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I'm so sorry, Kirk. The love you share with your precious Marley is clearly evident in this beautiful picture you've shared with us. I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort to know that here you are among fellow animal lovers, all of whom know from personal experience how much this hurts. We share in your pain, and even though we're sorry for the reason that brings you to us, we're so pleased that you've found your way here. Never mind your spelling. Let those tears come. They are a testament to your love for Marley. ❤️

CHECKLIST OF STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH GRIEF Donald Meichenbaum, PhD and Julie Myers, PsyD The process of grieving is like going on a “journey.” There are multiple routes and people progress at different rates. There is no right way to grieve, no one path to take, no best coping approach. These grief coping strategies list some of the pathways that others have taken in their journey of grieving. It is not meant to be a measure of how well you have coped or how you should cope, since there is no one way to manage the pain following the aftermath of the loss of a loved one, no matter what the cause of his or her death. Rather, the strategies listed are suggestions of things you might consider doing to help you on your journey. We suggest that you look through this list and put a mark by the coping strategies that you’ve tried. Hopefully, these strategies have helped you. But if you feel that you could use a little extra help, we suggest that you look through the list and then choose some new items that you would like to try. You may find them helpful, and you can add them to the strategies that you’ve already tried. This list is intended to help you discover new ways that you can move forward on your journey through the process of grief. If there are things you have done that you have found helpful that are not on this list of coping strategies, please add them at the end so we can share these with others. Sought Comfort And Help From Others ___1.I examined the thoughts that kept me from seeking help from others, such as the beliefs that “I am a burden to others,” “No one can help me, no one understands,” “I have to do this on my own,” “I should be stronger,” “Listening to the grieving stories of others will make me feel worse,” or “People are tired of hearing about my loss.” ___2.I reached-out to family, friends, elders, or colleagues for comfort and companionship, but gave myself permission to back-off when I needed time alone. ___3.I took the initiative to reach-out to folks from whom I might not normally seek help. I looked for new friends in church groups, social groups, work, school, or I went on the internet to find others who experienced a similar loss. I made a list of these supports to turn to when I was struggling or experiencing pain. ___4.I forced myself to be with people and to do things, even when I didn’t feel like it. I put something on my calendar almost every day, with back-up plans. ___5.I allowed myself to tell people how much I loved, admired, and cared for them. ___6.I hugged and held others, but felt free to tell people when I did not want to be touched. ___7.I learned to grieve and mourn in public. 7 ___8.I shared my story with others who I thought would appreciate and benefit from it. I told anyone who would listen to the story of the deceased, even if they had nothing to say back. ___9.I gave and received random acts of kindness. ___10.I connected with animals and nature, for example, the deceased’s pet, a beautiful sunset, hike, or garden. ___11.I cared for or nurtured others. For example I spent time caring for my loved ones or children. ___12.I found my faith or religion comforting. I participated in religious, cultural, or ethnic mourning practices, such as attending church services, sitting Shiva, participating in a Wake, celebrating the Day of the Dead, visiting a memorial shrine, etc. ___13.I sought help from organized supportive bereavement groups, hospices, religious groups, grief retreats, talking circles, or groups specific to the way the deceased died, such as cancer support groups or survivors of violent loss groups, such as suicide or homicide. ___14.I sought help from mental health professionals. For instance, attended counseling sessions or took medications as advised by my providers. ___15.I read books written by others who have coped with the loss of a loved one. I read about the grieving process, loss, and advice books about other issues that arose. ___16.I made a list of all the professional resources that I could use in a crisis, such as suicide hotlines, mental health crisis lines, mentors, clergy or imam, or mental health providers. ___17.I decided not to walk through the grieving process alone, so I visited websites that focus on the grieving process (Refer to the list of websites at the end of this checklist.) Took Care Of Myself Physically And Emotionally ___18.I examined the thoughts and feelings that kept me from taking care of myself physically and emotionally, such as guilt, shame, sense of lost self, and loss of the will to live. ___19.I established routines of daily living. Although things were different, I made new routines and did not berate myself when I was not “perfect.”I maintained personal hygiene, medical care, healthy nutrition, and regular sleep. ___20.I reconnected with my body through exercise, yoga, Tai Chi, or expressive arts, allowing myself time to get stronger. ___21.I recognized that my brain needed time to heal and for things to improve, so I forgave myself when I made mistakes, became distracted, couldn’t remember or understand. ___22.I avoided the excessive use of alcohol, tobacco, recreational drugs, and caffeine as a coping mechanism. ___23.I relinquished avoidance and learned to face my fears by engaging in life. I participated in activities that had meaning and kept me occupied, such as work, hobbies, crafts, singing or dancing. ___24.I allowed myself to pursue and feel positive emotions, such as compassion toward myself and others, expressions of gratitude, and emotions of love, joy, awe, and hopefulness. ___25.I recognized and labeled my feelings, viewing them as a “message” rather than something to avoid. I accepted and dealt with these emotions, understanding that the less I fought them, the more I was able to handle them. ___26.I regulated my strong negative emotions using slow smooth breathing, coping self-statements, prayer, or other mood-regulating techniques. ___27.I allowed myself time to cry at times and gave words to my emotional pain. I distinguished feelings of grief from other feelings such as fear, uncertainty, guilt, shame, and anger. ___28.I expressed difficult feelings through writing and