KarenK

Kay, Thinking maybe you should have a "Christmas In July" celebration like some of the stores do. I know we love our dogs, but they put a damper on things sometime. Would be difficult if we ever decided to take even a short trip unless we took 2 vehicles. Although my truck is big, 2 big dogs and a person would not do well in the back seat. Guess we are homebodies by choice.

This will be my sixth Thanksgiving without my "chief cook" and his special dinner and the fifth without a call from my daughter. Those things are gone forever. He could outcook me any day of the year, but we always looked forward to this one. I am still the "bottle washer", but don't put in a lot of cooking effort for me, my son , and grandson. Opted for ham and the trimmings this year. Easier prep and cleanup and you still get leftovers. Will most likely watch TV alone while eating with the dogs at my feet waiting for a dropped morsel. Just another day, only with more food. Will most likely go shopping afterward just to be out of the house.

It is Ron's voice you still hear on my voice mail. I have no reason to change it. I still have a cassette made at Xmas in the 80's with his voice. No videos. We never made it fully into the digital age, but did get a Kodak Easyshare system to print the last few years of vacation pictures. It is sometimes hard to look at the photos throughout the years knowing what is to come. Nov. 19 will be our 46th anniersary, my 5th alone. I have watched the memorial video of my daughter two times. It is almost too much to bear. Her death has still blindsided me. I had not seen her in a year and could not have imagined how very ill she had become. On the phone, she told me to bring tennis shoes so we could go fishing. That never happened. She died within a month after I got to Kentucky.

I live in the state of "Numb", another one to add to the existing 50. I moved here when I lost Ron and Debbie. As much as I want to move away, I am waiting...........Am I waiting to die or waiting to live again? I really don't know. This is not me, that person who was half of the couple always on the go, eating out, traveling around seeing new sights, doing crazy things. I remember one Saturday driving to all the "Big Lots" in this 100 mile wide valley, buying little things we didn't need, wasting gas, but it was FUN. Have not visited with FUN in such a long time, we would not recognize each other. I must not be completely useless as I cook and clean for me and the guys. I am simply useless to me. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing left to dream about. Pretty sad when the only thing you look forward to is the new episode of "Criminal Minds". lol I don't converse with anyone except you all here. I suppose I'm not very good at socializing anymore. Used to be, but that died with my family. I'm not a bar person, a church person, or a meetup group person. Damn, I am boring! But then, I don't have to listen to others talk about their fun adventures. Besides, I get enough of that watching people shop for their million dollar homes on "House Hunters".

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and young son. I lost my husband to cancer in 2013, and my daughter one year later, also to cancer. I gave permission to remove him from life support and held his hand as he died many hours later. It took a long time to erase the guilt I felt. I suppose it was a peaceful death, if death is peaceful. My daughter died screaming and in convulsions forsaken by the higher power she loved in her moment of need. That is, of course, my opinion. Her death was not peaceful and much harder to adapt to. It has taken me many years to adapt to their deaths. I will never "accept" them. The cycle of life is logical, but certainly not comforting to me, nor is the idea of laying down and dying. For this reason, I move forward a little each day. There are still days when the memories bring tears. I'm sorry that you had to find us, but be assured that we understand at least some of what you are feeling and will listen and help in any way we can. I'm glad you have friends and family nearby and a counselor you can relate to. As Marty said, do not rush your grief. There will be days you will feel okay and days it will sneak up on you like a thief in the night. Peace to you.

Things much the same here. No trick or treaters for several years now. Not many small children in this neighborhood and imagine those that are attend the community Halloween in the nearby park. Even after all these years, had a bit of sobbing while fixing dinner. My son had gone to Fry's for a few groceries. Ron did the grocery shopping and Fry's was his choice of stores. Reminded me of his last days as he struggled to communicate. He couldn't talk so I had given him a pad and pen to write, but his brain wouldn't allow that either. He managed to scribble "wife" one morning, and later "Fry's". Those were the only two things I could read. I somehow think he was telling me to go get groceries. Who knows? Anyhow, that sad memory is burned into my brain along with so many others. Can't seem to outrun old age. It catches me no matter how fast I run. Am going to have to get more teeth pulled and partial dentures if I want to keep eating. Not what I wanted to hear, but guess I needed another reason to feel depressed. lol

