brat#2

Mitch - the ache and pain is horrible, sorry you are in such pain right now. Hugs Joyce

Gin, I have to give you an A for the effort. I don't blame you though, I wouldn't want to go through all those tests and vaccinations either. Keep looking if you want to, you will find something. Good luck Kevin, hope you feel better soon and keep your eye on spring for golf! Joyce

Happy Birthday Marty. So glad that I found this place full of caring people and you to help us through this journey. Have a wonderful day! Joyce

Autumn2, I'm sorry I missed your post yesterday. I know how are anniversaries are. I hope you were able to get sleep last night and that today is a little better for you. Joyce

I do believe that is one of the hardest parts of this journey, not being able to tell them something and hear their response of either a sigh of disgust or laugh or have their opinion. I talk to Dale every day and tell him everything that has gone on during the day, but it's not the same, but I'm sure I will never stop either. Joyce

Brad - I'm glad you are seeing progress and are able to get through the days and triggers a little easier. We are at about the same time line, I'm at 18 months and 21 days and some days I have to admit I'm not the blubbering mess I was, I still cry every day and usually 3-4 times a day at different triggers, but at least it's not all day and night now, and you are right there is a general melancholy 24/7 now, I guess that is progress. I really don't have much hope for a future yet and still at times wonder what I'm still doing here and what my purpose is, but I guess all we can all hope for is moving forward to some kind of peace and yes, maybe hope. I miss him so.... Hugs Joyce

Gwen you are in my thoughts and I know how hard these anniversary dates can be. Hugs Joyce

Thanks Darrel, but it was actually Kay that gave you that compliment, but I do agree with her! Joyce

I don't have any recordings of Dale either and I was just thinking pretty much the same thing that Ana said just the other night. I miss his deep, smooth, comforting voice and so wish I had a recording of it. I have pictures, which I cherish, but not hearing his voice is heart breaking. Although if I did have a recording of him, I'm not too sure I could listen to it that it might bring to much pain not having the real thing. Joyce

Gin, I'm to sorry I missed your post yesterday. I'm glad though that you were able to look at pictures and have good memories, that makes the day a little easier. Hugs Joyce

Gwen, I know too. I understand what you are saying. Since Dale died, I've gone through times of missing my mother and father again, it would be so nice to have that someone you could call and say what you are truly feeling and they be ok with it and just listen. Even though they both have been gone a long time, mom 41 years and dad 30 years, sometimes you just need your "mommy and daddy" when you don't have your "one and only" to get you through things. Joyce

Dale and I did talk about what we wanted done with our ashes, however, I have deviated just a little from what he wanted. He and so do I wanted to be scattered at the lake where we grew up and even though we weren't together then, we both have so many wonderful memories there as kids, then once we were together we had our own memories there going boating, so I gave some of his ashes to one of his daughters to scatter there this spring. Last year, I put some of him at my brother's vacation home in the panhandle of Florida, we had a lot of wonderful memories there and he loved it there so much. I also put some in our backyard, where the above ground pool use to be, because that was our favorite spot after work and on the weekends. I would like mine to be placed in the same places and then the rest of him and me mixed together in a urn. I don't care who gets that, but I want us to be together forever. Joyce

Amy, my heart is with you today. Hugs Joyce

Good for you Darrel!! Joyce

Thanks for sharing Maryann, what a beautiful way of putting it. Joyce

Mitch Sorry you are having such a hard time right now, especially at night. You will get through this, you are strong and with so many special days all wrapped up together that would bring any of us to our knees. I also agree, I don't think "winter" is helping any, it gets dark so much sooner and makes the evenings and nights so long. Keep waking up every day with that hope in your heart and it will get easier. Hugs Joyce

Marie, sorry for your pain today, anniversary dates are so hard. Good for you though, that you got up and went to PT. Every little movement forward is progress. Joyce

Darrel, you have not wore out your welcome here. When you feel comfortable I hope you will start posting again. You have given me encouragement and kind words and look forward to hearing more from you. Hugs to you Joyce

Darrel, it is nice when you can get that once in awhile upbeat day. Just because you had a pretty good day doesn't diminish how much you miss or love them and I know they would want us to have more better days than not. I think we all wish we had the magic words or ways to make our days easier, but like you said all we can do is take it one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. Joyce

Thank you all for your understand and words of encouragement. This is truly a wonderful place to feel free to say what you are feeling without being judged or told or looked at like you should be all better by now. Hugs to all Joyce

It's so true and truly is sad that not only did we lose our partner in life, almost immediately after that loss, we lost friendships and a social life. It's almost like we have some horrible disease that no one wants to be around. I'm sorry I'm not the same person I was when my life was happy, but I don't think these so called friends would be either after what we have been and are still going through. I doesn't and never will make any sense to me. Joyce

Thank you for saying so many things I feel and didn't know how to say. Joyce

Gwen, I know what you mean by when you look at yourself you don't know who you are anymore, I feel the same way. Being with Dale gave me such contentment and he made me feel confident and I just don't feel that way anymore. It is only here that we can say this and everyone understands, if you haven't been through losing that important, special person in your life you just can't understand. Joyce

Today is hard. I can't believe it's been 1 1/2 years since Dale left. It seems like yesterday, but yet it feels like forever ago. I feel empty inside, I don't feel much of anything still, not much joy, no excitement for the future, no security, no sense of meaning or belonging in this world. The one thing I do feel still is anger. I get aggravated so easily at usually the little things and still feel angry that he left me, but I know he didn't want to and did everything he could to not leave, but just didn't have a choice. This being in love, deeply in love, as a one way street really sucks. I'm pretty sure he still loves me and would want me to be happy and find meaning in life, but without hearing it from him on a daily basis is so difficult. I still get little signs now and then, not like I use to in the beginning, that he is still here with me, but it's just not the same as him really being here. I just love and miss him so. I guess all I can do is keep on loving him and keep on trying to find meaning to this life. Thanks for listening. Joyce

Marita, you are in my thoughts today and hope you can find a little peace. Hugs Joyce