talking to supportive others. I used journaling, reflective writing, letter or poetry writing, or other expressive arts of scrapbooking, dance or music. ___29.I engaged in gratitude activities, such as telling others how much I appreciate their love and support, reminding myself of the things that I am thankful for, and being grateful that I knew the deceased. ___30.I established a safe and comforting space for myself, either physically or through imagery. Stayed Connected To The Deceased And Created New Relationship, While Recognizing The Reality Of The Loss. ___31.I examined the feelings and thoughts that kept me from forming an enduring connection with the deceased, such as the fear of what others would think of me, guilt, shame, humiliation, disgust,or thoughts of anger, revenge or being preoccupied with my grief. ___32.I participated in practices, such as visiting the grave or memorial site, celebrating special occasions, prayer and candlelight vigils, public memorials, or commemorative services. ___33.I commemorated the deceased’s life with words, pictures, things, or created a small place of honor for the deceased, which I could visit any time I chose. ___34.I thought about what I received from the deceased and the legacy and mission to be fulfilled. I became involved in a cause or social action that was important to the deceased or myself. ___35.I created a legacy such as planted a tree, started a scholarship or charity in the deceased's name, started an internet blog, or launched new family or community practices. ___36.I allowed myself to talk to the deceased and allowed myself to listen. I wrote a letter to my loved one and asked for advice. ___37.I asked for forgiveness, shared joys and sorrows, and constructed a farewell message. ___38.I accepted that sadness was normal and learned how to be with my grief. I learned how to contain my grief to a time and place of my choosing. However, I understood that intense upsurges of grief may arise unexpectedly and without warning, and I developed coping strategies to handle such events. ___39.I used imagery techniques, shared stories and photos of my loved one, or purposefully used reminders such as music or special routines to recall positive memories. I cherished and hung onto specific, meaningful possessions (objects, 9pets, etc.).I actively reminisced, holding onto our relationship in my heart and mind. ___40.I reached out to help and support others who are grieving for their loved ones. Helping others is a way to reengage in life and combat loneliness and tendencies to withdraw and avoid social contacts. Created Safety And Fostered Self-Empowerment ___41.I examined the thoughts that fuel my fears, avoidance, and the belief that I cannot or should not feel happy and that things would never get better. ___42.I took a breather and gave myself permission to rest knowing that grieving takes time and patience, with no quick fixes. ___43.I identified memories that trigger or overwhelm me and disengaged and/or established boundaries by limiting people, places, or things that cause me stress or overwhelm me so that I could address them one by one, in my own time. I learned to say “no” to unreasonable requests. ___44.I identified important activities, places, or things that I was avoiding due to fear of my grief reactions. I slowly reintroduced them or allowed myself to choose those I never wanted to encounter again. ___45.I began to think of myself as a “survivor,”, if not a “thriver” of my own story, rather than as a “victim.”I reminded myself of my strengths and of all the hard times that I have gotten through in the past. ___46.I wrote out reminders of how to cope and put them on my fridge, cell phone, or computer. I looked at them when I was struggling and reminded myself of ways to be resilient. ___47.I created a plan about how to cope with difficult times. I learned to anticipate and recognize potential “hot spots” of when things are most difficult. I rated each day on a 1 to 10 point scale on how well I was doing. I asked myself what I can do to make things better and increase my rating. I worked on increasing the number of good days compared to the number of bad days. ___48.I avoided thinking “This is just how it is,”realizing that I have choices no matter how hard life is. I came to recognize that emotional pain can be a way to stay connected with my love done. ___49.When I was overwhelmed by negative memories of the past, I avoided “time-sliding” into the past. a) I “grounded” myself to the present by refocusing my attention on the environment around me, b) I changed my self-talk by telling myself “I am safe and that this will pass,” c) I controlled my bodily reactions by slowing down my breathing, and d) I oriented to people’s faces, voices or touch or called for help from a friend. Moved Toward A Future Outlook And A Stronger Sense Of Self ___50.I examined the thoughts and feelings that kept me from moving forward, such as “I am dishonoring the deceased by getting better,”or “I am leaving him/her behind,”or “Feeling happier means that he/she is no longer important to me,”or that “My love for him/her is fading.” ___51.I regained my sense of hope for the future. I worked to reestablish a sense of purpose, with meaningful short-, mid-, and long-term goals. I asked myself, “Is it 10okay to be okay?” and decided to create a life worth living, taking control of my future. ___52.I worked on regaining my sense of self-identity, knowing that my life had changed, but that I am still me. I focus on what is most important. I developed new goals and action plans, consistent with what I value. ___53.I created purpose by keeping the memory of the deceased alive in others. I kept others aware of the circumstances of the death, so that some good could come from the loss. I transformed my grief and emotional pain into meaning-making activities that created something “good and helpful,” for example Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Melissa Institute for Violence Prevention. ___54.I use my faith-based and religious and spiritual beliefs to comfort me and move on. People hold different beliefs,such as "My loved one can continue to influence the lives of others in the world,"or"My loved one is no longer suffering and is in a safe place,"or "We will be reunited in the future.” ___55.I examined the reasons why some of the activities that have been helpful to others in the grief process were not helpful for me, and what I can do to help myself further in the journey through grief. Other coping activities or strategies I have used to cope with my loss Please feel free to let us know if you have any comments about this list, so we can be of assistance to others like yourself. You can reach the authors by e-mail at dhmeich@aol.com or at Julie.Myers100@gmail.com

