If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

9 minutes ago, Cookie said:

  Really feel for you and feel like I'm right there with you....warmly, Cookie

I know everyone of us has their triggers, like just taking a breath.  Thank you so much.  I sometimes feel that I am going in a hundred different directions and none of them are the right places.  Sometimes I feel like people expect too much and sometimes I actually feel like I must have had that lobotomy. 

All of you that are hurting, special days triggering hurts, I wish we all had peace. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I don't have anything specific to say.  I just wanted to let you all know that I'm reading here and I'm learning what great people you all are.

This was on my Facebook feed.  I think it is awesome.

 

[Gin]

When Al and I got married (not our first), we put our assets into individual trusts.  From then on, everything was joint.  I had problems with a few things in his trust.  I think I have it all finished now.  I have to make an appointment with the accountant to distribute and pay taxes.  One might think that would make me happy.  No.  Even though it was such a hassle, I don't want it finished.  Somehow Al is still alive if this stuff is still open.  He had a few old EE bonds without a beneficiary.  I had to be on the phone every week with the Treasury to try to get them cashed.  Took 21 weeks.  I have had a lot of health issues and "normal" people would be glad to get this off their plate. Who  says I am normal!

Gin

[kayc]

And who says grief has to make sense?!   I'm relieved for you that the hassle is done, but I do understand your logic.

[Gwenivere]

Gin, last year I went thru changing everything to my name.  It was hard.  2 weeks ago I had my will redone and it shrunk from 10 pages to 4 because Steve isn't here as the designated person to handle anything that happens.  Trusts were dissolved and spread responsibly to other people.  I almost caved spfrom the stress of the reality of his absence finding people that had to have everything spelled out that he knew from being my partner regarding my wishes.  The notary seal was like stamping him out if my life.  My legal life anyway.  It still hurts like hell.  I see his name less and less.  I've renewed magazines and now they are in my name.    I do Get mail notices for his car or catalogs he got.  Haven't decided if that is good or bad.  His name is still on our checks and banking and I am never going to change that.

[Margm]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I see his name less and less.

I kept his name on my Amazon account.  Now I have Billy's 5th Kindle that is the main one.  Billy loved his Kindles.  That boy read to 2:00 a.m. each morning.  When we first got married he got jealous of me reading all the time.  But then, I taught him to bass fish too.  Then he really got into it more than I did.  Then he got into reading more than I did.  I was him and he was me, for true, so maybe he is still here.  If so, I wish the him that is me could concentrate on reading again.  

[Gin]

I belong to a grief group and one of the exercises they suggest is to make a list of all the GOOD times we had with our loved one.  I took a LOT of pictures over our 16 years together.  So, I was going to start with album 1 and start making the list.  I can't even look for it, let alone look at it.  I do not think I will ever be able to look at the pics.  I have some of Al's pictures displayed, but I think all I would do is cry if I looked at  the family events and all our trips together...and our wedding.  I am crying just thinking about it.  Maybe that is one exercise I will not do.

Gin

[kayc]

Gin, 

I STILL cannot pour over the pictures, cards, etc.  Once in a while I'll look at some of them, but it's way too hard.  It is a reminder of all I am missing right now.  I have pictures up on the wall of him/us, and I look at them everyday.  Why the difference?  One is a picture of the man I love with all my heart and some are pictures of times spent together and those are the tough ones for me.  Us camping, us at Christmas, etc.  I have some of his notes displayed, they mean a lot to me.  Yet it's hard to pour through the cards depicting our love, it's just damn tough.

[Margm]

22 minutes ago, kayc said:

I STILL cannot pour over the pictures, cards, etc.  

That is one thing that is slowing me down.  I have to move now.  But everywhere I turn, there he is, only not in body form.  Gotta get on it.  Time is wasting.  

[Gin]

Al made me cards for birthday and anniversary and our Christmas cards.  He was so good at it and wrote such beautiful poems.  All the things we do not have anymore.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I've been afraid to look in the photo albums.  The pictures that I see daily do not crush me, they bring back a tiny piece of the joy of that moment in time.  I'm working hard at living in the moment and I feel like it is good for me.

