If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

I use them to control the tremor that was congenital and now I believe is early Parkinson's disease.  I will have to be checked out for this and now maybe I can. But, I live in a state that wants you to come back to doctor for each refill.  In AR, you could have three refills at a time.  My radiation/burst colon problem won't let me take other medications and I need more of this.  Have to get a new doc because the family practice doc will prescribe dangerous meds for a teenager but will only allow me to have one prescription, no refills.  Have not settled down enough to go to other doc.  Believe me, I need it, but getting it is another thing.  And, if I use more than the two prescribed a day, I cannot get a refill.  So, I have to go to a doc that will prescribe it.  I do understand where you are coming from, 100%.

[KATPILOT]

There is something to be said about using the right tool for the job.  I think there are two ways to go about dealing with traumatic situations ans grief is one of those. You can use defense mechanisms or you you can use tools. Defense mechanisms are bad, no two ways about it. Denial is more terrible than one can imagine even if it doesn't come to light right away. Psychology is a very important tool for we get a perspective from outside our own troubled minds. Medication prescribed by someone who knows what's going on with us is a tool. I have always believed in using every tool available to me when I have a job to do and grief is a job. It's a very big and difficult job. Gwen if your panic disorder was with you before Steve died, I can see how the Xanax was important to your survival. You have it right that there are no medals for not using the help you need. I hope everyone who reads that considers the option of not doing so.

We often attach a stigma to using help for troubled minds and bodies. Men do this more than women and partly because it has been some kind of bs that we are suppose to be stronger. I know, I know. I think though I knew better that I fell into that. That's like denial in it's worst form. Two months of looking strong and holding things together at work was a lie. I remember the day it came crashing down and I was on the floor of my kitchen. That was a dark time that along with many other bad memories I wish I could forget. But then I finally picked up the phone and made the appointment. I finally reached for the tool. 

Marg I can see how doctors today are moving toward under-prescribing meds because of abuse. I think you have to keep trying though.....keep looking for there must be a doctor who understands the need. I noticed how when my wife and others who were dying of cancer would be given pain medication with no restrictions. The one's left behind have needs too. We just don't see it as the same. Sometimes it take a psychiatrist for unlike psychologists, they can prescribe medication for needs of suffering souls. From my experience in the world of psychology and there have been years of it during my first marriage, I know that if the struggle is difficult enough, they have connections with psychiatrists  who can prescribed something. Medical doctors are not necessarily the answer to emotional issues. Again, the right tool for the job.

[Margm]

Again, as with Gwen, I agree with you 100%.  When my dad was suffering so from the cancer, my mom wondered why terminal patients could not be prescribed heroin.  (I hope I spelled that right).  If it would help the mood of someone dying, in some cases, in rare cases, they might even overcome the disease.  Of course, physicians would not prescribe this.  But, I believe in using tools also.  Sometimes duct tape, Gorilla Glue, and WD40 won't fix everything.  

[kayc]

Gwen, 

Panic attacks are a whole other thing, I've had those before and they are gripping, not unlike a heart attack I've heard.  When in a panic attack, it's about all you can do to ride it out.  They're horrible!

It's never too late to learn meditation, start out practicing when you're not in a panic attack, of course, and start with short meditations (five to ten, minutes)  I'm not one to do hour long ones although I used to years ago.  It's bringing mind under control.  Once you're used to it, you can use it when you need to and it can keep the anxiety from rising to panic mode.  I haven't had a panic attack in years now, but it's something I used to suffer with.

[Gin]

Picked up my friend this morning.  She has been with me through all of this.  She asked what I did so far and I told her "Nothing". She asked me why.  Told her I just did not feel like it.  She then told me that she thought I was depressed.  You think?? I guess even she thinks I should be done.  She has never experienced the loss of her beloved, so I guess it figures.  

