The daily struggle...

[KATPILOT]

Patty I'm pretty sure that your daughter will be understanding about however you are on her visit. She knows. She gets it. I'm also pretty sure she would see beyond a façade. Try thinking about yourself on this one. You are heading into a season with triggers at every turn. If they lay you low so be it. All that matters is that you survive it and we are all here for each other so you're never alone on this journey. And another thing, the fact that you are still fighting speaks a lot for you being in your first year. The truth is that every one of us who continues trying is doing pretty damn good considering being widowed.

I have added some Snow Village pieces to the collection Kathy and I bought together. Setting up Christmas is the hardest damn thing to do but I am getting better holding myself together every passing year. This piece that I found last year spoke to me so I bought it. It reminded me of the hospice home that Kathy spent her last days in because the ladies who worked there were angels on earth. It also made me think that Kathy would be in that place since she is an angel now too. I told one of my granddaughters when she asked me about the new addition that maybe, just maybe that's where Kathy lives.

[Brad]

There is a scene in the movie from the mid 80's: "One Magic Christmas".  In this scene a girl goes to visit Santa and as they are walking through his workshop she's sees a custodian from her school who had died; he is now one of Santa's helpers, a Christmas Angel.  That was Deedo's dream; to become one of Santa's helpers after she left this world. I sincerely hope she is there.

As for me I am currently more comfortable pretending this month is just like next month or any other month without a holiday.  Maybe my Christmas Angel will find a way to sprinkle me with magic dust.

On another thought:  It always bothered me how frequently in movies the protagonist could not get into the Christmas spirit without being confronted by his/her own death or the death of those near and dear.  I always felt that the message was you better believe OR ELSE!!!!!  My experience is now why even bother?

[KATPILOT]

I'll bet she is Brad as well as a thousand different places she wants to be. I know from things you have written that Deedo loved Christmas. There is a special room in your house that demonstrates that isn't there?  This is your second Christmas without her and my guess is that it isn't much better than last year. Christmas was Kathy's favorite time of the year. We did the decorating together and always hosted the family. It was a joint effort all the way but we relished in it. She baked. I ate. many a night was spent listening to the music with the fire going. It just couldn't have been more perfect. I'm saying this because I took a nose dive at the holidays. Without her it hurt to much to face it alone. All of the activity we shared was left to myself alone and that was a void I can't even describe. The point to this little story is this: I did it anyway. Through the tears and the sorrow I did it anyway and it wasn't that I was masochistic. It was for my sons and grandchildren. It was so we could have the festive dinner among the decorations for no one else cooks and I've got the china. So with some distorted obligation I pushed on and now as I enter my sixth Christmas without her I can say it has become easier. I smile a little more. I find myself breaking down but I get back up again. It only lasts for a few minutes or perhaps an hour but I am so used to the tears in the middle of the joy that it has almost become second nature.  

Every one is different of course but one thing is for certain. I am nothing like the man I was seven Christmases ago. Now as I start baking things as she used to do I will feel her still nearby perhaps watching me with a smile or hopefully keeping me from screwing up.

[Brad]

With my kids living in Texas and Chandler chances are good that I'll be traveling to them rather than them coming to Pinetop.  Deedo was my Christmas spirit and without her there is no reason to hang the mistletoe, kids won't be coming home so there's no need for lights - I'll be in Chandler Christmas Eve and fly to Austen Christmas Day for a week.  I've turned the Christmas room into my den and my old den into a spare bedroom but left just enough Christmas up that it's there if I want it.  It will be years before I'll be able to look at the old videos of Deedo and the kids on Christmas.  Did send them off to be converted to DVD the other day so the kids can have copies.

I really do want to just wake up on January 2nd.

