If You're Going Through Hell

[KarenK]

My son found a doctor this morning at an urgent care that is in his insurance. They are supposed to fax a referral to a gastro doctor today, so he can make an appointment there. With doctors, it is always a "hurry up and wait" situation, especially this time of year. Hopefully with his family history, it will speed things up a bit.

I will keep you all posted.

[KarenK]

Just a quick update. A rarity. A doctor's office that takes things seriously. My son has an appointment with a gastro doctor on Thursday morning. Breathing a tiny  bit easier for now.

[scba]

I'm glad to read this news, Karen.

[Margm]

Sometimes things work out Karen.  I am glad they took you serious.  Them giving my granddaughter a two week appointment for an earache was ridiculous.  Please let us know how things go.  

[KarenK]

Robert is to have a colonoscopy next Weds. He saw the PA in the gastro's office who told him his problem sounded more like internal hemorrhoids, rather than cancer. So will know more after this.

Life is sometimes boring for me, but not always. At about 11 PM, I heard a small dog barking. It sounded like it was right outside my door. Sure enough it was. It had crawled under the fence in my back yard. My dog was having a fit. I wasn't sure how she would react, but my grandson brought it into the house and both dogs seemed to get along okay. I just knew I didn't want a strange dog in my house all night so we walked the neighborhood for an hour looking for anyone who might still be up and searching for a lost dog. Couldn't find anybody. Called my 24 hour vet and got a few names of possible 24 hour rescues. The only one open was 30 miles from my house. So we took the little dog there and left it. I gave them my name and number. I told the lady that I'd probably find that the dog lived right next door. Well not exactly, but it did live on the next street. As soon as I got home, I got a message from the dog owner. The rescue had called her about her dog and she was on the way to pick it up. So it all worked out in the end.

Now it's 3:45 and I'm going to bed.  lol

[KATPILOT]

Karen I'm glad Robert got in and has a plan of action. We'll keep our best prayers and wishes going. Not many people would go through such lengths to help a dog and it's owner. Only people with compassion in their hearts.

[kayc]

Karen, I can feel your relief at your son's news, I would take assurance from that and we'll all be praying for him as he gets his colonoscopy and the outcome.  
What a night!  I've been up since 2:30, can't imagine being up since 11, so hope you do get some sleep and glad the dog is reunited with its owners.

[MartyT]

Thank you, Karen, for caring enough to get that pup back to his family, no matter what time of day it was. Not everyone would be as determined as you were. And yes, as Kay said, your son is in our prayers.  ♥

[Margm]

This is my Ferris-Yaris.  I love this little car. It is a tiny "clown" car.  It is not expensive.  It gets up to 39 mpg.  For the past 18 years (since retirement) we stuck with one vehicle.  One big Dodge Diesel truck to pull the RV for about 12 years kept it.  Then the big black Toyota.  Then when Billy left, the little Ford Ranger with the long bed.  While working I had the smallest vehicles I could buy.  Some four wheel drive even, but small.  I don't judge distance intelligently.  Billy and Scott fussed at me cause I hug the right side of the road.  Ferris has warning signals that aggravate me if I touch that line in the road.  Billy would laugh at that.  (I really, really was a danger to walkers on the side of the road).  Everytime I backed the little Ford Ranger out that damn long bed would get me in trouble.  When I backed into the telephone pole, I decided it was time.

See, my one frivolity, my one thing that I have always liked to do is just get in the car and ride.  No destination.  No time limit.  Did not, could not stand circular roads that took me back over the same road.  Dead end roads better warn me because I hate turning around and going back.  It was a freedom feeling I have had all my life.  Daddy had a motor scooter, one of the big ones.  He let me, as a teenager, just take off in it.  He knew I wasn't going to town.  I road down the dirt roads to the oil wells, turned around or went another road, circled all the sloughs, creeks, bridges in the backwoods.  Freedom.  It was okay with Billy after we had been married about 20 years.  I was working, he was fishing, we lived on the lake.  He headed off in his bass boat or his pirogue (pee-row), and fished the cypress trees.  I took my tiny red car and hit the roads.  One time I saw huge "animals" when I came over a hill.  I took pictures.  My first sighting of wild turkeys.  I cannot describe the freedom.  I was fighting cancer and my thoughts were outside the car.

Two small trips in Ferris.  I talked to Billy.  Next time I am going to leave Billy in his pirogue.  I cried, I was in some kind of total terror.  I was even in familiar territory.  Sure, it was long ago familiar, but there should not have been fear.  I cannot have this.  This is something I have to conquer without Xanax.  Strange thing.  I could be around all my friends from high school and there was no "wish Billy was here."  He did not know these people so it was not part of him.  Thinking about doing it scares me too, but I know I have to.  What is the worse that can happen?  Maybe I will cry all the way, I will just take paper towels.  The little Ferris sits for days with no one touching it.  

