Gentle With Ourselves

[KATPILOT]

I really, really, really had the same despair thing coming home.  That black hole Patty? That's where the demons live and Gwen, nights are when they hunt. I would like to say this is a natural thing in early grief but we are all different of course and there is no set time when you will start washing spoons again but it will happen. Please trust me. It will come to pass.

Gwen you sure have that right. The demons stay longer than the compassion from others. That's why we feel as if it will never get better.  But it does get better. I promise you this. For me and others I have met along this journey, the second year seemed worse than the first. I found my anguish easing in the third but I have seen others find it came sooner.

You can put a different spin on the "Eternal Flame". I see grieving souls as burning torches walking about as testaments to the great love each one represents. When a star dies, the pulsar goes on forever.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Maybe all we can do is not make it worse.

Sometimes that is how it is.  You are wise to point this out to yourself.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

The demons stay longer than the compassion from others.

It's true.  The thing is, we keep on living with this, long after people assume we're "over it".  That doesn't happen!

[scba]

Hello Gwen, I agree with Patty, be gentle probably means not making it worse and to hold on. I have discovered in my second year something that probably feels worse, that is the increasing missing of my boyfriend. I can feel pain, I can feel crazy, sad, numb and etc. But missing is constant, in good and bad times. I read here that things get better but the missing remains, and I don't see how this can be ok to live with. I can write paragraphs about signs of his presence in my life, I can talk alone, write letters, go to therapy but......this current state of things, his voice without a sound, his invisible presence, and it is not enough. Will it ever be enough, I mean that this is what it is? 

 

[MartyT]

I just read this piece by our friend Megan Devine, Gwen, and it made me think of you: A blink + an eternity: death, time, and change    

An excerpt:

 If you’re in that place where you feel instantly nauseous even thinking about a life without this pain that is evidence of love, please don’t worry. If you’re somewhere past those days, but life has not yet begun to move forward with you, please don’t worry. Life will unfold, and with it, your heart will find its own rhythm. It can’t be forced, and it also can’t be stopped.

Time will speed by, and time will stammer and stall. Both things are true. Your heart will find its own way. I can’t tell you any more than that. Only time will tell what this life becomes for you.

Staying true to yourself, holding fiercely to your own heart, your own core — these are the things that will guide you. One weird minute at a time.

♥

[KATPILOT]

This too will find a place on my fridge. By the way, I mount them on mat board and cut them with a little black bevel and don't you just love those peel and stick magnets?

[Margm]

Last night was so strange.  I looked at the strange ceiling, no TV, I had my Kindle.  I tried praying, I tried talking to Billy.  Nothing.  I think I must have been dead, no tears, Sad, but I have never been so alone.  Since he has been gone, I have never felt this way.  I cannot say how I felt. I think I was dead, not in heaven, not with Billy, just alone.  Not trying for pity, I did not pity myself, I was just dead but breathing.  First ttime for me.  I don't want this again.

[Margm]

"They have been gone forever and they were just right here."  I cannot copy on the Kindle.

[Gwenivere]

Thanks everyone on your input.  I wish I was alone in this sometimes because the thought of so many of you feeling so bad breaks my heart.  They say strength in numbers, but this is something we wouldn't wish on anyone.  And then, if one was alone feeling these things, it would be impossible to maintain ANY perspective.  Now there is a odd word to use.  

I ran into this article last night about the 2nd year.  I was particularly hit by the waiting references.  We are waiting, but we dontbknow for what.  

https://ptbertram.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/the-five-major-challenges-we-face-during-the-second-year-of-grief/

thank you, Marty for the other link.  Life does keep unfolding, I'm just not thrilled with what I keep finding behind the next door.  

Youre right about the demons, Kat.  They ate beyond house guests now, thier like squatters I can't evict.  Making themselves way too comfortable here.

[Gwenivere]

Speaking of spoons, keys in the freezer, ice cream where the keys go, etc......

[Gwenivere]

Marg, I am so sorry you had a bad, make that horrific night.  Just know you aren't alone about feeling like you are dead, alive but dead.  It's hell.

[Gin]

Marge,

i always felt that way..it seemed like they were gone forever and at the same time they were here today.

Gin

[KarenK]

Gwen,

The "waiting" sure hits home. I have mentioned before that I feel like my life is stuck in the "pending" mode. Maybe what we are waiting for is for our lives to have peace and meaning again.

[kayc]

Marg,

On my Kindle you select it, then press and hold down, then it give you a copy option, when you get where you want with it, press and hold, it'll give you a paste option...I think.

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Marg, I am so sorry you had a bad, make that horrific night.  Just know you aren't alone about feeling like you are dead, alive but dead.  It's hell.

I guess there are two sides to that though. I mean, I think it's more a question of feeling a vast emptiness inside. After all we do still feel. I get what you are saying though... it feels like a life you don't want to live. The whole "loneliness. emptiness, meaningless" syndrome.

But we are alive. And, I for one, want to live.

