need to wake from this nightmare

[rdownes]

I lost my husband almost four weeks ago he was only 47 we have been together for 26 years we have seven children,and six grandbabies, I feels so empty and alone,I miss him so much, I remember the paramedics telling me I am sorry mam those words will forever haunt me, everyday the loneliness gets worse, he was my world literally I stopped talking to my family because they did not like him,he was a great man and the guilt eats me up everyday I took him for granted that he would always be there the last few years the stress of life took its toll,he had bipolar and didn't work,so much stress was on me that we argued alot he tried so hard and he loved me unconditionally and now he is gone all I can do is hope he sees my tears and knows how sorry I am, was he taken to punish me it hurts so bad, my children are here for me but our losses are different they will move on with their husbands or wives or find their soulmates which they should mine was taken from me and at 46 I face the world alone,I see his face all day and talk to him in my head all day mornings I wake up and reality hits he is gone, I then go into function and numb mode,I come home from work and reality hits again he is not there, go to bed tell him I love him and I made it through another day go to sleep and wake up to do it again, life has no joy anymore how can I do this the rest of my life it hurts so much,I do not spend all day crying anymore it comes and goes but sadness is always in my heart I just want to shut myself in the house away from the happy world, my life has become a nightmare that I will never wake from. I feel like he never had a chance in this world his father died when he was 14 and he had a hard life, back in 2004 he was diagnosed with bipolar he took a whole bottle of Tylenol to end his life he flat lined twice and they brought him back why was he spared when he wanted to go only to be taken 12 years later when he didn't want to go I don't understand, I spent so much time back in 2004 talking him into staying in this world because we needed and loved him he used to tell me I would never understand what he felt well now I do he loved nickleback,creed,shinedown,three doors down it all told his story of a sad man who tried so hard I don't know how to go on without him I need to wake from this nightmare 

[mittam99]

rdownes,

I'm so sorry for the loss that brings you here. Losing your soul mate and the grief that follows is just about the most painful and overwhelming thing any human being could possibly endure. Reading your post, it felt like I could have written so many of the same words. I understand that feeling of your pain and anguish being different than what your children are going through. Losing a parent is a terrible thing. They raised you, were your role model etc... but, when you lose a soul mate, it affects EVERY aspect of your life and it changes you to your very core. You lose your identity.

I lost my wife Tammy, suddenly last March 6th. She was only 45. She truly was my world. My everything. The best thing that ever happened to me. We were soul mates through and through. When I was just a few weeks in my grief, just like you are, I honestly didn't think I could go on. Life felt so unreal and in such a nightmarish way, I wasn't sure I even wanted to live like this. But here I am, 15 months later and still hanging on. I still cry almost daily. I'm still sort of going through the motions, but, I am here. This grief journey, will be hard. I can't sugar coat it.

Right now, so early in your grief, you need to take care of yourself. That means getting plenty of rest and eating properly. I know even doing the basics like that is a challenge but it will help. Even something as basic as remembering to drink enough water can be a challenge, but it's necessary. Try to surround yourself with understanding and supportive people. Going into grief counseling or at some point seeing a grief group, could help. Posting here has made a huge difference to me because the people here really do "get" what you are going through. It's a real help and a real blessing to have a site like this available to us.

I know how hard and how painful life feels for you right now. You have so many questions in your head. You have regrets, feel guilt etc...

You miss him with everything you have and the idea of a future without him and seeing any happiness seems impossible.

But, I can tell you this, without question. It's clear how much you loved him and how much he loved you. And that's what's going to help you in this journey. You were blessed to find your soul mate and to have the kind of love you had. Carry that with you throughout this journey. Let him always live in your heart and remember that he will always be with you. You said he "always tried so hard". Use that as inspiration.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Be patient. This is a long journey.

Here's wishing you comfort and peace.

Mitch

[kayc]

rdownes,

Welcome to this site.  I'm sorry you lost your husband of 26 years, it's one of the hardest things we can go through to lose the person that made our world.  I hope you have some kids close by that will be there for you.  With time the intensity of pain lessens as we gradually adjust, but the missing them is something we learn to coexist with.  Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and the 19th AND Father's Day are the anniversary of my husband's death, two days that are hard to get through this week.

As Mitch said, it's important to give yourself the TLC you used to get from your husband, making sure to eat and drink water, get some exercise to give yourself the best chance possible for clarity of mind through this very difficult time.

It's good to come here and read and post, it helps to express yourself and not bottle it up, it also helps to know you are heard.

I hope you'll do some reading on this site when you have some time.

[Margm]

Rdowns:  It took me a long time to quit blaming myself.  I blamed myself over things I had no control over.  It was hard to do, but I put the "moving pictures" out of my mind and knew my beloved did not want me to remember him like that. 

You have come to a good place.  There are good people here.  My kids both have  bipolar and I have read every book available.  We have had some tough times. 

Please, I wish you peace.  I know with  such a big family you will have lots of distractions and it is hard to find time for yourself.  I have not found the solution to that yet. 

[Polly]

rdownes,

I'm sorry for your loss. It has been 7 months since I lost my husband. I still feel empty, alone and miss him so much. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I just take it day by day or on bad days minute by minute. Some days are better than others.

