KATPILOT

Traveling has become more a part of my life and slowly the frequency increases. I know the main reason is because Kathy wanted to travel more once our parents were gone and we were free to leave without fear of being away when they needed us most. I was the one to drag my feet making excuses why I couldn't go. Kathy would just look at me and say "that is so not true". We would talk it back and forth until I would have no defense left and we would be off. And of course I had a glorious time but how could I not if we were together? So with her in mind, I make myself go just imagining her words. I just got back from Norfolk Va. to celebrate my first granddaughters birthday and like so many trips now it was happy 90% of the time but hitting a couple of land mines got me a little emotional. One was in an airport terminal on a layover. I know it can happen. I know when I go to Hawaii in two weeks for my anniversary, I will have some emotional breakdowns but I just don't care. If it is going to happen, it's going to happen. The good always out ways the bad. Just keep a pair of sunglasses handy. I should also ad that I made a promise to her at her request that I would go to Hawaii (her most favorite place on earth) and it's taken me since February 17th, 2011 to keep that promise. Guess I was dragging my feet again.

Happy Anniversary Harry! In three weeks it will be my fifth alone as it is yours today. We do keep moving forward though don't we? I still will celebrate that day for it always will represent the day she actually chose me to spend the rest of her life with. That's the nicest part Harry. Jane chose to spend the rest of her life with you. She honors you every year.

It is so brutal to have to return to work so soon. For what it's worth JayNTee, I did the same having no choice. I run my own business and had to work the next day in shock at best. The truth is that I was deep in financial worries but had not focused on them while my wife was still alive. I had all but checked out of work for the three months prior to her passing. Kathy had a sudden diagnosis of cancer that when we discovered it already in stage four, I never left her side during her waking hours as we tried desperately to save her. I had no choice but to go back to try and save my business and make money for the bills were overwhelming. In a way, focusing on work helped me survive yet I had so many meltdowns over those first months. I spent a lot of time in the rest room trying to compose myself. I don't even know how I did it. But I did do it. So I understand what you are saying. My thoughts are with you now as you have such a hard journey ahead. Only time, and baby steps will see you through. Grief's journey is the hardest road we will ever travel. You have found the most wonderful community to seek refuge in. And yes you will cry every day. It is the price for loving someone so deeply. One day you will be glad you feel such pain even if at times you curse it. I just got back from a trip for my granddaughters birthday. I had joy while there, but the travel back without my wife caused a few breakdowns on the way. Yes, even after four and a half years, I still have those "moments". I still had to hide my eyes in public once an again. I guess I still love the hell out of her and back to work I will go. Stephen

When we look for help through counseling, we often wish for what none of them can give. What I refer to is to stop the pain. Counseling helps indeed but it's not a cure all. What I gained was encouragement and tools to fight off pressures that come with grief such as dealing with relatives, guilt, sleeping, and others. What helped me the most was a friendly ear from those further down the road than I. The kind of people I found here. I could always come here late at night when the demons came, and read for hours. I learned not to fight it. Grief just sucks and it always was going to. I hated every waking moment but I kept the faith that I could one day be where others further down the road were. I read a lot of books too which I had to read over and over because the fog in my brain made them hard to grip. It just is that way you see? We have to go through it not around it even though when we get to the other side we're covered in goo, we're not crying so much. A little perhaps but not as much. The coolest thing is when you get there you realize that you still love them but you smile in the memory more than you thought you ever could have. If you look back at the early writings of members who now are years on this site, read what they felt when they first arrived here. Quite insightful.

Kevin, I assume that when you dozed off it was while things were actually cooking on the stove. If that is the case, then you have your reason and explanation as well. My wife and I believed in afterlife communication and before she died in 2011, she told me she would try her best to reach me. She found a way. From the very first day, she has been pretty active in more ways than I can mention here. My son who entered my home to get something for me and knowing things I had told him about my wife and the house, asked her a question and a light above his head turned on. When he came to me, he said you won't believe what happened. I said "let me guess". When things like this happen to you, you tend to find others with similar experiences so when someone asks do I believe in after life communication, I answer "you bet I do". By the way Marty, when I first was getting grief counseling from our mutual friend, she came to my home and when I mentioned what was happening, she told me that it was very common. She said they have a way with electricity. I was further convinced that I wasn't going mad.

