Gwenivere

I’m starting today with aggravating phone calls with places. Aggravating conversations with Dee. Her thought processes that make things more complicated than they have to be. An example is my brakes need to be adjusted or needs some parts. She thinks I should be ale to tell them when to do it. I told her it takes an appointment. She gets angry with them. It’s callous business. Like you can’t just go the doctor when you feel like it. She goes to appointments, even social,. I’m tired of her supposed logic which isn’t. Just had the most ridiculous conversation. Now we have nothing in common after all this time how much we understood each other and enjoyed each other. I’m never impressed enough tonight with things she does. She wants to do things I don’t care about with my stuff to help. I told her I'll ask if I need it and do. Trying not to get through the rest of this night as movie time was messed up again. Told I said something I know I didn’t. When we get things settled she’s on me about being here. My lifeline to the world. Jinny told me a lot of long tern and disabled people get overly anxious people become very stressed at the thought of leaving the house. She has it happening to her too. I’m terrified to go out. Just want to take my meds and crawl back into bed till the next dose and repeat all day. Don’t want to eat and watch the time drag by. Best get ready for a few hours. It won’t be fun to have.more time Sunday alone, but she’ll be gone for Super Bowl. 💕

Thanks to both of you. Dee doesn’t go to AA and won’t at his point. Perhaps I can make it request to stay here. She had been on an antidepressant but it was wrong for her. I think another try with another would be good and bring that up too as she has an appointment next week about the bloodwork. She is illogically stubborn which angers me. General conversation is so judgmental from her. I don’t say much now. Just internally shake my head. Counseling went well. Jimmy helped me with several issues. Biggest being not to se ll Steve’s van t o De.e. Would be a very bad idea like family loans. But 'm a head of myself there. Housekeeper coming today. Much needed laundry and rugs. Deep dusting. I like seeing Larenna too. She's ……….normal. off to bed. Waiting on the pain clinic changes until I talk to the doc.

Thank you Kay. Alerted a headache Tuesday night. Dee did get drunk again however. Was at wits end. Told her I have lost all trust in any promise’s anymore. She can’t identify the trigger. Extreme depression. That is always there. Always hits when she walks to the grocery at night. She did all the Wednesday night chores and feeding sick. Gets her blood draw today and follow up in a week. Still working on getting her van over here. I’m providing the space, another the tow or battery. Talked to the pain clinic pharmacist in the afternoon. I’m very nervous about the change to a pain patch while dropping the oxycodone. I requested he see if my doctor there can talk to me before or scheduled March appointment. They have me scheduled scheduled for 2 days with 2 different docs. Makes no sense. I think l'll ask they talk to my PCP to keep him in the loop. Scheduled another appointment with the surgeon to say I I can’t even consider the surgery, which he suggested I take time to do and also thought would be too risky. The bone density scan would just provide info on how bad it is. I can’t decide if it’s worth the trip and results to do. I mostly want to know how quickly this is going to progress. How much time I have before I have before giving up. Have. counseling today. It was good to have a reasonable evening. Off to a usual overnight. I did have some kinda f un dreams. Sure would like more.

Oh Karen, my heart feels so heavy for you. Our babies being sick is so hard. Holding your family close to my hear. 💕. Please keep us updated.

So good to see you, Feralfae. I’ve never spoke with you much, but have read about your rediscovery of exploring. I’m so happy for you. The change in wording does mean something. I dislike we have an extra anniversary date now. There were so many bad days with holidays and once happy birthdays. You will inspire many. Hugs. 💕

Your words are so very true, James. For me tho, another person I don’t want. I don’t want the touch of another. But, yes, nothing will ever feel right again without Steve. He’s been gone so long now I don’t even know if I could to be touched by him. Ive been so changed by this experience. The only time I don’t feel inner torment is in sleep. I get physical pain instead. Slightest wakefulness brings the mental tho. So there is no escape, ever. Sheemie, you’ll never feel normal again. Some adapt easier, some don’t. You haven’t reached 2 years yet. This is still fresh grief. I’m going on 8 and I can easily be swept up like it was yesterday. Sadly, all you are facing is normal and you will get to hate that word more and more. Many hugs.

