If You're Going Through Hell

[widow'15]

On 12/10/2019 at 7:08 AM, Marg M said:

My other grandmother made quilt coverlets for all her grandchildren, each little square hand sewn.  After all these years, I still have Scott's,, but won't use it.  Lost the others in our many moves. 

My fluffy grandmother managed to leave money and land to each of her children and (I think I have written this before), had a will written out on a Big Chief tablet of paper (many will remember these), with a #2 pencil and in it she asked her children "please don't fight" and of course they did. 

Marg: My Great Aunt, was like a Grandma to me, made handmade quilts for my Mother which  I still have.   My favorite is the one she made from sewing scraps from clothing that my  Mother had sewn for me.   Another favorite is one of Sun Bonnet Sue design, each embroidered and pieced by hand.  Sweet memories of a sweet lady.

And yes, I know what a Big Chief tablet of paper looks like.  I learned how to write on one with a #2 pencil.  Dee 

[Margm]

My "spring chicken" days are long gone.  Husband gone.  Parents gone.  (can you still be an orphan at 77?)  So many of my friends have lost their links to family and this little woman has found a way to reach out.  It is a novel idea and I hope a family that would otherwise not have a Christmas finds this lady in Tulsa.  Everybody needs someone.  (Especially  those people at the NH you volunteer at "Gwen.")  At our house, in our family, we all suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder), and especially now.  Reach out, someone is there.

[Gwenivere]

Sounds kinda risky.  Guess that is my big city suspicion as so many weird crimes happen here.  Like the idea tho.  I would hope the people would meet first or it would be rather awkward to show up one someone’s doorstep Xmas morning.  🎄

[KarenK]

To quote Johnny from another thread "I will never know another happy Christmas". That's how I'm beginning to feel. My last was in 2008 and it was semi-happy. I was in Kentucky with my daughter awaiting her first cancer surgery on Jan. 1, Ron having flown home for emergency hand surgery. My granddaughter and I drove into the "boonies" looking for a tree farm to cut our own. Two ferocious, huge dogs were on the owner's porch. We decided not to chance it and found one at Lowes. I tried to make Christmas nice for Debbie with decorations and presents, but it really wasn't in our hearts. That was the year I ordered a small decorated tree for Ron who was home alone. That's what I still use, all these many years later, accompanied by a nativity scene and minimal presents. The family room corner looks forlorn. That's what I feel in my heart. I set it up today and remembered the many, many years of 7 ft. trees decorated with all my beautiful decorations and Christmas bears and items sitting around(which I still have, but don;t know why). So many presents you could barely count. My son said he couldn't even remember the last time we had a big tree. Where did it all go? I'm so sad.

[kayc]

I think the idea/sentiment is a great one (adopting a family) but I'm with Gwen, I'd be leery, there's so many people with ill motives out there, not sure everyone would be altruistic.  Getting to know people through church or something seems a little safer but you have to be careful.

[Margm]

I do not think we can have a truly happy Christmas again.  I feel sorry for the woman.  There will be many sad Christmases.  My friend who lost her 2nd husband sounds angry again.  I do not blame her.  She was angry after losing the first.  She said she was glad she had health problems to get her mind off losing last husband at Christmas.  Another cousin lost her husband at Christmas and she scolds, begs friends to come around.  My family is me, and I am them.  That is what Billy said, he is me and I am him.  I cannot be smug, my very best friend, my sister from another mother is dying at her children's home.  Her dying brother (she took care of everyone in the family),  is being taken care of by another sister, my friend is 77, this is the only way she quit work, unable to work.  No, Christmas is not happy and it never will be again, but we are going to make the best of it and "get it over with."  We have no small children anymore.  Christmas is for children and we know the meaning of the season.  I hope the woman makes friends with her being an adopted grandmother.  Even old dogs need taken care of, a friend, a ham bone with meat still on it.  The smallest of things, helping at a place that feeds homeless people.  Then we can cry about no shoes and see the people with no feet.  

[stacy n.]

Since 2008 I Hated Christmas When This Mentally Ill Person Has Been After Me For Criminal Charge’s And I Took A Whole Two Whole Bottle’s Of Pill’s. Where My Deary Mother Saved My Life.

[kayc]

I'm glad your mother saved your life...now it's figuring out what it was saved for.  It can take time to process everything and figure it out, but it can happen.