[Margm]

Christmas, other holidays, I never know.  Customs were for my childhood.  My daughter tried to introduce customs, but due to mental overlay, the holidays never were custom.  I always thought that eating at a restaurant would be great.  Someone told me "no, that is not a family Christmas."  My biggest part of my family is gone, but still my granddaughter and sister need some way to celebrate it.  I don't want to think about it.  Billy the Kid was so easy to buy for.  Yes, and when i cleared out his clothes and other things the tags were still on them from years ago.  We lost our biggest child with losing Billy, but will have to start building from the ground up to make this  special.  I can do it.  I still think volunteering at a soup kitchen for homeless people would be more gratifying..  But, I can still hear and see the disbelief in my mama's face when I suggested she volunteer. "What!!!!, not get paid for working????"  Giving was totally lost on her without monetary gifts for doing the volunteering..  I don't think she knew what volunteer meant.  She used to fuss about being on committees to cook for visiting preachers or the bereaved.  My poor little mama.  Life sometimes was lost on her completely.

[Gwenivere]

I put up our 2 foot tree last night.  Now I am wondering why.  Part of me wants to take it down.  Another part says not having anything would make it more lonely and magnified.  What a conundrum.  Like Brad said, I just want this over with.  I'll be alone as there are no kids, family or close friends.  The magic really left this year as last year I still felt him in a weird way.  This year, nothing.  I don't want to hear songs, watch anything to do with Christmas and don't know if I will send cards as I d last year.  It's impossible to avoid it all.  I miss being a part of it.  I've seen things I would get Steve and had to pass them by.  That's a real heartbreaker.  

[mittam99]

Christmas is a very hard holiday for me. Tammy is gone and Katie is now living in Illinois. For me, it really was about them. Putting a smile on their faces. Tammy loved Christmas more than anyone I've ever known. She loved the music and the movies and everything about the holiday season. That's why when I proposed marriage I said "let's get married on Christmas Eve", I knew it was her favorite day of the year. Why not make it even more special, right? We had a small wedding ceremony in her mom and dad's living room in Illinois in front of their Christmas tree. It was Tammy and me, the preacher and his wife and about 15-20 additional family and friends.

Tammy and I bought a beautiful tree and she had the biggest collection of ornaments I've ever seen. Several big boxes of them. Many hundreds of ornaments. Oh how we loved to sit by the lit up tree with the room lights out and make out cuddle...

I simply can't bring myself to put that tree up now. The thought of that tree all trimmed and Tammy not here is just too overwhelming for me. It's pain that I simply can't bear.

[Margm]

Okay, I clearly have no answers, have a hard time helping myself.  So I delete.  I don't want anyone to have to be alone.  I did not want Billy to go.  The only thing I know for sure is he is not coming back no matter what the day is.  I don't want to buy presents.  I gave Bri my credit card and turned her loose on the computer, like Billy liked to do. (She had a limit, she kept within the limit, and she had a ball).  Making her happy is what I am here for.  The rest will get Visa cards and buy what they want.  We will throw together some kind of dinner because my sister has no one now but me.  Poor thing.  It is not the same.  It will never be the same.  I figure that is why my grandmother wrapped all the kids presents with toilet paper one year.  What was the use of going to town and buying more paper.  And, she kept the drawers full of presents given to her for birthdays and Christmas and Mother's Day.  It was funny when she recycled the giver's present back to the giver.  It is what it is, it was what it was.  No more. 

[KATPILOT]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

 It's pain that I simply can't bear.

I can certainly understand why you feel  this way Mitch. What a perfect day for an anniversary yet how very hard it can become. I'm so sorry.

[kayc]

Nobody has to send out cards.  Nobody has to put up a tree.  Each of us should do what feels best for us.  

I put up a tree and decorated the house in honor of George, it feels the right thing to do for "us".  I'm hoping he'll drop by (in his spirit, I haven't totally gone over the edge yet) on Christmas and see what I've done for him and know that I'm still thinking of him and hold him inside my heart.  His stocking is hung next to mine, all of his special ornaments are placed prominently, and I like to think he'll be holding me as I watch the lights on the tree with Arlie.

Mitch, I understand this is going to be doubly hard...triple hard, for you.  What a special memory you have!  I can imagine Tammy with her face lit up as you shared your vows by the Christmas tree, making it all the more her favorite time of year...and yours too.  Have you given any thought as to what you'll do on Christmas?  Will the store be open?  Will you be working?  If you're not able to be distracted by work, maybe spend the day with your family?  I know it's not the same...it never is.  I'll possibly be alone on Christmas this year...if so, it'll be my first one without my daughter since she was born.  If that happens, I'll go to the museum for dinner with all the other old lonely people.

