brat#2 Posted December 31, 2016 Report Share Posted December 31, 2016 Marita, I feel your pain and know how hard it is, wish I had some words of wisdom to give you to make it better, but know that you are not alone, we are here. Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 1, 2017 Report Share Posted January 1, 2017 Marita, I have nothing to add except I care and I'm sorry it's so hard. (((hugs))) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 I am back from my trip, sitting in a ghost town of Maui Pasta alone, I couldn't avoid coming here after dropping my bags off at the house. I want to call someone and ask them to talk me off the cliff, so to speak, but, as another thread touches on, I'm tired of being a burden - 8 days away, and for the first time since Ron died, I slowed down, and I'm afraid I can't get back up. I seem to be saying to myself, well, I kept Maui Pasta going for a year after he could not come here (aka RIGHT now)... and 10 months since he is gone from this planet, to come back to it, and all the very extreme, severe landlord threats, the money problems, being behind on everything... I'm wondering WHY anymore? Just WHY? As I wound down the trip, I spent the last two nights pretty sleepless, with hardly any airplane sleeping, my refuge. My mind racing all night, trying to piece together how I can possibly survive the next months, save Maui Pasta, or reinvent it. All I come up with is WHY bother? I know there are reasons, and after all, here I sit, but damn it seems ultimately impossible, and I've dragged this new business partner into this mess. 8 days ago, I put it all on hold to survive the holidays, to see my very ill mom 5000 miles away, to buck it up for the Holidays With Family. As I was pulling out of the driveway to leave my parents' home, my mom for the first time not able to see me off, I was crying, and my dad's final words to me were, "Stop cryin!" I know what he meant was "I can't stand to see you in pain" and "It will be ok" -- his world so falling apart too, but you know, the voice echoes. Not that I am very successful at obeying his orders at all. All I know for sure is that the sun will go ahead and rise tomorrow morning anyway, and be another echo of last year's frantic start of trying to futilely save Ron's life. I had two really strong instances in Connecticut where Ron made his presence be known. It helped me hold on, I imagine that was the point... and I will share when I can... but since the wheels of the plane touched down on Maui 3 hours ago, my heart has been racing, and the sky is crying in Paradise. Thanks for listening, and I'm so so sorry it's been so hard for so many of us. Hugs to you. Patty 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 And yes the sun will still rise Patty. Somehow on the other side of tomorrow you will still be standing. The Moon and Venus as they dance over Maui tonight was meant for you to see. Sleep well. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Very dear Patty, we are here to hurt with you, and we are listening. We see you. We love you. We've got you. Wrap yourself in a big, warm hug from all of us . . . ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 12 hours ago, Patty65 said: I'm wondering WHY anymore? Just WHY? Sometimes I think there is just no answer to this and you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, if only to see if maybe something good comes along. The only thing to do is the best you can at each moment. You have really been going through it, trying to keep a business together in the landscape of devastating loss and stress. We feel for you... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 And the other word added to "why" is "how?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 "How" is way more productive, Marg, thank you! We sure all know the "whys" are quite unanswerable most of the time, aren't they? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 7, 2017 Report Share Posted January 7, 2017 On 12/30/2016 at 9:23 PM, Gwenivere said: Cookie, I can so relate to your post. This was by far the hardest holidays I've been thru and it was my 3rd. I feel awful,saying thus, but reading your struggle validated mine. I've been going thru the days feeling unwhole and desperately lonely. Wondering if I will ever get over this sadness that overshadows every single moment of my life now. I feel I am losing my mind most of the time. It seems the farther I get from his death, the more emptiness I feel. I go thru the motions of the day, but they are becoming more empty as each day passes. It it weren't for the very few people I can talk to, I'm not sure I could keep this up much longer. I have some errands to do this afternoon and all I want us to get home, yet I know that brings no solace either. So where do we go for some peace? I keep the house up but the reward is so much less. People say at least I have the dogs. I am glad I do, but they will never fill the voids my soul needs. They have become more needy too without someone else to entertain them so that is hard. One of Steve's (now my) friend came over to do some repairs. I so appreciate it, but it's the wrong guy, it's not him. I'm so tired of the darkness in my heart. The triggers keep mounting out of the blue. Yesterday I saw something and cried all night because I won't buy it for me, but had Steve been here, he would have wanted to for us. I never thought I'd see a day a refridgerator would bring me crushing down. Little stuff I can do. Changes to the house just feel so weird to even think about without him to share in. Something we always did together. Gwen: I can relate to you too. I know what you mean about the house and someone working on it and it not being your husband. That takes me down too. I keep thinking I will do better at some time to move from here, maybe do some kind of house share or community thing where there are other widows and people who understand this. The hardest thing is living in the same house in the same community and everything has drastically changed for me but no one else. Everyone and everything is going on as usual but not for me. That is really lonely. I've been waiting for that to get better, but as you said, I also feel like it's lonelier the further out from his death I am. Wish we were neighbors; maybe we could at least give each other the comfort of understanding. I am also already tired of worrying about house repairs, want to downsize, so I probably will down the road. Take care...sending you good thoughts, Cookie 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 8, 2017 Report Share Posted January 8, 2017 22 hours ago, Cookie said: I also feel like it's lonelier the further out from his death I am. I feel that too. I don't think people understand that, they feel by now I should be used to his being gone...not sure you ever get totally used to it. I mean, I don't expect him to walk through the door, so in that sense I suppose I'm used to it, but this continued feeling of being alone...I don't think I'll ever be used to it, I mean if after 11 years I haven't, I doubt I will. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted January 14, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Just need to vent this horrible saga, with such a fear that Maui Pasta just can't survive this much drama. I really could lose what Ron and I worked so hard for. Or have to start completely over, with just a recipe book under my arm. Every day I struggle with my own anxiety when money troubles or landlord troubles show up -- which has literally been every day. The landlords want us out because they want to sell. They are trying to evict us based on a dispute about raised rent when they put a "for sale" sign on our building which damages sales every day, among a million other things. Sometimes I really feel they think they can do this because Ron isn't here anymore. The man isn't here anymore, how can the woman possibly run the business by herself? Maybe not. Sure feels that way. Last weekend, they randomly kicked us out of our employee parking lot to re-stripe it, and randomly cut our number of parking spaces in half, so our employees would not be able to park. then today, one of the landlords came by to inspect -- inside and out. Their biggest complaint -- that I don't communicate enough with them. Huhhhh? Why would I want to when they are so hostile, and besides which, I've communicated with hardly anyone here in my grief. besides, our lawyer said not to! Outside, she tells my employees (I refused to be in her presence, per our lawyer), that they have to remove their cars. I told them not to, we have a right to those spaces. Some move their cars anyway in fear of being towed, because a TOW TRUCK shows up! My business partner goes out there, and starts videoing. Long story short, the tow truck driver interacts with her taking offense to the videoing and touches her person in an angry state and gets in her face. She calls the police. After the police leave, my business partner has a panic attack, and she has a heart problem, and I am rushing her to the ER. The same ER ron landed one year ago. We were two rooms down from the horrid spot I heard the news about Rons brain tumors after he collapsed. My business partner is OK. I don't even know how to begin to recover. I just want peace. I just want to heal. I just want my Ron back to protect me and help me. Or at least be out of trauma enough to feel his spirit near me. We are obviously going to have to move, and we don't have the money to move. I have to lean on those I Love to help me hold on. It's so damn hard to have Maui Pasta in jeopardy at the same time Ron was leaving me last year now. Because those memories, they flood. And flood and flood. Thanks for the vent Patty 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Yes it is so hard Patty to heal in grief when so overwhelmed by this kind of c*#%. Maybe if you just get away for a few minutes and let him reach you then you can feel his strength. I know that is hard to do for you have been blasted today and being in that hospital didn't help but I wish for you so many good things. Perhaps one of them will get through. Hang in there Patty and vent as much as you can. Always remember the sun will come up tomorrow. And who is the sun? And who is the moon? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Patty, dear Patty ~ I'm so sorry. I know there is nothing we can do to fix this ~ but I need for you to know that we're all thinking of you, holding you close, praying that this will all work out the way it should, knowing that somehow, some way, you will find the strength, the determination and the will to get through all of it. We are pulling for you, and we are sending you hope, peace and light . . . ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Your partner sounds like a cracker jack. She tried to fight back and I do not know her, but maybe she will have a suit against the owner where the owner might have to leave things alone. No, I cannot even go back to where my house was, I know that was terror for you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Patty, So wish you some peace during these very hard times for you! Do not know what you can do, but we are all rooting for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted January 14, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Such, such a beautiful Heart, Steve... Thank You. Yes, Marg, she is a cracker jack. I thought for sure she would want to bow out of the business now, but she doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will believe me, as the drama and triggers and things going wrong won't stop. When the business was failing at hospice, and Ron, and the car was stolen, even hospice could hardly believe it. Sometimes I feel cursed... Everyone, stay away from Patty, she's just cursed! Sometimes I think Maui Pasta is lethal. And basically, I am Maui Pasta. Maybe I should just stop. I don't know. I think the numbness of helping my partner at the same hospital as Ron is wearing off. I just want a break. When I have alone time, last-year-now pours in. This is like the endless carousel ride from hell here lately, and I JUST want off. Sorry. Will try to stop the tears, still at work. After all, we are all going through this nightmare in our own journeys of loss. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Not to make light of such a harrowing experience, but it sure makes wonder where our cosmic brownie points are when we need them. I'm so sorry you had today anyday, Patty. