KarenK

A few years after Ron died, I tried perusing some dating sites, a completely foreign concept to me. Being much older, there were not many men to choose from. I didn't want an "old man", and these old men were looking for someone 20 or 30 years younger anyway. I finally realized that the person I was seeking would never be found because he was already dead. That was the end of that. Although I'm lonely, I'm not that interested in starting over. I think my flame of wanting love has been doused.

Ruth, I guess I had to think about this a while. I have been in a semi-fog for longer than I care to remember. My husband died in 2013, and then I lost my daughter in 2014, both to cancer. We were married for over 40 years. I feel as if I'm living someone else's life and I don't like it. I'm not sure that I have grown, rather lost the carefree, try anything once attitude I used to have. Facing your own mortality will do that to you. I'm sure getting older and a bit slower with failing body parts doesn't help. Ron and I had no close friends. It was always just the two of us. I don't have a lot of faith and trust in people(give me a dog, any day) and although I've tried joining a few groups, I am uncomfortable. I feel somehow that I just don't fit in. I'm not financially able to travel, even if I wanted to. I look back some 43 years to when my father died. Ron and I always helped her in any way that we could, but until I lost Ron, I don't think I realized how my father's death affected my mother. We just didn't talk about it and I feel guilty now. Perhaps there was something more that I could have done. I kind of feel like my life is in permanent limbo, waiting for something, just not sure what it is.

Gwen, cataracts cause night glare and halos. Not saying you have them, but I do. I am definitely lax about going to the ophthalmologist. Used to have vision insurance when I was working, but lost it when I retired. It was the one thing the union didn't bargain for for retirees, I guess. All those years ago, I was told I had the beginning of cataracts, but not enough for surgery. I just keep buying $1 reading glasses in stronger strengths. LOL All laughing aside, I used to have a prescription pair for reading and driving. Bifocals gave me a terrible headache. I can get by in the daytime as long as I don't have to read a street sign. After dark, it is absolutely scary so I really try to stay off the street. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until I got caught leaving the grocery store in the dark last week. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone. My doctor visit is considered medical so insurance covers that. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and pay for "real" glasses, I guess. It's nice that you've been invited to some festivities. Perhaps one of the party or band gig invites could give you a ride if you feel up to going. It's not "family", but it beats sitting at home. I'll probably celebrate with the dogs. Although my family is here, they are in their own world.

Kay, I hope your little guy is doing okay. I'm sure he was very frightened. I checked out the Alaskan Klee Kai when you told us his breed as I had never heard of it before. What a special little dog and quite rare. Sending hugs for you and Kodie.

To quote Johnny from another thread "I will never know another happy Christmas". That's how I'm beginning to feel. My last was in 2008 and it was semi-happy. I was in Kentucky with my daughter awaiting her first cancer surgery on Jan. 1, Ron having flown home for emergency hand surgery. My granddaughter and I drove into the "boonies" looking for a tree farm to cut our own. Two ferocious, huge dogs were on the owner's porch. We decided not to chance it and found one at Lowes. I tried to make Christmas nice for Debbie with decorations and presents, but it really wasn't in our hearts. That was the year I ordered a small decorated tree for Ron who was home alone. That's what I still use, all these many years later, accompanied by a nativity scene and minimal presents. The family room corner looks forlorn. That's what I feel in my heart. I set it up today and remembered the many, many years of 7 ft. trees decorated with all my beautiful decorations and Christmas bears and items sitting around(which I still have, but don;t know why). So many presents you could barely count. My son said he couldn't even remember the last time we had a big tree. Where did it all go? I'm so sad.

Gwen, pictures are in Loss of Pet Section, living with Loss thread.

Saw the pictures. What a cutie! Is he a Husky? Boy, you're in trouble now! Remember to put up anything you don't want chewed. What a nice early Christmas present! Your son is very special.

Marty, at least you didn't get called "ditzy". That's what Michelle called me one time when I missed the curve and almost put us in the ditch in the dark. LOL Reminds me of those "40's" pin up girls.