Gin 

[Margm]

Gin, just google "Grief Brain."  We are not any of us different.  I don't get around people except family much, have to go Saturday with a bunch of women I graduated with.  I think I will come away depressed because they have all gotten old and I don't look in mirrors.  I don't know what words of wisdom I will get, but the majority of them are already widows.  I will just tell them the truth.  No, I am not okay.  I am just keeping on, keeping on.  But I will be happy around them and since Billy and I never attended class reunions (one of his), it will not bring back memories of anything but high school. Billy and I attended schools at opposite ends of the parish we live in.  We will drive up there, three of us together.  One is totally deaf, so it will be almost silent.  Not looking forward to it or dreading it.  It is what it is.

[Froggie4635]

Dear Gin...

It is amazing sometimes that the people who are supposed to be there for us end up judging us according to THEIR time table.  The person who was supposed to be my best friend "sister" turned tables on me and was hurt because I did not make comments or like her Facebook.  Then she said that she loved me and understood, but that all I seemed to do was post things about grief.  I guess it was her way of saying she was tired of my grief.  So I basically did not respond to any more of her emails.  I sent her one on Friday, acknowledging I saw a story about the place she worked, and that I have stepped away from Facebook indefinitely.  Did not want her to think I merely unfriended her.  The thing that bothers me is that she HAD lost a husband when she was younger than I was, and should understand.  But her grief of course would be different because it was her husband and her loss.  Of course you are feeling depressed...as it is your right.  I keep finding all kinds of little gems in this book I keep on my desk, "hope & healing for transcending loss" by Ashley Davis Bush ...

This is the one listed for July 25... "Give yourself permission to do nothing.  When you're grieving, your energy goes inward and it's hard to be productive.  Our society wants you to DO, but grief wants you to BE.  There will come a time when energy returns; but for now, whenever possible, be still.  When you can, sit with no purpose other than to just be in stillness."

[Gwenivere]

As has been pointed out many times, we are reminders of something that no one wants to exist.  People with thier partners don't want to think it could happen to them.  It's almost a form of shunning, but not because we did anything wrong.  Yet, it hurts just the same and can leave us so isolated.  It's awkward for people to ask how we are doing and just let us speak without trying to fix it.  Many get tired of the changes they see in us and become impatient not realizing we will never go back to the person they once knew.  Life has always been about change.  Good change, you have cheerleaders around you.  Bad change, that's a crapshoot as many of us have found.  People I thought would be there aren't and people I would never have thought of are.  Sometimes.  We still come home alone.  

I like the idea of stillness.  I just never know if it will help or make me focus too much on dark thoughts if I am in that frame of mind.  I've noticed an odd thing lately too.  I don't dream anything I ever remember now.  It's a bit disconcerting.  Be they silly or haunting, it's weird to have no memory of anything but going to sleep and waking.  But 'they' say we only have room for so much info and stimulation, maybe just getting thru the day uses that up.  It feels like being in a dead zone tho.  I miss them.

[KarenK]

Not sure where to post this or sure I should post it at all.

Last night, I was truly frightened, probably for the first time in the 48 years that I have lived in this old house. I have mentioned before that strange things happen here like glasses flying off the counter and collectibles off shelves with no one around and apparitions or shadows that suddenly disappear or things that my cat and dog sense. My grandson is at his dad's so it's just me and Marley. We were in the family room watching TV when she suddenly sat up with her ears at alert and just stared into the kitchen. She didn't bark, just sat there staring and alternately looking at me. I got up and went into the kitchen to reassure her that no one was there. Started to look out the blind on the door and this huge looming shadow appeared over me projecting onto the blind and wall in front of me. My heart STOPPED and then it was gone. Marley never moved and she usually follows me from room to room. I managed to reach in the cupboard for a flashlight and went room to room. Of course, there was no one there. I was truly afraid to go to bed until daylight. Whatever lives here with me has never hurt or really frightened me before, but this time was different. It almost felt malicious. I know this sounds crazy and if it's someone trying to contact me, this is NOT the way to go about it.

Okay, craziness over. Make of it what you will.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

 I think I will come away depressed because they have all gotten old and I don't look in mirrors.

We've all aged, Marg.  That's why it's not likely to matter to them what you look like.  You're an amazing woman, stronger than you give yourself credit for, and that's what they'll see.  They will just be glad to see you again!

