Need to let this out!

[rdownes]

I am sharing this because I feel very close to you all, I  feel like I need to be completely honest about Kevin, and why my guilt is so strong, I just walked into my house and a song was on the radio and one of the lyrics had "you were asking for it " I lost it you see yes I was stressed due to my working and the bills but there is more to it with Kevin's bipolar came addictions to self medicate first it was alcohol which he stopped in 2004 them about five years ago it turned to addiction to pain killers it has always been something for us I could never give up on him or leave him my love was to strong and everything I wrote about how he felt was all the way he was, he tried so hard but his addition always got the best of him he was doing good he was two months clean when he passed, anyways he would always lie to me about using which I always new when he was do one day sitting outside I said Lord please help me give me a sign I just don't know what to do anymore I love him but I can't do it anymore, two months later he is gone was this gods way of help because if it was it was not what I wanted I did not ask for this I wanted my Kevin better not gone, I was not comfortable sharing this st first, I did not want Kevin to be judged or thought of as anything less than the man who loved me unconditionally, we still don't know why he passed away in our living room, I just needed to share

[enna]

Dear Robin,

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us.  One thing that has always made me feel comfortable about this forum is that it is a safe place for us to come and share what is most precious to us ~ our love for our soulmates or loved ones.

I truly do not believe that our thoughts cause bad things to happen. Our thoughts and feelings are just that ~ thoughts and feelings. How can we wish anything “bad” to happen to someone we love!  Each one of us is filled with imperfections. That is what being human means. If your Kevin was not as perfect as you think he needed to be then all of us share the same thought. Each one of us is an imperfect being living in an imperfect world. And yes, I believe that our spouses loved as best they knew how. 

[MartyT]

Robin, my dear, there are no judgments here. If you had that kind of power, you could just as easily have wished your Kevin to be alive and well. We just don't have that kind of power over life or death. When we love another person, we love what is best in that person, and we do our best to overlook their human flaws and frailties ~ and we all have them. Your love for Kevin was selfless, genuine and pure, and that is all that matters.  ♥

[Margm]

39 minutes ago, MartyT said:

human flaws and frailties ~

Robin, I still have so much guilt about the morning Billy passed away.  I missed my last chance to hold him, it was offered and I turned my back because I did not want him to give up.  The good Lord knows I never meant to let him slip away like that.  Where ever Billy is, I hope he can understand why I was angry.  It is hard to live with sometimes, and everyone else can tell you to forgive yourself, and honestly, that is what has to be done.  It is hard though, take it from someone who has not forgiven herself.  I just have to numb-down at times.  I know it takes time.  

[kayc]

Robin,

I agree with the others, that his death had nothing to do with you.  George also had an addiction, which he came clean with me about and was in rehab and getting help.  He was doing everything humanly possible to lick it and I believe he would have, he'd overcome much worse in his life.  Yet he died.  His heart surgeon assured me that his heart problems had nothing to do with it.  Sometimes it just is what it is.  Please let go of your concerns about guilt, you don't deserve to carry that.  You were there by his side and you love him and would have him back in a heart beat, if only you could...same as me.  None of us were married to perfect people, nor are we perfect, we're all human.  I wish our bodies could last longer, that's all!

[Gin]

I have a lot of problems with guilt, too. Maybe I should have changed doctors.  He had so many health issues...quintuple bypass, pacemaker defibrillator, artificial arteries to feed blood to his legs, diabetes, gout, heart failure.  And probably more.  We thought we were winning the battles.  He came through so many surgeries that I was sure he would get through this, also.  He wanted to come home and I convinced him to get nourishment to get stronger.  Then he would go to rehab and come home.  I was wrong.   I should have brought him home and get hospice.

[kayc]

Gin, George was scheduled for a quintuple bypass the day after he died...only he didn't make it that long.  I always felt I should have harped on him harder to switch doctors, maybe they would have discovered it sooner.   But they didn't know...WE didn't know!  I wish George could have died at home instead of the hospital, but then I'd probably be feeling guilty about that.  We can't win.  No matter what we'd have done, it still could have had the same result.

