If You're Going Through Hell

[MartyT]

[Margm]

And soothes the savage beast.  I grew up on country music.  Never knew there was anything else except the many Fannie Crosby hymns in our Missionary Baptist hymnals.  Do you know I can go in a church (now we are talking about our small town churches, some even have pianos and organs), anyhow, I go into one of these small town  churches, see the man leading singing over by the piano and immediately start crying.  Now, to the untrained eye, I look like a sinner needing saved.  No one can look inside my head and see my daddy all those years leading singing for every service.  Remember, we even ran off the bulletin and cleaned the church.  It never fails.  Don't know why I have this phenomenon happen, my dad has been gone since 1984.  When I stayed with my grandma, I would wake up to her little high soprano singing "I Come to the Garden Alone".  My dad, who played every instrument "by ear" would sing me to sleep at night, some Slim Whitman, Red Souvine, or Red Foley songs.  Most likely it would be a Jimmie Rodgers (The Singing Brakeman) about "all around the water tank just waiting for a train, a thousand miles away from home, just sleeping in the rain" and I would cry for that poor man out in the cold.  Heck, Daddy could even yodel.  Then every morning I would wake up to KWKH radio country music.  I think my life was a country song.  Every Monday night we had "picking and singing" at our house and the neighbors would get out on their porches (remember them?) and listen to 5 to 10 people playing country music.  One guy sang just like Elvis and would always sing me "Red Cadillac and a Black Mustache"  We would have people come from all around to listen.  Music was a part of my life,  just like church.  Small paper mill town.  

I think relearning to live again is our biggest obstacle.  Music might remind me that I am still alive. 

[kayc]

Karen,

I recently had a (former) friend message me on FB, wanting to get together for our birthdays "like we used to" (it's been years).  She didn't show up at George and my wedding, nor did she attend his funeral, deciding to go to the coast instead.  Of course that was more important.  Then when she remarried, she didn't send me an invitation, then chided me for not coming!    She moved away, never gave a forwarding address or new phone number.  So when she wanted to "get together", I tried to set a date, time, and place to meet, but she said she had to work.  I tried for another day but something came up, so she said okay.  I thought, why even bother?  I always put forth the effort, not her, why not just let it go, I really am not losing anything.  Sometimes that's the way it is with people.

The ones we want to see, we will make the effort and it will happen.

[kayc]

Margaret, you had cheesecake and I had pie...I bought it for myself for my birthday, I was upset about my son backing out of spending the night when he wife demanded he come be with her parents instead.  To my credit, I did share it with my neighbor.  

[Margm]

Well, Brianna loves cheesecake too, but maybe my growling when she got close to it drove her away.  (I had her rum raisin ice cream).  I am devious.  

[kevin]

I just had a lone birthday, still not too much into some of those celebrations....But the word Cheesecake is exactly what I threatened to do...go crazy on Cheese Cake....Never sweat the small stuff but keep celebrations small....and have more of them....Most of my family get it and understand that I'm going through some changes....Two steps forward, couple zig zags, step back...carry on......It is an individual Journey...

[Margm]

I am sorry Kevin.  I never really cared for birthdays or presents.  I had them for my kids and Billy but I am an odd-wad, or haven't you noticed.  I am terrible to buy a present for because I don't care to get them.  Mama always had big birthday parties for me until I was about seven.  I think I just got jaded as I got older..  Do I say Happy Birthday?  Well, I hope the day was better than yesterday or the day before..  Today was a better day for me and so I made one step forward.  My family understands me too.  Unfortunately for them, Billy loved getting presents.  When I cleaned out his things he had so many things that he never wore, never used, just because he loved getting presents and they loved lavishing them on him.  I would get angry at him because the kids really could not afford all they got him and he calmed it down.  Now, I wish I had just kept my mouth shut.  

[Gwenivere]

9 hours ago, Marg M said:

Well, Brianna loves cheesecake too, but maybe my growling when she got close to it drove her away.  (I had her rum raisin ice cream).  I am devious.  

Oh my lord!  You took her rum raisin and also kept the cheesecake?  That's just plain cruel, Marg! 

[Gwenivere]

Kevin, I don't even want to think about birthdays.  Steves is Weds, just a week and a half after the anniversary of his death.  Mine is later in the month.  We always had one dinner out for both at a specific restaurant as well as for our anniversary.  They'll just be two more lonely nights.  Haven't been there in over 2 years.

was this your 1st birthday alone?  Even if we don't do much, having them three makes all the difference.  

Do take care, Kevin.?

 

[kevin]

Gwen,This is Second Birthday since Angela passed....Last year I was in a visiting, running,staying busy state of mind......I am a lot more at peace or acceptance of my new life and am moving on....Still must do something about the big house......but I keep building stuff....New Patio area completed along with some raised garden beds for the Spring.....At least the Rain has let up..... 

