When Reality Breaks In The Door

[Gwenivere]

I am at a place where I wonder if Steve really existed at all.  Strange to say, I know.  I see our home, his things and know that of course he did.  I don't feel his life essence like some do.  That sometimes makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  For the first year or so the love kept me going and then things started to change.  I stopped crying wanting him back.  I know that is not possible.  I began to see how another role in my life was now gone, the one I cherished most.  His wife/friend/partner.  Ive had to adapt/accept to losing so many other parts of my identity.  I am no ones child anymore, no ones mother, sibling, close friend or any other that matter deeply to someone else.  I am caregiver to my dogs and a volunteer 3 times a week for a few hours, that's it.  I never felt I wasted time unless I opted to.  Now I have so much I get frustrated the amount of time I watch TV or play games on this iPad.  I'm reminded weekly of all the things we used to do together or I did as the keeper of our home.  Things no longer needed being alone.  

There are no guarantees that with extended family it will help, but I read about those who see theirs that are non dysfunctional and get that contact.  A few of Steves friends maintain contact, but it's not the same without him adding new dimension to it.  We talk of the past.  

Maybe that's it.  Steve is becoming the past.  Slipping away to only memories leaving emptiness as my connection to him.  

Marita said in another thread about reminding ourselves of the traumatic loss we have been thru.  She is so right.  I do that but it is less effective for solace.  

i read so many posts about making progress, honoring thier memory, so much I cannot relate to.  Sad as it sounds, I relate more to those who are even further on this journey and still struggling.  I feel for them.  I see I am cut from that cloth rather than the other and think....where did my strength go?  Did I use it up tending to Steve for years?  My health has been slammed since he died and I have to do what I can alone.  I didn't expect a cakewalk by any means, but I get so disappointed in feeling so weak when I was never that before.  

I indulged in an impossible thought of what it would be like if he did return.  Could we ever be that same after all I went thru emotionally.  I don't know know if we could.  How would I wipe out 22 months of hell and the changes it created?  The person I have become? It's a moot thought anyway.  

Thanks for the babble time.  It's hard when the time gets longer  and there is no one in your life real time to talk about it or you are just too drained inside that doing so seems monumental.  I only have my counselor and 2 people long distance.  Life was so complete until one person died.  The one I mattered to 24/7.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I really wish I could make you feel better.  I totally understand your thought of did he really exist?  As you said, I have all his things still here to tell me he did, but that connection I felt to him in the beginning is fading.  I'm sure our own health issues are not helping any either, trying to face them alone and trying to figure out if and what to do to maybe get better or if we even want to try to get better.  Some days I just wonder if it's worth it.  I know the feeling of feeling like a complete orphan most of the time, what little family I have left is so far away that I don't get to see them much or really get to talk with them either, as they are busy with their lives.  It was great for 34 years (35 years if you count dating time) to be that special someone and for him to be my special someone and now that it's gone, it is terrifying.  I know all I have is memories and that he is now my past, but I don't like it one bit and I don't like the person I'm becoming through this either.  I've lost all the confidence he gave me and the feeling of being safe and secure and don't know if I will ever get use to that.  I want to and try to honor Dale by the things I do everyday, but I feel I'm failing miserably.

I know I didn't help you much, by stating the obvious and basically saying the same thing that you did, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in these feelings and wish I could give you a hug in person.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Gwen and Joyce,

I wish I could give you both a hug in person.  I visited my brother today for our annual cookout.  Last year Al was here and I kept looking at the 4th chair that was empty.  Takes the joy out of anything we do.  They started in on me about getting a dog.  I told them I will think about it, but not now.  I love dogs, but I am afraid about them dying.  I am getting to be a real chicken about everything.  My brother lives about 30 miles away and most of it is under construction.  I got messed up going there but there was no way I was going to try his way.  Turn here, turn there, go under this viaduct....I told him it was just fine to wait in lines.  I went home the same old way.  Home...the same old empty, quiet house.  

Gin

[marsha]

Gwen. I just wanted to let you know that you've been heard. I have felt every single thing that you've written about. As one of those further out, I will say that there are long term effects in losing my husband that I had to face logically, and I did, pretty much - but emotionally? Not without those hours of inner dialogues of myself with myself. It seems that with every step we take, there's an whiplash effect of feelings that are just...unleashed. Not all bad, not all negative, but still, there's that effect. Kind of like Linda Blair in the Exorcist where her head spins around. Yup, exactly like that.  