Kevin, when going through things as you are now, slowly, triggers will be waiting at every drawer you open. It's part of the journey. I found in my wife's night stand drawer, every card I had ever sent her unknowing that she had saved them. (reminds me of you Karen) On Valentines day, her birthday, and our anniversary, I have put one out even if just to make me feel better. One day it might bring a smile to your face before it brings a tear to your eye. Time will help make that happen. One day at a time, one step at a time. I found a few cards I had received from her too and those hurt like hell to see. They don't hurt like that now but it's been over four years. One day when I'm gone and my son's go through my things, they might pause when they find them and just think a little bit. Though Kathy was not their mom, I believe they will recognize how much we loved each other. To you Kevin and Butch, I can imagine what pain is in your hearts so early on Grief's Journey, but my thoughts are with you. While it might get darker before light shines in, you always have friends here to share with and your stories are warm welcomed tales of love. Still praying for your granddaughter Butch.

Jeff, yes there is value in grief counseling. When my son lost his fiancé suddenly to heart failure, we had a grief counselor who's office was just next door to my business and she already new us. She helped him a lot when he was so devastated. When I lost my wife four and a half years ago, she had already moved to Chicago so that was no longer an option. My wife died in hospice care so they offered free counseling for a year as part of who they are, a terrific organization. At first I thought I could handle it because I was a man. Yeah right! By the second month, I was on the floor incapable of functioning. I made the call. I can't tell you what it does for "you", because every one is different and so are counselors. Our dear Marty who runs this sanctuary is of the same caliber of loving souls. I can't remember who in my counseling once suggested sending a card on Valentines day or a birthday so writing your wife would be a comforting thing too. You are right about this loss as being the most horrific. It is and nothing can compare to the anguish you are feeling right now. I want to ad something about what you are hearing from your friends. If they suggest you find someone new, stay the hell away from them right now. They just don't get it. You will hear a lot of stupid things in the coming months and for the most part,they mean well but just don't know what it's like. Talk with others here or in grief support groups. You need to be talking with those who relate. My grief counselor also headed a grief support group and I joined in on that as well. I gained a lot from those bi weekly meetings. When you share with others, you feel comforted though the first time can be a bit tough. Your children might also benefit from counseling. Let them know it's okay to hurt. You are all going through such a horrible time. I use to come on here late at night when I couldn't sleep and just read. There are so many threads that cover almost any aspect of emotions and grieving for the loss of a parent has a lot your children might relate to. One thing you will begin to understand is that there are an awful lot of souls on this lifeboat.

Yes any rain is good. I just hope it doesn't block the view of the meteor shower over the next couple of nights. First time we haven't had a moon to hamper the view in a long time.

Jeff, I hope you can take a minute and think about how we haven't all that much control in these situations. I am certain that nothing you could have done would have changed the outcome. So many of us have had the "what if's" and 'if only I hads", but it wouldn't have changed things. You told her you loved her that day. That's a good thought worth holding onto. I can only tell you that when I was in those first few months, nothing made sense and I kept replaying what happened trying to figure out what was a dream and what was reality. If only I had done things differently. I'll call it shock for lack of a better word. My thoughts are with you and your children for the road is not an easy one. Here you can talk with others who truly understand the pain. You can find tools to help you and this is really important: find a grief counselor if you feel overwhelmed. I thought I could make it but I needed help. Do what you need to take care of yourself. As time goes by there will be plenty of opportunity to address all the other issues. Just so you know, Sue knows how much you love her. Don't worry about that. I'm not a religious person either but I can tell you for certain there is something on the other side. Welcome to the club you should never have had to join but you are not alone. You're definitely not alone.

We certainly will Butch. My thoughts are with you and your family. My triplet granddaughters were born less than two pounds each. They were fighters too, just as Lilian is.

For what it's worth, in those early months I was waking up with my eye stuck to the pillow case. I thought I had an eye infection. Today I must say that the tears happen so much less frequently than the smiles. You don't stop missing them. You simply just start living again,....................... one step at a time, one day at a time. For what it's worth.

From my experience with loss which started in February of 2011, I received so much help which led me here. My wife died in hospice care which at that time was covered 100% by my health insurance when no other medical bills were. I received grief support from the start and it saved my life. When I lost my dad six months later, through hospice support, I received help once again. Losing my stepmom eight months ago while in hospice care, yep, you guessed it, I got help again. In the early years, health care covered so much. By the time my step mom passed, hospice was no longer covered by medicare or even supplemental. This very grief support site was once funded by Hospice of the Valley here in Phoenix but because of budget cuts, it no longer is and as many of us know, has not been for quite some time. I still give what I can to the Phoenix Hospice organization, and this site as well because we need it more than ever. To lose support from such a critical service would be catastrophic to say the least. Death will always be with us. To have experienced the loss as I and all of you have, we appreciate more than words can express how dear this service is. We are so affected by the economic conditions in our world right now that we are being forced to take care of ourselves more than ever. That means supporting groups such as this one has become our responsibility. I also know how hard it has been for so many widowed souls who haven't even a clue on how they will survive financially. That means those of us who can help, must.