For some reason my post disappeared from Monday night and I know I submitted it. Isn’t the first time this has happened. Had a terrible day around Dee. Like clockwork she has been changing at dinner to brooding and angry. Usually about Robin. Maybe it’s good it disappeared as it had a long paragraph about the early evening. She fell asleep during the movie and woke with a massive headache that was frightening. I wanted to call 911 but she wouldn’t let me. She took some prescribed ibuprofen and I made her.go to bed. Checking in on her I startled her with her PTSD but she got back to sleep. I was worried all night. When I got up she hadn’t been up and I checked right away. She was alive. I was that worried. She’s better today but I’m still concerned. Don’t know what will happen at the witching hour. Spent my day on pre authorizations. So many lost or put in wrong. 4th call to return a medic pendant I didn’t need. 3rd time I was told they will be sending the right label soon. About ready to trash this box. It’s so in the way.. Had m shower and my hair trimmed. Usual plus depression. Added worry as I said so very hard with techie phone calls. Right on time Dee went whacky. Hours on hours. She says she ingests nothing. I'll have to ask in the morning again. Hope this pos5s and the words aren’t alerted by whatever it does. I always double check it.💕

I woke up with a mild full of nevers. I'll. never walk close to normally again. I’ll never wear jeans, shoes, drive, shop, cook, clean, take a shower, sleep, volunteer, just occasionally take pills, have a dog or eat again. So much is gone forever. I don’t feel missed. I know I mean everything to Dee. I guess that is what complicates so much. The pill thing is really annoying. I can’t even remember what it was when I only had the anxiety disorder to deal with. I know it was simpler. But back then I was very functional. I'd love to trade these gazillion bottles I have for just Tylenol. Maybe a xanax now and then. Dee's been having extreme funks every night now. Getting very tedious. I just end them as quickly as I can. Damn, she’s in very bad head pain. She won’t let me call anyone. I think it’s from falling asleep. I’ve got to tend to this…….

I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. Even celebrities we’ve enjoyed are declining. Sadly that is our demographic. I had to upgrade my phone a couple of years ago too. The tech stuff is just annoying, the loss of people is hard. I’m not close to anyone like. I was. Dee was drinking again. It’s getting so convoluted. I have to check out a resource I may have to pay and train for my needs and have her leave. That has me scared for the loneliness and depression factor, but I can’t keep taking the emotional and verbal abuse. The I have to repeated talks. Had my Zoom chat with Nina. It was the typical. She suggested another show. Life is so much TV. Need to contact my doc again for a Cologuard kit. These. Docs say they will order things and forget. So I call my insurance to see if there is a problem and told no, threy do pay but have no billing. Back to me contacting him again. Sometimes I wonder who’s the doctor. Since I don’t have a DEA#, he is. I've never had to talk to my insurance so much. So much for a healthy meal last night. Cheap cheeseburger and cold greasy fries. I replaced the fries with chips. Too lazy to come up with anything else and I. and had to hear too numerous repeats of Dee and Robin’s talk at the church. I’m just hoping her van fits alongside the driveway. If Steve’s van wasn't here, no problem. Don’t have the energy or emotion to sell it yet. Anyway……… Also have to prepare for a shower Tuesday. 💕

I went thru a bunch of paperwork I had stacking up. Putting most in the recycling. Can’t do much of anything with most of it. If it’s really needed they’ll send it again. Missing a referral I need. Already told my doctor. I thought my talking to the Pain Clinic pharmacist was video, but it’s phone. I hate those plus I have to wait for them to call. I use the speakerphone, but can’t do the flash as it drops everything. I know it sounds like a small thing, and is, but it’s annoying when you’re so down. Movie time was interrupted as Dee decided she needed to talk to me about Robin halfway thru it. Last night the witching hours came again. All about how much she loved Maria, I don’t really care about her, I live with my nose in the iPad, I'm boring, I hurt her (let’s forget all the time we spent to figure out how to fit her van here so she can end the Robin crap), my kindness of helping her and other support in her mental grief and helping monetarily when needed . She loves me then she doesn’t. Always after dinner for hours. She’s in her room room and. I’m praying she stays there til tomorrow. Again, taking up time here again. It's time to pick up my pain meds. Hopefully that will happen today. They’re ready. I’ve got referrals coming out my ears. My portal says I can schedule online but I couldn’t get it to work. Church dinner tonight. Hoping it’s healthy. Need salads for the week. Off to bed. Hugs to all. 💕

