MartyT

Maylissa, dear ~ There is not one among us who does not understand the private pain that accompanies the anniversary of the death of your beloved. Our thoughts and prayers are with you . . . They Lie in AmbushAnniversaries: Days to stay in bed on; times of remembering that throw us back emotionally, into the past moments, making our progress and lack of progress ever so clear. Oh, if only someone had prepared me for a setback on anniversaries. Anniversaries of births, deaths, special moments, dreadful times, triumphant victories can exhume past pain as if it were fresh. It seems to be an instinctual ritual performed by our subconscious that pays homage to the shadow of lost dreams. Memories don’t understand time. We expect to enjoy remembering or be unaffected by our memories. But anniversaries pluck at our subconscious, raising past feelings with no regard for the healing that has happened. It all seems for naught. Even after years, we may anticipate that the anniversary of the death will no longer have an effect. Time has numbed the grieving, lulling us with the false security of normalcy. Then we find ourselves in bed for the whole day, confused. But this is normal. We loved, and the imprint of that day rejuvenates both the love and the loss. Even if we convince our minds to forget, our cells remember. Expect this setback and be gentle to the part of the soul that doesn’t understand the passage of time. It is only temporary. Anniversaries are days to contemplate the past, and glimpse the tremendous difference in this new life that survived. One year ago, you died. Today I look at grief. With a capital G. It’s part of my life, as much as air, food, companionship, and love. Yet I fear it. Avoid it. Deny it. All through my life I’ve given up things, people, places. I’ve given up illusions – about omnipotence, about immortality. I’ve given up friends who unexpectedly betrayed me. Friends who moved away. I found out I wasn’t a whiz in science when I got a “C” on my fifth-grade exam. I found out that people lie, that parents break promises. I found out that my dreams of adolescence wouldn’t be realized by my twenty-fifth birthday. I discovered that dreams go away, as do lovers, parents, and siblings, by death, abandonment, or a divergence of life’s current. I discovered that the fantasy I had nurtured about someone loving me exactly the way I wanted was folly. I would never be loved that way. I’ve given up many things in my life. And I have never been graceful about letting go. Either I thrust something away before it can leave me, or I cling like a pit bull on a postman’s leg. When you died, I was not prepared for the deluges of feeling that would conflict with one another. I wasn’t prepared to feel love and hate at the same moment. I was not prepared to push and pull at the same time. Perhaps that is why I am inert today. ~ Stephanie Ericsson, in Companion Through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief, HarperPerennial, NY, 1993, pp. 177-178.

Hi Deb, I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your post until now ~ I've been in a conference all day. You can send me your questions via e-mail (tousleym@aol.com) and I will do my best to help you. Be aware, too, that there is a Help feature at the top right side of the site's main page; just click on that word and some helpful hints will appear on your screen. If you let me know more specifically what you're struggling with, I'll be glad to help

Dear Ones, The following just came to me via e-mail (embedded in the Winter 2008 ELetter from Wings ~ A Grief Education Ministry, and it seems to fit the topic under discussion: Be Good to Yourself — A Care TipWhen you need help, ask. Sometimes we hesitate to ask for help because we feel others' lives are too busy. We think we are imposing on their time and good nature and would rather do it ourselves than inconvenience someone. But the greatest compliment you can pay someone is to ask for their assistance. Trust that if they are unable to provide it, they will explain why. But don’t be afraid to ask again under different circumstances. ~ Nan & Gary Zastrow, Co-Founders Wings--a Grief Education Ministry P. O. Box 1051 Wausau, WI 54402-1051 Phone or FAX (715) 845-3424 Website: www.wingsgrief.org

Dear One, Welcome to our family. As I'm sure you've discovered by reading others' posts, this is a place of safety and comfort where you can give words to your grief by sharing your story of loss ~ a place where you will find emotional support and inspiration from others, as well as information about what is normal in grief and mourning. You might "begin" simply by telling us more about your mother.