[Cookie]

Kayc:  I too am facing a possible X-max alone this year, the first in my life.  How harsh it seems.  I find myself scrambling to find something to do so it's not so brutal.  My daughter is working double shifts and house-sitting.  Everyone I know has family to go to.  Part of me says, well I guess I'm going to find out what it's like to be alone, and the other part of me feels so terribly sad.  I'm trying to get a hike together with someone for X-mas eve.  Would like to go to sleep and wake up in February.  Hugs to you...Cookie

[Widowedbysuicide]

I understand your desire to wake-up when it's over.  I feel that way often.

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Cookie said:

Would like to go to sleep and wake up in February.

Me too...I could avoid all the year end stuff at the church (reports, tax forms, etc.), bad roads/weather.  I don't recall ever being totally alone at Christmas but they're predicting snow.  A neighbor and I may have dinner at the museum so at least we'll get out for a few minutes.

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎05‎/‎2016 at 5:33 PM, mittam99 said:

Christmas is a very hard holiday for me. Tammy is gone and Katie is now living in Illinois. For me, it really was about them. Putting a smile on their faces. Tammy loved Christmas more than anyone I've ever known. She loved the music and the movies and everything about the holiday season. That's why when I proposed marriage I said "let's get married on Christmas Eve", I knew it was her favorite day of the year. Why not make it even more special, right? We had a small wedding ceremony in her mom and dad's living room in Illinois in front of their Christmas tree. It was Tammy and me, the preacher and his wife and about 15-20 additional family and friends.

Tammy and I bought a beautiful tree and she had the biggest collection of ornaments I've ever seen. Several big boxes of them. Many hundreds of ornaments. Oh how we loved to sit by the lit up tree with the room lights out and make out cuddle...

I simply can't bring myself to put that tree up now. The thought of that tree all trimmed and Tammy not here is just too overwhelming for me. It's pain that I simply can't bear.

Mitch:  I just read this and I feel so bad for you.  It's so hard to know what to do with all this pain.  This is my second X-mas without John and it's much worse.  I too am feeling very sad and full of pain.  I wish there was something I could do for us all...just know my thoughts are with you....Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎05‎/‎2016 at 11:39 AM, Brad said:

With my kids living in Texas and Chandler chances are good that I'll be traveling to them rather than them coming to Pinetop.  Deedo was my Christmas spirit and without her there is no reason to hang the mistletoe, kids won't be coming home so there's no need for lights - I'll be in Chandler Christmas Eve and fly to Austen Christmas Day for a week.  I've turned the Christmas room into my den and my old den into a spare bedroom but left just enough Christmas up that it's there if I want it.  It will be years before I'll be able to look at the old videos of Deedo and the kids on Christmas.  Did send them off to be converted to DVD the other day so the kids can have copies.

I really do want to just wake up on January 2nd.

Going away sounds like a wise idea; wish I had done it.  I don't think I will ever spend another X-Mas here like this.  My thoughts are with you and everyone else here, as I know it is hard for all.  I want to wake up in the spring....Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎12‎/‎05‎/‎2016 at 5:02 PM, Gwenivere said:

I put up our 2 foot tree last night.  Now I am wondering why.  Part of me wants to take it down.  Another part says not having anything would make it more lonely and magnified.  What a conundrum.  Like Brad said, I just want this over with.  I'll be alone as there are no kids, family or close friends.  The magic really left this year as last year I still felt him in a weird way.  This year, nothing.  I don't want to hear songs, watch anything to do with Christmas and don't know if I will send cards as I d last year.  It's impossible to avoid it all.  I miss being a part of it.  I've seen things I would get Steve and had to pass them by.  That's a real heartbreaker.  