There are some mighty brave and strong folks on here.

 

[Margm]

I am at the point people are pushing me.  I didn't even advertise the house.  I realize it is in beautiful location and they want to move.  U-haul coming Monday and will have it Tuesday.  When I got dehydrated last week probably caused some changes I did not want to happen.  Now my back (which sounds like a hypochondriac) is going out on me whenever I bend down.  Know it is caused from the colon.  But, I cannot rest.  People in a hurry.  I went into the garage and it had been cleaned out.  I have stuff that has to go to the dump and thrift store.  I am throwing away so much good stuff.  Mama always said waste not, want not..  I don't like people hurrying me.  But, if they don't hurry me I won't get it don.  My son is just like Billy, they both expect me to lead.  Always been that way.  So, why don't I know how to lead?  Yes, I took a Xanax.  Slowed my heart rate down.  I have been staying in that apartment in Minden, no clutter.  All of this is clutter.  Do you have drawers where you keep spare screws, nails, paraphernalia that I don't know what to do with.  Going to get smaller boxes to put this in.  My apartment will be full of boxes.  I wrapped a bunch of Billy's rods in plastic.  More stuff to wrap.  I got myself into this and no one can get me out.  If it was me, Billy and Scott, they would all be waiting for me to tell them what to do.  So, why cannot the queen bee do it?  Because she is supposed to be fat, unable to move, and let the drones bring the stuff to her.  I even went by my old shrink's office the other day.  An old house in an old neighborhood that used to be the rich people.  They are trying to build it back up.  She retired.  The house is taken over by weeds, just like my life and I am feeling anxious, scared, and a whole lot sorry for me.  But, does not matter, it has to be done and I am killing time.  Sometimes it seems like I kill everything.........see, I said I was feeling sorry for myself.  Now I am going to pull on my big girl panties and get with the program.  (I have a lot of big girl panties.)

[Widowedbysuicide]

Big girl panties here too! lol

I did quite a lot of t of sorting in the first couple of months.  My house is tiny but there is tons of stuff in our cabin, tool shed, barn and an 800+ sq. ft. Portable.  Most of Gord's clothes were donated with a few shirts saved for a memory quilt.  His personal, personal effects are in a drawer in my bedroom.   I continue to sort things almost daily.  Things for recycle, trash, donate sell or gift.   I have given several of our newest friends many of the tool type things that I hope never to need - I don't want to be doing firewood and such.  Some of the 'trade specific' tools and things have been sold and there are still the tools that had been his father's and my father's.  Heck, I have 3 wheel barrows!  

My son is not happy with all the changes.  He is still not getting counselling and that isn't helpful for me.  I have told him that in order to move some day I must downsize.  I want to do it while I am fit enough to do it and while I am able to decide for myself what I want done with things.  

I need less stuff to care for to live more simply so I can enjoy what I have.  Right now I am in a good place in my journey.  I am not questioning it I am going with the flow.  If the flow stops tomorrow then I will just have to deal with it; I don't have to like it or be happy about it, I just need live through whatever.

I wish I could send you some energy and ambition to help you Marg.  You go girl!

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

I STILL cannot pour over the pictures, cards, etc.  Once in a while I'll look at some of them, but it's way too hard.  It is a reminder of all I am missing right now.  I have pictures up on the wall of him/us, and I look at them everyday.  Why the difference?  One is a picture of the man I love with all my heart and some are pictures of times spent together and those are the tough ones for me.  Us camping, us at Christmas, etc.  I have some of his notes displayed, they mean a lot to me.  Yet it's hard to pour through the cards depicting our love, it's just damn tough.

