Lost my husband after 3 months of marriage

[Sherbear512]

Hi there,

I am having a rough time coping with the sudden loss of my husband/best friend. He fell from a golf cart and suffered fatal head trauma while on vacation on good Friday. We are 31/32, just got married 3 months ago and had just found out we were pregnant on the day he died. I miscarried the baby 3 days after his funeral. It's been a little over 2 weeks from the accident and I feel like my life has no purpose. I had everything I ever wanted, my life was so happy and complete and I feel like this is all just sick joke. He was such a good, funny person and people from all over are reaching out to tell me how great he was and how much he will be missed. But I'm having a hard time picturing my life going on without him. What's the point? I had it all, was at my happiest, why try to start another family and have this happen again? I don't want to kill myself because I don't want more people to suffer, but I am having a hard time getting out of bed and trying to start my life again. If anyone has any tips on motivation to keep going, your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[mittam99]

Sherbear, I am so sorry that this has happened. Losing your husband and then your baby in the same week is unimaginable. I wish I had the words to ease your pain. My perfect wife Tammy died suddenly last March 6th. She was all I had and was my world. When she died I wanted to die along with her. In those early days of pain and numbness, life was just going through the motions. And that's understandably where you are today. It is so fresh, it's still all so shocking.

I can tell you that it's taken me over a year to see light in this darkness of grief. I went to a grief counselor, cried gallons of tears, screamed to the heavens, felt like life had no purpose, joined this grief forum etc... etc... etc...

Then, for me, I realized that the only way to survive was to take all the love I had for Tammy and live my life in a way the honored her and incorporated some of her essense into my own persona. But I'm over a year into my grief journey.

Right now, you need to just take a moment at a time. Then a day at a time. There are no rules in grief and no instruction manual.

The days ahead won't be easy, I can't sugar coat that. You should try grief counseling at some point. This forum is an absolutely amazing resource. Please keep posting here as you are up to it. People here have been living with grief, their experience will help. Do things at your own pace, ignore those who might tell you down the road to "move on".

You need support, kindness and understanding from those around you and you need to be kind and gentle to yourself.

I'm so sorry for the loss(es) that have brought you here. Peace be with you.

Mitch

 

[scba]

Dear one,

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband and your baby. I wish I could tell you something that brings some confort. I lost my soulmate a year and a half ago, and two weeks after his death I was lost in shock, numbness and agony. Whatever feeling you are dealing with, even the thought of dying (the thought, not the plan) is normal. I wish I could give you a list of steps or motivation phrases, the only thing that I proved to be true is one day-one hour-one minute at a time. The journey through grief is different for each of us, but in our stories there are similarities. Please take into consideration that the process of grieving is long and full of raw/contradictory emotions. Surround yourself with family/friends, look for professional help if you need it (support groups, counselling).  In the early months you may keep on going without any purpose, living just because you woke up every day. It happened to me.

Peace.

[kayc]

Sherbear,

I am so so sorry!  This is so hard, to lose your young husband and your baby, either would have been a lot to handle, but both at once, that is terrible!

Right now it's too hard to think about "the rest of your life".  It's enough to just get through today.  Eat healthy, drink water, take walks, because that will give your brain it's best possible chance of dealing with all this, and right now you need all the help you can get.  You do it not because you feel like it, because quite frankly, in the beginning you don't feel like anything!  You do it because you need it.

I hope sincerely that you will make an appt. with a grief counselor, not just any counselor, but one that specializes in grief.  It is the best gift you can give yourself.

As days go by we can talk about other things you can do, but right now, it's just taking care of yourself and getting through today.

Do you have close family/friends nearby?

Please continue to come here and post, sometimes it really helps to let it out and know you are heard by people who understand.

[iPraiseHim]

Welcome,

Please keep coming back and sharing as you are able.  My wife died suddenly 14 months ago,  and I was in such shock.  This loving group listened to my stories and questions and helped in many ways that most of the world just doesn't understand or comprehend.  Be easy on yourself and try to get some rest.  I could only sleep two hours a night which just made things worse.  This group gave me some suggestions that really helped my on my journey through the most difficult time of my life.  I am sad for what you have experienced but grateful you have found this group that has helped me and many other people.  I'll be praying for you.  Shalom

[Margm]

Sherbear, please keep reading.  These people have helped pull me through some rough times.  I just told my son, "how could he leave, he was just here yesterday."  How can someone that is bigger than life leave us?  I am so sorry.  All I can say is just keep reading.  Marty has something for everyone.  A very wise woman.  As you can read, we are all at different stages, but that does not mean that the stage one minute from now won't be worse than the last moment. I wish peace for you my friend.  