[Gwenivere]

Kat, I think many docs often look at this that because our bodies are not failing (but they are in many ways by the reactions to grief), that we just have to buck up thru it.  It's cruel when help is withheld or restricted.  The Catch 22 is this is dealing with the people that could really help us physically and don't get it.  Seems many will hand out antidepressants or stuff for your stomach if eating is hard, but if you need something just to relax and give your body a rest then you face obstacles.  In my parents day it was a good stiff drink.  Don't want to go down that road, tho I do have wine and feel that calming.  I am fortunate as my doc says this is what these meds are made for and to use them.  It's kinda like some have this view that pain killers are great, but why use them?  The injury will heal.....eventually.   I do think we have abusers to thank for the obstacles.

[kayc]

16 minutes ago, KarenK said:

I know this sounds crazy and if it's someone trying to contact me, this is NOT the way to go about it.

What IS the way to go about it?  I'd be spooked too!  And it wasn't only you that saw it, the dog was aware of something too, so you know you're not crazy.  There's just a lot we don't understand.

[Gwenivere]

Wow, Karen, I don't even watch horror movie trailers because they freak me out.  You say you have lived with this?  I don't know how you do it.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Gwen you are so right in this post.  I wish you weren't, it's just too dang lonely.

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

As has been pointed out many times, we are reminders of something that no one wants to exist.  People with thier partners don't want to think it could happen to them.  It's almost a form of shunning, but not because we did anything wrong.  Yet, it hurts just the same and can leave us so isolated.  It's awkward for people to ask how we are doing and just let us speak without trying to fix it.  Many get tired of the changes they see in us and become impatient not realizing we will never go back to the person they once knew.  Life has always been about change.  Good change, you have cheerleaders around you.  Bad change, that's a crapshoot as many of us have found.  People I thought would be there aren't and people I would never have thought of are.  Sometimes.  We still come home alone.  

I like the idea of stillness.  I just never know if it will help or make me focus too much on dark thoughts if I am in that frame of mind.  I've noticed an odd thing lately too.  I don't dream anything I ever remember now.  It's a bit disconcerting.  Be they silly or haunting, it's weird to have no memory of anything but going to sleep and waking.  But 'they' say we only have room for so much info and stimulation, maybe just getting thru the day uses that up.  It feels like being in a dead zone tho.  I miss them.

 

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I've noticed an odd thing lately too.  I don't dream anything I ever remember now.  It's a bit disconcerting.  Be they silly or haunting, it's weird to have no memory of anything but going to sleep and waking.  But 'they' say we only have room for so much info and stimulation, maybe just getting thru the day uses that up.  It feels like being in a dead zone tho.  I miss them.

For what it's worth Gwen for the first year or a little longer I had no recollection of a single dream. It concerned me back then for I dreamed often. Maybe it was something my mind was doing to protect myself. Strangely the first dream I remembered had Kathy in it. We were in a crowd of people all dressed up like some kind of event and I could only see her from behind not her face. That might have meant something too.  I suspect  I was dreaming back then but had no memory of it. Another interesting thing was the way I slept. I use to move a lot when Kathy was next to me. In fact, when ever she would be out of town, I would find myself falling off the edge of the bed on her side more than once yet after she died I never moved an inch. I woke up in the exact same position I was in when I fell asleep. I know because my left eye was stuck to the pillow case when I woke. I think something inside my mind kept me from looking for what was no longer there. It's hard to say what my subconscious mind does though. At least it didn't order a pizza delivery.

[Gwenivere]

I find the dream thing weird because I used to dream about things and Steve.  I'm hitting 21 months and all have vanished. I know what you mean about seeing them, tho, but not in an interactive way, so to speak.  When I saw Steve he was always so far away, I couldn't get to him thru a crowd or he would disappear from where I saw him.  Even a dream of a pizza delivery would be nice.   . Yum!

[Margm]

I don't remember my dreams.

[Gin]

Marg,

how is your Mom?