I keep finding bundles of cards and pictures at my dad's house and at mine. I take a box, look at a few pictures, throw away any obvious trash, and tuck the rest away to look at later. A lot of it is stuff I haven't seen in years-even many years-and not only am I not ready to relive all that by poring over the photos and stuff, I am saving some of it for later. Seems better to have a trickle last longer than a flood that might wipe me out. I am already moving through this too fast.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I need less stuff to care for to live more simply so I can enjoy what I have

When I decided to do this for sure, it was like I was going over Niagara Falls in a wash tub.  I was already on my way, Billy had pushed us off shore.  He went to some other shore but I have been on that collision course with the falls ever since I started.  Seemed simple enough.  Did not figure in all of the things that were his.  Actually, I packed his stuff first.  This is his, mine, ours.  Anything that is mine goes to the thrift store.  I am not organized.  The good Lord handed out organizational skills, I thought he meant political and I hid behind a tree.  I am so not organized.  By the time I had the tub headed for the falls I could not turn back.  But, I have been stuck on some rocks along the way.  I knew the house would go fast, but I did not know just mentioning it to my lawyer, before I signed papers with realtor, would mean I had to hurry.  I have to hurry anyhow.  Leaving is not what I would call bittersweet, it is what I would call sheer terror.  I feel hidden in my apartment.  I wake up to sounds above me, outside the apartment.  I am not afraid.  If I awoke to sounds here in the wilderness, living alone, I would be scared.  Most women are just the opposite.  I have no explanation except brain short circuited from taking amphetamines in the 1970s. 

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am at the point people are pushing me.  I didn't even advertise the house.  I realize it is in beautiful location and they want to move.  U-haul coming Monday and will have it Tuesday.  When I got dehydrated last week probably caused some changes I did not want to happen.  Now my back (which sounds like a hypochondriac) is going out on me whenever I bend down.  Know it is caused from the colon.  But, I cannot rest.  People in a hurry.  I went into the garage and it had been cleaned out.  I have stuff that has to go to the dump and thrift store.  I am throwing away so much good stuff.  Mama always said waste not, want not..  I don't like people hurrying me.  But, if they don't hurry me I won't get it don.  My son is just like Billy, they both expect me to lead.  Always been that way.  So, why don't I know how to lead?  Yes, I took a Xanax.  Slowed my heart rate down.  I have been staying in that apartment in Minden, no clutter.  All of this is clutter.  Do you have drawers where you keep spare screws, nails, paraphernalia that I don't know what to do with.  Going to get smaller boxes to put this in.  My apartment will be full of boxes.  I wrapped a bunch of Billy's rods in plastic.  More stuff to wrap.  I got myself into this and no one can get me out.  If it was me, Billy and Scott, they would all be waiting for me to tell them what to do.  So, why cannot the queen bee do it?  Because she is supposed to be fat, unable to move, and let the drones bring the stuff to her.  I even went by my old shrink's office the other day.  An old house in an old neighborhood that used to be the rich people.  They are trying to build it back up.  She retired.  The house is taken over by weeds, just like my life and I am feeling anxious, scared, and a whole lot sorry for me.  But, does not matter, it has to be done and I am killing time.  Sometimes it seems like I kill everything.........see, I said I was feeling sorry for myself.  Now I am going to pull on my big girl panties and get with the program.  (I have a lot of big girl panties.)

I know what you mean, Marg. we are both moving too fast. I don't think either of us is really in a position to lead right now. Having put the ball into motion we are now being pushed by people who are trying to help carry out what we started by the date implied by that. You have a sale date. I have a return to school and work date and I feel compelled to be back in my own house with my dad's stuff and my own by then. His house will still have to be disposed of...sold, foreclosed, something.

I have two friends helping me; I am paying them and begging them to come and work as much as possible. When they are not around I don't seem to be able to do anything. When they are here they push me and ask me questions constantly about what I want done with this and that. My dad's house (where I am staying) is getting more cluttered as I stash stuff there I don't want to lose. My dad's house is getting more cluttered as I move stuff down there I don't want to lose in the move. The move has seemed so distant and vague, and now it is coming up really fast and the nitty gritty details getting worked out. I think I should feel relieved but I feel panicked, scared, and can hardly sleep. You probably know what I mean, Marg

[Margm]

4 minutes ago, Clematis said:

You probably know what I mean, Marg

Oh I know what you mean..  I wake up in the middle of the night wondering how I am going to get it done.  One step at a time.  My steps go up and down and around though.  I just am not organized at all.