Dear Mena, my heart reaches out to you in your struggles. Not only are you bearing the weight of being the primary caregiver to your husband but you're also doing your best to keep your Gato alive and comfortable, even as his body is shutting down and failing. I understand your wanting Nature to take its course as you wait for your kitty to die a natural death ~ but sometimes in doing all we can to prolong a beloved pet's life, we're really only prolonging their suffering and death. You alone can decide how much suffering is to be endured in this situation ~ both yours and Gato's ~ and I won't presume to tell you what to do. Still, I invite you to read the following articles, in hopes that their content may speak to you in a helpful way. (Note that each article includes links to additional resources): Anticipating the Death of A Cherished Pet Pet Euthanasia: When Is It Time to Say Goodbye?

My dear, it seems to me that even as you recognize how your sister might benefit from professional counseling or therapy, you're working overtime to try to fill that role for her yourself. It's no wonder that every time you talk with her, you feel drained afterwards, as your own needs go unmet. I invite you to read the following: How Do I Help My Anxious Sibling? In Grief: Setting Clear Boundaries As you say, you can't keep holding the fort for everyone else without becoming exhausted. If you don't take care of yourself first, you'll have nothing left to give to everyone else. ❤️

I am so very sorry for the reasons that brought you here to us, my friend ~ but grateful that you've managed to find us. You are not alone, even though we know it feels that way. Here you are among kindred spirits who understand how it feels to lose a soul mate ~ and if your reason for getting up everyday is simply because you feel responsible for Oscar, Felix and Smokey, let that be enough for now ~ because we understand that, too. ❤️

So nice to hear from you again, Darrel! You have been missed ~ by all of us!