Another day of finding out Dee got drunk again. The black out kind that she remembers nothing. I can’t say I really didn’t know, but sometimes it was those crazy pills she was given in. Those are gone now tho. We talked over triggers. I’m sure it won’t solve the problem. She needs to learn how to handle this on her own The depression is consuming me. Also how physically I keep getting so uncomfortable. I so want to be interested in something. I hate being so repetitive here. I always thank you all for that. The drama goes on between Dee and Robin. For all the time it takes up around here I'll be glad when it’s over. Dee's trying but I don’t think Robin will. Plan is to move her van here but I think R will give up that leverage. I’m having so many tremors all day now. It’s maddening. Makes eating very difficult. Trying to write, pick up things, especially small and take care of myself hard. Makes putting my hair up tough. Affect’s using eating cutlery and showers. It has to be neural. It’s been increasing with the pain. We’re having some nasty weather with rain and high winds. I was glad to see the weather is finally easing up for me midwest and east is finally going back to normal. All those people endured so much. Have to contact some pharmacist for the pain clinic, I think. I’m so confused between them and the surgeon. Found out my doc didn’t sign a referral for days. Messaged him to please do so. Tme for beg routines. Hoping I don’t fall so deep into the dark mood. Wish I could sob, I know that would help. I know why it’s called a good cry.

I talked to Dee today. I was honest and said I didn’t want a cat. There is so much around the house that could cause trouble like my oxygen tubing. Getting tripped. The birds. She agreed. If something happened to her I couldn’t take care of it and probably gotten attached. She said it was selfish on her part because I can’t have my own dog. Another fear now is she could use this against me if she gets drunk. She said she wouldn’t, but I pointed out she can’t control that. I am surprised she acknowledges it’s not fair. Counseling was OK. Jimmy suggested calling a senior center to find someone like Dee. Someone that can come by and get me set fr the day. Not an agency that comes for 3 hours as I don’t want someone just hanging out or for showers. I have a bath aide. I do need shopping and set up to MW dinner. It would be very long days between tho. That darned trapped feeling. But I'd need help with bulb’s burning out and little things as they come up. Gads, another fight about a change in the shopping list. I changed how many bags of potato chips I wanted and Dee went bonkers. Yelling at for being a difficult woman. How she does everything for me to be perfect. I never asked for that. This is all too coincidental to happen almost nightly now just after dinner. ANOTHER discussion today. Then she is lucid and makes sense. Last night was also about wanting her mother who gave her away and nothing to live for. so another wasted post. I’ll try again today. Maybe torture myself with my insurance about pre authorization the pain clinic treatments. For now I’ll getting ready for horrid sleep. Thought it was Saturday today. 3 days of her here to start the day. Thanks for putting up with me. 💕

Was a terrible day Wednesday. Tuesday night totally drained me with all the fighting. Alcohol came in as well, but Dee started angry from the time spent with friend and her husband , who is a Christian, who made very strong opinions about-me. Because I have a license plate holder saying 'born again pagan' and a Darwin fish that has 'fish and chips' in it. These Christians labeled me a heathen. I’ve found group religions people very hypocritical all my life. Including my family’s Catholicism. I believe each person’s belief should be respected unless it includes harm to others. Anyway, it was that and Dee's already stirred up anger and then drinking too much to take. But not the place for religion. She’s moved on about how I don’t like cats. She is correct about that. But I agreed to try it. Talked it over in counseling. Jinny thought it might be good to have a pet and a dog is out. I might come to like it. Dee says she won’t have slips which is something she can guarantee. I’m going to say it goes if she does. That I haven’t told her yet. She must agree to that. Almost made it through a day. Had a telemed with the surgeon who feels the surgery is probably not for me. Not that I want it. So I'm supposed to talk Dee into a cat now and hear the doctors can’t help my pain? This is absolutely nuts. And there was more stuff with insurance about the pain clinics medication. Wish I could just be left alone. The very thing I hate too. 😰

Sincere condolences on the loss of your brother. I’ve not known that pain, but I know death hurts so deeply. Many hugs, George. 💕

I can’t even write anything more. I’m erasing what wrote last night as it was about Dee. Hours consumed last night. A friend of hers twisted her more fragile mental state, and he r husband, about my feelings for her. Spent hours in hell. Got to get to sleep.

WD40 and getting debris out of the walkers front wheels made all the difference. I still get pain and.winded, but I don’t have to fight it. My bathroom is small for a walker. It does have tile and a throw rug. Old movies.are fun, but they remind me of better times. I'd rather not see the actors anymore. Within the last 10 years seems I don’t. With all the channels still not much choice. There is so much entertainment out there, I don’t know why they keep rerunning the same stuff. How did you hurt your finger, Kay? Dee was yelling at me last night for hours. Says se wasn’t drinking. I'll know more today. I am actually hoping she was for wha was said. My biggest hope is I can get thru a shower and feel at least physically better about myself. I can’t even type anything else. At least I got her to stop for now. It will al be waiting for me in less than 10 hours.

