kayc

Keep safe, I hope you continue to enjoy your visit.

I remember wondering the same thing when George died...I didn't see how the sun could go on shining and people could go on living when the very reason for my existence was gone. I wish we could make this easier for you, Shannon. Thank you for sharing that song...I know it's bittersweet. You will know when you can open your present...

New Start, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you...yes, I think death does change people. I didn't have so hard a time when my dad died, I had my husband so we went through it together, and I was pregnant so I had the impending birth of my child to look forward to, but it was bittersweet because it was hard knowing they'd never know their grandpa. But I don't think it changed me. But when I lost my husband, it definitely changed me, forever. I think it depends on the relationship, how much they were in your life, etc. I loved my dad and will always miss him, but we lived in different towns and he wasn't in my everyday life, so I think that makes a difference.

Oh Pollara, I am so sorry to hear that. I was hoping in the end you guys would make it. At least you know you did everything right. I would proceed now as if broken up forever so you can begin your healing and not put your life on hold. IF anything should change, you can always go from there but I wouldn't hope for it because that can delay your recovery. God I know this all too well. If it's any consolation, it really isn't you, it's what HE is going through. This is exactly what I experienced with Jim, although he was more cowardly about his delivery. Someone said once that my situation was different because his mom hadn't actually died yet, but that's not true because he was going through anticipatory grief AND being her caretaker 24/7, which is all consuming, he was extremely sleep-deprived and no hope in sight, so I understand and respect his situation, I just wish he could have put me on hold instead of breaking off with me, and I wish he'd had the balls to have me come over and talk to him, or at least done it over the phone instead of Fed Ex. Pollara, I hope you will stay in touch and let us know how it's going. Feel free to vent here, let out your feelings, etc. The next few months could be rough for you, I know everyone is different, but for me, I cried and cried and it was very hard. Try to stay busy, schedule time with family/friends, take up a hobby, new class, work out, anything to occupy your time, it all helps. I feel the same as Plum's parting words. "I think the way you handled the whole situation was amazing. and if he can't see that then u deserve someone better."

Yeah, I get told I have a cloud over my head. Yesterday morning I got an email from my boss laying me off, I was shocked! I was laid off for a year, brought back at 80%, and because he's late paying/reporting, I'd only have five months in my wage base @ 80%, they figure on 66% of that, and take out 17% for taxes. Also, if I worked one day a week, anything over the 34% of my wage base gets $1 for $1 deducted so it'd result in half my gross benefit being deducted, in the end, there's nothing to live on. I am proud of myself, I contacted my boss and explained this to him (I know he doesn't want to lose me, he's just broke and worried, he still needs me and can't do it himself) and he said he'd find another way to cut expenses. I realize I'll probably go through it again, but hopefully not until I get a full wage base in. Anyway, it was a rude awakening to my day, esp. to get it by email. He knew I was up because I'd just emailed him the bank report! Pollara, I'll msg. you my email address too. Thanks! I think getting away for the weekend sounds like a great idea, maybe take a girlfriend with you or even by yourself. I've gotten rather used to being alone, it's not my preference, life shared is always richer, but I don't want to rob myself of the joy of what is just because I don't have someone in my life. I will go places by myself, fix myself a special meal, etc. and not wait to have someone to share in it because that might never happen.

My dear Shannon, I know you didn't want to join this club that no one wanted to join. No one wants to walk this path. We will be there for you and will help you through it. We've learned some things that have helped us and we're here to help you on your journey. Right now I'm sure you just need lots of rest, whatever you can get, you're taxed with grief and battling cancer, that's a lot. We're here whenever you want to talk.

Mark, I am glad the dream was a positive experience for you...some do feel let down when they awaken...back to their reality. I feel the same as you, to just even have them in a dream is special. So glad you got to hold your Bicky again.