[stacy n.]

My mother isn’t alive anymore but I know if I didn’t call at a certain time she would worry and that’s how she found me laying in my room floor.

i alway’s told I will never forget this of what I did to My Mother and she kept telling me she forgave me.

[Gwenivere]

This is shaping up to be my worst Christmas ever.  It’s not just all the medical stuff I have been hit with all at once (tho that in itself would be sufficient), Steve not being here has me me so devastated in a way I didn’t think was possible after 5 years.  It’s the combination of the two, and it wouldn’t have to even be the holidays.  But they are reinforcement of the loneliness of the loss.  Unlike all the happy people, I’m thrilled there is one less week of holiday prep.  

I know I am 5 years older and with age comes limits.  Limits I could live with.  But ongoing conditions (got 5, could be more) that require either treatments that take over your life or tests that are ordered to (hopefully) rule out bigger problems are overwhelming me.  I saw my doc yesterday and he wants to bring in 2 more specialists.  I’m not naive enough to think they won’t order tests.  MRI's, arterial scans and surgery were all mentioned.  Mentally, my shrink is pushing more antidepressants too.  As always, in the back of my mind is that simple big question.....why?  

Yes, some things being resolved would help my outlook like being able to have less pain so I could do more.  Maybe take more interest in life as it is now.  That includes acceptance about my eldest dog that is my last link to our family and happy times.  My mind is so jumbled and what I am attempting to say is I know, inside, I will never be truly happy again.  I was looking for contentment and that seems out of reach.  Maybe I am sabotaging myself, I don’t know anymore.  I don’t want to do all their tests and maybe find I have something more serious that my mind has already jumped to as possible.  Doc says possible, but try and look at it as possible to rule them out.  Good concept, hard to do when you feel your life is over no matter what.  I look down the road and see more dependency for help and less connection with people.  I’ve been trying that for 5 years unsuccessfully.  My ways are more independent as I am not a joiner (church, hobby clubs, etc).  It may sound Iike an excuse, but it’s how I’ve always lived.  I’ve had to adapt to so much that I have to retain some part of me that doesn’t feel uncomfortable.  I so miss all the people I have lost I was tight with,and I do mean all.  I am told to push!  Get out there!  Find something with your interest!  Heck,  I can barely do my volunteering and that was a huge interest.  It’s so odd to feel wanting to be left alone yet not wanting to be alone.  I was told once I didn’t make enough connections before Steve died so this wouldn’t happen.  That is bull.  I had so much going back then.  I can’t stop people from moving, disappearing or dying as they did.  

So onto another day armed with more medical things as my only new tasks if I choose.  The places will start calling next week and I need to decide what to do.  Or maybe my body will with all the whacky things it’s doing.  

Super dark day here in Seattle.  All lights in and it feels like sunset at 2pm.  Raining too.  This is when I hate the PNW.  Dee knows what I am talking about being a bit south of me.  The nursing home has Christmas parties today.  Not sure I can face that.  Probably couldn’t find a place to park anyway, may try.  Desperate for people I know.  

I want Steve.  Used a lot of words and space for the real problem.

[Gin]

People tell me I need more friends, also.  Easier said than done.  I would love them, but it takes a long time to develop a friendship.  With limited mobility,  getting out is not easy.  I try.  I really do.  Knit club, book club, bible study. People are nice, but I would not call them friends.  My friends have either moved, died or are in nursing homes.  Getting old is sure not for sissies.

[kevin]

 I was just saying to myself how dark it is already, Christmas lights come on automatically......Just shovelled some snow( more of a scrape2 inches)......My reason for moving to the Frozen North was family  for these occasions....Bought two Turkeys yesterday, price was right ,,,,will Cook one with part of the Family coming over on Dec 24th, and invited out with the kids Christmas Day(at X Wife's House, should be fun, her Husband is there)...Diet definitely going to take a hit...have a good evening..

[widow'15]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Super dark day here in Seattle.  All lights in and it feels like sunset at 2pm.  Raining too.  This is when I hate the PNW.  Dee knows what I am talking about being a bit south of me.  The nursing home has Christmas parties today.  Not sure I can face that.  Probably couldn’t find a place to park anyway, may try.  Desperate for people I know.  

I want Steve.  Used a lot of words and space for the real problem.

