kayc

I'm so sorry you lost your mother. I urge you to talk to your doctor about the self-harming and anti-depressant not helping, what good is medication if it doesn't help? Of course if you recently went on it, sometimes it takes a month or so to take full affect. Feeling depressed, lack of purpose, wanting to stay in bed is part of the symptoms of grieving. Getting a good grief counselor is a good place to start with that, and I hope you're read the link Marty listed for you. They say six months out is one of the hardest periods for grievers and you're right around that timeline so it's not surprising for how you're feeling.

WolfsKat, I was just thinking yesterday how much I miss the squeals of laughter coming from outside, of hearing my kids playing when they were growing up. It's been quiet around here way too long. I also love to hear the sounds of people being happy, I think that's natural, and you're not a bit crazy!

You guys know how to put a smile on my face!

I'm so glad to read these posts! It's been a long rough day and this put a smile on my face.

I don't know, and even having a dog just alerts you if you're home. I put my dog in a pen when I'm gone, so they can still rob my house...if I left him inside they'd probably just shoot him anyway, and believe me, I'd rather lose everything I own than my dog. It's just hard to understand how someone can be so heartless. I felt it was a neighbor when we were burglarized, they saw George and my son putting the new welder together and trying it out in our driveway, they decided they wanted it. They took a lot of tools, they literally took the shop door off the hinges and bypassed the lock.

I am sorry you are going through so much and also that your doctor was so dismissive. I had a doctor set a timer when she entered the room and when I told her about a torn tendon in one ankle and a pulled one in the other, she said "the ins. won't cover that. You'll live or you won't!" Apparently times have changed and doctors with it. My doctor I had for 33 years would take the time to listen. When my husband passed away, he called to check on me. When I went in to see him, he shut the door, sat down, and spent about 1/2 hour listening and talking with me. He told me to call him at home any time day or night and extracted a promise I wouldn't do anything rash. (He knew what my husband meant to me). The doctor I currently have will also take the time to listen. I would look for another doctor and when you send for your records, enclose a note saying why,. Start polling your friends and family for referrals of good doctors. You can also call your health network and talk to them about it, they may have some suggestions as well. A good doctor will consider what you are going through as part of your overall health because it's all related. I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago, and my dad 34 years ago, and know anticipatory loss very well, it's very hard to lose them bit by bit and feel the loss ahead of time. This is a good place to voice yourself and know you will be heard by others that understand. My best to you in this journey.

George, I am so sorry about your dad's experience. I've been burglarized and it leaves you feeling so violated. I felt angry that things I'd worked hard for by someone taking a shortcut. Police only come out for violence nowadays. I hope your dad has homeowner's insurance to cover his losses.

I read in the paper where a couple died in an accident, and my first thought was how lucky there were to get to go together. It was premature, they were only 65, but still...I wish that could have been how we went, together.

I was thinking that this morning, Happy Birthday, Jim! Sometimes we don't know what to say when their dead...do we say happy birthday or happy anniversary? Yet they still "are" we're just unable to communicate with them like we'd like to. But they continue to be on our hearts and in our thoughts constantly, and I know this is no different for you, Anne. So just as I'm sure you're wishing your Jim a happy birthday, I hope, from all of us, a happy birthday for him too.

fae, Butch thanks you and EVERYONE here. he doesn't have time to come on the forum right now because he's busy looking after his grandsons, but it helps knowing your thoughts and prayers are with them.

My XH had throat cancer, he was told he could relapse in a couple of years, or four, and no one made it past ten years, so to hear someone had 11 years is amazing. I wish there was an answer "why" but I've never run across one and quit asking for one. It seemed it just made it harder on myself to ask. The resounding non-answer was deafening.

I've passed that along to Butch, fae, and hope they find some Bach and play it. My DIL played music for her daughter in the womb, her auntie is very musical, who knows, maybe she will be too! And she's read to her from the day she was born, and guess what! At ten months, she loves books!

That was a profound dream, and you did well to interpret it like you did. I'm curious how you ended up a violinist in your dream, that seems rather random, do you play a violin at all?

It's been almost 11 years George has been gone, and Friday night I felt horribly depressed because it was another Friday night alone. Such a stark contrast between when he was alive! We always looked forward to the start of our weekend together! Mitch, your post made me cry. You share how much you miss Tammy but end with saying life is a blessing. That is how we all have to view it, for as much as we miss, whatever we now have...that's what we have left.

Gwen, I also had a Golden Retriever that had cancer, it got into his brain and he bit a neighbor that we'd always been close to. In his right mind he never would have done that, but we decided to put him to sleep, he would have turned ten the next day. It is so hard watching something strike like that, I hate cancer!

OMG, I can't believe people would say that to you! How hurtful! I am so sorry for your losses. I know Pippin was close to you and it hurts so much to be missing your beloved pet. The dog may not have intended to harm the guinea pig, animals respond differently than people and sometimes don't realize the possible consequences of what they do or look at things differently than we do. I'm just so sorry, for both your losses. Although I've never had a guinea pig, I understand how close we can get to our animals, people just may not realize that. I've had people laugh and suggest if I get hungry I can kill my dog (he's large), I don't find that funny in the least! I've had others sneer at me that they would never let a dog in the house! Some people are just clueless when it comes to pets and therefore can't begin to understand what it's like to lose them. People that come here do understand and I hope you feel free to come here any time and post your thoughts and feelings. We're here to listen and we "get it".

Anne, How neat that they're doing a show, I like to think it's just for Jim!

And you're getting very good at your pencil colorings too, Anne!

It just takes a little bit from each of us as we can afford to make it work. Even if a person can't commit to monthly, a once in a while bit would help, it all does!

Oh please don't stop whistling! It is so good to have a happy moment even if it's fleeting! I find those moments too, they don't last nearly long enough, but honestly, it's what helps us keep going. No it's not just you. You need to give yourself permission to feel happiness, even if only momentarily. Have you asked what Tammy would say to you about this? I know, it's feelings and feelings don't always make sense. But I'm a firm believer in letting the head have a say as well, and consulting our inner wisdom, not just going by the feelings, which can be unreliable and lacking in any common sense. All except the matters of the heart concerning my love for George...for that I took a leap on love and was I a winner!

When George was alive, HE stood up for me, and I for him, but when he died, I had to learn to find a voice for myself, more than I'd already had, and I developed some real moxie...and it was necessary to make it through this. I think he'd be real proud of me.

I had such a hard time focusing on anything longer than a newspaper, it made it very difficult to get through books, because I'd read a chapter, put it down for a long while, try to come back to it and have a hard time getting in to it. It would have made it much easier if my focus hadn't been so messed up after George died. I'm finally back into reading and I find the books on loss tell what I've already figured out. I do like Martha Hickman's book. There was also a book called Heaven that helped me when I was new to loss because it fed hope, that I so desperately needed. I don't remember the author, it was a book someone loaned to me so I don't have it anymore.

Update from Butch: Gracie girl is not on vent anymore. And daddy got to feed her with the tiniest bottle. She is still learning the suck swallow and breathe technique but she's learning. She does better when mom nurses her.

I'm glad that made you smile. Beautiful dog!! Yep, you've got it, my "kids" are my family! They mean the world to me.

Margaret, maybe you're not getting mean, you're finding your voice and standing up for yourself out of necessity. I did that too when George died.