Right on Harry! You are indeed a human being. I may be older than you by four years but I feel somewhat the same. I have found myself living again and exploring new adventures. I shall always be part of who I was evolving sometimes by things I could not control and that will include being widowed, an experience I shall have had but once. You have always sounded as the voice of reason although anguish has been part of your life for these past years. Good for you and inspiration to us. Some of us are born with courage. Some of us must achieve it. I believe death can make or break us. What we do next is what counts. Stephen

My best best hopes and prayers go with you too Anne.

Karenw welcome. I am sorry your loss is why you are here but trust that you will feel more comfort wen you need it most. I was at my lowest at three months. Perhaps because I was getting past the initial shock but I found help and if you are in counseling, you've made it that far. Now you must go a little further. One step at a time. One day at a time. It is difficult when you must handle so many issues and tasks on your own. I know, because I found I could even though I had many doubts. Try not to make decisions quickly. Rarely is their a time restriction to keep you from thinking things out. You will get through this. It may be very hard and it may be terribly sad, but you are not alone. You are truly not alone. Stephen

Maryann I know it hurts right now and even though it was helping others. Perhaps it brings to mind that Mark is truly gone and so it dampens the good feelings of what it means to those who were helped. One day you will feel warmer inside for the gift he made. The Lions Eye Bank is a truly great organization which has been around since I was a small child. I used to ride with my dad who flew donated eyes to different cities back in 1957. Nice to see them still doing it.

Often on my journey I have found myself confused. I want to express a feeling but I'm not entirely sure what it is. My dilemma comes from a trip I took last weekend that I wanted to make. No I needed to make! I am in my last few weeks of flying which though inevitable, is still another loss but that's how it goes. But it's so hot here in the center of the "Stinking Desert National Park", and I had to go somewhere cooler. I flew to Santa Barbara and a quick drive from there to a sleepy Scandinavian village of Solvang where Kathy and I would go every few years. I have been on many trips alone now but this was bound to have triggers galore. Of course where would that not happen? So I go anyway and why? Because I refuse to stop living and it honors her that I do. It's like I always say, why be miserable at home when you can be miserable on a trip? So I went and I found feelings new to me. I felt like a new man, not refreshed, not enlightened, but different. I was not the same man I was a month ago. I don't know how to express being someone you don't recognize. My outlook was changing. I was morphing again. The area is major wine country and Kathy and I grew to love wine there. I made the rounds and brought back 20 bottles. I noticed but was not surprised that I was the only single person at every vineyard I went. It was either couples or groups of couples holding hands, sharing wine and cheese. It didn't upset me. Romantic was the mood and charm is the draw. They were in love. It's what they do. I've been one of those couples. I'm not part of that now. I don't wish to be part of that. I have no desire to be there again, holding hands and saying those words. I just can't love two women at the same time, but that's just me. What I did discover was that I didn't feel out of place. For the first time in years, I liked being who I was among people I didn't blend in with. I realized I was unique. Most people like me don't go to those places alone perhaps because it is too painful to try or they are too afraid to travel alone. I can understand that but I refuse to let it stop me. I know one day I will be too old to do it and I refuse to become an old man grumpy and muttering "I should have done it". Kathy would never have stood for that. I'm going to Maui next month for my anniversary. I'll make it through that one too and it gets better every time I do it. So if you've read this far, take a moment to think about what I've said. I hope you can express here what you would like to do. If it seems too difficult or scary, grab my hand and I'll help you up. If you've already done some traveling as I know many of you have, share it here and give courage to those who have yet to take that first step. Stephen

Suzanne! It's good to see others venturing out and taking those brave steps. Indeed Ric is with you and you are not entirely alone. My experience with a medium was powerful and quite true. It is not a myth. They really can reach loved one's. The proof is when you go. I heard things no other living soul could have known. Love the pic!

Exactly accurate and correct Kayc! Hard as it may be sometimes to rid ourselves of guilt, what you say is so true. I can only hope I will not do the same to my own children that they should be in the position of having to struggle with unfounded guilt. Men can often be a bit stubborn. My dad certainly was. Perhaps the last gift I can give them is to allow them to direct me. I should write this down and stick it on my fridge so they can hold it up to me later.