Gwen:  Yes I know what you are saying about this PNW weather.  It has been pretty unpleasant this past week.  Am looking forward to this next week of no rain for a few days.  Have to get outside and get some yard work done and maybe hang a artificial Christmas wreath - the extent of my outside Christmas decorations.  I must push myself harder and harder each day for motivation.  

Am thinking about your upcoming appointments and hoping you'll only have manageable results.  You will be in my thoughts.

Hope you gathered enough courage to join the Christmas party at the nursing home, it would be good for you to be with people you care about.  Take care.  Dee

[widow'15]

7 hours ago, Gin said:

People tell me I need more friends, also.  Easier said than done.  I would love them, but it takes a long time to develop a friendship.  With limited mobility,  getting out is not easy.  I try.  I really do.  Knit club, book club, bible study. People are nice, but I would not call them friends.  My friends have either moved, died or are in nursing homes.  Getting old is sure not for sissies.

Gin:  I know I need more friends, but can't seem to push myself out to join any groups.  I  use the excuse I have too much to do at home or am not motivated to get out of my sweat pants and join the outside world.  Good for you that you have joined groups - that is a positive start. 

One of my dear friends I went to high school with always tells me, "We must be brave in our old age".  Like you said, "Getting old is not for sissies."  Dee

[Margm]

7 minutes ago, widow'15 said:

"We must be brave in our old age"

I agree (I moved away from those 4-5 big concrete steps) that I knew one day I would fall down.  Honeychiles, we are brave when we walk out that door.  I drove off in the car today, probably two miles from the apartment, and I felt brave.  My head said "remember those stop signs" and I felt brave.  I climbed the stairs to feed and take care of my sister's cat (and I felt brave), but I hung onto the rail all the way up and down.  And friends, well, true friends understand.  Like the counselor told us about Bri "don't push her" and somehow that fits us exactly.  My most daring deed is going to bed and reading (which I love) and all of a sudden it is 2:00 a.m.  I am surprised at how daring I have become.  And, I question myself all the time.  Keys left pocket, phone right pocket, purse in chair by table, glasses next to computer screen.  If any of these are not where they are supposed to be, then my mind clinches up and I get scared because I know I won't remember where I put them.  We have a lot of important stuff to do.

[widow'15]

22 hours ago, KarenK said:

To quote Johnny from another thread "I will never know another happy Christmas".

That's how I'm beginning to feel. My last was in 2008 and it was semi-happy. 

I tried to make Christmas nice for Debbie with decorations and presents, but it really wasn't in our hearts. That was the year I ordered a small decorated tree for Ron who was home alone.

That's what I feel in my heart. I set it up today and remembered the many, many years of 7 ft. trees decorated with all my beautiful decorations and Christmas bears and items sitting around(which I still have, but don;t know why).  Where did it all go? I'm so sad.

KarenK:  Your last statement, "Where did it all go?" sums Christmas up nowadays perfectly.  It is like it was in another world from long, long ago.  Your story of Christmas 2008 must have been so difficult for you and your family as you daughter faced cancer surgery.

Glad you put up your little tree and some decorations as useless as it feels at the moment.  Take care.  Dee

 

[widow'15]

17 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I agree (I moved away from those 4-5 big concrete steps) that I knew one day I would fall down.  Honeychiles, we are brave when we walk out that door.  I drove off in the car today, probably two miles from the apartment, and I felt brave.  My head said "remember those stop signs" and I felt brave.  I climbed the stairs to feed and take care of my sister's cat (and I felt brave), but I hung onto the rail all the way up and down.  And friends, well, true friends understand. 

My most daring deed is going to bed and reading (which I love) and all of a sudden it is 2:00 a.m.  I am surprised at how daring I have become.  And, I question myself all the time.  Keys left pocket, phone right pocket, purse in chair by table, glasses next to computer screen.  If any of these are not where they are supposed to be, then my mind clinches up and I get scared because I know I won't remember where I put them.  We have a lot of important stuff to do.

Marg:  Yes, lady you are brave.  Accomplishing your decision to find another apartment and getting it done in a successful manner is mind boggling to me. 

I agree we have a lot of important stuff to do.   Just getting through each and every day can be daring.  Going to bed is usually one of my favorite things - only if I can drop off to sleep.  That is one of the times of the day I talk to my husband and ask him to please tell me how I am going to get through the next  day without him being here.   I have never been much of a reader and now that my vision is getting worse I doubt if I ever will read the books on my long list of 'books to read'.  My husband loved to read and always had a book next to the bed.

