2 hard days in a row.

[Polly]

Yesterday was my 50th birthday. It should have been a happy day being spoiled by my husband. I tried so hard to cheer myself up, it didn't work. I just felt sad all day. I had decided a few days before that I was going to go to the casino. Richard and I would go for special occasions. We enjoyed it. We never would spend very much money and only stayed an hour or two tops. So yesterday morning came and it was raining. I tried to talk myself out of going. I managed to go. I ended up crying on the way there. Almost turned around and came home but didn't. It just felt so lonely there. I ended up leaving with $200 more than I went with and usually that would make my day. Nope, wasn't  excited at all.

Today is the 5 month mark since he passed. In some ways it feels like that was yesterday and in other ways it seems so long ago. It's still so hard to believe that he is gone. Six months ago we were preparing for my oldest daughters wedding. Richard was fine. The day before her wedding Rich was saying his back was hurting. This wasn't anything unusual because we both have psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis. He went to his dr. and he gave him muscle relaxers. The next day, Oct. 9, 2015 he walked our daughter down the aisle. Two days later I got a call from my younger daughter saying Richard had fell and he couldn't get up. I was at work and rushed home. By that time he had gotten up but he was in so much pain. We took him to the ER. The dr. didn't check him for anything. Just said it was his sciatica and sent him home. A little over a week later he drove to work and when he went to get out he fell to the ground. His co-worker found him and called 911. He went by ambulance to a different hospital and same thing happened. They didn't check him for anything. Just told him it was his sciatica and sent him home. The following Sat. I came home from work and Rich just didn't sound like himself. I figured he was still taking the muscle relaxers and thought that was why. From that point everyday he just seemed more and more unlike himself. So much so that on Monday evening I asked him what meds he was taking. He told me none. My heart sank. I knew something was really wrong. By Tuesday night things were so bad that I hide his car keys so he wouldn't go to work the next day. I had already called and made an appointment with his dr for Wed. By Wed morning Rich was in bad shape. He didn't even know how to flush the toilet, he didn't know how to make his coffee. He put his shoes on but they were on the wrong feet and he didn't even know it. I called his dr and they told me to take him to the ER. They couldn't figure out what was causing this. I just wanted them to fix him. They ran all kind of tests and still I had no answers. Everyday he just kept getting worse. By Friday night they transferred him to a different hospital. By Sunday we were feeding him because he could not do that himself. The dr's never figured it out until Tues. afternoon. He had 3 tumors, 1 in his lung, kidney and liver. The dr. told us that the cancers were fighting each other and caused this very rare neurological thing. There was no way to stop it. Rich's sister and I were the only ones there when we got the news. I then had to go home and tell my kids and family. The following evening he was transferred to hospice. That was Wed. night. Thursday morning my youngest daughter who was 15 at the time and I went to be with Rich. He passed that day at a little after 2pm. It all happened so fast. He waited until all his friends and family that was there that day to leave. It was just Nicole and I there with him. I think he wanted it that way. Sorry for the long post but I just felt the need to share my story.

[scba]

Dear Polly, the firsts are very hard. We are with you.

[enna]

My heart is hurting for you. As Ana says, "We are with you." Sending hugs and hoping that you will find this place a comfort to come to. We share one another's pain and really do understand.

Anne

[Gin]

Polly,

so sorry for all your pain.  It was so fast for you.  

Gin

[kayc]

Polly,

You need to be able to tell your story, it's too much too keep bottled up inside.  Your poor husband...and you too, went through so much!  When someone falls for no apparent reason the first thing that comes to my mind is possibly cancer because that is what happened to my MIL.  Doctors need to look for a reason for things.

I wish you could have had a happy birthday.  I also know the likelihood of that at this point is low...l cried myself to sleep my first birthday without George, it was such a stark contrast to our life together.

We're here for you as you walk this journey.  

[MartyT]

Your story breaks my heart, Polly. I am so sorry this happened to your husband and to you. So very sorry . . . 

[Guest]

Polly,

First, as senseless as it sounds, Happy Birthday. I really wish it could have been better. I had my birthday three weeks after my wife died and I hated every minute of it.

Your story is so sad. What you went through is horrible. Know we are here for you. 

[KATPILOT]

It took a lot of courage just to go out like that Polly.  No it isn't much fun and the joy just can't be the same but happy birthday anyway. One day it day will be more enjoyable. It just takes time but for now welcome and worry not about long posts. Your words are read by so many who get what you are going through and relate. Welcome to our family and I am too so sorry for why you had to be here but glad you found your way.

