If You're Going Through Hell

[scba]

As per a good advise from Marty, I started to consume less news. And I feel better. And I will keep my opinions about current affairs for myself. I stopped sharing my views on social media too. And I will try to divert my curiosity on new fields. I have recently visited a museum of geology. I have no idea about rocks, but I will start to read more. 

[Margm]

Ana, there is a picture I love..  It is a cow stuck right in the middle of a fence.  I associate with that cow.  I hate politics, something I don't understand..  I hear right and I hear wrong, and I learned when I first got married that religion and politics are two things that should not be discussed on public forums like this.  I was so surprised to hear my dad and my new husband in heated discussions about such things.  My sister would argue with my dad, go to her room and shut the door and he would go outside her window and keep fussing.  I thought that was comical.  

Okay, no music, voices droning on and on in the background.  Now I will look for that folder that I have conveniently hidden from myself, but this time of year is necessary.  I have no clue which box I put it in.  Hate to go through boxes.  Back on track anyhow.

[Margm]

There is a subject on here I wish I had not got involved in.  Brought back bad memories.  I had a long life with Billy.  Lots of mistakes, lots of living, lots of regretting, but lots more love.  He would not have stayed with me if he had not loved me.  Our kids were grown, we were still enablers, but they did not hold us together, we held us together through the bad and the good, through sickness, health, and death.  He is still part of me.  GriefShare was not for me.  Someone else maybe.  I got no help meeting once a week.  I would go and leave hurting more than when I arrived.  It was not just for widows.  I do receive by email a passage each night and I do sometimes get something from that.  Last night was this wisdom.

"Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there."

“I often tell people that there are three stages you need to think about: You can’t go back. You can’t stay here. You must go forward,” says Dr. Ray Pritchard. “There may be some good things in the past that you wish you could go back to, but in the end you have to let those go.”

 This is a hard thing to do, sometimes seems impossible, but as stubborn as I am, even I know it to be true.  Doing it is a whole "nuther thing." 

[kayc]

Marg,

I'm sorry some painful memories were stirred up.  I agree with your quote 

22 hours ago, Marg M said:

"Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day..."

 

[Margm]

I wrote on wrong post, had to delete.  

Went to doc yesterday, real family practice doc (my second visit).  She is young, I don't think she has come on a patient like me. (Not many doctors have).  My visit was only a checkup on meds.  She was really surprised that her #2 for refills for Xanax had been interpreted as 5 by Walmart pharmacy.  She does not believe in giving them.  The short story is my insides have had the maximum amount of radiation it can have years and years ago.  No, it has not regenerated normal tissue.  Then in 2014, the colon ruptured and I had overall sepsis and it was not sure if I would make it.  It was no walk in the park for about six months, a new derived tube instead of a colostomy (which all his colleagues advised), but it has worked for me for three years. (Tube removed). No lifting heavy objects, take temperature ever so often and take Miralax nightly.  Nutritionist (hospital) could not believe the low residue diet was a lifetime thing for me, but he assured her it was, though I can have wheat bread.  New doc does not believe it either.  Wish I could be a fly on the wall listening to my surgeon talk to her.  He had to have anger management, (did not get along with hospital employees) but he is the best surgeon (to me) in the world.  He does not suffer fools.  He also told me that I scared him, so he fixed me and follow-up was nil.  

This doc cannot understand me not being able to take other meds.  Gave me new antidepressant.  What the hell, new generation, smallest dose.  Last night temperature went up to 101.8, I had chills and Miralax not helping.  I don't like to look at complications of medications because I will develop them (hypochondriac).  This morning at 4:00 a.m. temp was high and I read complications.  First one was constipation.  I sure would like to take the antidepressant, but won't take another one.

Also, you remember how we brought illness to all the Native Americans and wiped out tribes because they had not been around so many people.  Yesterday Bri and I went to "big city."  Got her some new clothes, big department store, then visited the big Target, so we were around lots of people.  Not the first time I have gotten sick being around lots of people.  No fever right now, but no help from the Miralax.  

Yes, I had wanted to follow Billy, but my main goal now is to keep my granddaughter safe.  This has shaken me up for sure.  First time I have been sick since the colon rupture.