I remember you sharing one of Eleanor Roosevelt's sayings, " Do one thing every day that scares you."  I don't do something scary every day, but on those days that I am dreading a task, an appointment or whatever, I remind myself of that saying.  So thank you for helping me be more brave every once in awhile.

Your routine of leaving the house is so similar to mine.   If something interrupts me, you can bet I will forget something.  And once home, everything has to be returned to it's specific place.   Take care.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I did go to the nursing home for the Christmas party.  Don’t really know if it was a good or bad thing.  Lot of happy people.  I sat with my fav resident and his daughters, granddaughters and met another volunteer from movie nights.  It gave me lift enough to do some errands on the way home.  I got here and the funk settled in as always.  It’s like Karen said.  Where did it all go?   How miraculous it would have been to come to my own home and family and have that warmth and joy long gone. I so wanted to walk in the door and see life again here.  The dogs wanted to be fed and the birds too, but you know what I mean.   I miss coming in and saying I’m home to my mate. 

I pretty much live for getting home into sweat pants.  Is a great excuse to isolate.  Tho even a couple years ago when I as doing better I would make to go runs to Burger King or wherever.  One nice thing about the PNW nobody gives a 2nd look at that, slippers and all.  

I don’t know how the rest of this holiday is going to play out.  I’m truly baffled about how to handle it feeling so down.  The stress of it has my pain levels so high that creates a viscous cycle.  Pain is such an energy vampire and the fatigue feeds depression.  This rain and dark is a killer this year when I tolerated it for decades in the excitement of the holidays.  

Marg, you are inspirational and I don’t think you see it.  I don’t think any of us see what we do get done despite the emotional obstacles.  I don’t want to invalidate the loss of those with family, but it does make a difference to have that contact.  Unless they let you down, of course.  I’m so programmed to be alone, I don’t know if I could handle a person or more here, but that is because i am not used to it anymore.  I relished any time with people in the beginning til it dwindled to nothing but random, short occurrences.  

And then I have this ridiculous thought running thru me that after Christmas it will be better.  Only for stopping the commercials and movies.  The stores will move onto Valentine’s Day.  Yippee.  

This babble brought to you by another lost date night.  

Kevin.......bundle up up there!  

Gin, at least you’ve tried groups.  Always points for trying.  But I know what you mean now.  I’ve joined groups in the past and did make a couple of friends.  But they are gone now.  Casual acquaintances are easy.  We want someone we can be the real us with.

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Stacy Nicole said:

My mother isn’t alive anymore but I know if I didn’t call at a certain time she would worry and that’s how she found me laying in my room floor.

i alway’s told I will never forget this of what I did to My Mother and she kept telling me she forgave me.

None of us mothers want to lose our children, no matter how old they are, they are the most precious ones in our world.  That's why it hurts so much that I don't hear from my daughter, esp. since I know her life isn't going well these recent years.  Probably she has nothing new to report and just doesn't like going down that rabbit hole.

Your mom forgave you, of course, all of us moms would...but I'm glad she saved your life and hope you someday will find something worth living for, even if it's still a struggle, that's kind of where I am now.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was told once I didn’t make enough connections before Steve died so this wouldn’t happen

I had plenty of "connections" when George died and all my friends ditched me, it seems they have no capacity for compassion in loss.  I didn't whine to them, they disappeared immediately, along with his family (his kids don't live here, I mean his brothers/sisters/dad).  I don't think we can be blamed for that.  I have put myself out there, continually, it can take years to build friendships and many at this age already have their established friends, so it's harder than people think, but I'm very glad I've pushed past my comfort zone because now I do have friends, not as close as I once had, but I know I can talk to them or invite them to lunch, it helps.  You have physical issues that make every day more complex/difficult, so I know it's harder for you.  I'm glad you still have the place you volunteer, but gosh I wish they'd fire the witch that's in charge!  