Edited November 9, 2016 by kevin
spelling

[Margm]

Gwen, I didn't eat her rum raisin, I bought it for her so she would leave my cheesecake alone.  I cannot eat raisins, so she was safe.  No sweets are safe around me, or Cheetos.  

 

[Brad]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

I am a lot more at peace or acceptance of my new live and am moving on....

You are where I want to be.  Actually I am slowly getting there; the peace is present but sporadic and acceptance also peeking around the corner with more frequency.  I still find myself filling time with distractors but lots of moments for reflection and trying to grow into my grief.  For me loneliness is an issue.  It is hard to risk getting out there but I am starting to try.  I glad you are building/adding to your gardens.  I have many projects but still am preferring to hike over fixing; I do have supplies so that is a step forward.  Happy belated birthday.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am terrible to buy a present for because I don't care to get them.  Mama always had big birthday parties for me until I was about seven.  

I was born on a deer hunting trip.  That's a clue as to how birthdays went for me.  All the time growing up we spent my birthday out hunting, having to be quiet so I wouldn't scare the deer off, no friends, no birthday cake.  My mom scheduled getting my tonsils and adenoids out on my sixth birthday, I woke up alone, scared, thought I was going to swallow my tongue, couldn't talk.

When George and I got together, he made a big deal out of my birthdays.  He went all out.  When he died, I really noticed the difference in my birthdays...my first one I cried myself to sleep, no one said Happy Birthday all day to me.  I felt unloved and uncared about now that he was gone.

But hey, even if you have to buy or make it yourself, cheer yourself up with cheesecake or chocolate cream pie, it helps!!

[Margm]

31 minutes ago, kayc said:

cheer yourself up with cheesecake or chocolate cream pie

I may have had 20 extra pounds of cheering myself up.   Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to do like that mule in the clover patch and just eat myself to death.  Sonic has a cheesecake shake that I cheer myself up with often.  

I have dream amnesia.  But this morning I dreamed about Billy, he was alive, and he told me that he tried, but he could never forgive me for something that happened 40 years ago now.  He was with the other woman and all  her friends were with her and were telling me what a bad person I was.  It seemed to go on forever, but in reality I know it was only seconds.  I woke up angry at Billy.  I used to have this dream when he was living.  I woke up angry, then very sad because it was not true.  I like my dream amnesia best.  I can still remember this nightmare and it is near noon.  If it had been true, maybe she could have kept him alive longer than I did.  

[kayc]

Marg, I'm sorry you had that dream.  Remember it is a dream, it's not happening, and I doubt anyone could have kept him alive longer than you.  I'm sure if he had any struggles with forgiveness, it's past now, because I think they get clarity when they're beyond the limitations of our earthly bodies.  (((hugs)))

[Gwenivere]

I have my 2nd apt. with a new therapist this afternoon who has agreed to work with my grief counselor.  I cannot break out if this no will to live.  I've never experienced such a dark place, never even knew it existed inside of me.  I dud some research on the guy after meeting him and he leans very Jungian.  For those not familiar, thier goal is to delve into inner self even from long past.  I only came into these feeling since Steve died.  As we see in that 'getting to know one another' phase, I have my list of goals to talk with him about.  Most being finding meaning in life again.  This trodding day after day with no compass is maddening.  I'm writing thud because last week he asked me to bring a list of songs that reflect how I feel.  I couldn't find any.  Only ones that reflected times that represent memories of our life and love.  So today I ask him if this Jung approach will help me.  It can be painstakingly slow and I don't feel I have the time to get some much needed footing to get to a place where these techniques of meaning will work.  I fee like I am in crisis mode and that requires immediate help first.  Sorry, I'm just babbling because I am nervous to go.  I've already checked out one other clinic that rejected me because the counselor I would have seen does not believe in the meds I have been taking for decades for my panic disorder.  She didn't get I wouldn't have even been there if not for them.  Steves birthday is tomorrow so I know that is weighing me down too as well as his 2nd year gone from this earth on 10/29.  I want to care about life.  I made an apt. For one of my dogs for Friday, but it seems a chore.  I've ever felt hot hat about my furry kids!  The loss of light is quite severe in the Pacific Northwest too.  It's dark about 5 and will only get worse.  I feel like a victim and I hate that.  I keep,wondering where that strong woman went.  

Oh, and add in this frigging election.  I saw on the news therapists saying clients were so stressed out because of resources within.  Thier advice?  Watch as little as possible. A creative challenge to find old movies for the night.  

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

Gwen, I didn't eat her rum raisin, I bought it for her so she would leave my cheesecake alone.  I cannot eat raisins, so she was safe.  No sweets are safe around me, or Cheetos.  