[KATPILOT]

rdownes welcome. Yes it is a nightmare but you will wake from it one day. When you wake you will still feel unsettled as we do after a bad dream because this one never truly ends. You just find you can live in it. For now accept the comfort of others who truly share your pain. It takes time and it takes tools, many of which you can find here.

[iPraiseHim]

rdownes,

thank you for sharing your story.  May great suggestions given already that I agree with. It is too overwhelming to look ahead. I do best when I just focus on today; this day.  We all can face one day at a time. Sometimes it is just one moment at a time.  The deep grief you experience is the profound love you have for your husband. It is not crazy to love.  Grief is the means that we can cope with the profound loss.  Be gentle to yourself. Rest. Eat healthy, drink more water. Grief work takes a lot of energy. Come back often and share when you can. It helps to be among people who have experienced loss.  Praying for you... Shalom - George

[Gin]

Rdownes,. Sorry you had to be part of our group, but glad you are here.  There are a lot of good people who understand you.

Gin

[rdownes]

I want to thank everyone for their words it is a comfort knowing people understand how I feel though it is a terrible common bond, right now my guilt is so overwhelming why did I let the stresses of life change me why did I just not appreciate him being here and that be enough, now I can not change it and it will forever eat away at me, today is my four week mark, I do not like Tuesday anymore I am scared facing the world alone he was my future, I try not to look past today but it is hard even just getting through the day takes so much energy, being in a world full of people who have their soulmates not that I would wish this on my worst enemy, when I hear about people passing now I feel pain for the people left behind something I never really did before people tell me they are sorry but they don't understand that doesn't help me it doesn't help my pain a co-worker about a week ago who I talk to alot but not necessarily a friend asked me how was I feeling and it annoyed me all I kept thinking was I don't have a cold my  husband is gone, or when people ask me how you doing it drives me crazy it is lik what do they expect me to say. I say surviving but I want to say I am empty,sad,lonely and lost I just want people to stop asking me like I am gonna ever be ok  I am different now I don't know how to move past my guilt I did not deserve his unconditional love but I got it and I was lucky to have him in my life.Thank you for listening 

[rdownes]

Margaret you are right about the bipolar he was so smart he had an answer for ever problem and could fix anything I was blessed to have him

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Rdowns,

I hate Tuesdays too.  It has been 25 Tuesdays since my husband died of suicide.  Today would have been our 36th anniversary.  Like you  wish that I could change things back to when life was good.  I carry a lot of guilt too but I'm learning that some of it isn't mine.  I'm 13 years older than you are but I can understand the feeling of living too long with all this pain; too long without their love.

Some days I take life moment to moment, other days I'm better and can manage the one day at a time.  This grief is a cruel thing.  Just as I was starting to feel better a big wave of sorrow crushed me and dragged me back to how I felt in the beginning.  Fortunately, that being pushed back doesn't last as long now.  It still hurts like it did then but, then it eases and we can move forward again.  I felt depressed by much of what I read about grief and how long it lasts.  That is why I see a therapist and come here.  I still have the total crap days where I wish ...  

Be gentle with yourself, that is great advice.  On Tuesday's I will think of you.

Marita

 

[Patty65]

I join the Tuesday club   16 weeks ago today for me.  I'm glad you found this place, Rdownes.  We are all hanging on day by day, I'm glad you found this place.  Sometimes I just leave it open to know its here.  Sometimes I disappear into my grief for a week, but always know its here.  It's an important place on this awful journey.  I hope you find it so.

Patty

[KATPILOT]

rdowns you mentioned about a co worker asking how you are doing and something I read in a blog on Widow's Voice and I can't remember who said it as it was so long ago but she told of how she was sad one day having been widowed for some time and her daughter asked "Mom, what's the matter?". She replied, "Your father is still dead". The facts never change and the sorrow goes on seemingly endless. Even though you have times when you don't hurt so bad, it still happens and people will continue to ask how you are. I think it is because they hope you have gotten past it so they can feel at ease about you. It's not always the case but many times it is.  And ladies, we will always have bad days but we will have good ones too. I am reminded of Joyce my grief counselor during that first year. She told me that after her husband had died she kept getting questioned at work about how she was doing. She got a little tag that she wore which said "I am having a" on the top pin and one that hung below it said "Good day" on one side and "Bad day" on the other. She knew that if the bad day was turned out, they stayed clear. I thought it was great.

[rdownes]

I find comfort in this place because everyone understands your pain and I hope to learn from others from their journey I like the sign idea except mine would say please don't ask me how I am doing maybe one day it will change but right now it feels like a forever sign.

[kayc]

Steve, when I was growing up, my mom was very moody.  We used to come down the stairs and peek around the corner to see how she was (good day or bad day).  If she was slamming things around, we KNEW what kind of a day it was and stayed clear as much as possible.  If she was humming or something, we knew we could proceed and enter the room.  I don't think most of us need to wear a sign to let others know if it's a good day or bad day...I think they'll pick up on it.

[Clematis]

Sounds rather treacherous; my mother was as well, but she was way more subtle; you could find yourself in rather deep before you realized it was a hazardous day to be out on that particular sea...

[kevin]

Good day verses bad day brings back memories. Didn't take long to figure that out, even at an early age.......We were fortunate, it was usually a parent thing and if we made ourselves scarce, things worked themselves out....Been awhile since I thought of those days............Welcome RDownes, this board will help you out...