Thanks, Dee. I know they have those at the dollar store. I'll put that on my list. There are lots of neat little things at the dollar store. I get my Yardley bath soap there, among other things.

Just precious, Kay! I think she is a miniature version of you. Glad you were able to go and made it home safely.

A lighted dog collar.......Now, there's a novel idea. No place to plug in a nightlight. This house is very old and wired strange. There's a switch at either end of the hall. If you turn it off at one end, it will only turn back on from that same end. Very inconvenient. For 50 years, I have always used the bedroom end. I was entering from the kitchen end, so..... I can always leave the bathroom light on with the door ajar, unfortunately it was occupied at the time. Anyhow, I hurt all over. I know poor Kay gets hurt doing worthwhile stuff and bounces back. I'm not as resilient. Ah Gwen, dog balls and beef bones! It's a mine field. Most people have kids toys laying around, but not us. LOL

Well, forget sleep for now. Elbow is hurting too bad. Took a chunk out of it and I'm definitely a WUSS when it comes to pain. So sorry to hear about your sister, Marty. And right during the holidays, too. Maybe she can do her shopping online. It sure is a lot easier.

Old age has finally caught me. I NEVER fall down, but took a nose drive in the hallway a little while ago. NOT FUN! Hallway is pitch black and heaven forbid I should turn on the light. I tripped over the black dog who was invisible. Didn't break anything, but tore up my elbow. Scared my son right out of the bathroom. lol Think I' ll go lay down for a bit and turn on the light from now on.

Gwen, Am worried about you! When is the CT scheduled? One of the symptoms of CHF is fluid retention in the extremities, which you probably already know. It can be helped with Lasix.(I know, another damn pill). Please check in when you can. WE LOVE YOU!

Kieron, my heart goes out to you. Sepsis is among the things that killed my Ron. Even after all this time, I still have regrets of things left unsaid or undone. He was invincible(had been for over 40 years). He couldn't die, and then he did. Those things and others roll through my mind 24/7 like a bad movie. In our hearts, we have to know that they knew how much we loved them. I have made it out of the "rabbit hole", but cannot take that first step into the field.

Gwen, what you said about jumping reminded me of a horrible thing that happened where I worked many years ago. A young man(about 15)came to visit his father and instead of leaving afterward, he found his way onto the roof of this 26 story secure(by badge only) building and jumped into the courtyard below. Needless to say, he was no more. I didn't know the father or the story behind it, but it was so sad. Such a young soul to feel the need to end it. May he rest in peace.

For all intents and purposes, another Thanksgiving has passed, except for the pie. Passed without Ron's delicious dinner, although Robert and I made turkey with all the trimmings(good, but his was better). Passed without a phone call from my daughter. Damn, I miss those two. Nothing is the same. There was a time when we sat around the table and talked. Now, each of us grabs a plate and heads to our respective TV shows. There was a time(for years) when I signed and addressed a ton of Christmas cards after Thanksgiving clean up was finished. Now, I send no cards at all. And time marches on..................

Johnny, You are much braver than I. Here, we have the Grand Canyon Skywalk, a glass walkway that juts out over a portion of the canyon. I have not been on it and don't intend to go. Heights are not my thing. Hoping the 30th will be bearable for you. It does get easier over time.

George, so thankful this was caught and repaired in time. You are a very important part of our "family". May you be watched over and protected.

At the grocery store today, one of the managers asked my son & I if we were ready for the holiday. I stopped myself from replying "What's a holiday?" I still try to act like there's a Thanksgiving & Christmas with traditional meals & a few decorations, but really, all days are much the same to me. My spirit floated away many years ago. I miss that spirit, but can't seem to find it again. It's too bad we can't buy friends on Amazon and have them delivered.