Ah, got it.  I'm not a fan of Cheetos, but potato chips in al many delectable flavor are my downfall.  Sweets not so much.  I'm probably the only person who would grab Lays over a chocolate bar.  

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, kayc said:

Karen,

I recently had a (former) friend message me on FB, 

The ones we want to see, we will make the effort and it will happen.

Kay, this precisely why I don't use FB of other social media.   I don't have friends there anyway, but if I did, my reasoning is why aren't we talking voice about things?  Why is this posted for others to read?  It's like the old days with phone booths.  If people got to close we'd say, this is private.  Now people spill their guts and more we don't want to hear without a 2nd thought.  I've even asked people if they could speak lower because I don't want to hear thier conversations.

[MartyT]

29 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I want to care about life.  

Oh my dear Gwen ~ yes. Yes. We hear you. We are listening. I know this is where you want to be, and I know you're not there yet. That's okay. Let all of us care about that for you, until you are ready, willing and able to care as much as we do on your behalf. We want for you to care enough to keep going. You matter to us. You are one of us. What would we be without you? (And so you crave salt more than sugar? So what? I understand! My sister has always, always been that way. Nothing weird or strange about that! )

[Margm]

Gwen, some doctors don't believe in giving Xanax.  I'm sure I told you all about falling down steps and landing my whole body sitting on my foot, my size 100 butt on a size 7 foot.  In younger days I would have just limped around.  But it really  hurt.  I should have had on sneakers and socks instead of flats.  I was agitated too so was not paying attention.  The foot kept hurting and I have to keep telling myself I am not a spring chicken but an old boiler now.  The fact the hurting would not quit made me go to the ER.  Up until then, the only way I would have gone to the ER was comatose.  Luckily it was just a bad sprain and I had to pat myself on the back (I can still do that too) that nothing was broken.  Mama's broke hip did not show up until over 24 hours after her fall.  I kept telling them I could not take pain killers, so they gave me Tylenol and a prescription for opiates.  

My new doctor gave me 2 refills, but Walmart put 5 on the bottle.  Well, they would only give me 3 in Arkansas.  I'll play this out,  If she refuses me, I will tell her to send me to a neurologist because it is the only thing that helps my tremor.  My Gosh, so I get addicted, It is not like I will be addicted that long, and I do not abuse them at all.  I don't try to get them refilled before time and most times they last more than a month.  

Like Marty said, if one counselor does not work for you, go to another.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

Oh my dear Gwen ~ yes. Yes. We hear you. We are listening. I know this is where you want to be, and I know you're not there yet. That's okay. Let all of us care about that for you, until you are ready, willing and able to care as much as we do on your behalf. We want for you to care enough to keep going. You matter to us. You are one of us. What would we be without you? (And so you crave salt more than sugar? So what? I understand! My sister has always, always been that way. Nothing weird or strange about that! )

I just want to say that Marty is right.  You matter to us and we don't think you are weird or strange in your tastes, or in other ways either.  I hope today went well.  

I'm in BC and yes, it is dark too early  I have to use the Braille method of picking horse poop! .  It's really crappy when I trip and land in it... yes, it does happen occasionally.

[Gin]

Gwen

Hang in there.  We need you and want you to feel better.  I saw my counsellor today and she gave me a list of suggestions that I should consider, especially for volunteering.  I really want to, but have been dragging my feet.  October was the 1 yr. anniversary of Al's death and Friday would have been our 16th wedding anniversary.  These times are so hard!  It is dark here around 5 and the evening seems so very long.

Gin

[Margm]

Gwen, it is hard to come out of depression.  I don't have an animal because "the black dog" is with me constantly.  I cannot try all the new medicines so I will just drag him around with me.  This is not to make light of it, but I am a chronic depressive and most times I feel like Joe, the fellow below.  (This is a lifelong problem, not just a grief problem, though it does make it unbearable sometimes. You are not alone, and if this new counselor does not suit you, find another.  We cannot be with you personally, but we are here.  And these feelings you are having, sometimes it is hard to dig yourself out of the hole  Do not try to come off the Xanax cold turkey.  If you do not want to get off it, find another doctor.  I know some people do not believe in it, but honeychile, I am not one of them.  I believe.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

@Gin I'm sorry that this is a difficult time for you.  It stinks that life is so cruel when it comes to grief.  Hopefully you will find a distraction in volunteering.  I look forward to hearing what you decide to do.  

The short days in our temperate rainforest isn't very exciting.  By the way, I like your listed interests too.  Perhaps you could give me some quilting advice...  Colours are hard for me.

Sending you hugs and wishes for better times to come.

[Gin]

Gwen,

I will always take salty things over sweet.