Dear Deb, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so overwhelmed, and especially sorry that the support group you attended the other night was not a good fit for you. I know it takes a lot of courage to reach out for help like this, and it can be devastating when it doesn’t work out. I hope, however, that you won’t let this experience stop you from finding the help you need and deserve. Because your dad has died, you have lost one of the most important figures in your life. Know, too, that everyone's grief is different and unique, and there is no right or wrong way to "do" it -- there is only your way, and you must discover that for yourself. The reason this death feels so overwhelming is because you've never lost your father before. Few of us are prepared to face the excruciating pain associated with the death of a loved one, especially when that initial shock and numbness begin to wear off and we're hit with the full force of our loss. We think we cannot bear it, that to feel such sorrow is abnormal, as if we're going crazy. We think there's something wrong with us, or something unnatural about our feelings. But grief is not a pathological condition, my dear – it is a normal and very personal reaction to losing someone you love, and it can affect every aspect of your life: physical, cognitive, emotional, social, and spiritual. If you haven't yet visited my Grief Healing Web site, I'd like to invite you to do so now. It contains lots of information about grief -- what is normal, what to expect, and what you can do to manage your own reactions -- all of which can be very helpful and reassuring, especially if you've had no prior experience with the death of someone dear to you. On my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page you will find a number of articles I've written on various aspects of grief, as well as lists of books I've read and personally recommend. Sometimes reading the accounts of others who are mourning reassures us that if others can survive the most devastating of losses, then somehow we too will find a way to survive as well. See also Articles by Marty Tousley and Articles by Other Authors. My site also contains beautiful pieces written by others (see Comfort for Grieving Hearts ) as well as links to dozens of other sources of information (see especially those listed on the Death of a Parent page). You might also consider taking an online e-mail course of grief, such as the one I wrote for Self-Healing Expressions, The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey. I think you’ll find that just reading the posts of others in our forums right here is a wonderful way to learn about normal grief and to connect with others whose experiences may be similar to your own. It is my sincere hope that this information proves helpful to you, my dear. I know that losing your father is painful beyond words, and we cannot take that pain away from you. I can assure you, though, that you do not have to bear it all by yourself. There is plenty of information, comfort and support "out there" just waiting for you to find it. I hope you will make the effort to do so, and that you will think of it as a gift you can give yourself.

My friend, I’m so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved girl Darby, and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you to let her go. How empty your home and your heart must seem now, without your faithful companion beside you! These magnificent creatures have a way of weaving their way into every aspect of our daily lives, and the love they give to us is absolutely unconditional and irreplaceable. It sounds as if, despite everything you and your veterinarian may have done to save Darby, her heart and lungs were failing her. Surely you would have done anything to prolong her life if you could have. Making the euthanasia decision for our cherished companion animals is one of the most difficult things we ever have to do, and I know this must have been terribly hard for you. Yet I'm sure your precious Darby knew how very much you loved her, and it seems reasonable to think that she would have understood that this was your final act of love for her. I don't know if you've ever spent any time on my Grief Healing Web site, but if you go to my Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page,I think you will appreciate many of the writings you'll find there and I hope you'll find them helpful. See especially Rita Reynolds' beautiful piece, Euthanasia: The Merciful Release. I hope, too, that you will give yourself permission to mourn this loss and to experience your grief for Darby as legitimate and real. Unfortunately many people tend to underestimate the pain of losing a cherished pet, but only you know what your precious girl meant to you, and only you can measure just how very much you have lost. Sometimes it helps just to do some reading about this different kind of grief, as it helps you feel less "crazy" and alone. See, for example, my articles, Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? and Loss and the Burden of Guilt. Links to much of what I've written about pet loss are listed on the Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page of my Grief Healing Web site; see also my Pet Loss Articles page. Finally, I want you to know that there are many pet loss resources available to you across the country, including telephone hotlines, message boards like this one, and chat rooms. You’ll find many of them listed here: Helplines, Message Boards, Chats. You will also find a great deal of empathy, comfort and support among the wonderful people in this forum, all of whom understand from their own personal experience the agony of pet loss. No one can take your pain away at this sad and difficult time, my friend, but I can assure you that you are not alone. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you close as you embark on this journey of grief. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Message received, my friend ~ and may God bless you, too

I'm sorry, Wendy, but I couldn't add the file you sent to me as an attachment to your post. I found this link on the Internet. All I can suggest is for you to ask your friend where the file came from originally, and see if she can determine the original source.

Dawn, dear ~ You might find this article helpful: Mourning: Answering the Question, How Are You?

Dear Friend, Your post reminds me of a topic that appeared in this forum in September of 2006. I think this thread will have resonance for you as well, as it deals with the matter of delayed grief. Just click on this link and you'll go right to it: Is This Grief? See also: Grieving Seven Years after the Death, and note especially my comments about finding someone to talk to, and It's Too Much

Can you hear me breathing a huge sigh of relief, Kay? We've all been so worried about you! Are you familiar with Belleruth Naparstek's guided imagery CD's? They're a wonderfully effective and fairly inexpensive tool for de-stressing. See, for example, Free Stress Relief Imagery Download. (Right about now I think maybe we all need to give this a try )

Oh my dear Cindi, the people in your work setting are badly in need of some grief education. I'm not sure if by "H/R" you mean your Human Resources representative, but if and when you feel up to it, you might print out some of the articles you'll find on the Grief at Work page of my Grief Healing Web site and share them with your supervisor and / or your Human Resources officer. You might also find the material on this page helpful: Helping Someone Who's Grieving. Consider giving an article or two to your husband to read as well, so he'll have a better understanding of what you are experiencing. It also helps to learn as much as you yourself can learn about what is normal (and therefore what is to be expected) in grief, so you can better understand and manage your own reactions. See, for example, Death of a Parent.

