If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

Another thing, Billy gave our son the RV.  Scott said I had agreed.  I am not saying I didn't, I just do not remember this at all.  I think knowing Billy was leaving had already affected my mind to such a degree I would forget nearly anything.  Scott reminded me that I had said "no, I am going to use it" and I can remember making plans to use the RV, which meant I knew he was dying.  Now I have no memory of this, just the time after he passed, I remember for a few days being big and strong and brave.  Maybe the mind does protect us sometimes.  I was not going to let Billy go.  That is all I remember.  But he did anyhow. 

Addendum:  Son just came by on his way to NM.  He was already stressed (his lady and her cat), now has to go to AR to leave her with family because she is afraid she will get altitude sickness.  People have different emotional entanglements.  I already told her and him that Billy and I could never be away from each other that long.  Even the six weeks we separated we saw each other every day.  Oh well, cannot help that.

Leader of the GriefShare called me and said I was missed.  (It was pouring down rain that night).  All I can think is "Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz" and I have not been listening to Janis Joplin.  

[kayc]

I was strong and brave through the funeral too...the shock was still in charge, reality hadn't really hit yet.  It's the time since I've been concerned about.

Group support meetings are not for everyone and they are not "one size fits all".  I got a chuckle out of your son saying NA meetings made him want to come home and do dope.  Sometimes other people's idea of "helping" has that affect on us.

[Gin]

The daughter of a friend of mine graduated from a cooking school and they had a party for her.  It was over an hour away and normally I never would have gone.  Another friend was going and offered to drive.  I am really trying to accept invitations.  I only knew a few people and I still felt so awkward without Al.  I just do not want to go anywhere since he is not with me.  Wonder if I will ever be more social.

[Margm]

Gin, like I said before somewhere, Billy had a rough life.  He got to where he did not want to go visit my folks, any reunions, no where that I had had a past life around.  It went a long time like this so I learned to go to places by myself, (I had a pretty big family of grandparents, aunts, cousins, uncles.).  So, I learned to go places without him.  I liked to get groceries by myself.  He would just stand there and he would not say anything, but I felt rushed.  So, I would usually take him to the toy department (fishing) and leave him until I finished.  It was always me that went in to get things, we were together in the house all the time, we camped, fished, and sometimes we would go grocery shopping, but I got too bored waiting on him to shop in the fishing, and he was bored in the grocery part.  If he shopped, he would stop and feel of everything.  If he needed something, he would never take what was on top.  (Our daughter does the same).

So, going places without him is very sad, but not strange.  Him being gone, of course is devastating, our time together lost is devastating, but I am able to be among other people without anything but my regular anxiety.  

But, after Billy lost most of his family, my family, all of them became his, and they loved him.  He was my sister's "big brother."  Sure miss that boy.   

[kayc]

Gin,

It does take time to adjust and part of that adjusting are attempts beyond our comfort zone, which you are doing.  It'll come.

[kevin]

I found most of my social functions were work related(Angela and mine), school/sport activites for the kids, and family on Holidays....Fast forward to now,  no Wife, no work, no kids, and Family on Holidays.......1 out Four, could be a lot better, but I give thanks every day for the life I still have,,,it is a Journey

[Gin]

I try to be positive, but it sure is hard at times.  Advanced age limits some options.   I had lots of friends and contacts while working, but most of that has dried up.  I am thankful for the family and friends I still have and will do my best to nourish them.  It is still quite a lonely life.

[Brad]

Raising a family in a small town and being two teachers to boot, we could not go anywhere without running into myriad friends and acquaintances.  A trip to WalMart on a Friday evening was a two hour affair with impromptu parent/teacher conferences and catching up with friends.  Now the town has grown and I am retired.  It is rare that I see a face I recognize while grocery shopping and I rarely go to WalMart anymore.  Amazon is my shopping place now, no lines.  I am still avoiding group situations and probably will for a while.  I recognize that I need to join some clubs or something to make myself more sociable.  Maybe this summer after I've come back home.  

[Gin]

Today was my beloved's birthday.  I looked through one of our photo albums.  Our trip to Branson and to Ohio to see family.  It is so hard to look at these pictures, but there are some good memories.  Not like the other birthdays.

[Brad]

Gin, I'm glad you found some good memories. They do help. I try to have some of those on hand in my mind to substitute for those unwelcomed memories when they force their way into my head. 

[kayc]

I find George's birthday is still tough for me, but then just five days later is his death day, AND Father's Day was the same day that year so it's all like a snowball affect.
I'm sorry I missed this yesterday, Gin, I was gone most of the day and exhausted last night, I didn't come on the computer...glad you made it through the day.  I find myself without local friends for the first time in years, I used to have tons, sometimes you wonder how life ended up like this.  Like Kevin said, we retire, our kids are gone, we lost our soul mate, shoot, even the pets die!  I haven't given up, but it takes so blasted long to make new friends at this age, it seems everyone already has their niche and doesn't want or need more.  Lots of people have their kids in the same town so they're busy with them.  Oh well, I keep trying, at least I have my dog and my grumpy cat!

[brat#2]

Gin, I'm to sorry I missed your post yesterday.  I'm glad though that you were able to look at pictures and have good memories, that makes the day a little easier.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Thanks all.  The problem with the good memories, you know they can never return.  Bittersweet.

[Widowedbysuicide]

That is the truth.  ? be kind to yourself Gin.