[brat#2]

Gin, you are in my heart, I feel your pain.  Absolutely nothing that we did together is the same as it was and that makes it so difficult.  Also don't want to try to do new things either because I don't have him to share it with, so I guess we are left with doing nothing which isn't good either.  What a mess this new life is.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[rdownes]

I am obviously not even close to the amount of time as all of you are so I still feel my Kevin everywhere, but I am gonna make sure I never lose the feeling of him being here with me, that is why I stare at his pictures listen to his voice mails, listen to his music and talk out loud to him even if he can't answer back , I am sure years from now it will be harder for me to feel him but I think I always will because I will always remember how he loved me more than life his self and will never truly leave me in spirit but I guess only time will tell, I am no where's near attempting new things or figuring out who I am without him that will come slowly and in time but whoever I am or whatever I do I will always be Kevin's wife till my last breath. I went to the beach today with my daughter and grandson first time out anywhere since Kevin passed and I saw my butterfly so my Kevin will always be not so far away, I guess I am lucky to still have my children around they still keep me going hugs to all.

[KATPILOT]

Gwen I guess when you come down to it, they all are in the past. From the moment they died new memories with them ended. It's like flying a kite. It's up there directly connected to you as you watch it, and feel the tug of the string. Then suddenly the string breaks and the kite begins to move further and further from your sight as you remain holding the remnants of the string. I know I have had a connection to Kathy from time to time but there are still the times when I feel those memories fading. I cannot make new ones at least not with her. Is that the scary part? Is that what we fear the most?  It does bring depression to another level yet I strive not to forget. I know I must build new memories of my own without her. Doesn't mean I've lost the love. It just means things are different.  You speak of the hell and changes the last 22 months have brought. I certainly didn't speak as I do now when I was at that point. When you reach six years I think you may feel differently than now. I took yesterday off. I didn't work. I didn't leave my house. I didn't even get dressed or go outside. I stayed in bed and cried half the day. I was exhausted from working so much and sleeping so little. I become a little vulnerable to my emotions when I finally stop. I just missed her, that's all. I just miss her still. So after I woke again today, I was better. I rejoined the living but I understood I will never be the same. At six years it still happens yet with less frequency than before. I smile more than I cry. I find that I am indeed alive still. Grief is a job we must do. It's a job from which we may never retire but we can still find some happiness in those ancient memories. I still strain to see the kite. I hope you feel better in the future. I trust you will. At least I wish it for you and all of us.

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, brat#2 said:

  What a mess this new life is. 

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I am at a place where I wonder if Steve really existed at all.  Strange to say, I know.  I see our home, his things and know that of course he did.

 

That doesn't sound strange to me at all because I've wondered the same thing about George.  I look at his picture on the wall, I go to my file cabinet and look at his birth certificate, our marriage certificate, his death certificate, I see his handwriting here and there.  Brain wise I know he lived but it feels like it must have all been a dream, the further I get away from it and I have to remind myself he DID exist!

[Gwenivere]

I want to thank all of you that shared your thoughts on this.  What a caring family we have here. To know we can say anything is a gift because these thoughts we get would not be understood out in the world amid those with no experience but tons of advice.  

Dont know what I would do without all of you!

[enna]

Nor would we know what to do without you, dear Gwen. We are all in this together. Thank you for staying here and sharing for that is how we heal ~ I believe. 

[MartyT]

What Anne said 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I just want to give hugs and wishes for better times/feelings to come.

I give reputation to each person whose comment resonates with me.  Too bad the computer doesn't let us choose to give hugs or hearts.  The  faces don't really reflect the emotions I feel or I would use them.

[Gwenivere]

Couldn't find any hugs on my tablet, but here's a few hearts!

???❤️???

[Gwenivere]

Is anyone else here getting tired of the words 'new normal'?  I was reading another forum and can't find who said it and where but I am sooooo tired of hearing that.  I liked thier idea.....this is not unusual.  More precise.  More to the point as there is nothing normal about this I have felt.  It's the kind of words a counselor uses.  I want to hear what I feel us not unusual.  I think we need that validation more than the (sometimes) pressure to build a normal can stir up.  Semantics, I know, but sometimes they make a big difference.  

[mittam99]

Like you said Gwen, I wouldn't apply the phrase "new normal" to this life of grief we're living. It is a new life though... unfortunately one that royally sucks.

In terms of the "validation" you spoke of, a place like Grief Healing groups where you are surrounded by others living a similar "grief life" really helps. I think I'm at the point I feel like I have a handle on what my life will be, moving forward. That is, I can function and do what absolutely needs to be done, Beyond that, the huge hole in my heart that was created when I lost my Tammy can never be patched up. True joy and pleasure don't exist in my world. And maybe never will again.

But, I do hold out hope that some form of happiness might return to my life. For now, it's getting through each day and hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

Is anyone else here getting tired of the words 'new normal'?

 

It took me years to be able to say this term, and then only because I don't know another term to use for it.  Maybe we need to come up with something better.  

 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

there is nothing normal about this

I so agree!  I know that "new normal" means the life we are stuck with now and having to shape and mold it into something we would want for ourselves (barring what we can't have), but it's always struck me wrong too.  It doesn't seem an apt description for what we're feeling!