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 On 1/13/2017 at 10:43 PM, Patty65 said: Such, such a beautiful Heart, Steve... Thank You. Yes, Marg, she is a cracker jack. I thought for sure she would want to bow out of the business now, but she doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will believe me, as the drama and triggers and things going wrong won't stop. When the business was failing at hospice, and Ron, and the car was stolen, even hospice could hardly believe it. Sometimes I feel cursed... Everyone, stay away from Patty, she's just cursed! Sometimes I think Maui Pasta is lethal. And basically, I am Maui Pasta. Maybe I should just stop. I don't know. I think the numbness of helping my partner at the same hospital as Ron is wearing off. I just want a break. When I have alone time, last-year-now pours in. This is like the endless carousel ride from hell here lately, and I JUST want off. Sorry. Will try to stop the tears, still at work. After all, we are all going through this nightmare in our own journeys of loss. As I read your story, I am reminded of the trials you went through before and everything seemed like it was a losing battle.... yet you still survived and thrived. As a sole-proprietor of a business for 19 years I have gone through my share of heartaches and disappointments. With the fall of the economy in 2008, I couldn't see how we could survive losing 60% of our business when we were barely surviving before. Yet we still have. The battles and struggles of life are all indicators that we will survive somehow when we continue to strive and push through. It is okay to Quit for a few hours or even a day or two. The secret is to get back up and fight again. You have been through this before and you have a great partner who is on your side and all of us here to cheer you on. It is in the darkest hour that you can see the true glimpse of what is Maui Pasta. It's not the sauce or recipe, or even the building. It is you, Ron, and the heart, soul, and desire of the business. The dark forces will always strive to kill, steal, and destroy your dream. Rely on your faith and belief that you will find a way when there seems to be no way. "I will persist till I succeed" - Og Mandino My heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you. - Shalom, George 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 14, 2017 Report Share Posted January 14, 2017 Patty, I am so sorry. I want so much to "fix" this and can't. But you have a lot of people that care about you and are pulling for you. I hope you can get the message from Ron that you need, the comfort and encouragement you yearn for. Your landlord seems to be overstepping his bounds. And the tow truck driver definitely crossed his. They're almost cruisin' for a lawsuit or some type of action! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 25, 2017 Report Share Posted January 25, 2017 Thinking about you in the "55 days" Patty. As Toto would say "Who says a crescent moon doesn't shine?". Ron may not be with you in the physical plane but his love carries on. All you have to do is look up. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 26, 2017 Thanks, Steve. Some days, I just don't think I can go on with all this anymore. Today is one. Just want to go running and screaming as far away as I can, and its not far enough since I live on an island. The bad-now and the bad-last-year are colliding. Hard to reach out. Hugs everyone. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 26, 2017 Report Share Posted January 26, 2017 Oh Patty. I am praying for you, too. You and Butch. Neither of you deserves all of this. Not fair. Not fair at all . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted January 26, 2017 Report Share Posted January 26, 2017 Patty, I pray for better days for us all. There are a bunch of people we used to hear from we don't hear from anymore. I still worry about Debbi and her son. I wish we all had peace. I'm so sorry about the strife and worry our members of this forum have to go through.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Patty if you read this remember and don't forget. This collision is temporary and you know you have someone to bring you out of that dark place. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted January 27, 2017 Report Share Posted January 27, 2017 Patty, one day at a time. Hugs. The daily struggle is the life we all live now. Nothing comes easy. Good times and happiness seem to be nothing but a distant memory. I've been struggling mightily in recent months. Struggling with the idea that Tammy isn't coming back. Struggling with the day to day drudgery of my life alone. Struggling to live a fulfilling life devoid of love. All I have in my life now are the memories of my life with Tammy and the knowledge that she was perfect for me. I try to look forward but looking forward can be so painful. It hurts to think that this may be as good as it gets for me. I can't believe it's been 22 and 1/2 months since Tammy died. I've just started tackling a very difficult project at home. There's a room in the basement that, over the years, became the depository for everything and anything that didn't fit elsewhere in the house. It's been years since I've gone down there and tried to straighten it out. Car parts, old tires, old landscaping equipment, old electronics, old exercise equipment, toys and so much assorted junk and clutter. Because of Tammy's health woes, I did neglect this room for many years. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it. Physically, this is a huge cleanup project. The even harder part is the emotional challenges I'm facing. So many of the items there are Tammy's. Her vast collection of crosstitch patterns, fabric, craft stuff, sewing stuff, an old sewing machine, her old pc, part of her sizable Barbie doll collection... on and on. Even seeing some boxes that Tammy had written her name on caused some deep anguish. Daily, weekly, monthly... honestly, the struggles are pretty much 24/7. Life without Tammy isn't just hard, it feels almost unbearable at times. I miss my sweet Tammy. I miss the love we shared. I miss the life I had. Mitch 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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