[Patty65]

Dear Sherbear,

So insanely, and doubly, hard in what was supposed to be your happiest time. Oh my gosh I'm so sorry.   I understand a little bit, my husband died 9 months after we had just opened our pasta shop, our dream.  I have found in these first few months that as much as you might hate it (I still do), having support nearby - helps time go by. It's not much, but it's something, I guess.  I still fight it and run from it, but I know that when I can do that, it helps me get through a part of a day, at least.  And it's ok for now to not get out of bed sometimes, especially at this time.  I tell my therapist, "I want to hide under the covers" and she says, "You should"... but keep reaching out when you can.  I think I'm telling you as much as I'm telling myself.  

I know how hard it is to hear how much everyone loved him.  So many did with me.  So much more than I knew.  It just seemed to make the tragedy worse.  Along with the condolences and cards.  Appreciated and devastating at the same time.  This is a time of opposites converging.

Just keep breathing, one second at a time.  We are with you.

Patty

[Gwenivere]

I don't know what I can add to all everyone has said except it us so sad what happened and you are with us here.  The place that saves us, but no one wants to belong to.  

You will find so many emotions that can be validated here.  You will not be alone.

[WolfsKat]

Dear Sherbear..........your losses are huge......NO words can truly express how very sorry I feel that you've become a part of our "group".....I welcome you, but SO wish there were no need for you to seek this out.  Be kind to yourself.....do whatever it takes for you to heal a bit......you will find much in the way of solid advice, help, and hope in this forum, and in the many links provided.  Please know that here, there are so very many who DO understand, and that your struggle need not be totally alone.  You will be in my prayers, child.

[Guest]

Sherbear-

I too welcome you and my heart breaks for you.  Please know we are all here to help you navigate through this horrendous journey you find yourself in.

Hugs and love coming to you.

[Sherbear512]

I appreciate all of the posts and words of comfort. I'm feeling especially sad and lonely tonight. I loved him so deeply and he was my perfect person. I haven't been able to sleep and I miss him with a physical pain in my chest and stomach that will not subside. I keep looking at pictures and feel like I'm torturing myself knowing that I will not have another day with him. I tried to go back to work last week, but could not focus on anything. Any thoughts on the suggested time to take off of work? It's been 3 weeks since his passing. Im so tired of feeling sad and hopeless all of the time but nothing seems to give me any joy right now. 

[Gwenivere]

Time is such a hard thing for you right now, Sherbear.  I don't know about time off as I didn't have to do that.  Our society is an impatient one and wants thing ps to move fast.  Could you maybe talk to someone in Human Resources for some help? 

[mittam99]

15 hours ago, Sherbear512 said:

Any thoughts on the suggested time to take off of work? It's been 3 weeks since his passing. Im so tired of feeling sad and hopeless all of the time but nothing seems to give me any joy right now. 

There's no set rules in grief. As long as your workplace allows it, take all the time you need to get ready. I was well over a month and even that was a little too soon emotionally. I had to go back to be able to pay bills, sadly. On the other hand, work has helped me focus my mind on something other than grief.. at least for a few hours.

As far as feeling no joy...

Joy is something that's not even part of my vocabulary any more. 

One day at a time.

Hugs.

[Polly]

Sherbear,

I went back to work less than 2 weeks after Rich passed. I was the same way. I couldn't focus at all. I felt I had to just do it. It was really hard. I also felt I had to because I was worried about not being able to pay the bills. I still worry about that because my husband made a lot more money than me.

[iPraiseHim]

Everyone is different.  I went back to work in two days.  There was a snowstorm the day my wife died so I spent the next day digging out my car, clearing the snow and driveway.  It was difficult but I was able to work and it gave me some sense of stability since I have been professionally cleaning homes for over 18 years.  My clients depended on me and they listened and understood my grief and tears.  When thoughts would come up, I told myself to just deal with them after work when I got home.  I was in such shock then, I truly don't know how I was able to do it.  I am a Christian so I pray, cry, and continue on.  I could focus on work but everything else was a mess. It was tough the first day after my wife died because I was stranded in my house and couldn't get away from the place where my wife died.  Fortunately, my pastor stopped by later that day and drove me to a Wendy's and ate a meal while my pastor listened, counseled, and prayed.  Shalom - George 

[Margm]

Sherbear, and all of you who have had to hold down a job:  I remember workers being given two days for grief and then they had to come back to work.  I was not aware of the terrible problems they faced.  I remember Mrs. Lamberty, our supervisor, I can remember her being very quiet.  I cannot remember anything else, except at that time we were made to retire at 65 and she had to fight to keep her job one more year.  The inequality that women, and men, faced years ago was not even thought about by me.  I worked beside a man who had his Master's degree and I do not remember even worrying about what he was paid.  I think probably, because it was a state job, that the pay was equal though.  My English professor cousin quit her job because the college did not pay the same pay for her PhD as it did males.  She had worked there for years and she "retired" in anger.  I was already retired, and Billy was also, both from state jobs for nearly 20 years of retirement so far.  I admire you men and women that have to carry on working just to live.  As we age, we face so many things we did not face when we were younger.  I remember for my first job them not wanting to take me because of lack of experience, too young, no matter I had the education.  Now, I am faced with rising car insurance prices because of my age.  The same as when I was very young first driving.  We just have to live.