[Margm]

Polly, your story is mine.  I think it is most of our stories.  Into the ER when it was still daylight.  Up to the ER desk over and over.  In a room finally between 4:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. He was gone somewhere between 7:00 a.m. and 7:30 a.m.  He left me five weeks from time of diagnosis.  We thought it was just the herniated disks in his back.  I think with faster action they could have saved him this Saturday on October 17th. But, what pain would he have had to endure?  Surely the twice yearly checkups and blood tests should have shown how bad his liver was.  Most all of our lives can be told in the three words of the oncologist, "shoulda, woulda, coulda."  I hate those three words.  Most all of our life and death are in those three words.  They kept treating me for a UTI when I had a ruptured colon.  One doctor saw something on MRI and this very pleasant surgeon called it a urachal cyst.  The doctor I did not want to go to was an arrogant SOB.  He actually had to undergo anger management.  I had been scheduled for a colonoscopy before the colon ruptured..  His bedside manner was horrible.  His first words to me were "you scare me."  But that arrogant SOB saved my life by not listening to his colleagues and doing something different than the tried and true treatment.  You should have seen his face when I had my first office meeting after the hospital stay.  I asked should I go for the colonoscopy now. His look said "how dumb can you get lady."  My reaction is to hug this man one of these days.  He told Billy he was just not a huggy person.  Billy, in one of his brutal humor moments had mentioned how people felt about the doctor.  He was to be Billy's surgeon too, our pick, but Billy exited the stage before the play began.  I am not sure what the word "crapshoot" means, I will google it.  But sometimes, I think that is what life is, if the meaning is what I think it is.  

Yesterday I went to see Hettie, my sister widow.  The day before I had talked to Carolyn, the other sister widow.  Hettie is nearly five years, Carolyn is three months, I am just over five months.  Hettie has helped me so much. I do not think I helped Carolyn.  The pain on her face was the same mask I still wear.  Hettie knows I am leaving this street that should be called "Widow Lane."  She understands and we will miss each other.  But, once away from this state, which any intelligent person would know did not kill my husband, it will always be a reminder of "shoulda, woulda, coulda."   I will never return in this lifetime.

I slept in our king sized bed last night.  I did not reach for Billy this morning.  There are so many bittersweet moments.  We will carry on.  I can hear Billy's crows calling.  Even they are reminders.  

[scba]

Dear Marg, good luck in this new challenge.
Ana

[Margm]

Thanks Ana.  My mama always saw comic characters in people.  She named me "Moonbeam McSwine" from the time I was born.  I still am that character, but lately I am the "Lil' Abner" character below.  Joe Btfsplk.  Most of  you are probably too young to remember the "Little Abner" comics.  I watched "Bob's Burgers" the other night.  Shocked me the people I recognized in the characters.  Maybe I have some of my mom's DNA.  

[hollowheart]

That picture is how I have been feeling the last two weeks. I just am so down and depressed and I have no life. I finally have a car and no where to go and no one to go with. That is what is really making me depressed. All I do is drive my ma and aunt to the grocery store and my Ma around to get food. She only wants to go out if I'm taking her somewhere to get some dinner to pick up.

It's just so boring, lonely and depressing that that is my fun filled weekend. Chauffeur to the grocery store. Exciting! I feel like an old maid. This lifestyle keeps me bitter and angry. I wanted a car specifically for me and my sister to tool around town and have fun. This is what I'm stuck with. Just annoyed.

[Margm]

Well HH, I am an old widow.  I hate being a widow, and I was not old until Billy left.  But, I find being old has its benefits.  I don't care what people say to me.  I can look them straight in the eye and that one stare says a thousand words.  They look away.  I have become mean.  I am not warring verbally with my sister.  I, like you, wanted to save her.  In both of our cases, we cannot, could not save our sisters.  My options ran out  just like yours did.  If someone with more degrees than she has $ cannot figure a way out of the hole she has dug for herself, and she gets angry at me if I hand her a ladder, then I cannot jump in that hole with her..  Mine is deep enough, but I still can climb out if I want to.  She can too.  She is so intelligent in books, such a good teacher, but this old lout of a sister is not smart enough to help her.  I feel so sorry for her.  I wish I could help her.  I cannot.  We were never close like you and your sister were, there was nearly nine years difference in our ages.  In my life I worked at a job for 43 years while she was earning degrees and spending her retirement to where now there is nothing left.  Even her SS is minimal, will not even buy groceries and cigarettes have gone up to $56 a carton in our state.  I have tried to help, I have given options, but she is too smart for me.  I worry about her so much.  It is only the two of us left, and my mama, who is a two-year-old child, who needs in a constant care Alzheimer's unit.  She threw up the other night.  She had eaten cigarettes out of the ash tray, filter and all.  I have miles to go before I sleep.  