[KATPILOT]

It's not easy that's for sure to look at pictures from the past but even though it hurt so much, I did it anyway. Years later it doesn't hurt so much and even brings a smile to my face sometimes. They were happier times and I don't want to forget them. I want to forget the times of her illness so I stop at anything newer than five months before her death. The fun times, the trips, the holidays, Kathy holding the grandbabies, were good times and I can't run from them. I don't want to run from them. Mixed feelings for sure but I try real hard to look for the happy in those pictures and the ones of her when she was young long before we met, those make me think about the person she was and where she came from. I enjoy that for it's like studying history and learning what made Kathy so wonderful. It takes a lot of courage, more than I ever thought I possessed, to get to this place in my grief. If I become sad, I become sad. It goes away and the pictures remain. I only could do this in private so no one would see and think me a masochist because on the other side of the tears, were warmer feelings of love with a smile or two and then I felt better. When I pulled that picture of her when she was young and drew it, I enjoyed every moment and seeing it hanging in my kitchen makes it so much more special than the simple picture it was taken from.  I have a hard time seeing her in my minds eye. Grief discolors those images. I can watch a video of her and see her move , talk, and just look lovely. Is that me trying to keep her alive? I wonder if behaving like this healthy. I lose track of what's good and what is delusional.

[Clematis]

Sounds good to me. I wish I had more videos of my dad. The only ones I know of are the ones on YouTube (Sedona Pets) of Lena the Therapy Cat. Due to confidentiality reasons, the only person whose face you can see is my dad. The others are cropped out...

I don't see anything delusional about anything you've said. I think we all color our memories in different ways, at different times, and for different reasons. Memories change over time and even immediately. Memory studies clearly show that. Memories are reinforced by what is around us. They did some memory studies of people who lost everything in Katrina, and no longer had photos and other items that reinforce memories. They were a mess; not only did they have trouble remembering things from the past (that the memories were helping them store), they had serious trouble storing new memories.

When my sisters were here for my dad's Celebration of Life, my sisters and I had different memories of my dad and his history, and it made them angry that I didn't just accept their version, even though they were remembering what they had been told in childhood by my dad, and I got it from the horse's mouth (my dad) in his last years. My dad told me recently that his dad came here from the UK when he was 12 and he started working and making money right away, even as an adolescent. My sisters said no, our dad's dad came here at the age of three and his parents were dressing him in Little Lord Fauntleroy clothing, and he was so picked on in school for wearing strange European clothing that he made his parents buy him new clothes.  

There are a few odd things about this story of my sisters. For starters, my grandfather would not have been going to school at the age of three. He was born in 1899 and at that time no one was sending their kids to school at the age of three. Also at that time I don't think many three-year old boys were directing their parents' clothing purchases for themselves. Maybe he was really six and that turned into sixth grade in my dad's memory, which turned into 12 years old. Little Lord Fauntleroy was published in 1895, and the clothing ended up being more popular in the US than in the UK. At the time my grandfather was three-or six, that style would have been popular in the US for boys, but by 1911, when my grandfather was 12, it would have been passé, and he might have been picked on because his clothing was out-of-date, and not because it was it was foreign. Who could ever know? Not even my dad had a clear and accurate memory by the time he was old. I just changed the remark in the eulogy to exactly what my sisters said in an attempt to make them feel better and more a part of things - since I had written the eulogy alone - they refused to contribute to it, but were eager to criticize what I had written. Whatever... 

I think coloring things in a way that makes one feel better is ok...it's certainly better than coloring one's memories to justify one's anger, which a lot of people certainly do. And when you get together with family and talk about events from ages ago, does it ever happen that everyone agrees? Only when there is a family (or other) historian that everyone has decided is right. Then everyone remembers their version.