Oh Gwenivere:  I know exactly how you feel about seeing things you would get for your husband.  How that hurts.  This year is worse for me than last.  I guess I was still numb then.  I think I like the numbness better than this.  I'll be there with you in thoughts....Cookie

[kayc]

This is my first Christmas alone.  I've had times I thought I would be but it's always worked out otherwise in the end.  It's my first Christmas without my daughter but I didn't want her to risk anything, and since they didn't plow the roads we now have snow pack...she needs new tires and with a baby on the way...I'd rather they be safe at home.  Will talk to them later.

[KATPILOT]

Sometimes Patty when you sit quietly and watch the fire you can see both of you together.

[Gwenivere]

Beautiful, Steve.  Brought me to tears.

[Cookie]

Well, this was a hard, hard holiday and it's not over yet.  I used to like holidays.  Feel so alone and sad.  Feeling like I will never be whole again.  It's been 18 months and one might think there would have been some progress, but this feels worse than ever.  I know I need to just keep going, keep taking one day at a time, but this is long and hard.....

[Gwenivere]

Cookie, I can so relate to your post.  This was by far the hardest holidays I've been thru and it was my 3rd.  I feel awful,saying thus, but reading your struggle validated mine.  I've been going thru the days feeling unwhole and desperately lonely.  Wondering if I will ever get over this sadness that overshadows every single moment of my life now.  I feel I am losing my mind most of the time.  It seems the farther I get from his death, the more emptiness I feel.  I go thru the motions of the day, but they are becoming more empty as each day passes.  It it weren't for the very few people I can talk to, I'm not sure I could keep this up much longer. I have some errands to do this afternoon and all I want us to get home, yet I know that brings no solace either.  So where do we go for some peace?  I keep the house up but the reward is so much less.  People say at least I have the dogs.  I am glad I do, but they will never fill the voids my soul needs.  They have become more needy too without someone else to entertain them so that is hard. One of Steve's (now my) friend came over to do some repairs.  I so appreciate it, but it's the wrong guy, it's not him.   I'm so tired of the darkness in my heart.  The triggers keep mounting out of the blue.  Yesterday I saw something and cried all night because I won't buy it for me, but had Steve been here, he would have wanted to for us.  I never thought I'd see a day a refridgerator would bring me crushing down.  Little stuff I can do.  Changes to the house just feel so weird to even think about without him to share in.  Something we always did together.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

This was my year of firsts.  Tonight is the anniversary of our engagement 37 years ago, Thursday will be the anniversary of my husband's suicide.  I feel like I'm drowning and I don't care.

[Gwenivere]

It's so hard, Marita.  I didn't think today would bother me as it was a non holiday for us.  Now it marks the beginning of another year without him.  I have all new calendars to put up filled with more and more days to get thru.

many hugs to you for the significance of today and looking at the beginning of your lives tigether and your upcoming anniversary.  I know it was so special getting engaged on the eve.  We had no idea then that that joy could be turned into such pain.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Gwen.  Hugs 

[Margm]

I'm sorry Marita.  As a mother of two bipolar middle aged "kids" and the daughter of two with undiagnosed mental illnesses, and myself with chronic depression, I understand a lot of things I wish I didn't.  We are all trying to wrestle with things that go way beyond our power to understand.  One can look at me and see someone that had her husband for 54 years.  They do not know what all happened in those 54 years (though with my word salads, I leave little to the imagination.)  Still, I realize how lucky I was to have him so long, I was lucky his illness did not drag on long like both his and my dad's did.  I am lucky I have so many friends that have lived as long as I have and have the wisdom of walking on the same coals we all walk on.  But my love for him goes so deep that it is hard to imagine "luck" playing any part of it.  I just miss him so bad that I still look at the sky and ask him why he left me.  I know he did not do it on purpose, but I am so selfish I wanted to go first, but then that person I loved would be suffering just like I am.  All any of us can do is just make it through the day.  At first my brain protected my body by numbing down.  Then it quit doing that and a terror of being alone among a bunch of people that needs my help, and trying to understand that I can only do what I can do, and then I can do no more.  I don't want to stay, but I have to stay to make sure a little granddaughter has a chance at life.  I only hope I get that chance, to live long enough to help her.  I don't want to hurt those I love, but I want them to have someone that when I go, they can lean on them instead of me.  With life comes responsibility.  We are life.  Until we aren't.