[mittam99]

Robin, no one here will judge you or Kevin. We are all humans beings and we are all flawed. The bottom line is that you loved Kevin and the pain of losing him overwhelms. We all go through those regrets, the guilt, the why questions, the "if-only's", the coulda woulda shouldas. The list of thoughts that go through our heads is unending and at times, unbearable.

None of us would purposely do or say anything that we thought would lead to our beloved's demise.

Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. It's important to sometimes let those painful thoughts be heard by others who understand the anguish of grief.

 

[rdownes]

Thank you all for listening I had to let it out. I was doing so good with the guilt I haven't felt the need to apologize everyday anymore it is just the lyrics brought back that day and I felt so overwhelmed and I wanted to be honest about Kevin I feel like I have a family here who understands and and even though the reason we are here sucks I am happy to have found it.

[iPraiseHim]

Robin,

I believe many of us go through these thoughts and think, "if only, I coulda, If on they woulda..) I am at times, grasping for straws in trying to make sense out of the sudden death of my wife.  I am, at times, trying to replay in my mind anything I could have done or not do that would have altered the events and changed her from death to life.  It is a painful and trying process.  People can try to encourage you, but eventually, I am growing to accept the fact that all of these events, even this group, is all a part of my grief healing journey.  It doesn't take away the pain or the grief but it is helping me to see the bigger picture in life and death.  Praying for healing rest, comfort and peace for your journey and everyone who reads this.  This is the safe place to share those deep thoughts with this group who cares and understand you.  Shalom   

[KATPILOT]

Sometimes George I do that too but then I also wonder if I had done something differently the outcome might have still been the same and hindsight is just one more avenue for guilt.

[kayc]

Sometimes I think we overthink it in our search to find a reason to the "why" they died.  
The only thing I learned is there is no answer to the "why", at least none that I've found.

I've learned it does no good to beat ourselves up over what we couldn't foresee or change.  We loved them more than anything in the world, pure and simple.

[mittam99]

You're right Kay we all definitely "overthink" our loved ones passing but how could we not? There we were living our life with the one person that meant more to us than anyone else and in a flash, they were gone from our lives.

Even though it's been over 16 months, the idea that someone as loving and cheerful and sweet and full of life as Tammy could die still bewilders me. I just came home from work and it hit me so hard today. I still don't understand why this happened. I want it all to be a bad dream and I want to go back in time and be with my precious Tammy again.

I've learned that I can't dwell on those overwhelmingly sad thoughts 24/7. I would be a basket case. I have to feel that pain in smaller doses. After all, I still have a life to live and I need to function and try to be somewhat productive.  This grief journey is a bit of a balancing act. I have to feel the pain of losing Tammy but I also have to move forward in my new life without her. I have to live this new life honoring her as best I can but I can't overload my mind with thoughts of March 6, 2015.

Grieving is hard work.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

This is a community that is my saving grace.  I come here sometimes just to feel like part of something, to not be alone.  Sometimes I just read and sometimes I comment on other's posts.  Sometimes I start a topic.  Being here is safe and that is comforting, I come to continue to heal.

George you have said it best in this comment:

14 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

Robin,

I believe many of us go through these thoughts and think, "if only, I coulda, If on they woulda..) I am at times, grasping for straws in trying to make sense out of the sudden death of my wife.  I am, at times, trying to replay in my mind anything I could have done or not do that would have altered the events and changed her from death to life.  It is a painful and trying process.  People can try to encourage you, but eventually, I am growing to accept the fact that all of these events, even this group, is all a part of my grief healing journey.  It doesn't take away the pain or the grief but it is helping me to see the bigger picture in life and death.  Praying for healing rest, comfort and peace for your journey and everyone who reads this.  This is the safe place to share those deep thoughts with this group who cares and understand you.  Shalom   

I am wishing and praying with you on this one George 

[rdownes]

I  am working on stopping with the why because I know that question will never get an answer it was just a bad day I know I did not cause Kevin's death it is just I was thinking if God caused it because of what I said as his answer, George you are so right this is all part of our grief journey I will find my peace one day, I will live with Kevin in my heart and I will learn to   live my life again with his spirit right by my side I know I have a long journey ahead but grief will not win , Mich I am so sorry today was such a hard day for you what you said is so true this grief journey is way to hard and sometimes it overwhelms us but we will all have our soulmates with us forever maybe not physically but they will be right by our side and in our hearts, I to come on this site just to read, I post alot but this is the only place that understands what I am going through, Kaycee yes so true I loved Kevin with my soul.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Take the time to care for yourself.  If you don't do it now it will be more difficult later.