I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful picture of roses, thank you! I appreciate you guys' support. I feel drained tonight. At least he reconsidered and is putting it off a while (waiting and seeing). Yes, I'll have to start looking again although it's not promising in this vicinity. Am praying and of course am giving thought to all kinds of options and possibilities. With the medical mandate coming up, this is not a good time to lose a job and medical insurance...esp. at my age.

Pollara, thanks, the book sounds interesting, it'd be good to try it. Plum, I'm sorry for your change of plans at the last minute. It's true that there can be a ton of paperwork, Jim was inundated with that for over a year after his mom died, dealing with a rental property that needed brought up to snuff, settling the estate, probate, etc. And all the family stuff, daughter arguing over stuff, yada yada. For the records, my George loved me just as I am and respected my independence and looked up to me, he admired me and never would have wanted me any other way...so they exist, just hard to find. I know Pollara, weekends are always tougher w/o your love...trust me, I get that.

Chris, I'm glad you had some time with your daughter. I'm sorry the dream was so upsetting but I'm sure you're right about what it stood for. You are processing her death and all you have been through. I love your nicknames for those you love.

Shannon, no matter what is going on in my life, you are in my prayers. Yes we do all know what it's like to go through this devastating loss. My head felt like a fog when it happened to me. I know you are in a battle for your life and I can imagine that is going to be hard to do esp. when you've lost your greatest incentive. Try to honor Leo by doing what he would want and I'm glad you'll have some soup and so glad your SIL & BIL are there for you. If you can sleep, that's probably good for you right now. (((hugs)))

fae, you have a way of making everything seem magical, it is just your way. So glad you arrived safely and hope you enjoyed your facial. It is sunshine and flowers here for the next week at least!

Jan, how very special! I've had a very hard, emotional day today...starting with my boss laying me off, then after finding I'd have little to live on, he's putting it off, for how long, I don't know. I spent the day with my friend...she lost her husband five years ago today and it's always tough. She cooked a huge feast for everyone in her apartment complex and I helped carry dishes and clean up afterwards. We sat and talked until time for me to go home and walk Arlie, then I visited with a couple more friends going through tough times. It will be good to lay down and rest tonight.

Update! God answers prayer, heard back from my boss, he'll try to keep me on long enough to get a base year in & see how it goes. Big smile!

This isn't very positive...I got an email from my boss this morning, laying me off to one day a week. My unemployment base is only five months because my boss is behind reporting and also he didn't wait the full five quarters before doing it again, and I've only been working 80% of FT so what it means is, 1/2 of what I earn will be deducted $1 for $1 from unempl. It basically means I'll be living on 1 1/2 days wage a week, that's it. It doesn't even cover my house, let alone anything else. They've cut out extensions here, telling us the job market has improved. Well it's not that so much as people have given up looking or gone to being underemployed and underpaid. I was hoping I could hang in there until retirement, but...

Mary w/the corgis, could you carry them down the stairs, one at a time? I mean, only for a tornado...I wouldn't want to take a chance in one, but Oregon doesn't get them so I'm a wimp. I've only seen one and it was super tiny and no big deal, but anything that can lift a house up, that's enough to make me run for a cellar! Trouble is, I don't have one, I'm in a mobile home, no protection there!

I like the things I am reading here. I remember when George died, I struggled with my sense of self worth. I no longer had that person to bounce things off of, that person that gave me affirmation, that person that looked at me appreciatively, that person that snuggled up with me at night, that person that thought I belonged on top of a pedestal, no matter how much I bounced off. I thought I needed someone's feedback, someone to complete me, someone to spend time with. I thought without that I was somehow "less". John was the worst person in the world I could have turned to for that, ha! Really, it's quite funny, looking back, and thinking, I turned to HIM for affirmation?! I must have been out of my ever loving mind! I have since learned, it's important for us to value ourselves, take care of ourselves, be our own best affirmer, and we need also to pamper ourselves. Like Anne, buy something nice for ourselves, watch a movie, eat chocolate, take care of ourselves, and yes, even pat ourselves on the back. Who else is going to do it? Our spouses have died, our kids are busy with their own lives, it's up to us to do the best job we can with ourselves.