Good Heavens, Kay! I don't know what your symptoms were (or still are), but if you truly believe that you had a heart attack, I urge you to get yourself to a hospital as soon as possible! DO NOT drive yourself ~ ask your son to take you! I certainly don't want to scare you, but a heart attack must be taken very seriously, and what you've already experienced could be a preliminary warning that more is yet to come. If what you had was an anxiety attack or something less than a heart attack, let the doctors tell you that, based upon their findings, not based upon your assumptions! You really are not qualified to make that diagnosis. See, for example, Heart Attack Symptoms and Warning Signs. Kay, we love you so much, and you are such a valued member of our GH family. Please don't ignore these symptoms, and please don't wait until morning to see a medical professional about them! I am very worried about you, and I want you to take good care of you!

Good for you, Drew, and thank you for sharing your experience with us, as I think it's so important for others to know. Of course I believe in counseling or I wouldn't be a counselor I think of it as a precious gift we can give to ourselves ~ a gift that can change our lives.

Rosanne, you said, "I know I am just taking baby steps to some here." Please lets not put a label on the size of the steps any of us is taking. This is your journey, your relationship, your loss, and your story. Here in this special place, there will never be a need to minimize or downplay or pass judgment on how quickly any of us is processing our grief, most especially ourselves. Our grief is what it is, and at any given time, each of us is doing the very best we can, given our own unique self and our individual circumstances. Take some of that pressure off yourself. After all, this is not a contest.

Gail, dear ~ Good days, bad days, and everything-in-between days, we are here for you ~ and know that we're all holding you close . . .

Lily, dear ~ I think you will come to find that, even though we cannot touch each other or give each other hugs in the physical sense on this special site, we do know how to give "virtual" hugs, and we certainly do know how to hold one another in our hearts ~ just as we are able to hold our departed loved ones close in our hearts. So go ahead and send Kim some virtual hugs, and know that we are sending them to you, too.

This message comes to us from Lynn Hoffman, chat room hostess for Sandy Goodman's Love Never Dies 4U organization. (Read more about bereaved mother and author Sandy Goodman at Love Never Dies.) As Lnd4u has grown, people who have lost a spouse or significant other have joined. We would like to explore the idea of having a chat support group for those of us who are grieving the loss of a spouse/significant other. If there is enough interest, a group chat will be started. If you have lost a spouse or significant other and would be interested in participating in a chat support group, please contact me at lynn_hoffman@comcast.net Please indicate which night you would prefer, keeping in mind that Lnd4u already has chats scheduled on Mondays and Wednesdays. Thanks Lynn

Hi Gamer, You are not alone in your concerns, but I think the worst thing we can do when someone else is coping with grief (for fear of doing the "wrong" thing) is to do or say nothing at all. I want to point you to some articles that you may find helpful: Helping Another in Grief What is Not Helpful to the Person in Mourning: A List of Don'ts Words of Comfort for the Person in Mourning Words to Avoid When Comforting the Bereaved Common Myths, Misconceptions about Grief When a Child Dies: Do's and Don'ts of Grief Support

Oh my dear Drew, I'm so glad you found your way to us, and so deeply sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Lyn is right ~ you need a place to take your grief and tell every detail of your story of loss, and this is the place to do that. You will find such loving, compassionate people here. Your burden is so heavy, but we are right here beside you, so you won't have to carry it all by yourself. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

I just love you guys . . .

Hi Gamer, I remember you well, and I just wanted to say how nice it is to "see" you here again! It warms my heart to know that you "like to come here when you're feeling down," and I hope you know that you are always, always welcome to come back "home" to us. We like to think of ourselves as a family here, and I hope you'll always think of yourself as one of us.

Wendy, yesterday you asked, Teny, Do you have a website that I can go to? I would love to see your work and buy one of your pots !!! You will find Teny's Web site here: www.teny.gr.

My dear Derek, As I was doing some work on the Internet today, I came across this wonderful video presentation, and I immediately thought of you and Carson. It includes some revealing comments both from siblings whose parent has died and from their surviving parent, as well as some helpful insights from noted grief experts Phyllis Silverman and Linda Goldman. I hope you (and our other members as well) will find it both informative and reassuring: Helping Your Child Cope with Grief

Oh Kim, I'm so very sorry ~ Please know that we are still here for you, and you are being held in gentle thought and prayer by all of us . . .