Ask BR: After Breakups I Experience Separation Anxiety, Obsessive Thoughts, & Anger. How Can I Handle Them Better? Posted: March 01, 2021 Categories: Ask Belleruth Tags: relationships, heartbreak, breakup Author: Belleruth Naparstek Hi Belleruth Which of your CDs would you recommend for handling breakups better? When a woman ends a romantic relationship I get separation anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, and anger. Part of this is connected to feeling unloved and unwanted as a child. I am taking a time out from dating to address these issues. Also how often do you suggest I listen to each CD to get maximum benefit? Thank you, Tom Hello, Tom, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that kind of pain, and I salute your insightfulness and your decision to take some time out to work on this. I suggest you try listening to our guided imagery for Heartbreak, Abandonment & Betrayal – it’s created for exactly this, and for your reaction (not uncommon) of anxiety, depression, and ruminating over feeling unlovable. You may want to check out the sound sample on the page to see if it feels like it might be compatible. How often to listen for maximum benefit? Hard to say, as it’s a pretty individual thing, but generally speaking, listening once or twice a day, ideally when waking up and falling asleep for 2-3 weeks is usually productive, although some people in a lot of distress listen more times a day and for a longer time. Whenever you feel like you’d like to hear something else, you could have an alternate to go-to. You may want something even more intense, powerful, and psychologically healing, such as Healing Trauma. Or maybe something a little lighter emotionally, such as Traci Stein’s Self-Compassion Meditations or Bodhipaksa’s Heart’s Wisdom Meditations, great for instilling perspective whether things are going well or going badly. All of these have sound samples, so you can get a sense of the voice and style. My best wishes with this. It’s good you’re taking time to break the cycle and liberate yourself. All best, Belleruth

I can assure you that there is NO "right way to grieve" ~ there is only YOUR way ~ and from what you've written here, it seems to me that you're doing just fine! YOU are the best judge of what feels right for you, given your unique personality, your own personal values and beliefs, what you were taught and the way you were brought up, your past experience with loss and all the rest. What works for one person may not work for another ~ It's a matter of trying lots of different things (like joining a Facebook group) and if something doesn't seem to fit your needs, it's okay to move on to something else. Your interest in volunteering sounds wonderful ~ and it's perfectly okay to step away from your grief for a time, doing something that brings you satisfaction and helps to make you feel better. After all, your grief will still be there waiting for you when you return! Clearly your mother has been a wonderful role model for you, and the best thing you can do is to follow in her footsteps and live a good life in her honor. Keep doing what you're doing ~ you're on the right path! ❤️

I am so very sorry for your loss, DaisyMinni. We only have one mother in life ~ the one person who's been there with us since the very beginning of our own life. I'm sure your mother's death has left an enormous hole in your chest where your heart used to be. Yes, it is unfair, but in the end, we have no say in the matter. You ask how do you go on, and all I can say is that you do it one day, one hour, one moment at a time. You do it by surrounding yourself with others whose losses are similar to your own. You look to others for support and understanding. You learn about what is normal in grief so you'll better understand your own reactions. That is what you will find here, in this warm and compassionate place: understanding, comfort, support, useful information and tips on how to navigate your own journey of grief. Many of us are learning how to continue living in the wake of unspeakable loss. We are walking this path beside you, we know how much this hurts, and we want you to know that you are not alone. ❤️

Amela, my dear, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ but don't think there is anything wrong with you. Grief is unique to the person involved, even though certain aspects are the same for many of us. There can be many reasons why you're reacting as you are: your basic personality, your past experience with loss and what you were taught as a child about expressing sorrow, your relationship with your father, whatever support you have around you, and on and on. You don't say if you're working or in a situation where you feel compelled to "keep a lid on" your feelings or if you feel free to express whatever you may be feeling. It's also possible that you're still in somewhat of a state of shock and disbelief, finding it difficult to imagine a world without your father in it. Rather than passing judgment on yourself, you'd be wise to do some reading about the normal grief process, so you'll have a better idea of what tp expect in the weeks and months ahead and learn what you might try to better manage your own reactions. See, for example, In Grief: Feeling Disconnected From Feeling Bad and note the additional readings included there.

Lots of useful information available here, at no cost: Pet Loss Articles ❤️

My friend, I am so sorry that you've lost your dear companion ~ and I do believe that yours is a classic example of the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" stories we tell ourselves in situations like this. It's only human nature to go back, to go over every sordid detail, searching for a way this story might have ended differently, as you beat yourself up for what you might have done differently. But notice that of all the possibilities you've described, not one allows for the likelihood that your Jess did in fact have a cancerous tumor that would cause pain and suffering and eventually would take her life. Nowhere do you give yourself credit for having the courage to end the suffering that she would have to endure, either from the cancer itself or from the side effects of any prescribed chemotherapy. As for the cost, this is one of those harsh realities of life that you were forced to face: In the end, would any amount of money have been enough to save her, in the face of such an illness? At best you might have prolonged her life for a brief period of time ~ but rather than prolonging her life (in order to meet your need to keep her with you) in reality you would have been prolonging her dying. Making the decision to have her euthanized was, I'm sure, one of the most difficult decisions you'll ever have to make ~ but under the circumstances you describe, it was in fact a selfless act of love ~ because you put her needs ahead of your own. Her suffering has ended, and now you are the one who is left to suffer. I've yet to meet a true animal lover who does not harbor a boatload of guilt in a situation such as yours. That simply tells me what a good person you are. Only good people feel guilty about taking the life of an animal companion. What sort of person would you be if this had come easily for you? Give yourself credit for having the courage to make such a difficult decision, and for loving your Jess enough to be missing her so much. I invite you to read this: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision ~ and I wish for peace and healing to your troubled heart. ❤️

