anywhere down the line at any given time.  Mama was as self sufficient as a man.  I don't even know how to start a lawnmower.  I will live in an apartment.  Don't want to be any more self efficient than turning a knob on a door or putting the key in the ignition.  Yet my friend, she does everything mechanical and her husband, Billy's nephew, is glad.  

[kayc]

Patty,

This isn't how you ever wanted attention called to yourself, but I'm glad there are compassionate people around all the same.  People do recognize it could have been them...still could be, and I'm glad they want to help.  What you are doing is honoring to your husband, yet I have a feeling if you let it go he would understand.  It's a big burden on you to attempt at this time but I think you're going to be successful at it.

Margaret, 

I didn't get the mechanical genes either.  Yet my son is a Mechanical Engineer, also computer and electrical engineer.  Go figure!  He must have got it from his dad's side.

[Margm]

Kay, my daughter has a degree associated with computers, but she is like the plumber who won't work on his own house.  She did set up my laptop, but my granddaughter has to help me with any computer related problems.  My son helps also, but he inherited my lack of patience with anything, poor thing.  Billy was so laid back and patient.  We always said he would never leave us with a heart attack.  He didn't.

[Polly]

I've always been good at trying to do things on my own. Even if I don't know how.  Thank goodness I do have my step son to help me if I need him. He is so much like his dad.  He makes sure I'm ok all the time. Yesterday he saw nicole and I trying to get a bunch of stuff down to the end of the driveway for the trash man.  He came right over and helped.  

[Clematis]

I work as a school counselor at a reservation school. Because the tribe is so small and intermingled, they like having counselors who are outsiders (white) because confidentiality seems more likely. I am and feel very much like an outsider, much as I love the community, children and staff. I am moved by the multiple traumas many of these children-and adults-have been through and I strive to do my best and give the most of myself and everything I have to offer to them all every day. Nevertheless, it is clear that I am an outsider, and that can be difficult. It makes my being alone in my personal life more so because of the professional isolation.

Every day I work at this school, I haul my cello on my back, carry at least two ukuleles, my lunch and snacks, and a heavy duty luggage cart full of art materials and other things that might be helpful, and struggle through the heavy doors into she school. The automatic (handicap) buttons seldom work) It is like an athletic event to get it all through the heavy doors without letting the doors hit (and possibly damage the cello on my back. They watch me struggle and do nothing- men, women, and lines of children going from here to there. Sometimes someone even just lets the door close in my face and walks away. Personally I feel that anyone who is more able should hold the door for anyone who is struggling, regardless of gender or age, but that is my own belief and II don't want to cause problems; I am an outsider, and so I just struggle with the doors.

My dad died three months ago and my beloved aunt followed him a month ago. I live alone with my cat, and my sisters across the country have been really icky to me during this. They were not attached to my dad, and I am the executor. They would like me to hurry it up without spending too much money so they can get as much as possible as soon as possible. I have been staggering under this load alone, and it is impossible for me to look like everything is ok, partly because I am a straightforward, honest, open and direct person. It's just who I am. Sometimes it's not good, but generally people appreciate that they can see me for who I am and trust me.

So, here I am at work, with the dogmas of mental health workers and workers in general hanging over my head. "You're not supposed to bring your problems to work-leave them at home" and " don't talk to clients about your personal issues". But I am me. I told lots of the staff about my dad and then my aunt. I talked to the students with whom I work about it, and used it to encourage them to talk about their losses. It has been remarkable how much the children I work with have opened up, and also the adults who have talked to me about their own losses and what they had been through. And then...gradually I've found that people have started running over to open the door for me!

[Patty65]

I have not been able to read your words to me, just here gaining strength as I head off to a local radio station that I got a discount on advertising with -- they want MY voice "everybody knows me". Oh this will be so hard -- how do I sound upbeat and "advertise-y", when so many know my story, it's just weird and yucky and I've got to find some kind of balance in it and today's a bad day.  Hoping for strength, and someway through, but I know your posts are waiting for me when I return.

((((much love)))) thank you for being here.  Can't tell you how much this place means to me.

Patty

[mittam99]

Patty,  just walk up to that mic with your man as your inspiration; encouraging you, giving you strength, guiding you. Your voice will sound fine.

Hugs.

 

[kayc]

Aloneandlost,

Thank you for sharing with us.  I know your load has been heavy (in more ways than one) and I admire your for trying.  My husband was Native American, although he didn't live on a reservation, and I admire the culture and so appreciate your expending so much effort there.

I agree, anyone more able bodied should help someone that needs help regardless of gender, race, etc.  Normally men are stronger than women and I, for one, appreciate a man opening a door for me.  In the two months my broken arm was healing, only two people ever offered help when I was struggling with groceries...both of them women.  I think some men are afraid to help nowadays for fear of getting smacked!    That's too bad, I'm of the age I remember how it "used to be".  