Here it is Sunday. The despair is crushing. I don’t know where to turn. I keep thinking there is something wrong with my walker but I think it’s more me. Tho I also think things have become worse being home having to deal with thicker carpets aggravating more vertebrae. This is repetitive rambling. I’m always so sad when no one has said anything when I check in. This is my major connection to the world. That’s very sad too. All of you are so wonderful. Nothing really happened so far. That’s not good as the house rag by. I don’t want problems, but boredom is torture too. The church dinner is a big letdown. But can’t be ungrateful. Dee did get some lubricant for my walker. I can’t believe how badly it was locked up. I’ll find out walking now. Maybe it will help a little on the breathing. The pain won’t change tho.. I feel so awful after dinner. I did a glass of fiber yesterday. I think the handful of pills before sleep doesn’t help either. Start the day that way too. 3 times in between. Each side I sleep on has challenges beyond not moving which isn’t good already. One side kills my eye and leg, the other makes my neck hurt and leg jerk. Both kill my hips. Hoping I can stand a shower Tuesday. Last big decision is which side to start sleeping. What a life. 💕 you all.

My walker is a rolling one with a seat. They don’t take any weight off your back, balance only. The regular ones carry weight. They are so hard to use on my carpeting and I'm afraid when my oxygen drops I might fall. Yes, it was very hard to hear about Melody. Tore me up and will again. Knowing I c could never give her such a great life. Missing the one we had, just ours. Marg, Dee is an alcoholic and a very ugly one. It’s been happening too much and tearing me up. She also knows she has mental problems. Yet I care very much for he. Soon I won’t be able to stay in this house so that’s something I have to make plans for. She can be enjoyable or a monster to be around. My back is still very bad. I’m getting very scared. It’s the breathing that concerns me the most. My weight is also too low. We’re going to look into ways of making my walker move more smoothly. I get too breathless. I truly hope that helps. Watched a decent movie. Tried to get back into a TV series I was watching but have loss interest. Hard to f follow Yellowstone. 💕

Made up the saying. Guess the brain still works a bit. No changes in meds. I’m afraid to do anything more at this point. Doing my walks I can barely breathe and my heart pounds. Goes to normal in about a minute. I have kyphosis’ in my back now too. That is why I’m more bent over. It isn’t possible to restore but the surgeon wants to do another surgery, tho he did say I might not be a candidate. Not saying I would do it if I was. So many people have degenerative disc disease. Even people not dependent on a walker unable to stand. I’m just afraid something has happened in the past few days. It’s never been this bad. my shower got cancelled which I planned to do but thought I'd give a try. Next week I'll try not doing the hall treks. The housekeeper will be enough for today and calls. Called Melody's caregivers also. I could have written, but I decided to face it head on. Couldn’t talk long. Heard how well she is doing. No matter how much it hurts me, she is thriving and that’s what matters most. Dee seems OK after her park trek with buddies of her best friend on her, the friend's , birthday. Definitely going to be aching tomorrow. She’s trying to get 20,000 steps in for her record.. I said she couldn’t do it before the Apple watch resets at midnight. I really hope to get my walker wheels rolling easier. It’s getting too difficult to push. Then that hurts my back more. That ⎌could be aggravating my spine. It’s like a loop I'm caught in. Or, maybe like I already said, the damage is already done. Well, how things change and they surely did. Dee ruined the evening last night. Very intense. I won’t whine. You have all so patient with me. 💕 to you all.