[Margm]

Well, I am going to GriefShare tomorrow night again.  Really, it was raining so hard (which was all the excuse I needed) to not go.  I felt that I was letting two of my friends down, although only one comes.  I felt she was being a little sanctimonious, but I felt that way cause I don't want to go.  I can be around other people, no problem, I really feel like our talking on this forum makes me feel like an 8th grader that has been put back in the 3rd grade.  Maybe my blessing will come with this meeting.  I do not enjoy them.  I am sorry.  It is not my thing.  I am going to try to keep anger and resentment away, and I am sorry I feel that way.  My emotions are in one heck of a ball of string and I will sit and listen and will offer any advice I can.  I might wind up and say, "hey, lets go over to the Episcopal Church" and try this for awhile.  You know I am  not sure what is wrong with me but being a Baptist makes me angry.  Lots of things make me angry.  

Rant, rant, rant.  Going to bed.  That is my rant for tonight. Small town, guess people can look at me as a hardA$$ and sometimes I am. (But for some reason I don't care)

[MartyT]

Marg, my dear, I'm not sure what there is about this group that leaves you feeling this way, but I hope you know that you are under no obligation to stick with something you don't think is helpful. Staying only because you feel obligated to your friends is not reason enough. You are your own grief expert, and you alone can know what fits and what does not feel "right" to you. There is nothing wrong with you. Listen to your own heart, and follow your own good instincts. 

[Margm]

Well Marty, just so happens I am on here this morning.  I think the word "guilt" comes into being because it is in the Baptist Church and my dad always made me go to the meetings, no matter what they were. (We served meals at their brotherhood meetings.)  I am going to go off on a limb and set up an appointment (is that what you do in a Catholic church?) with someone.  I don't feel at home in a Baptist church anymore.  I honestly feel like one of the Stepford wives.  Not sure anyone will get that one.  I think it might go back to "if it feels good do it and if it does not feel good, don't do it."  I'm sorry to the group of women (and that is one thing that bothers me, where are the men?).  Not looking for a man, but feel they are excluded with a purpose. 

13 minutes ago, MartyT said:

There is nothing wrong with you. Listen to your own heart, and follow your own good instincts. 

 

[kayc]

Marg,

Since you have bad associations with the Baptist church (nothing wrong with Baptist churches, I belong to one), your feelings are there because of your experiences and maybe it'd be better to try a different denomination or a non-denominational church where you can feel more comfortable without the haunting memories from your childhood.  What is MOST important is your feeling positive and comfortable whether it's going to a grief support group or church or just out with friends.

[Margm]

Not a thing wrong with Baptist churches.  I am Baptist, until I turn into something else.  I hate labels, but backslide Baptist might fit me.  The thing is, I am not getting anything from the meetings and in the mood I am in, my emotion might be anger, and those good women are going through a hard time.  They do not need me, unless I could help them.  Right now I am my old selfish self, I want to help me.  And, I will.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

Right now I am my old selfish self, I want to help me.  And, I will.

Good for you, Marg. It is up to you to put yourself first, because no one else will do it for you.  ♥

[Margm]

So, I'm right here, Sunday morning, treading water sounds so silly for someone who cannot swim.  I can see Billy, hearing him seems so long ago.  Wind is blowing bad, no clouds, beautiful blue sky.  Turned TV to music channels because so tired of seeing and hearing politics.  Nope, music playing breaks me up.  You think your doing good, you think your not healing, but then you are existing okay.  No, he is gone and he is not coming back.  I can see him but cannot hear him.  You think its okay as it is gonna be, and I guess it is.  Sure hurts to push on that scar tissue though.  No cure.  Gotta keep your fingers off the wound. Politics are terrible but if you can put yourself out of this misery, at least politics make you angry.  Anger is an emotion.  Definite explanation of this, word salad.  

[Gin]

Well Marge, at least you can see Billy.  I do not see, feel or hear Al.  He is absolutely gone.  

[Margm]

I worked at home for probably 10 of my 43 years working.  Billy felt guilty my working, but I enjoyed my job and it was just a hobby we paid high taxes for me to do.  He would sit on the couch those 10 years, me typing on this desk (only piece of furniture he ever picked out), and he would tie his fishing flies, wrap fishing rods, do his hobby so that he would not leave my side.  It is a presence I feel when I am typing, no matter where I live, he is on my right side, sitting on the couch, not 4-5 feet from my chair.  He might be watching a fishing show on TV while he sat there, so he is ghostly by my right arm.  I can see him, feel his presence, but he is not there.  If I look, there is a wall on my right, but I like to imagine he is sitting there.  I cry at TV shows, commercials, but this morning that song by Richard Marx broke me up and I did cry.  I turned music off.

[scba]

Marg, I too turned into politics to feed myself with talk and talk and talk, and discussion, debate. Just to turn my attention from my grief. I've a degree in political science but, as for lately years news from the world, I regret not being a biologyst. Animals and plants are much healers.

 

 

[Margm]

Ana, I do not understand politics, but know the people that I grew up with, they do not share my views.  I do not argue with them, I just wonder how all of us from that small papermill town, how we all grew up and my views are so different than theirs.  Not intelligent enough to argue.  It does help take my mind off the grief for awhile though, but I don't understand it any more than the grief.  Sometimes I appreciate that phenomenon called grief fog.