Regarding your sisters...take your time, if it takes you a year to go through it, so be it, that's not uncommon.  It is a LOT of work, on top of working full time!  Hopefully you can make good headway this summer when school's out.  If any of them complain, I'd take that as volunteering to help you out!  

[kayc]

Patty,

I'm rooting for you and I think you'll find your voice just right.  Let us know how it goes!

[MartyT]

We're ALL pulling for you, Patty.  ♥

[Polly]

Hope it all went ok Patty. I'm sure you did fine.

[Clematis]

Kay, I really appreciate what you said about my sisters. It has been SO upsetting; they are not really struggling the loss of our dad as far as I can tell, and they have been really nasty to me. I am also realizing that during the ten years after I coaxed him out west and they were being much nicer to me, they were really using me to get me to help them financially. And now that his income source is gone they don't have much motivation to be nice to me. 

There is some money in a trust that is to be divided by the percentages he set out, but only after things are settled, and it's not really a lot. The bereavement counselor from hospice has pointed out that because he had Parkinson's, if I had pushed him into assisted living years ago when everyone in the world was telling me I should do so, everything he had would be gone. Everything would have been liquidated to pay for his expenses and there would be nothing to even talk about. The only reason anything is left is that I fought for him in his desire to live at home and take care of him at home. I wanted him at home too. The facilities are all at least a half hour from where I live and we would have seen a lot less of each other. For years he worried that I would push him out and into assisted living. I don't know how many times I told him he was crazy and reminded him, "I can get in my car at my house and be at your house in a minute and a half. That is exactly where I want you!' 

So, anyway, the grief counselor's conclusion is that all three of us should see anything that we get from him after his death as a bonus (and my sisters should stop complaining). Neither of them really works, but they sure aren't coming out here to help me. I guess they'll have to deal with it. I wish I could do a better job of letting it go. Every time I think about my sisters I feel hurt and angry... -Laura

[Patty65]

Ahh, I survived... when I got there, they decided to interview me for the whole hour. my rep (my young chef's auntie) saw the look of panic on my face and said I didn't have to.  But I told her my motto is "just do it" (and get it over with).  So I did, and I found my passion for the shop, and the DJ ate our food for the whole hour raving about it, cracking our lavosh and crostini into the radio mic... but I was determined to honor Ron, so at the end of the hour I said I wanted to thank the community for all their amazing support while Ron was so sick that month, and how passionate I am to build Maui Pasta as a legacy for him.  The hour ended, my staff all listening back at the shop texting me that I did great, and then I recorded my 30 second commercial, and promptly fell apart.  And was manic at the same time (???).  The dialogue in my head is not kind. I sit here and write how badly I don't want to be an example, then I go on the radio and become it again UGH. But my therapist (sorry I say that so much, she's about all I have and she is such a sage woman) says if that dialogue is not kind, it is coming from a place of fear rather than love, and I should try to comfort that voice rather than believe it.

Aloneandlost, I'm so glad that you were rewarded for being open and sharing.  I do the same, and I question it. Sometimes the help with the little things though is so powerful, and it does show the kindness that does exist in humanity and among us, like the man who walked into the shop and was so heartfelt and giving.

Mitch, I saw your post right before I walked out of my office, and that is exactly what I did.  You reminded me. How much I wanted to rush back here excited and tell Ron all about it.  

Katpilot, I have always admired your picture, especially with the flower in her hair.  I wore one similar at Ron's service.  I hope you felt her presence when you came back here, I'm right now having difficulty feeling Ron's presence.  Sometimes the more distraught I feel, the more distant I feel from him.  That's so great to hear that you were able to make it through with your business, and feel her as a part of your success.  I don't know yet if I can save ours, but looking ahead is way too overwhelming.  It's here today.  My "house" is waiting for me with all its memories and nevermores tonight, and that's as far as I can withstand.

Love and thanks,

Patty

[mittam99]

10 minutes ago, Patty65 said:

Mitch, I saw your post right before I walked out of my office, and that is exactly what I did.  You reminded me.

One word: 

Awesome.

You did Ron proud. I know it wasn't an easy thing to do.

 

[MartyT]

What Mitch said. 

[Clematis]

17 hours ago, Patty65 said:

I realized last night after talking to my friend, she drank too much again, that she cannot be there because, my therapist says, she cannot hold my sorrow.  She cannot hold her own, that's why she drinks so much.  But she's my only friend, and I'm losing her.  

Patty, I thought this was really interesting what you said here about your friend not being "able to hold your sorrow". I think I have been having the same problem with a few people in my life, one in particular. We have been friends for thirty years, but it's been off and on because she is very limited in what she can "hold" and she copes via alcohol...