[kayc]

I didn't return to my job for two weeks although I went in after a week to do the payroll because it needed to be done.  It was extremely hard to focus and because my job required perfection (everything was to Mil-spec...government military airplane parts), I had my boss check my work for a while.  Everyone at work was wonderful and understanding and my boss had a meeting with the employees and had someone talk to them who had gone through loss so they could know what to expect and how to best respond.  It was absolutely the best place to work, but unfortunately all of our jobs ended within months as the business went down...the beginning of the recession.

[mittam99]

Sherbear, I want to expand a little on my reply from this morning. I was getting ready for work when I quickly posted on my phone.

Here's the thing. You have suffered two incredibly emotional losses in a short time. It's just hard to even comprehend what just happened in your life. I mean, all of us who post in the spouse forum have lost our soul mate but you lost your unborn child as well. It's truly unimaginable. The fact that you have the strength to post here amazes. You are a very courageous woman.

The pain you are feeling from the losses, the emptiness, the hopelessness are all part of this grief journey. You are very early in your grief. The only thing I can tell you is there is no immediate relief. I wish there was. It just takes time. All any of us can do is wake up in the morning and face the day and do the best we can under the horrific circumstances.

For now, just try to cope. Don't think too far ahead. It's moment to moment. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. If you feel supported by friends and family, embrace that. If you feel they don't understand, politely walk away. You need all the love and especially understanding you can get.

Also, I think posting here will help. Let others know your story, talk about your husband, it will help. If you're hurting, post about it. We know how hard this is, we are living our own life of grief. Truth is, we all need each other.

Mitch

 

[Sherbear512]

Thank you for your posts today. I am slowly making it through the work day today. Taking short breaks to remind myself to keep breathing.  I am drawing comfort from each of your posts, that you have each lost someone and have been through this horrific pain and you are all still living, working and doing what you need to do to carry-on. Number one lesson I am drawing from this experience is compassion. I've never dealt with death firsthand before but I can feel myself changing everyday. I feel like I need to find something to channel this grief and give myself a purpose... but still pondering what that will be. 

 

[kayc]

Sherbear,

I love your picture, thank you for posting that.  It's easy to see your happiness in it.  No words are sufficient, to lose your child and your husband both is truly horrific.  You are right that grief changes us, I have learned more through my grief journey than in my whole life put together.  We are never the same again, and you're right, most of us do become more compassionate although some become embittered.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I'm sorry you're having to walk this journey.  There's some very caring people on this forum and I know we'll all be here for you.

[Sherbear512]

I confronted one of my fears this week. My husband was an airline pilot and I couldn't bear going to the airport without him. Just one month after he died I brought his ashes to his mom and best friend. Walking through the airport I caught myself looking for him Everytime I saw a man in uniform. But I kept moving forward, I had a purpose, and needed to get Justin to his family. The tears came taking off because I thought of the joy he found in his job and being in the cockpit. I thought of all our travels and him holding my hand each time as we take off. But I faced it, made it through and feel stronger for having done something I really didn't want to do without him. Being out of town was so nice. It felt good to leave my problems at home. Coming home was so painful though. It was like I could temporarily think I was just on a trip and he would be home waiting for me. Now that I have Justin to his family, I am struggling to find another purpose. 

[MartyT]

Good for you, my dear. That is the very definition of courage: dreading what you have to do, but doing it anyway. Each time you succeed in doing whatever you dread doing, you're building a memory of your own strength and confidence. Next time you're faced with something you don't want to do, you can look back on that experience and remind yourself that you were strong enough to do it then, and somehow you will muster whatever it takes to get through the next challenge.  ♥

[Cookie]

Sherbear512:  Just saw your original post, and my heart goes out to you.  What pain I know you must feel.  You certainly sound like you are doing your best.  You have had a terrible thing happen to you.  I am thinking about you and sending love and hugs.....warmly Cookie

[Guest]

Sherbear-

There are those who confront their fears and anxieties and those who choose not to.  In grief they are constant.  I am proud of you for challenging yourself.  It is not easy but each time you face a challenge head-on you become stronger.  Most of the time it doesn't feel like it but you do.

 For us most challenges involve simply getting out of bed every day and then finding a way to exist until it is time for bed once more.

Courage- and always remember- You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

[Sherbear512]

I had a really great weekend with my family, but now back at home and missing Justin more than ever. One year ago, we got engaged on a beach in Fiji. It was like a fairy tale I had always dreamed of and we were still in our honeymoon phase, 3 months into the marriage when he died. I would do anything to have him back. The pain is almost unbearable.