Right now I'm feeling it because I can't go to the senior site where I've helped with Bingo for years.  My shoulder injury took me out of volunteering for a couple of months but I'd just gotten back into it and...the church building it was held in had a pipe break and sewage backed up, flooding the place.  Hazmat has to come in and pull up carpets, etc.  I don't know the extent of their loss but am told it could be months...right before the holidays, this really hurts the seniors that rely on this contact for social interaction and food supplement.  I've thrown out the suggestion of holding it at our church meanwhile but haven't heard back.  My heart is broken for all of them as I know a lot of the parishioners that go there, including my kids' dad.  I went there for 23 years, was in on it being built in 1979.  

I just found out my son is having me 12/23 instead of Christmas, which is hard because I have nowhere to go on Christmas or Christmas Eve.  I hope the roads/weather cooperate. 

I'm so sorry you are having a harder time now than ever, and that your outlook for Christmas doesn't look bright.  I'll make the best of it with my little guy, he's adorable.  I took him to our church' Block Party yesterday and roughly 100 people/children held him, he did wonderful.  Afterwards I took him out on the lawn and he loved it!  He peed a LOT which tells me he'd been holding it inside the building, I was so proud of him my buttons could burst!  Now to work on the pooping...  I've put Kitty on hemp oil to help her anxiety, she is really having a horrid time since I got him but this seems to help a wee bit.

Gwen, do you have a handicapped permit?  I hope so!  

Maybe I'll watch sappy Christmas movies all day on Christmas, IDK.

13 hours ago, Gin said:

People tell me I need more friends, also.  Easier said than done.  I would love them, but it takes a long time to develop a friendship.  With limited mobility,  getting out is not easy.  I try.  I really do.  Knit club, book club, bible study. People are nice, but I would not call them friends.  My friends have either moved, died or are in nursing homes.  Getting old is sure not for sissies.

For sure, Gin!  I think we've all had that dilemma.  One friend I was getting close to...now her husband wants to move.  I want to brain him.

12 hours ago, kevin said:

with the kids Christmas Day(at X Wife's House, should be fun, her Husband is there).

I feel for ya!  I don't want to spend any time with my ex' wife, she's horrible to me in spite of my best...her issue, not mine, but she makes life uncomfortable.

It snowed a bit here last night, supposed to get more in the next 24 hours...

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

all of a sudden it is 2:00 a.m.

That is when I got up this morning, ugh!

4 hours ago, widow'15 said:

And once home, everything has to be returned to it's specific place. 

For me...not always!  I looked and looked for where I put the coffee yesterday, you wouldn't think you could miss a big rubbermaid container.  Turns out I must have got distracted because I found it on the dining room table, after I looked in all the cupboard, freezer, refrigerator, etc.  This happens more the older I get.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I pretty much live for getting home into sweat pants.
One nice thing about the PNW nobody gives a 2nd look at that, slippers and all.

Me too...my "go to" are jeans and late afternoon it's into a nightgown...that's tripped me up a couple of times when the firewood guy has come unexpectedly...another ten years and maybe he'll learn to call first.  Doubt I'll learn to stay dressed longer.

[kevin]

Sappy Christmas Movies and Halmark Channel........love them

Edited December 15, 2019 by kevin
omission

[Gwenivere]

Really Kevin?  Wow, I’m surprised.  Is this a result of brain freeze?  🥶

[kayc]

We may know that's not how life goes but I think deep down we like to believe it can...I had that fairy tale romance with George even if death did rudely intervene.

Had a terrible thing happen, my neighbor Lani's husband Trevon watched Kodie while we were at choir practice.  When we got back, he was putting the sheep away and she assumed he had Kodie, she let the three dogs in...Joe ran straight for Kodie and bit him, it took a full (long) minute for her to get him to release him, meanwhile he was crying and crying and crying.  I was terrified!  I brought him home and just held him and held him for hours.  He's such a sweet little guy. 

[stacy n.]

Kayc?

 

I’m so sorry for your loss.

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

 

Had a terrible thing happen, my neighbor Lani's husband Trevon watched Kodie while we were at choir practice.  When we got back, he was putting the sheep away and she assumed he had Kodie, she let the three dogs in...Joe ran straight for Kodie and bit him, it took a full (long) minute for her to get him to release him, meanwhile he was crying and crying and crying.  I was terrified!  I brought him home and just held him and held him for hours.  He's such a sweet little guy. 

Oh kayc:  Poor sweet Kodie.  I hope he will not remember this scary day.  I know your neighbors were mortified to have this happen.  I am assuming there was no broken skin.  So sorry for both of you.  Dee