Harry, just the fact that you would do something to help others is a gift for Jane. It speaks a lot about who you are and also of who Jane is. If I understand anything about the person you are, I'm betting you would not need to hear that but it is the truth just the same. We honor them with what we do in life and you do that very well. I hope you share with us what your meeting on Monday unfolds. By the way, I look at cancer like it was a shark. It has no thought about who it kills. It just knows to feed. Personally, I hate sharks.

"It is what it is" Kay that simple truth was what my wife always said. It is one truth you just can't argue with. I accept that now but not before I lost my wife. After the doctors told me it was hopeless and she had but five days to live and they were going to go in with me to tell her, I said "no, I'll tell her". I went into her room, looked in her eyes, still so bright and alive, and told her. She just looked at me and said "it is what it is". For me, I was screaming inside my head "not good enough damn it". I hated that saying. I hated it for years. I don't anymore. Today I understand it. It is what it is. It is after all the most simple truth. At ten years on your journey, you are indeed one of my hero's. I say that because your courage proceeds you. I have a widowed friend of seventeen years who I look up to as well. Surviving indeed though perhaps still working at it. Froggie your mention of the prescription bottles with his name on them reminded me of the same experience. I remember holding that bottle of percocet in my hand and thinking............... oh yeah, that was a dark place. I am grateful that I am hell and gone from that time. Yes it can be good to remove certain things quite early. On a lighter note, changes can be good. The whole concept of changing our environment can and should be exciting. We can look at it as a positive if just by knowing they would find joy in us doing so. It means we were going on with our lives and that simply has to please them. Kathy always liked to change things, buying new decor, traveling to new places we'd never been, and all aspects of her life. Seems to me she would have spoken out long before I made changes that they were certainly due. That brings a smile to my face.

I just love those truisms you find Anne. I have a few now mounted on magnets stuck on my fridge. And Kay, I do have a lady friend and I think more than one but it is just that.......friends. I would say purely platonic if that word makes any sense. It just doesn't get physical nor would the L word ever be used. I have men friends as well but none of them could ever address deep emotional issues. I think most of us here have settled into a new way of living but for me, last night just clicked with that "aha" moment. That is the time you looked at yourself in the mirror....I mean really looked at yourself, and after all these years saw who exactly you are.

Last evening I came to a realization, an epiphany if you will, about who I have become. I am four and a half years now on this grief's journey which is enough time to have made this discovery. I now understand who I am and how I shall be for the rest of my days. I had responded to a post about triggers and thought about the changes I have made in my own home when later as I was sitting, thinking, and looking about the room that I haven't actually had a trigger moment in my house for years. My home is still filled with Kathy's memory in the furniture, décor, tableware, and so many things yet they have not triggered a sad memory in so very long. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that my trigger moments were happening when I was away from home. When I travel, shop, eat out, and yes even at work, I have moments when sorrow creeps in. It's not the object. It's not the smell, sound, or taste that does it. It's just simply her memory. It just comes into my thoughts so many time during my day. Every night when I go to bed I think about how much I love her and think again with my first thought as I awake. It has been that way since that first night. I now realize that it will be that way for the rest of my life and that isn't such a bad thing. What I understand now is that this is who I am. I know beyond any doubt that I will live this way, functioning quite well as I explore life. I know I shall always be a bit lonely but it is my choice to be without another relationship. This new me who is called widowed, will function in society, pay his taxes, and seem outwardly okay. I will however still have those sad moments and find sanctuary when I get home. For there I can let it out and not puzzle those who don't "get it". I will still travel, enjoy my sons and grandchildren, and dine with friends, but I will still be alone. This is who I understand I have become and will always be. I am so very okay with that. I just understand that I am no way anything like I was before she left. After enough time, don't we develop a good understanding of who we are? For me, last night was the moment.......... my moment. I am simply put, just Steve, not Steve and Kathy.

There is something to be said in changing our surroundings. I knew from the beginning that nothing lasts forever. Things break, wear out, or best, broken by grandchildren. Once I accepted that fact, I began to replace things with new because after all, it's just stuff. You are right Harry. Triggers will never be out of our lives. There always will be a song, or movie scene, or one item still lying around the house not to mention pictures. At best, we can build our lives with new adventures, and new décor. I see Kathy in everything I do and buy. If you live with and love someone long enough, you begin to realize that you are a combination of two with taste and style that wasn't quite who we were before we met. But we do live on do we not? When I change a room, I stand back and look at it maybe with a little pride and imagine what she must think of what I've done. You paint a great picture of your home Harry. It sounds like you are doing quite a nice job. Stephen

Your post Anne is about the most powerful thing I have read and listened to in a long, long time. Thank you for sharing it.