Oh Gwen, It just breaks my heart that no one can find a solution to your pain. I suppose they could give you stronger pain meds, but that would just zombie you out to where you couldn't even drive or function as well as you do. Before the guys moved in with me, I also ate a lot of Stouffers and take out. I'd sometimes make a casserole and put little containers in the freezer. I haven't found a fast food burger that I like so just made my own and froze them. I already disliked the new bottom denture I got(feels like you have a wad of plastic in your mouth), so now I have a top one to contend with also. A few weeks ago my handcrafted top front tooth bit the dust. My dentist had made it for me and it lasted for years, but it decided to break off at the gum, so he ordered a denture for that and missing teeth. Had the rest of it pulled today and it hurts like an SOB. Like you, I'm so tired of things falling apart, but I just grit my teeth(the few I have left) and remember the day poor Ron had 13 teeth pulled, a power port and feeding tube put in and I think "What am I complaining about". We're supposed to get rain for the next 3 days, a rarity around here. We'll probably get a drop a day. lol

Marg, Reference to your old films made me think of the box of films I have here up in a closet. I believe they are 8mm and 16mm. I still have the projector and screen also, just have never bothered to view them in 40 years. Don't know if they are still viable as those things fade out over time. I remember one Ron took of Evil Knievel at Beeline Dragway. He fell backwards over a fence and got a nice view of the sky. lol I even have a couple of me as a baby in Houston. Now, those are really old! Might be fun to set everything up and watch them, but doubt I know how to thread and run the projector. Thought we might move a couple of years ago, but that possibility faded away. I sold half my Kachinas and Madame Alexander dolls along with one display cabinet, 400 DVD's, most of Ron's guns and collectibles and a huge gun safe to start downsizing and because we needed the money. That didn't even make a minute dent in all the stuff around here. I look at what is left now and think "Why did we waste all that money on these things?" In reality, it all means very little now and will mean nothing at all when I'm gone. I'm sure I'd die before I got it all packed and moved anyway. I am proud of you for setting your mind to it and getting it done.

So true about the bango, Marty. My BIL plays a mean "Deliverance". Don't know much about folk music, Gwen. My knowledge is limited to Arlo Guthrie's "City Of New Orleans" and "Alice's Restaurant". Haven't heard them in ages, but love them both. Almost forgot Joan Baez, one of my very favorites. Dee, Ricky Nelson came to one of the bar/clubs here when he was a bit older and in his country phase. Ran out of seating so they shuffled us to the floor right in front of the stage. Sat about 3 feet from him(swoon)! He looked so handsome in his brown cord jacket. Oh, to be 25 again. I've been to a few concerts and it's funny how different the crowds are. Respecful at Kitaro, wild and crazy at Aerosmith, laid back at Johnny Rivers, rambunctious at Brooks and Dunn, stoned at Moody Blues, and all of the above at Eagles, which was a huge crowd at the ASU stadium. Loved them all!

Marg, Being from West Virginia, Ron was Bluegrass all the way. My first visit there, the porches were full of old guys and their banjos. In fact, my BIL is an excellent banjo player. We had a ton of CD's that I got rid of after Ron left. Most of them were just too twangy for me. When I was 11 and shoveling(for free rides) at the stable in Colter Bay, Wy, we drove in to Jackson Hole and I bought my first "45's", "Don't Take Your Guns To Town" by Johnny Cash and "Please Help Me, I'm Fallin'" by Hank Locklin. I was hooked. I guess that era of country music just spoke to me. On the awards show, Dolly said she heard if you played a country record backwards, you'd get your house back, your dog back, and your wife would come back. If it were only that easy................

I'm very familiar with dog vomit. Marley tends to throw up easily, always on the carpet! Different subject here, but I watched the CMA Awards tonight, only because it was supposed to celebrate the music of top female singers. A big disappointment to me. My brain is still living in the 60's and 70's expecting music of Patsy Cline(my favorite), Loretta Lynn, Tammy Wynette, etc. You get the picture. Although it was co-hosted by Reba and Dolly, alongside Carrie Underwood, who are these new people and where did country music go? As Barbara Mandrell sang "I was country when country wasn't cool" and I don't even know what genre to call it anymore. I guess everything changes over time and we sure can't go back and ask time to stand still. If we could, none of us would be here. Peace