Having my own quiet "pity party", Gwen, but for somewhat different reasons. Can't sleep for worrying about my stupid teeth. Three front bottom teeth were loose and my dentist was going to wire them to the surrounding teeth. One of them snapped off at the gumline two nights ago and I know when the remaining piece is removed, it will take out the other two teeth. Like you with your oxygen, I never dreamed I'd end up a snaggle toothed old woman. I doubt I can afford a bridge if one would even work. My son offered to pay for it from his house sale money, but that's dwindling fast enough with him unable to work right now. I certainly don't need to look attractive for anyone, but would like to look halfway normal and continue to eat. Here I am feeling sorry for myself when my poor Ron had all his teeth pulled in one day in preparation for radiation. All that extra pain for nothing as he died before the radiation could be started.

That is interesting to know, Dee. I have experienced the "halos" for at least 15 years or more. They bother me most around the traffic signals and oncoming headlights. Don't drive at night unless it's an absolute necessity. The ophthalmologist told me many, many years ago that I was developing cataracts, so I just assumed that was the cause of the "halos". I don't drive far from home so can get by in the daylight. Just don't ask me to read a street sign. I use dollar store glasses for reading. Have just put my vision on the "back burner" for many years. I lost my vision insurance at retirement thirteen years ago and there were so many other things that needed financial attention. The doctor's visit is covered by medical insurance, but not glasses themselves. Go figure.

I did have that fungal pneumonia back in Kentucky. Not sure if a preventative shot would have helped that because it was a weird type. Definitely no fun. My immune system was shot to pieces then also. Son feeling better. Eating only baked chicken and rice, applesauce, and yogurt and drinking carrot juice, aloe vera juice, and water. Boring, but seems to be helping his stomach.

I am stubborn. I don't get flu shots, pneumonia shots, shingles shots, mammograms, colonoscopies, or any of the numerous other things my doctor is always suggesting. Finally agreed to a simple physical during summer mostly because the doctor's office needed to comply with regulations to qualify for the Medicare status, or so he said. I do take BP medicine and have blood tests for that. Have low sodium and potassium and dizziness and COPD caused by me. Just don't go to the doctor unless I'm at death's door, which doesn't happen often. Have to stay healthy enough to be here for my son and grandson. Son is very sick right now with stomach cramps, which have been around for 3 weeks. Got him to ER. Ran a bunch of tests and are referring him to a gastro doctor for possible ulcer. He is never sick and this has us very confused. Will let you know what happens. The "cancer" worry lives in my mind always.

Lost, I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and sister. People tend to make statements about things which they have never experienced, perhaps out of kindness or ignorance. There really is no "normal" for grieving. We all grieve in our own time, in our own way. I lost my husband 5+ years ago and my daughter a year later, both to cancer. It has taken me a very long time to adapt to the idea that they are gone forever. For me, I will never "accept" it, just adapt to it. Somehow, you just move forward a little bit at a time. And yes, there will still be days where you fall back three steps. I'm glad that you found our group, but sorry for the reason. We understand at least some of what you are feeling.

Gwen, This just p's me off that you and other volunteers are treated this way to begin with. You are taking nothing away from the company by staying longer as a volunteer and enhancing the lives of the residents as well. What is the problem or is management just dense? You'd think they would be appreciative. I would hope your friend would come to you if she had a problem. Maybe management has "flies on the wall" to report all the BIG rule breakers.

Elizabeth, So cute! How very talented you are! In my neighborhood, you would have to protect them with a shotgun. lol I used to decorate for the various holidays when the kids were little, but haven't for many years. No trick or treaters anymore as it's safer for them to go the city sponsored activities in the parks. Just as well as my dogs would go crazy.

Hate to think of you driving in the snow(something I have NEVER done), but I'm sure you are used to it. Hope you are settled soon before winter really kicks in. Nice to see you have met a "special" person.