[Patty65]

Dear Polly,

I'm glad you found this place.  I just did a little over two weeks ago.  You are not alone, but I know that's hard to hear, we are all so alone.  But here, you are not alone.  My story is yours too.  I am 50, and my Ron went downhill neurologically... headaches at New Years, gone by February. Tumors in his brain.  Loss of cognitive functions, speaking, abilities.  In Hospice 3 weeks, and with four rooms in our wing, there were 5 who lost the battle in that time frame, including my Ron.  All we can do I guess is keep breathing, and reaching out.  I had an all points bulletin out to my therapist and another close counselor friend at 5am this morning after sobbing through every minute of the night, all alone.  We are holding on together.  I haven't been through many "firsts" yet.  I think you are so brave.

Patty

[kayc]

Oh Patty, I'm sorry you had such a hard night!  I remember those.   I'm glad you have a therapist and counselor/friend to reach out to.  

[Polly]

From the time we were told what was wrong and going on with him, it was less than 48 hours and he was gone.

One of my sisters( I have 6 of them) has been my biggest supporters. She lost her husband 6 years ago. So she gets it. I just wished I wasn't so far away from my family. They are 3 and a half hours away. I really don't want to stay here. Not sure I can stay here financially. My youngest daughter is 16 and really wants to finish high school here. Just not sure I can hold out that long. My sister and I have been talking about getting a place together. I think that would be good for both of us. I would love to be close to my sisters and my mom. There's just too many details to sort out for that to happen and right now I'm lucky to figure out just day to day stuff right now.

[kayc]

That's a lot to absorb at once.  I understand your daughter wanting to graduate with her friends, but it would be good for you to be with your sister too.  I hope for clarity of mind with you when it comes to making these difficult decisions.

[Polly]

I was off yesterday and I feel like I had wasted all morning doing nothing. I just can't seem to make myself get up and do anything. I just sit here. I have so much that I want/need to do but just can't move. When my daughter got home from school we decided to go shopping. I needed to get parts to replace the inside thing on the toilet. Just not sure if I can figure out how to replace it myself but I'm going to try. Also stopped at the mall and spent my birthday money on some new clothes. Really needed them because I have lost so much weight from the medicine I'm on. Anyways, we get home and I stop and get the mail. There was a letter from the place that I got Rich's headstone from. In it was a statement with the balance that I owe and also a picture of the headstone at the cemetery. The rest of the evening, all I did was cry. I haven't been able to go there since that day. It's only up the street but I just can't go there. it's just too much. Nicole asked if we were going to go see it. I told her we would one day this week. I just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I think going just makes it so real. if that makes any sense.

[Margm]

Polly, I don't know how to do anything mechanical.  I can change light bulbs.  And, I have not made out my income tax.  Never done it.  Hate numbers so bad I cannot even describe it.  My Algebra teacher told my mom he would have passed me if I had just taken the final test.  I wrote my name on it and took it up to his desk and spent two years in chorus making up the one credit.  I am going to try it.  I am going to send a note with it.  I was supposed to get it down when I was in Louisiana, but there was no time.  Never had a minute to myself.  I imagine I will have to redo it for them, but what the heck.  

And yes, that makes all the sense in the world to me.  

[kayc]

Polly, I applaud you for trying, I am not mechanical either.  Right now I have had a light out for over a year because I don't know how to change a  ballast. Am not even positive if that's what it is.

I'm glad you got some time in with your daughter.  I know it'll be hard going to see the headstone.  My husband was cremated and it took me a couple of years to decide what to do with his ashes, I finally decided to put them in the back yard because he loved home best, I knew somehow this is where he'd want to be.  It was years later when I decided to have a headstone made where I put his ashes.  It just felt right.  We're winging this, not sure what to do but listening to our inner instincts and that voice inside us to tell us when and what to do.  You will know too.

[kevin]

Polly you are doing good, there is options for the grad..finish school in new town but attend ceremonies in Current school. How did you make out with "bathroom" repairs/?. What I still find hard is returning to specific land marks and special places, still bring on bursts of emotion...I do avoid them. Your going to do fine and you control your journey....good luck kevin

[KATPILOT]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

  We're winging this, not sure what to do but listening to our inner instincts and that voice inside us to tell us when and what to do.  You will know too.

That is so true Polly. Kay has it right.

[Polly]

Well.....I did it! I change out all the inside parts of the toilet. All by myself. The box said it would take 35 minutes. Well it took me an hour and I did get some water on the floor. But I got it done.

Yes, I'm definitely winging it.

[kayc]

I am so proud of you!!!

[iPraiseHim]

33 minutes ago, Polly said:

...  The box said it would take 35 minutes. Well it took me an hour and I did get some water on the floor. But I got it done.

Yes, I'm definitely winging it.

I never can do it as fast as they recommend.  It shows your willingness to try new things and the spunk to do them.  Keep up the good work. Shalom - George