I used to have this saying by Eleanor Roosevelt taped on my computer, where ever I was typing, in the hospitals or at home.  Learning new programs always scared me, but learn them I did.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

[MartyT]

What a cute little car, Marg! Reminds me of the Mini Cooper I used to have! My most favorite car ever ~ little, like me 

[KarenK]

Marg,

Your little car is adorable. I wish my big truck got your gas mileage. We have mostly had large vehicles, also. Believe me, I back up very carefully and park in the largest parking spot I can find. Don't EVEN ask me to parallel park it.

You will find your courage again. When we lose our mate, we are kind of afraid of everything at first. At least I was. Didn't even go familiar places alone. I'm not afraid anymore. Had to laugh last night when the person at the rescue said to use my GPS to find them. I am the GPS. As long as I can read Google Map, I am good to go.

Put the pedal to the metal and go, girl!

[Margm]

Karen, Marty, you both know I drove those 175 miles back and forth from Minden to Mount Ida over and over, cannot tell you how many times and never was afraid, most of the times by myself, so this new fear was like slapping me in the face and knocking me down.  It was not expected, but I do expect it to leave me alone if I keep trying.  I will keep trying.  

Karen, it is so much fun parking between the lines.  Even with the little Ford Ranger I would get back in and back out and try again.  I am terrible at parking and if I am going to parallel park, it better be a blank space in front and blank one in back, because even with Ferris, I don't parallel park.  The thing I love is it will turn around on a dime, and that is not much of an exaggeration.  Also, it is so common looking, not extravagant or sleek, so even if I am speeding the cops think I am insignificant.

My son just said he would drive with me, but it is just like his dad when he thought I was dying and was determined he was going to drive me, I have to do it by myself for myself.  He understood.

[iPraiseHim]

7 hours ago, Marg M said:

Two small trips in Ferris.  I talked to Billy.  Next time I am going to leave Billy in his pirogue.  I cried, I was in some kind of total terror.  I was even in familiar territory.  Sure, it was long ago familiar, but there should not have been fear.  I cannot have this.  This is something I have to conquer without Xanax.  Strange thing.  I could be around all my friends from high school and there was no "wish Billy was here."  He did not know these people so it was not part of him.  Thinking about doing it scares me too...

I understand this strange "unknown anxiety".  For me, when my wife, Rose Anne, suddenly died,it completely torn the fabric and safety of my world.  It was as if i am walking on earthquake prone ground and anxious about the next disturbance in the force.  My personal safety was shaken and these feelings, weird emotions,  anxieties and uncertainties about life seem to replace the love, peace, and calm that Rose Anne and I shared daily.... I have a home security system now and personal protection that has helped me to regain some confidence in this uncertain world.    

Yes my trust and faith is in Jesus Christ, yet my flesh and heart is weak.  Life is just very different now and I have to cope and deal with it differently.  I will never be the same as I was before but I hope and pray that in time, someday there will be a more profound sense of peace, calm and safety.  I believe many of us are shaken to the core when our deeply loved partner departs and it will just take time to adjust to this world. I know I am not in control but I still would like to be in some ways. I pray and trust you will find your way as well.  We are not alone.  This group helps in many ways even when we cannot verbalize it in our darkest hours.  - Shalom, George   

[Margm]

I know George, I understand the feeling of walking on earthquake ground.  I never left my mighty protectors, my dad running around the house with shotgun, barefoot, in his boxer shorts if I heard a sound to Billy telling me to "go see what it is." but knowing he was there to protect me.  My son tries to be there to protect me but I have never gotten over the idea they are my children and I'm supposed to protect them, and now protect my granddaughter and younger sister too and all of a sudden there is no one to protect me in 3/4th (almost) of a whole century I am really alone.  I know God and Jesus are supposed to be with me but I have about as much faith in Billy as I do them right now.  Still have not found that faith yet, but still have my mustard seed.

That is all of us, part of our protection is gone.  Part of us is ..............gone.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Still have not found that faith yet, but still have my mustard seed.

That is all of us, part of our protection is gone.  Part of us is ..............gone.

What is this about a mustard seed?  I have heard the term before.

Your last sentence is as precise at it gets.

[Margm]

PRETTY MUCH CHRISTIAN SPOKE HERE/DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

31 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

What is this about a mustard seed?

Gwen...........I'm not a good one, but I am still one

Matthew 17:20 King James Version (KJV)

20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

I'm still a Baptist, but hang on by a thread.  My granddaddy cursed God with all the fire of hell taking his six little kids to see their mama for the last time.  The family was brought in.  Mama was a little girl but she knew they were going to be hit with lightening bolts so fierce was his cursing.  But (in my faith), he was also talking to him so for that much, he believed in him.  Just my way of thinking, no one else's, and possibly it is part of my magical thinking, my grandma outlived my granddaddy by nearly 30 years.  So even cursing God did not bring damnation on him, because he believed in someone enough to talk that way to him.

