2 hard days in a row.

[kayc]

I think she looks very sweet!

[Margm]

Of course, I think she is an angel.  She always tells me when I buy her something that one day she will pay me back.  I tell her that it is not from me, it is from Dade (what she always called him) and there is never no payback.  She never asks for anything anyhow, but I love buying for her.  It makes me feel closer to Billy.

[Suitearia]

There is never a need to apologize here for your feelings - we've all been there and experienced what you are feeling.   Even today, 13 months after my husband died, I look at pictures and wonder "how can this be" and it feels surreal.

The positive here is that you went to the casino anyway (my Ric loved the casino and playing a bit of poker) and played a bit (coming home a bit richer)

 

[Polly]

Lots of emotions going on in my head right now. It's been 8 months since Rich has passed. It seems like yesterday but also seems so long ago. My 16 year old daughter has been pushing me to go through things in the house. We have been going through things in the basement. (that was his man cave). We are getting rid of a bunch of stuff. My daughter told me that we can't do anything with his train table. She wants to leave it as it is. So for now...it stays as it is. We have spent so much time in the basement that I have let the main part of the house go. We are leaving on Thursday morning to go visit my family that lives 4 hours away. So tonight after work I spent hours trying to clean and get laundry washed. I'm exhausted. I still need to take care of the bills and clean my bedroom after work tomorrow and pack. We are staying with my sister and leaving her house on Sat morning to go to the truck that Rich has taken me to for the past several years. I know it's going to be hard to go but I know he would want me to go. Then the following Sat, we leave for the beach. That is going to be really hard too.

Also my step son that I was worried about because he hasn't been coming by and keeping up with cutting my grass like he told me he would, texted me earlier today. He told me that he hasn't forgot about me. He came over this evening and cut the grass. After he was done he came in and talked to me. He is going to come over tomorrow and help me get this stuff down to the end of the driveway for the trash man. I think I just worry to much. Rich's son is so much like him. I love that. When we were texting back and forth earlier, I swear one of his replies is exactly what Richard would have said. It made me laugh. I miss him so much. He always had a way of saying or doing things that kept us laughing.

[KATPILOT]

You also need to take care of yourself Polly. You've been through a lot of what can wear you out physically not to mention emotionally so I hope this trip can provide you with some rest. I know you are apprehensive about going. It's understandable to feel that way but take the time to rest and sleep too. It's not such a bad idea to get out once in a while and being with family can make it easier.  

[kayc]

Polly,

I'm glad his son reminds you of him.  You have been tackling a lot so I hope you can slow down and rest after today.

But I am curious what you meant by 

9 hours ago, Polly said:

on Sat morning to go to the truck that Rich has taken me to for the past several years.

 

[KarenK]

Kay,

I think Polly mentioned before that she and Rich enjoyed going to monster truck shows. Maybe she just left a word out of the sentence.

[Polly]

Yes. I was tired when I wrote that. For the past several years Rich has taken us to this big truck show and they have monster trucks. My favorite.  Nicole and I are going on Saturday.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

I can understand your pain Polly.  My heart goes out to you.  So much of your post describes my feelings and thoughts perfectly.

[kayc]

Polly,

I hope you enjoy yourself and it's not too hard.  I imagine it'd be how I feel going to classic car shows, George & I used to g to them.  I'd planned on surprising him with a Cuda when he retired that he could fix up, but that never got to happen. 

[Polly]

Today has been another rough day. I was on vacation last week and today was my first day back at work. I work at a grocery store. I was scheduled at 12pm. Got there to find out that I had to go to a meeting. So I went to the conference room. The lady that was giving the meeting mentioned that earlier this morning that a 42 year old women that was shopping, collapsed up by the front of the store and died. It upset me. Then during the meeting Janet brought up some things that really were making me tear up. For instance she was talking about how her grandfather would write his wife a little love note everyday. All I could think about was how Richard would text me every single morning with "good morning my love. you mean the world to me. " Right at the end of the meeting she said something else and I just lost it. She came over to me and hugged me and asked why I was crying. She didn't know about Richard because she was transferred to the store back in December. So I pull myself together and go back to work. Then when I took my break there was a message from one of my psoriasis friends. One of our long time psoriasis friends had passed away this morning. Yep, crying again. Got off work at 9:15pm and came home to an empty house. Nicole is spending the night at a friends house. I hate coming home to no one here. been sitting here crying some more. Gosh, I hope tomorrow is a better day with less crying. my eyes hurt. plus it's just so exhausting.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Polly. When tears come so quickly like this, all it means is that they need to be felt and to be shed. You let them come, and you let them out. Good for you. I too hope for a better day for you today  ♥

[kayc]

Oh Polly, that sounds like a truly rotten day!  I am so sorry!  I'm sorry I wasn't on here last night to respond sooner.  (It's been so hot in here I've been turning my computer off more.)  I hope today goes a whole lot better for you and Nicole is there with you tonight.  (((hugs)))

[Polly]

Thanks Kay and Marty. Monday was a better day. I picked Nicole up from her friends after I got up, she actually texted me before I woke up and wanted to come home.

This evening when I was driving home from work, I was thinking about how lonely I am. Also how no ones checks up on me anymore. My step-son used to stop over at least once a week right after Rich passed away. I hadn't seen or talked to him in over a month. He comes and mows the lawn but he usually does that on the weekends when I'm at work. Anyway, I really miss him coming over. So I get home and usually on Wed. night, I walk down to the end of the driveway and bring the trash can back up. Tonight I got home and started cleaning up some things in the basement. I had the bilco doors open to let in some fresh air. Rich's computer is in the basement because that was his man cave. I ended up sitting in the basement on his computer and just reading on here. Next thing I know, my step son comes down the bilco stairs. He got home( he lives on the main road in front of me and I live on the side road.) and saw the trash can and decided to bring it up the driveway for me. He stayed and talked to me for a good while. I really needed that. He suggested that I call and get my oil tank filled before winter. The heating oil prices are low right now. He also asked if I ordered my pellets yet for the pellet stove and told me that he and his cousin would get them down in the basement whenever they deliver them. I am truly blessed to him in my life.

[kayc]

Polly,

I'm glad you have him too.  I don't think kids realize how much difference they can make in our lives just with a little time now and then.  I miss having my son nearby.  If I died, I wonder how many days/weeks it'd take for someone to discover it?