Gwen, one of the hardest things is knowing that they are never coming back and will never be in a particular room or use a particular piece of furniture. Not too long after Ron left, I replaced the sofa and the lounge chair that he used a lot. At least I didn't see his ghost there anymore. He had slept mostly on the sofa for a long time as the bed was no longer comfortable to him, so I don't have a problem there. I'm just so sorry that all this physical and mental pain is coming down on you. I hope you are able to find someone to talk with. WE LOVE YOU!

No apology necessary, Darrel. We are a "tribe"(as our Feralfaye used to say) and we would not be complete without you. We all have crappy days.

Thinking of you, Gin. For me, it does not seem to get easier or more acceptable with time, but somehow just more adaptable.

Marg, such a nice picture of you and Billy! I keep one of Ron on the wall next to my computer. My other family photos are in a display cabinet with my Kachinas. Almost sad to look at some of them as you can see their lives being drained away. I rarely drink anymore. Did my share of partying when I was younger. Sadly, Ron was not a nice person when he drank too much. I'd just fall asleep. Later in life, we'd share a Margarita with Mexican food. I usually have a bottle of Boone's Farm around, but it takes me forever to drink it(I go for the high class stuff). I suppose May and July are my crappy months, both death anniversaries.

Sorry Kay, fumble fingers here. That was meant to be 2 inches, not feet. Rain finished, but it was nice for a change.

Thinking of you, Katie. Hoping for much better times ahead for you and your boys.

The ol' valley is inundated with rain from remnants of a tropical storm. Received 2' in about 10 hrs, which is probably nothing to a lot of you, but is a rare sight for us. Rained so hard for a few hours that water was coming in around the furnace stovepipe. That's a first for me. The desert doesn't know what to do with all that water so it flash floods everything. Wonder how many "stupid" motorists will require water rescue as they attempt to "ford the river." Always a few, even though there's a law against crossing the barricades with stiff fines. High and dry here and plan to stay that way.

Good for your son, Kay! I'm glad he was able to get it figured out and fixed. Ron did all the oil changes, brake jobs, tune ups, etc. on the vehicles until his various illnesses zapped his strength. I have a good mechanic that does the repairs now, but Robert does the oil changes. From the time Robert was little, he watched his dad like a hawk and was one of those kids that wanted to take apart and reassemble stuff. When he was 16, my mother bought him an old Chevy Blazer which soon needed a new engine. He bought a Chilton Manual, read through it, and completely rebuilt the engine by himself in the carport. Ron was a "jack of all trades" and when he died, I found 3 of every tool known to man around here. Both of them are a whole lot smarter than I am when it comes to fixing things, but there's always Gorilla Glue, WD40, and duct tape. lol

Marg, your remark about being "in pretty good shape for the shape you are in" made me think of the old Kenny Rogers and The First Edition song "Just Dropped In To See What Condition My Condition Was In". So bored I looked up the lyrics and although the song was supposedly written as a deterrent for LSD users back in the day, a portion of the lyrics expressed somewhat familiar feeling to grieving(to me anyway). This is just unnecessary trivia on Saturday morning, I know. I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it inI watched myself crawling out as I was a-crawling inI got up so tight I couldn't unwindI saw so much I broke my mindI just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in Funny, I do the same things with characters names in books. It's too tedious to wade through weird names so many times. I have never been into historical or fairy tales. I stick mostly to "murder and mayhem". Maybe I was in law enforcement in my past life. lol

Oh Darrel, I don't believe anyone here was indicating that you are the "village idiot". We were simply expressing our responses concerning the ways we view the amount of time that our loved ones have been gone. Hope you reconsider.

Darrel, Miller is between Scottsdale Rd. and Hayden. Your store was in the nicer part of Scottsdale. That area has really built up as has all of north Scottsdale. Big, fine homes and expensive stores. Afraid I live in south Scottsdale which is not so nice now, but was when I bought the place in 1968. I stopped counting the days and months a long time ago. Ron has been gone over 5 years and Debbie over 4. It is hard to imagine that much time has passed. Some days I am still in a fog.