[Gwenivere]

You really have been thru the mill, Marg.  I am the sickest I've been in I don't know how long right now and alone.   It's like the flu, pneumonia and gastroenteritis all in one.  It's so scary not having someone here because I get a racing mind too and try to avoid the internet because that will really scare you too about symptoms.  Don't blame you at all for ditching the antidepressant.  They can be hell to adapt to on someone's best day.  I have to my Xanax daily too and I'm so tired as it is, but won't add panic attacks on top of this.  I had to cancel all my volunteering so I haven't seen anyone I know personally in days.  It might not  be much, but those few hours of contact made a world of difference.  This is an ultimate challenge as I face a 4th day 'in the hole'.

[Margm]

Gwen, this won't make you feel any better, but the doc said flu-like symptoms were rampant right now.  I have noticed my ear has started hurting and I do have MD prescribed ear drops.  I am fixing to go to bed also, and that is something I don't do.  We do have to take care of ourselves though.  We are the only ones who can.   Good luck with yours and let us know how you are doing.  If you have Netflix watch Grace and Frankie.  Laughing at them makes me feel better.  One show, I think the last one from last season had them starting a company for "electrical" toys for old women with arthritis.  It is so far fetched it is funny and really, sometimes laughter is the best medicine.  Honestly, some of these things I like, Billy would not have liked at all, so I just laugh with myself. There is a new one called "Schitt's Creek" and sometimes it is very funny.  The father and son that star are father and son in real lift.  Kinda far fetched, but some funny moments.

 

[Gin]

Gwen,

Sure hope you feel better soon.  I had the gastro problems but was lucky it only lasted 2 days.  It sure stinks to be alone and not even see anyone for days.

[Gin]

Marge,

Hope you feel better and get some good laughs tonight!

[kayc]

Marg and Gwen,

I hope both of you start feeling better!  It's discouraging to not feel good.

I woke up this morning and my eye cyst has returned.    Will up my dosage of eye drops and see what happens.  I had 19 days without it, very short lived.

[Margm]

Kay, have you had your eye surgery?  I have not searched to see if you have had it yet.  I sure hate having anything happen to me, nothing at all, I do so want to watch my granddaughter get on her own without someone pushing her.  I have to get her on my insurance as her mother is moving.  

Oh, no more fever.  I tried to explain to the doc there were very few meds I could take.  She has never had a patient like me before.  One you want to help, but you need to leave alone.  I have a regimen I have to follow but she is right, I could lose weight with this diet if I used it kinda like the Atkins diet.  I can have meat, but I sure would miss my potatoes.  Just double my string beans I guess.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

My current hell is 18" of snow and it is still falling.  I can't keep up with it so I've given up trying. ⛄

[Margm]

Marita, you must live in a winter wonderland.  Vancouver Island sounds like that to me.  But, at my age, I don't need it.  I came in from the store and turned on the ceiling fan.  It is raining here and I am careful.  Vancouver Island was on our bucket list till we threw the bucket away.  Stay in, stay warm.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thanks Marg.  Woodstove on and no power loss (yet).

[Margm]

Sounds warm and snug.  Make soup and don't go outside.  All we have is rain.  I did turn off ceiling fan.  

[HisWife]

Marg, you said this was just your second visit with this new doctor. Did you not have a primary care doctor prior to her? It sounds like she spoke with your surgeon but doesn't believe him. I'm not a proponent of "doctor shopping" at all but I've learned that my health comes first. So if a doctor gives me an indication that he/she finds my case or special needs hard to believe, I would need to find another doctor I would have confidence in. Can your surgeon just not take care of your scrips?

[Margm]

I think I went over the whole boring story above.  But, I don't think doctors listen too much.  If you find one who does, keep him and hope he is always there.  My family practice in AR treated my fever, they were treating a UTI, but the sepsis had already started.  Even when they know you they screw things up.  They now have to see so many patients, I don't know how they keep up with them anyhow.  Billy's checkup doctor (twice a year) never sent us a bill.  He was almost like family and I know after Billy passed away, one of those times if he had read his LFT's, we might have caught the cancer in time.  Maybe not, because it was all over him.  We cannot look back.  There were other things that we thought was his herniated disks in his back.  Cannot second guess when they are gone.  

[Autumn2]

Thanks Marg M. I really needed something other than super Bowl which I always watched with hubby...no romance, no sadness, not today. Do like Grace and Frankie but looked for Schitts Creek...funny, dumb, stupid...perfect! What I needed today.