[Margm]

6 hours ago, KarenK said:

Okay, craziness over. Make of it what you will.

My friend (for all our school years and still), has had spirits/ghosts/bothersome creatures now for years.  These are the same haunts.  I don't know what to call them.  She goes to bed each night reading her Bible.  She moved from her old house to a new one she had built to get away from them.  Billy did not believe in this while he was alive.  I wonder if he does now.  My son, after coding on the operating table twice believes it opened a portal because he has been visited by them when he lived in the old buildings that were speakeasy's from the 1920's, the old buildings in downtown Hot Springs, AR.  He worked there and lived above where he worked.  My friend, when she moved, something she moved brought them with her, so she did not get rid of them.  She has had priests and other religious people come in and all kinds of people that work with the paranormal.  They cannot get rid of them.  There are a lot of things that happen that we do not understand.  I could not live in that big house I lived in with Billy.  I am fine where I am.  Now, the 300+ pound fellow that lives above me, I do hear feet hit my ceiling at 4:00 a.m.  This sound, when it wakes me up, somehow I find comforting.  Karen, I don't know what I would do.  I do know what I had to do, I did it, but it was not easy to move.  I can talk/type all day but I have no answers.

Gin, she is still hanging in.  She is making urine now and her vital signs are good, but she is drugged most of the time and her eyes are slightly open.  I saw her tonight and my sister told me she wanted to warn me before I went in there, but she drinks Coke floats through straw in the morning and asks for them.  I have seen her mostly when she is out of it.  My daughter had her talking this afternoon before I got there.  Her little brain just hangs on.  Sometimes life is cruel.  But, we all know that.

[brat#2]

Gwen and Stephen - I'm not dreaming either or at least I'm not remembering them if I am.  I used to dream and remember them all the time, but since Dale has died, I haven't had one dream I remember and certainly not a dream I remember of Dale.  Like you said, Stephen, I think this is my mind's way of protecting me, but from what?  Would I automatically go to the horrible days?  I would like to think that if I dreamed it would be of the happy times with Dale.  Who knows, this grief things changes so so so many things in our lives.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

Marg,

The last year or so my mom hardly ate anything but we could usually get her to drink something.  She would drink Ensure but not very much.  She was probably down to about 60 when she died.  My friend Jim's mom got down to 56 when she died.  If your mom likes coke floats, that great, at least it's something.

[WolfsKat]

Don't know how appropriate this is......but, this was a favorite of Connor's........primarily intended for those who served struggling with PTSD (he was a Gulf War vet).....but, in recently playing this....it struck me as so true of those of us who find it so very hard to deal with the loss of our beloved.

 

[Patty65]

Are we allowed to scream here??  Hellish grief attacks since the weekend and the 5 month mark, i'm pretty much done with my best friend who was mad that "I chose" to spend Saturday crying instead of hanging out and going down slides with her at a hotel pool. my therapist is not getting what I am trying to say regarding spirituality and trying to find Ron (meditation yielding scary results), our new ravioli machine finally came in, but had to be rewired (long story) and Ron did it the first time, and I had a sobbing/anxiety/frustration attack trying to do it myself (I did it though), &^%$%^ Hospice called in the middle of it -- I didn't RSVP to their "One year anniversary celebration" was I going to go?  NOOOO!!! I'm not going!!!  Then I looked up saw a Map of "Ron's Location" being sent to my employee's phone... why why why am I still here???  I have NOBODY, what's the use?  I'm not strong enough.  My perky business partner will be here any minute and we are to have an employee meeting, honestly, everyone should just STAY AWAY from ME today.  How far and fast can I run???  I guess not far since its a damn island.

AAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent, Patty

[Widowedbysuicide]

You can scream, yell, throw things and even jump up and down.

Do whatever you need to do for yourself.  

No judgements from this crowd!

 

I hope you will be able to blow off some sh_t and start to get some relief.

Marita

[Gwenivere]

You can scream here, Patty, but you need to switch to all caps.  

seriously tho, when those times come where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong, it's hard to maintain any sense of rationality.  And you know what?  We don't have to!