Yes, we are in a world of pain. Yes, we have no clue where this life will take us or if it will get better. And like all of us, I wish I could get my old life back with Tammy. But I'm living in a new, different world and I have to adapt. The hurt will always be there and I will miss being with Tammy forever. But truly, the one thing that even has me thinking at all hopefully, is that I did have my life with Tammy. I experienced the joy of being as one with someone. Unconditional love that was both given and received. Having a wife that serves as inspiration for what a courageous, selfless, loving and genuinely good human being is. Had I never experienced that (and I didn't before I met Tammy) my life would have always felt somewhat meaningless and empty. Empty, because I never experienced a joyful love like I did with my Tammy. 

Sure there are two side to that coin, too. That deep love means I grieve incredibly deeply. The tears come easily and there are my "step back" days when I wonder if I can go on, alone. But then, something else pops in my head. The realization that Tammy has made me a different person. I really do feel like a mixture of Tammy and Mitch. We did become as one. I do things in this new life through my eyes and Tammy's eyes. I think with my brain and hers intertwined. I'm trying to move forward in my life in a way that means Tammy and her one of a kind spirit will always live on.

I can't live my life in a state of constant depression or anger or anguish. I don't know about all of you, but I simply can't function or survive like that. And I know Tammy would never want that to be my life. So, I go about my days doing the best I can and honoring Tammy the best I can. The sadness and the grief will be a part of this new life for as long as I live. The tears will always stream down my face. I will always yearn for Tammy and the hurt will always be there. But, the thing is, I was so blessed to have Tammy in my life. So proud to call her my wife. I know we had a love and a love story for the ages. And no one can ever take that away!

I love my sweet Tammy forever and always. She is and always will be my inspiration.

 

[Margm]

You know I try for the funny most of the time.  Could not find it last night.  I got up this morning, waiting for the cable guy, and I have got to tell you that I know all about that wonderful fellow's family, all his aunts, his stepgrandmother (his favorite), his brother that was not a nice fellow, and he really met a bad end, a policeman brother and his son who is the quarterback for a team that almost made state last year.  You know, I have been thinking I would go watch some games, but I was thinking "we" because Billy and I followed the football.  Could not afford games that first football season after marriage,  but you got in free at the half and a relative took the boys to state and won.  Unfortunately, he passed away a young man.  On that cheery note, I will say I enjoyed the "cable man" and he was a nice fellow.  

While waiting for him I checked all the window locks and they were all loose.  I hope that means there was no need for safe ones.  Whatever it meant, I fixed everyone of them.  Now, I was not afraid last night really, I'm sure I was sad, I was alone for the first time so maybe I had too much time to think, or not think, whatever that crazy woman that was trying out the new futon was doing.

Now the futon.  It is great for looks.  I wanted the Walmart one, but I would have had to put it together.  I have a smaller futon from Walmart that Scott put together (after me having it a couple of months).  It is comfortable and a lot cheaper than the delivered one.  I put four comforters on the top of it before I could sleep on it.  I'll bet it won't support company for long.  (I will buy about 3-4 inches of foam to put on top and keep it behind the futon while it is used as a couch.  

We (my granddaughter and I), we drove to Arkansas and got here before dark.  I am going to go at this place like a mad woman tomorrow (that should not take much effort), but tonight I am one tired..........person.  Got two big pieces of furniture we cannot move, a couch that makes into a bed, a nice one, and a huge wooden desk in the living room.  Granddaughter taking the pictures, daughter putting them on swap shop for give away.  That will take a lot away.

I have been at this forever it seems and there are huge plastic boxes with tops piled on top of each other.  I will then hire someone to come in and help me finish up.  My son is in Louisiana and that helps because now I can get rid of things that were used for their housekeeping.  I was at a standstill.  Then the movers and real estate lady.  

[Gin]

Marg,.  I do not envy you.  You are doing great!  I doubt I could do all that.  I have lived in my house for over 50 yrs.. I figure my kids will have to throw all the stuff away after I am gone.

Gin

[Margm]

Gin, we only lived 10 years here.  Before retirement we got used to living in an RV.  We had about 6-7 years of that, but only one full year of traveling.  Of course, we went from one RV Park to another north, east, west, south of where we worked.  It was fun.  The only house I ever cried over leaving was when we sold our 5th wheel in 1998.  

We had gotten rid of things before we moved into the RV's.  But, accumulated about 17 years worth since retirement.  We have a big house and a big family, and we were a storage unit for a lot of people.

Our kids grew up in one house, graduated high school living in that house.  In the meantime we built a small house on the lake.  After our daughter graduated we planned on living on the lake.  We were both too much like gypsies and did not want to stay anywhere for a long time, hence the RV.  I go through each day wishing we could turn back time, maybe if we had bought a small farm instead, maybe a townhouse (that would never have suited Billy), he liked to be in the woods and on the lakes.

Cannot change time.   

[Gwenivere]

1 minute ago, Gwenivere said:

3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I really do feel like a mixture of Tammy and Mitch. We did become as one. I do things in this new life through my eyes and Tammy's eyes. I think with my brain and hers intertwined. 