[iPraiseHim]

1

normal

play

adjective nor·mal \ˈnȯr-məl\

Popularity: Top 40% of words

Simple Definition of normal

• : usual or ordinary : not strange

• : mentally and physically healthy

 

I have found the problem.  I was not normal before, Rose Anne, and I definitely don't feel normal now after Rose Anne died.  I am learning to "ADJUST" to my current life situation as it is now. There is so much in life that is not in my control.  The challenge I have is in accepting my life as it is today.  I still want it the way it was.  So I have to learn, through this grief how to accept and be at peace with it.

I am the most hardest on myself and my own expectations. 

As a Christian, I need to accept that this is my life course now.  The sooner I can accept this,  the sooner I can come to peace with it.  I will always love my beloved Rose Anne.  I know that my life is in God's hand.  He is in charge.  My mission is to learn, move forward and to continue to grow.  It sounds easy when I write it but it is a challenge to do everyday.  Grief is a journey not a sprint or a marathon.  Grief is an expression of love for my wife.  I will strive to move forward each moment that I don't get side railed or run over with grief.  This has caused me to search deep within to discover more about myself than I wanted to know .  I was always so busy taking care of other people and neglecting to take care of myself.  It seems to be the hardest for me because it has always been ingrained in me to not be selfish, self-centered but it is better to take care of other people first.  Shalom

[kayc]

5 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

It sounds easy when I write it but it is a challenge to do everyday.

You've got that right!

5 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I was always so busy taking care of other people and neglecting to take care of myself. 

Yes, self care is one of the most important things we can learn through our journey.

[Gin]

Every day is bad, but the weekends are the worst.  I am so delighted if I have something to do.  My one daughter was coming over today and I was really looking forward to it.  Out for lunch.  Yesterday I went to the accountant to try to get Al's trust finished.  There were 8 beneficiaries.   We are pre-paying estimated taxes so no one will have to pay that at tax time.  The grandkids should not have to pay and might get a refund.  I have to send 8 separate checks to the Treasury and 8 to beneficiaries.  I cried all the way home.  Everything is so final.  I did do the work for the daughter that was coming over.  There is a form that I really do not understand, but at least I looked at it.  Finished at around 9 P.m.  Then I checked email and got the word that she can not come because her room mate is very sick.  It was such a let down.  I will probably go thru the day without seeing a soul.  Maybe one or two phone calls.  Guess I will work on the others.

[Finch]

I dread weekends too. I often find myself, like I am right now, in a local cafe with my laptop, doing some work. That's part of my 'new abnormal'. Because work is the only thing that I can focus on to any great degree. Currently there are no couples in the cafe. I am grateful for this as I don't want to hate their guts just for being couples.

Having said I am focusing on my work, I have actually not been doing any work... I've been writing and re-writing an email that I have been writing and re-writing for several months, that I plan to send to Crystal's father. And I am also posting on this forum. Ah well.

Gwen, I can relate to that feeling of wondering if they ever existed. I never physically met Crystal, and I can't refer to memories of what it felt like to hold her hand or hug her or kiss her. This will haunt me till my end. Although I have plenty of material evidence she existed. 12 years worth of emails, letters, videos, pictures, voice memos, gifts. And, I guess, me myself. Or at least who I was before she died. Because she was part of who I was, as I was part of who she was. In my heart, until the day that I die. Gwen, maybe this is the same with you and Steve? He will never leave your heart, even if it is broken, he is in there 24/7 365 days a year. So there.

 

 

[brat#2]

Gin, I'm so sorry your daughter had to cancel.  It is so difficult to do some of the "final" things that come with this.  Wishing you some peace today.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Joyce,

I tried working on it today and things just do not add up.  I have a lot of work to do.  I am starting to scribble in the check book.  Crossing out, etc.

[brat#2]

Gin, sounds like too much work for me!!!  If it doesn't have to get done today, maybe you should wait a day or two, when you can concentrate more and not thinking about not being with your daughter.  Just a thought!

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

The door I would like to break is the one to heaven. .  .

I just spent 3 hours in the heat trying to replace the wheel on my wheel barrow and then vacuuming the leaves off the grass.  Two and a half hours on the wheel.  It was frustrating because I didn't have the physical strength with tears streaming down my face and my eyes burning.  My husband put this wheel on for me 9 years ago and probably used an impact gun.  I can't seem to locate all the tools - my son does not do a good job of putting things back.  After substantial silent cursing, crescent wrenches galore and a huge big rubber hammer I did get it some success.  That's when I see that it was a 'make it work' kind of fix!   

The problem is with the shaft.  In order for it to fit my husband must have been doing magic tricks because it took every abracadabra and then some to figure it out and take apart so I could put the new wheel on. I hope the job holds because if I ask my son to do it he will probably break down.  Using his dad's tools is very hard for him.

I hope everyone's day improves and that we all find something good to look forward to tomorrow.