Widowedbysuicide

My place isn't in great shape AND my hostess skills are nonexistent. I get too stressed thinking about it.

Thanks KayC

This is beautifully done. Has anyone here added their fur family member? I just lost another dear old fur friend /family member on Sunday. Sending love to you Vex. Look for Gord, Dakota is with him and so are several of your kitty friends. Gord has apples and carrots to give you. Huge hugs old boy. Sexy Vexy was a handsome sorrel horse who gave lots of love everywhere he went. He was a therapy horse for a time. He brought a selectively mute child (this girl had been living without speaking for more than four years after a physically abusive life) back to the world of speech. It brings me to tears just thinking about all the wonderful things he did in his lifetime.

Wow Anne you are an inspiration! I'm going to print you comment to look at when I feel like I have no life. You are amazing! Thank you for commenting such wonderfully uplifting activities.

I hope I never have the worries some of you have with your adult children. That has to be so distressing. KayC I hope you see my previous comments. I do thank you and Marg for your caring comments. ? to you both.

Marg I'm sorry that my comments were not worded better. Sometimes I find it really difficult to express my thoughts in a clear manner. Write and rewrite. Wish I could rewrite the last 13+ months ? Although I think that this current life is not worth it or too painful to live I can not subject my son to the horror of another parent committing suicide. Trust me, I know it is not easy living with all of the repercussions of being a survivor of your spouse's suicide. But to have both parents do that would push him over the edge. I will not be that cruel and that is why I seek help when I start to think about joining my husband. My struggle for balance is more about being the person I can be proud to be. The me that is the nasty itch with a B isn't something that I am proud of. My husband helped me in so many ways, one of which was helping me to assert myself in a way that I was not upset about but got my point across. With him gone it is not easy to 'play nice'. It is easy to be agressive and lash out, however; I need to redirect my energy to something constructively satisfying. I have all of the following to live for and to do - my son, ??,???, ??, ?, ?, and sewing.

The wondering about what will happen when I pass has caused me to be a person I do not know and do not like. Now that I have figured out what topics set the other me in motion I do my very best to avoid them. Sometimes it works and then other times it doesn't and the tormented me reveals a selfish narcissistic shrew. Spending time alone at least prevents the world from the worst of my grief. I sure don't want to live the rest of my life without him. He made me a better person. I'm almost 60 and my parents lived into their 90's. 30 more years of this is not something to look forward to. There have been many times in the last 13 months where following him seems like the salve for my pain. I have called 911 and the crisis lines because I don't want to leave my son (29 yrs old) in the same way his Dad did. Obsessing about suicide is something that I have done for many years. Life is hard but death is unknown. I struggle to find balance.

I don't have anyone to lie to. If I did I don't know what I would do. Perhaps a lie by omission; telling them that I would prefer not to talk about it.

I am feeling the same way as you Numb and Lost. I wonder when I will feel the comfort from old photos and memories.

Finch you need to know that I understand your physical pain and I'm sorry for that. Your emotional pain is something different. I think that your circumstances of not being with or near Crystal near the end are probably a torment that is overwhelming. I know some of the pain of not knowing how our loved one suffered but I had so many years of togetherness that I can remember and gain some courage from. Thinking of you my friend.

Thank you Finch. I'm sorry for your pain too.

The day of the original post was what would have been my husband's 58th birthday and it was 13 months since his suicide. Some things are less difficult but nothing is actually better. The obvious external crying is less frequent but on the inside it is always just below the surface. He was my hero, my everything. I have temporary joy. Sadly when I realize that is what I'm feeling the feeling turns to guilt. I know that feeling/thinking that way is not helpful and I'm working at learning to accept the joy. I believe that I am working through my grief and that someday I will feel like things are better and there is more to be joyful about. I hope you find something here that helps you to find some comfort. Also, don't force yourself to do or feel anything that you aren't ready for. Grief suddenly smacks you in the face with the force of a tornado. It is often unexpected and you really don't get time to adjust to the idea of it before you are suffering with it. It truly is a journey of moment to moment, one step at a time. I'm sorry that you are feeling as you do.

My chest tightens so much when I think about my husband suffering and planning his death. It's one of those if only situations. So sorry my love, I wish you could have confided in me. ? Some of the time my mental pain is torture but the physical pain is frightening. I do hope this part of grief will subside soon.

Dear George, I wish I had the words to comfort you, I am sure today is a very difficult one. You have given so much of yourself on here and helped me many, many times. I wish that I could do something for you. ? Thank you for your kindness and thoughtful comments and suggestions. When I see a plane pass by I think of you and wonder how your flight plans are coming.

All my prayers to you and your family Butch. I hope that life is on an upswing for you all. ?

? I'm sorry that you are feeling so incomplete. I am still feeling that way ater 13 months. We just have to keep going.

I hope this birthday brings you some comfort in knowing how many of us here you have helped. Spoil yourself today.

I can understand some of your pain on this day. ? It can't be easy for you. Hugs from across the sea ?

Must be a glitch... Sorry for the previous post saying nothing. Life is hard and living without the one we love is harder. Hugs to you ?

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I am so sorry for the pain you are enduring right now. I remember being in that part of my grief journey and feeling much the same as you. People here understand how much has been lost and how impossible the future seems. Take care of yourself so that you don't become sick. Come here to talk whn you need to. Someone is always listening/reading. ?

Thanks George. I am looking so forward to flying upon my horses back and hope to hear of you flying in the sky.

So sorry George. Thinking of you ✈ hoping for you to have a better month than you anticipate.

Thanks Marg. Woodstove on and no power loss (yet).

My current hell is 18" of snow and it is still falling. I can't keep up with it so I've given up trying. ⛄