Ugh.....software.  Anyway, this is really poignant what you wrote, Mitch.  I know I am a mixture.  So many of my thoughts and approaches to problems are how we did things.  Its engrained in me now.  It's only things that we never experienced together I have to figure it out now.  And even then I look to his thought processes as I weigh my options or decisions.  How would WE handle a situation?  The few times I could not find that I freaked, but eventually did.  I like it because we made such a great team.  He would often tell me he would think that way too.  What I would do taken into account.

[Margm]

I think often of Billy saying that I was him and he was me.    One of these days when I can settle down and really think, maybe that will bring comfort.  We started out in a two bedroom apartment, I will end up in a two bedroom apartment, so maybe he is there with me like when "we" began.

[Margm]

On 6/21/2016 at 4:51 AM, Gwenivere said:

The fear.  Is there something wrong with me neurologically or is this devastation?  

Gwen, I kept thinking about something Steve said to Brad all the way home yesterday.  I was so tired (I had taken Bri shopping at Kohl's) before we left Shreveport.  The coming home from work traffic was horrendous and all we had was road construction every direction we went. I-20, I knew was closed to one lane traffic knew it was backed up for miles.  But, I had a trick, I would go highway 80. (Yep, other people knew that route too, backed up for miles.) This took me by where Billy had worked for 38 years.  It took me by our first apartment, the many times we had made the trip and Billy was tired, but rather than stop at a  motel, we pushed on.  He was on my mind the whole trip.  There was not a single place that I looked that did not remind me of him.  I was so tired, just holding onto the steering wheel was torture but I had my granddaughter with me.  We kept a steady stream of dialogue going about movies, TV shows, songs from my "time" and her liking the groups from the 1980's.  But still, he was right there, not so much feeling him, just feeling the sights and  sounds we had gone over and through.  Every bend in the road was a trigger.  

Then the fear, reminded me of an old song we used to hear, an old refrain from that song "Please Mr. Custer,, I don't want to go."  I hated seeing that state line sign.  That sign did not kill Billy.  So many things did though.  And still, when I mention his age, at 75 he supposedly lived a long life. I remember thinking when my dad passed away at 64, he had lived a long life.  Now, I think he was a young man.  No, Billy cannot be gone, he was just here yesterday.  

When we got to this house, you could tell the doors had been left open to move things out.  Must have been late at night. (This happens sometimes when other family members make their home with you.) We were engulfed with those night bugs that come to the lights.  Bri is scared of bugs so it was a long fight to remove them all.  I was "glistening" (or is that glowing Marty?) by the time the broom and my grasping them with paper towels (I don't like bugs either), and I noticed it was 79 degrees in the house.  The AC was in a continuous run but no cool air.  Where was Billy?  He was the one who always knew what to do.  I changed AC filter (gotta remember to do this if you live alone girls).  Then I remembered he blew into a pipe because the thing would freeze up sometimes.  I have no air for blowing into a balloon, much less an unknown pipe.  I turned something off up on the AC inside (I remembered him doing this.).  I jiggled and juggled, (my mechanical words) and eventually got the thing working right.  Temp started coming down and we slept cool.  . 

Gotta hurry and leave, this is a house, our house, not a rent house, and Billy is not here to be responsible with me.  Renting, it is someone else's responsibility, not mine;.  

Nothing wrong neurologically Gwen.  It is the devastation.  I kept telling myself yesterday, I am not a child, I am responsible for this life in this vehicle with me and she is not afraid, she trusts me, so why can't I trust myself?  I have to.   

[mittam99]

Marg, you often speak of not "feeling" Billy and I guess I don't understand what you mean. I've talked about incidents that have given me hope that Tammy's essence, her "life force", if you will, still exists. But it's not as if I somehow feel her presence in a physical sense. We're not talking seances and ghosts here. It just gives me a measure of comfort and hope that Tammy and I will reunite some day.

I think it all goes back to love and becoming as one with your soul mate. Tammy is inside me, and I'm alive, therefore Tammy lives. I live my life doing things with Tammy always on my mind. So, in that sense, I "feel" Tammy.

I think our definition of "feeling" our lost soul mate must differ. 

[MartyT]

21 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 I kept telling myself yesterday, I am not a child, I am responsible for this life in this vehicle with me and she is not afraid, she trusts me, so why can't I trust myself?  I have to.   

I read this just now, Marg, and I think it relates well to this matter of trusting yourself: Feeling Secure Vs. Being Secure  ♥

[KATPILOT]

Marge, Billy was turning off the air and leaving just the fan to run most likely for that helps melt the ice built up in the coils. This is often a result in humid air but can happen any time. Something that can be done from the thermostat in the house. Just saying. Yeah, somebody yelled attack and there we stood with an arrow in our back! Right?

Triggers are around every turn. After Kathy died and I had to drive up to Calgary (a very long drive) and this time I was doing it alone, I had two days of tears with my triggers. Nothing ever felt so wrong as that drive. Then I had to drive back with as many personal items as I could fit in. When I got to the US border coming home, I could hardly put my foot on the gas to leave customs. I could feel the triggers waiting for me. 

[KATPILOT]

Mitch you really understand something. I see things much the same. Every decision you ever make will be made by a product of the two of you. It's how we decided things before they died and it's how we decide them today only now we don't ask them what they think. It has become second nature.