Pumkin, I'm glad you got your butterflies sign.

Jan, you are valuable just because you are you! Because you exist! That is all it takes to be valuable. If a person loses their ability to function, say an illness or injury strikes them, do the become less valuable? No, of course not. In our culture we think we have to accomplish something and have a title next to our name and a paper on the wall to be valuable, but it's not true. I don't know a family that would view their member as being less valuable no matter what took place.

Love the flowers, Anne! I still have some lilacs left so the snow must not have ruined them, think I'll pick a bouquet tonight. I love the way it smells up the house! Mary, aren't you having your floors and dishwasher installed at the same time? Surely you aren't tackling that! I too love thunderstorms, Arlie doesn't seem afraid of them, just curious, like he wonders what's going on.

Mary, it sounds like you are going to be in the situation other Mary was in a while back! At least your dogs will have each other while they are boarded, so hopefully won't feel too unsettled. When will you be uprooted?

Well said. I think sometimes if Paul and I hadn't been so busy in our marriage, who knows what the outcome might have been. All four of us all busy, involved, we raised our kids "on the go". When my son was talking about marriage to his intended, this is one of the things they covered...for she was the same way. He didn't want his marriage lost to "activity" like ours was, and so many others. It remains to be seen what will happen in their marriage, if they will be more successful at balance than we were, but I think they will. I think they will make the concerted effort to take time for them, to keep their lives more balanced. It is harder than it looks in this day and age. It really does take effort!

My mom was crazy and controlling and my dad was ineffectual...I don't respect that either, Plum. I don't want to be with a weak ineffectual man, no offense to my dad. I need an emotionally healthy man who can stand up, not one that buckles and caves to his mom or others. I think a person should do what is right, not be controlled by someone else's whims. I agree, if someone learned, they could have a second chance...but it's hard for a leopard to change his spots and if you don't see evidence of their wanting to change, if they don't admit their wrongs, don't try to learn, it would be foolish to hope for a different response from them. I haven't read that book, but it sounds interesting. I haven't noticed men wanting independent women, but rather groveling over the "damsel in distress" types. Makes me want to puke. I am very independent and can't really be otherwise.

I see where she is coming from too, but it wasn't me and George's experience, so I know that deeper being in love is possible. I also know what you mean, Pollara, about the opposite vs being alike. In every relationship, there will be some things you're the same on and some things you're different on. Of course, we wouldn't want clones of ourselves, that wouldn't be interesting or challenging. It's good to have someone that helps you broaden your perspective and grow as a person. It's also nice to have something else brought to the table. For instance, I was the stable realist and George was the dreamer and more spontaneous. I still miss him jumping out of bed and saying, "Come on, let's go to the coast!" Just as he appreciated my balance in making sure we got our chores done and bills paid. But there were other ways we were alike, like our outlook, our core values, we both enjoyed country music and a great cup of coffee. We enjoyed watching movies together but neither of us were couch potatoes. We enjoyed going for walks and drives, we both loved nature and animals. How could I love someone that didn't love the sound of rushing water or enjoy a sunset with me? So it's important that we be alike in the right ways and different in the right ways...it requires just the right blend and it is often that blend that causes us to feel we at last have found our soul mate. Some say love is how someone makes you feel when you are with them...that is is our own response that makes us feel love.

Sobriety and recovery is an ongoing process, as you well know. It is not the person who regards how tenuous their state is that worries me half as much as the person who feels they've got it licked. My sweet departed dad was an alcoholic, he never knew sobriety until he spent his last month in the hospital. Until then, he drank every day since he was in WWII. It is good that you regard how fragile your state is, for then you can seek help and support as you go through this. Again, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad...it's been over 31 years since mine passed and although it has not interfered with my life, I do still miss him and wish he could have been here for the birth of his grandchildren, and just not missed out on so much.