I have told this story before, and again, it is Christianity spoke here.  When I had cancer I was further away from my faith than I am now.  Billy had studied at one time to be a Methodist minister but because of some things happening had fallen away from the church.  But, my folks church sent, by mail, a list of people to the Holiday Inn next to M..D. Anderson where we were staying.  I felt so lost and was dying I knew.  Billy told me the story, I already knew, that the shepherd would leave his 99 sheep in search of that one lost sheep.  At the time, Billy brought me back my faith.  He did that more than once.  About two years ago I ordered a necklace with the mustard seed in it.  Some more stuff I cannot go into.  There can be evil in all things.

Now, lots of people do not understand this, nor do they want to, and that is their business.  But, there is where my mustard seed faith comes into being, I still have it, but it is very shallow right now.  But, my mom and dad brought me up in the church and it is something I cannot turn my back on.  That is my belief.  

And to add to this little story, there is a crossroads at Walmart here in Minden.  I have not picked a church.  The other night a storm had made it very dark and I was turning left to go to my sister's house.  There on the corner is a big church with huge stained glass windows in front of the shepherd and his 99 sheep, with him holding the one lost one. I had never noticed it in all the times I pass it, 3-4 times a week.  

[Gwenivere]

Thanks for the explanation, Marg.

[KarenK]

This is not about religion, but rather about belief or maybe just coincidence. Some things happen for a reason, Marge. Maybe that church is opening it's doors for you.

Debbie was the light of my mother's life. My mother had given her a bible in hopes she would return to the church. She had become a hard drinkin' lonely cowgirl after her first husband deserted her. Trying to change their image and lifestyle, she and her new husband started searching for a church. Inside that bible was a church brochure with an image of Jesus. One day they walked into a little country church and there was that same exact image of Jesus hanging over the altar. Debbie said somehow Gram had led here there and she knew she was home. When she was very ill, that little church and it's members truly were home and family. She could not have found a better place.

Who are we to question the unknown?

[Margm]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Thanks for the explanation, Marg.

 

Too much wasn't it Gwen?  You know how dangerous I am once I get started.  "Oh no, here comes another word salad."  

Karen, I cannot question the unknown.  That stained glass window pulls me in, but it belongs to a Missionary Baptist Church, one I said I would never join again.  We have to "move our letter" and that is one thing I do not like.  But, if I went to a church I wanted to go to, it would have an "all knowing" pastor that was really an angel and committed no sin, but that is our big problem isn't it?  We are all human.  

Karen, in your case, I know the type of church your daughter went to and I truly believe she had solace before she left this very imperfect realm from a lot of good Christians.  Wanda and Hettie are two of my good friends.  Hettie pulled me through a horrible time.  Hettie and Wanda both have walked on these coals.  You go in their house and there is a Bible open on the dining table and/or besides their comfy resting place.  There really are good, comforting people in this world.  Sometimes you do not even have to look for them.  I am happy your daughter found them.   

[kevin]

Marg, I'm on my second year of trying to reconnect to the Church........I'm reading the Gospels and half understand how debatable  they are. I don't get all the singing(times are changing).....told one guy its like a Karaoke some Sundays...... But I made a list of the good our Church(and others)have done and its pretty good........I will continue to show up and contribute for 2017.........happy new year 

 

[Margm]

Kevin, I have been told by 3-4 women to read Psalms.  I even had it put on my Kindle Fire.  I cannot get into it.  I must be a terrible person.  It helped my friends and I cannot get into it.  Will try again..............later.  I think one thing we lose in grief...............................enthusiasm for anything.  I know I have the Bible in versions I can understand.  I have had makeup on twice in 14 months.  I do realize a little red paint helps any old barn, but I am going with the weathered wood look for now.  As long as everything is covered, I don't care what it looks like.  Enthusiasm is gone.  We try.

[kevin]

Last year when I worked night shift at the shelter , I needed something to do  to past the time and Bible is on Bucket list.(new testy only)....It is confusing and even Peter asked about  forgiving our brother for his Trespasses, 7 times in 7 days.....and repeat......I think that is plain silly......It is good reading

 

[kayc]

Kevin,

The forgiveness is for us, they may or may not even notice or care that we forgive them.  It's so we don't harbor resentments and let it change who we are.  It mutes their power over us.  Thus the keep on forgiving.  While we're counting and keeping track, we're missing the point.  That does NOT mean we keep letting them walk all over us.  Boundaries are important to learn to place and make sure they're adhered to.

I get you with the music...when I go to my son's church it seems like they're putting on a production.  I'm glad I go to a small Baptist church...we still sing hymns but also some of the new music too.

Marg,

Your Kindle doesn't work because it's a Kindle, not because you're a bad person!

[Margm]

13 minutes ago, kayc said:

 

Your Kindle doesn't work because it's a Kindle, not because you're a bad person!

It's a very good Kindle.  I'm not a very good Marg.  Last year my word to realize (last 14 months) was e-m-p-a-t-h-y.  This year I need to practice another "e" word, e-n-t-h-u-s-i-a-s-m.  Enthusiasm.  I act like it is a new word.  It just as well be.  

Love you Kay, I hope everything gets fixed this year (your eyes included), but I hope you have someone with you when they are.  

[Margm]

2017, and I have just found me.  Almost 3/4 of a century it took.  I even sound like Eeyore