[MartyT]

Stephen, my dear, I think that keeping your beloved's memory alive is a very healthy thing to do, and it certainly is not "delusional." A delusion is a fixed, false belief, totally against reality. You are by no means out of touch with reality when you are preserving precious memories of your beloved Kathy, and in a way that you choose to remember them. And Laura, you are completely in charge of which memories of your dad that you wish to preserve. I agree with you completely, that "coloring things in a way that makes one feel better is ok."

My Daddy always used to tell the most wonderful stories, and he'd always end them with this statement: "And if it didn't happen that way, it should have." I just love that . . .  ♥

[Margm]

18 minutes ago, MartyT said:

"And if it didn't happen that way, it should have." I just love that . . .  ♥

Well Marty, that is so much more truthful and honest than "and they lived happily ever after."  Of course we don't know what period of time "ever after" would be.  Mama used to say "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  That went along with my mystical magic imagination.  Then along came Billy's mom who put it in a more understanding perspective.  "Wish in one hand and s___t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest."  So much for fairy tales.  

[iPraiseHim]

3 minutes ago, Marg M said:

  Then along came Billy's mom who put it in a more understanding perspective.  "Wish in one hand and s___t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest."  So much for fairy tales.  

My Dad has said this my whole life. I think parents go to school to learn theses phrases to work on their children.  lol 

[Margm]

George, I had never heard it until I got married.  I always thought it sounded more realistic than beggars and horses.  

[KarenK]

I have a lot of photo albums starting with a few pictures from when I was 6 months old. Now, that was a long time ago.  lol  I have skimmed through them. The hurt begins with the ones of my daughter as a baby. Many parents can remember every skinned knee that happened. I cannot. Over many stressful years, my brain has shut out bad memories while shutting out the good ones also. The photos are hard to look at, but also are my window to the past. Ron and I took a lot of pictures on our travels around the country, mostly scenery so I have few photos of him. I cherish the ones of the smiling, happy young man I married so long ago. I have one photo in a frame that was taken three months before he died. It is simply not him as death is already sitting on his shoulders.

I never went digital with photos, but have a few on my computer that my daughter sent of her horses, my granddaughter's wedding, her first view of the Atlantic, etc. They are priceless. Although she had cancer, she still had HOPE and was smiling. The final one is a CD made at her funeral depicting her life in pictures from beginning to end. I have watched it once. It is packed in plastic with the horse t-shirt I got her for her last birthday, the one she never got to wear. I do not need to watch it again. I lived it.

[Margm]

Karen, I truly believe that old saying about we should outlive our children.  So much grief.  Usually when I think of Billy, nearly every waking moment, I just wonder "why did you leave."  Then, I have to think about the length of time I had with him and how selfish I am to have wanted forever.  My son has been told that his son probably does not have long to live.  He has been so into drugs for so long that he is no longer a real living person.  He has psychosis and needs in an institution before he hurts someone.  Someone needs to put him into one but not even the police will keep him long.  What hurts my son so much is his son is following directly in his footsteps.  My grandson is in California and soon everyone will have moved off and left him.  His mother is moving to Missouri.  No one is left to save him.  His little mind is so gone that no one can save him.  Even if the police pick him up they won't keep him.  He has been in rehab before but he has to want to change and that part of his brain is gone.  No one can help him now.  My son has been out there a number of times and had a place open for him back in Arkansas.  He would not come.  Scott had to go into homeless shelters and drug houses to find him at all.  We lost a cousin like that.  A sweet, beautiful girl that died in her 16-year-old son's arms.  Alcoholic and the train went down hill with no brakes.  Beautiful inside and out but for some reason she could not stop drinking just like my grandson cannot stop drugs.  We all know it is too late for him and it tears my son up, he has just lost his dad.  He feels hopeless, so things besides cancer kills.  

I am so sorry about your daughter, just as she had found happiness.  I am sorry you lost Ron.  I am sorry I lost Billy.  We wonder why bad things happen to good people.  Hugs to you my friend and I mean it, my heart is with you.  I admire your courage.  I wish peace for us all.