While everyone's response to loss is unique to the individual, certain aspects of grief are common to us all ~ so it does help to educate yourself about the normal grief process and what one might normally expect in its wake. In addition to the articles Kayc suggested in her post above, I encourage you to read these: Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief Death of A Parent: Negative Impact On A Couple's Relationship How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Rocky, Rjm, and we all know how much this hurts. I invite you to read the article I posted on my Grief Healing Blog just yesterday, in hopes that its content will bring you some measure of peace: Pet Loss: Finding Peace After Euthanasia ❤️

About Grief Yoga ❤️

I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved paw paw, my dear. Since this is your first experience with significant loss, it's only natural that you are left with so many questions. Grief turns the world as we knew it upside down. It's like being dropped into another country where you don't know the land and you don't speak the language. As a result you feel completely and totally lost. But you are not alone. Since the beginning of time, we human beings have suffered losses of every kind, including the loss of the ones we love so dearly. As a result, we've learned a lot about what is "normal" in grief (that is, what most people might experience). It's been said that the best way to learn what lies on the road ahead is to speak with someone who's been there. That's why I would encourage you to do some reading about the process of grief, so you'll better understand your own reactions and what you might do to manage them. You might begin with these: Grief: Understanding The Process Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief Teen Grief: Grandparent's Death Triggers Unresolved Grief It's also helpful to surround yourself with others who are going through a loss that is similar to your own. Being here online with other grievers is one way for you to do that, because we're all on that same road with you. (That is why I'm moving your post from this forum over to our Loss of A Parent or Grandparent forum.)

My heart is hurting for both of you. I am so, so sorry

FEBRUARY ELETTER FROM WINGS VIEW OUR NEW WEBSITE...and READ/DOWNLOAD our FEB e-LETTER CLICK ON THIS LINK: Scroll down to the middle of the page to find the e-Letter. https://www.wingsgrief.org/

My dear, I am so sorry that you lost your mother in such horrific and tragic circumstances. You don't say what, if any, support you had around you at the time, or what support you have today. By that I mean do you have anyone in your circle (family member, friend, neighbor, classmate, teacher, pastor, counselor) with whom you are close enough to share your concerns, your thoughts and feelings about all of this? You have suffered a most traumatic loss, and you deserve the support of someone who understands this kind of loss and the trauma that undoubtedly complicates your grief. You might consider looking for a therapist or grief counselor whose practice includes treatment for traumatic loss. At the very least, I want to point you to some resources that I hope you will find helpful and informative. Note the additional links included in each of these articles: Surviving A Partner's Homicide (Individual circumstances differ from yours, but the content still applies.) Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources (See especiall the category entitled Specific Topics.)

Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine's Day (or Any Special Day) ❤️

I'm so sorry! The links I gave you were all wrong, but I've fixed them now. Please do try them again, and let me know if they work for you! Common Myths, Misconceptions about Pet Loss Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much? Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief? Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief Finding Support for Pet Loss

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your beloved grandfather, Jake, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. The love you have for this man comes through in your post, and clearly he means the world to you. You are wise to be seeking support for yourself even as you strive to be there for him and the rest of your family. I want to point you to some readings that I hope will be helpful to you as you find your way through the road that lies ahead ~ and I hope you know that we will be here for you each step of the way. ❤️ Anticipatory Grief and Mourning Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

I strongly believe that the more you know about the grief process in general and the pain of losing a cherished animal companion in particular, the better prepared you are to understand and manage your own reactions. I invite you to do some reading on this important topic, and you might begin with some articles I've listed below. Note that each of these includes links to related resources: Common Myths, Misconceptions about Pet Loss Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much? Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief? Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief Finding Support for Pet Loss

Such beautiful pictures ~ thank you for sharing! I'm sure your heart is breaking at the loss of your beloved Suki. So sudden. So unexpected. So unfair. Sending healing thoughts to you ❤️