we here care  

[rdownes]

I think that since Kevin passed my taking care of myself has drastically reduced I work to jobs, I can't fall asleep before 4 and I get up at six, I can be so tired at work but then I get home and go into my Kevin mode, I listen to his voice message,I talk to him. I listen to his music sleep is definitely not a friend to me.

[KATPILOT]

Sleep may not be your friend Robin but it needs to be. It's imperative to get more than two hours a night. Grief is a job too and a bigger one than your other two. Your number one goal should be to find the time to do make sleep happen. A mild sleep aid just may do the trick to allow yourself to give up a small amount of Kevin mode and it's okay to do that. He's not going anywhere and while you are sleeping, he may be closer to you than you might think.

[kayc]

I so agree!  I worked a fulltime job and a parttime job when George died and sometimes only got a couple of hours of sleep...looking back I wish I'd taken the sleeping pills my doctor offered to prescribe, it might have helped me to think more clearly.

[rdownes]

I know I need more sleep but it is like I need to do all the things I do everyday I need to never forget his voice what he  look like, I need his music to feel like he is here, I know everyone says I will not forget but I need to make sure I don't.

[iPraiseHim]

16 hours ago, rdownes said:

I think that since Kevin passed my taking care of myself has drastically reduced I work to jobs, I can't fall asleep before 4 and I get up at six, I can be so tired at work but then I get home and go into my Kevin mode, I listen to his voice message,I talk to him. I listen to his music sleep is definitely not a friend to me.

I went through the same thing.  Caring friends here suggested I see my doctor to ask for something to help my mind to relax so I could sleep.   I did not want to take any sleeping pills. I believe I took ativan for a couple of weeks.  It allowed my mind to calm down and get good sleep.  Lack of sleep can cause some serious health issues over time.  Please, consider seeking help with this.  Grief is hard enough to deal with.  Lack of sleep adds another level of stress on your body.You deserve some good rest.  Shalom - George  

[KATPILOT]

Kay forgetting her scared me at first too but that ended a while back. Perhaps because there are so many things around me like photographs and things she made with her hands but the music? That's the most important part of all. More times than I can say I wondered what she was thinking while listening to certain songs. I feel I knew her quite well and lived with her long enough to feel much the same when I listen. Music is a strong stimulus for emotion.  Has anyone else found themselves coming unglued in a grocery store over a music trigger being played?    It always meant so much to both of us and I'm speaking mostly of the lyrics.  Music speaks to my soul. I connect with her most of all when I listen. One thing I like is how the English language gets completely trashed in modern lyrics. I love that for I still understand the meaning.

I still have a problem with remembering her as that vibrant young woman of 51 for now as I approach six years which makes me seventeen years older, she stays the same and I keep getting older and older.  I know when I leave this body all used up, my spirit will be completely different but I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this one.

We were supposed to grow old together.

 

 

[Margm]

We did grow old together, but I never felt old until he left.  I love the picture and happy times.  

[kayc]

I always loved that picture of you and Kathy, Stephen.

Robin, it's been 11 years for me and I've never forgotten his voice, his smell, how it felt when he held me.  You can allow yourself to go to sleep at night, don't worry, you won't forget him.  I urge you to see your doctor about your lack of sleep and not let it go on any longer, it's hard enough grieving but we need all the help we can get with our brains!

[rdownes]

That is an amazing picture Steve it truly radiates your love, I feel the same about music Kevin's music tells his life story,a couple of times I have heard songs in places and started crying, I was thinking the same thing Kevin will forever stay 47 and I will get older. I honestly thought for a moment would he still love me being old. if I can't start sleeping I think I will have to do something I just don't like drugs, last night I guess the weeks of no sleep hit me I told Kevin I love and miss you but I can't do this tonight and I crashed at 9:30,Kayc I pray you are right, my grandfather passed when I was 10 and I can't barely remember anything.