[Margm]

You described it exactly.  It is funny, dumb, and stupid, and that is perfect.  We live in reality and in Grace and Frankie, her being given the "toy" and then they decide to start a business for arthritic women that use these "toys."  It was dirty and stupid enough that it was funny.  Every stupid scene was funny and even though my straight laced friends would not touch it, it helped me more than anything had.  I could laugh.  Schitts Creek is funny to me because of the son and father.  And, it is so unbelievable that it has to be funny like a dirty "Green Acres."  And you are too young to remember that.  It had Eva Gabor in it and she still wore her Park Ave. clothes even inside the run down shack they decided to get away from the city, town of Hooterville.  Cannot imagine back then some of the situations in our comedies now.  Just something that you know is so stupid you don't have to think about anything else.  

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Marg M said:

Kay, have you had your eye surgery?  I have not searched to see if you have had it yet.

Ten days before the surgery I woke up and it appeared to be gone.  I knew the sac was there but empty, I canceled the surgery.  19 days went by free from it, then yesterday I woke up and it was back.  I am upping the eye drops for now but I can't get more because they're $411 and my insurance won't cover it.  I know I'll have to reschedule surgery eventually but was hoping to at least make it past winter first, we'll see.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

My current hell is 18" of snow and it is still falling.  I can't keep up with it so I've given up trying. ⛄

I'm so sorry, I had a lot of snow a couple weeks ago, just got the rest of it out of my driveway yesterday, it's supposed to start snowing again this morning, ugh!  It's a four letter word and I can't wait until Spring/Summer! 

[Autumn2]

Yes Marg M it was stupid, dumb, etc. but like I said what I needed. And I definitely know Green Acres. Maybe I will look for that too. It is just where I need to be right now. Any other thoughs of mindlessness that is not violent, political, romantic or sad...just maybe dull is the right word.

[Margm]

With politics as they are right now, my mind needs to rest in something I don't have to do anything but laugh about.  I saw where you stood up for yourself in selling your car.  When I bought my new car I knew the most I wanted to pay.  I believe at first they saw a widow, and we don't like to see people that would be so heartless they would take advantage of a widow.  They came to me with me paying over $200 a month what I had figured.  So, I was leaving.  I waved those people off, it was raining, I could not go out to my truck.  They brought me another estimate, I told them I was late for appointment with Nissan place.  I was not bargaining with them on purpose.  They sent another team out with an estimate below what I had figured in the first place.  I don't know if I did right.  Billy would have wanted Toyota.  This was Toyota.  We are alone now.  They told me not to make any big decisions so the first thing I did was move.  I had to get away from where Billy left me.  People wanted to lease the house, wrote out a paper that they would do all repairs, and in three years would have it in their name.  The lawyer they used was the lawyer we had used before.  I have not gone back, but they have made so many changes, so many repairs, I am satisfied.  Hope it works out for them.  I don't ever want to go back to that house he left me with.  He did not leave on purpose, and it was beautiful.  I now live in an apartment where I hear people all the time.  The quiet at the other house was just too loud.  We do what we can to help ourselves get through this nightmare.  Dull is a good word.  I like "mindlessness" right now.  

[Brad]

Deedo was the master at bargaining with car dealerships.  Me?  I take the first offer.  Deedo continually starts to walk out until they acquiesce to her first and lowest bid.

[Margm]

Brad, I just had the feeling "what am I doing here?"  It was an appointment and I keep appointments, as a rule.  I did not think about it, just kept the appointment and then wanted to escape.  I was not bargaining with them.  I was in terror.  I had to leave.  We had the biggest downpour I have seen in a long time and I could not run to my truck.  Then a young lady came up to me and said a man wanted my truck.  It was a long bed truck and I had already backed into a pole with it once.  My new car looks like one of those short dogs that has had it's tail cut off.  I can back out on a dime.  It is not the cayenne red that I wanted.  It is metallic silver, just like I am.  I have passed police cars doing 80 (on interstate)  and they did not stop me.  Wouldn't they look foolish stopping such a tiny car with a tiny old woman in it?  Billy always let me be part of the automobile buying.  In fact, I had to push him to get the new Dodge Diesel when Dodge changed their look. (But, I had no head for bargaining).  He thought it was beautiful.  I thought it terribly ugly.  It was the first of its kind in our neighborhood and even on interstate they did double looks.  He was the man.  I liked that.