Dee got drunk here. Other times she has walked home from the corner store. I believe she definitely blacks out from what I’ve seen. She’s been told that by others too. Kay, your kids are doing well on that. I drank considerably more, tied a few on, but wound up in spins and hangovers. I never become addicted. I do believe there is something some possess that causes that. Even if you come from a teetotaler family. Just like the opposite. Steve’s brother is the only one that didn’t have a problem out of 5. Most music GT's were here because his buddies saw how much he drank in social settings. I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling so sick the past couple days. It seems walking is harder . Sleep is definitely worse.I had counseling again and it’s not helping more than an hours conversation with my getting to say the same old things. Dees taking off for the day to be with a couple other close friends of her best friend on her birthday. I have to decide on a shower today or next week and the housekeeper here. If I do the shower I should plan on getting my hair cut too. A lot for one day. Watced Primal Fear Thursday night. Great movie. Great zinger at the end. Watching one i saw so long ago I forgot what it’s about. Have to get thru dinner. I don’t know where the afternoon hours go right now. Just made a couple calls. I'm just wondering if I have hit a general rock bottom of depression. I can’t see any light. At least I grumbled more. Now I feel nothing. It’s very different. All I think about is being gone. It’s scary. There’s no one to talk to. Nothing to aim for. The most I can hope for is this is recoverable. That it’s not a permanent condition. I just got an email about Melody. Reimbursement of supplies, vet bills and boarding when they traveled and they did a lot. I’m not fretting the money much, but having to talk about her is the last thing I need right now.. My fire hose has a lot of leaks right now.

Thank you both for caring and help. I was told PT wouldn’t help. I think they now mean for the pain. It can help, maybe, with muscle strength. I don’t know. I’m shaky and feel sick all the time. Could be the meds, lack of much exercise, stress, undiagnosed conditions, thyroid, all my doctors and clinics. My stomach s just in knots all the time. Tuesday night Dee drank again and remembers nothing. I told her I’m at wits end on this. Trust is broken. She’ll get suicidal and I can’t handle that. I know the feeling, but I don’t know what to do for someone else so often and when they react cruelly. I can threaten getting pressured help. Just can’t get out from being so down. I get so tired of being told things to experiment with and forced into being scheduled for. That eating is so much a chore than something to enjoy. No matter where my mind wanders I go there and am aware it’s gonna forever. Such a horrid outlook. Seeing all the bodies around me not twisted and bent. Dreading every move. Seeing how at least half my meds are addictive and I have to take them. Even the older people I see can at least move around. Being such a prisoner to meds, anxiety, pain and depression. Having no motivation to do anything to help myself as one doc will say yea and another no. It's so weird living a life I could have thought up in a hundred nightmares.

I’m finding insurance easier to deal with than actual doctors and agencies. The PT one that came out Monday was confusing and I put it off until I can sort out if they can really help me. Strengthen muscles they say. I was so tired and hadn’t been up an hour. I turned it down for now. Could take a long time to get them back. Supposed to be hearing about a nurse coming out. I don’t have another appointment with the surgeon and did that. Talked to the pain clinic yesterday. I am not impressed with they were thinking last we talked. Dee took another nose dive last night. ANOTHER morning having to talk about it after anxious about getting to sleep. She brought home a movie for me to see and after getting it all set up, asked I really wanted to see.iit. I said yes but seem convinced. *sigh* I can’t think of a thing I did wrong but say I wanted to watch what had been picked out next. I’m not as creative as she at finding reasons to confuse others. Way too much to process as usual I know. I don’t. My fatigue is ruling everything. I don’t know what it feels like to have energy for anything. Everything is pain and depression. Watched a Tom Hanks movie I didn’t really care for. He's a favorite usually. Housekeeper coming out Friday. Much needed. At least she’s sane. Shower dat too. Just want to be left alone. It’s such a trap needing Dee to stay in my home. I swear she’s got at least 3 different personalities. Only one I enjoy. Afraid who will show up.

This place has become my 'family'. I don’t have one of my own. Losing my husband took so much of me with him. It hasn’t been a week yet an the pain and shock are very raw. Time helps, but will never erase him. Everyone is different on their journey. Here you will find the comparison only someone else that knows death so intimately. Outsiders say they do, but 5hey don’t. They can’t. I wish you didn’t have to be here. You can say anything. We got it. I’m so sorry for your llss. 💕

I'd like to know how you got a positive mindset when everyday is a battle that has gone on for years? We are both in that boat. Every time I turn around I get more bad news.

All I can do is try. Still have to find things my insurance didn’t cover in rehab for taxes. Very high amounts I paid out of pocket. They cut off paying too soon. Also need to find out if my counseling is counted. So much work. Spent my whole Sunday afternoon on it. Got a good dinner from church. Getting late and Dee back in the whacko mode since the movie started. I'll probably get more grief being on the iPad. Her gripe lately. PT assessment messing up lunch today. Hoping she leaves me alone going to bed. It’s bad enough(. She wants me notice her every moment. But not like normal people. Hopefully I’ll get to go to bed without incident.