rdownes Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 I just got the report back today Kevin passed from a Fentanol overdose, I feel like I am losing it he died from a bad bag of heroin, I am crying wanting to rip my heart out why Kevin why chose drugs over us you'd still be here if you would have listened to me I am angry and hurt I don't know how to feel I feel like I am back to day one where do I go from here how do I deal with and accept this I don't know how . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebro Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 I'm so very sorry. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Robin,. So sorry . I have no experience with this kind of addiction, but I know it must have been horrible for the both of you. Just want you to know that you are in my prayers. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 (((((Robin))))) we are all with you in spirit. Hold on, OK? This pain... its indescribable... all the feelings, so many of them. Curl up and cry or scream or whatever you need to... I wish there was another way through this agony. We are all standing with you. Patty 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Dear, dear Robin. Feel your feelings, sit with the pain and sorrow, and know that we are here for you to lean on and to listen as you come to terms with this new information that has hit you like a ton of bricks. I know it feels as if you're back at day one, but remember that feelings are not the same as facts. The forward progress you have made is real, and there is no reason to think that it won't continue. This is a major bump in the road, but it's not the end of the road. Kevin chose drugs not because he didn't love you. It's because addiction is an illness he could not control, and that illness is what led to his death. His life and his love for you and your family matter far more than the way that he died. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Thank you all I can't stop the tears or the ache in my heart I feel so angry right now then I feel guilty for being angry at him because he is gone but I feel I have a right to be angry with him, I know he had an addiction like I have said before it was always either alcohol or drugs and I blame the bipolar to it is like he was doing it to escape his brain but knowing all this is not a help right now it just makes me feel more sad it is like I now have figure out how to accept, forgive and keep moving on all of which feels impossible right now I still love him but it hurts so bad 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Robin, Kevin was living his own kind of Hell on Earth with the addiction and issues....I pray he has found some peace..And if you think you had any control over his habit, you couldn't be more mistaken...been down that road...Robin, you will always love the Kevin you know, hold on to those good memories... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finch Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 I am sorry for your hurt at finding this out, Robin. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 11 hours ago, rdownes said: I just got the report back today Kevin passed from a Fentanol overdose, I feel like I am losing it he died from a bad bag of heroin, I am crying wanting to rip my heart out why Kevin why chose drugs over us you'd still be here if you would have listened to me I am angry and hurt I don't know how to feel I feel like I am back to day one where do I go from here how do I deal with and accept this I don't know how . Robin, I'm so sorry, Hon. I know anything I can say here could come off as oversimplified or trite, and I realize that, but...this was a disease that had a hold over him in its powerful sway, so much so that I don't think he was thinking. YOU are definitely worthy of consideration, so are your kids, and I'm so sorry he didn't stop in his tracks and THINK! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Robin, I'm so sorry you are having to relive that first day again and to know the true reason why. Hold on and we are here for you when you need us. Hugs Joyce 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Robin I too am so sorry that you are in such despair. I can understand wanting answers, as I still ask why, but I can see that sometimes it was better not knowing. Never forget that you are amazing! You matter to many friends and family, including your family on here. My heart is with you. Marita 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Robin, I'm so sorry this news has you feeling so devastated. Fentanyl is a very powerful and very addictive drug. I'll never forget the time Tammy was in the hospital and rehabbing for many months after a major surgery. The doctors had her on a Fentanyl patch for the pain. When she was released to go home, prescriptions were written for many drugs and pain killers but not the Fentanyl patch. One day after being home, Tammy became confused. She didn't know where she was or what year it was. She didn't know exactly who I was. I called a physician and found out that you never were supposed to go cold turkey on the Fenanyl patch but the rehab doctors never told us that. Tammy was suffering severe withdrawal symptoms. That was a very scary day I will never forget. I don't know a lot about addiction to drugs but they do often become an overwhelming force in people's lives. I certainly don't think your Kevin "chose" the drugs over you and your family. I don't think he was taking drugs because he didn't love you. The drugs sadly, began to rule and control his life. Yes, he made a choice to take the drugs but I'm sure he never meant to cause you and your family the pain you now feel. You have come so far in you grief journey. I've seen the change in you since you joined here. Yes, this feels like a huge, devastating step back. Maybe it has taken you all the way back to the day Kevin died. But, I know you and I know you will face the rest of today and all your tomorrows with the same positive spirit you've already shown. As always, it's just a moment to moment life we now live. This moment hurts and has rocked you to your core. You will bounce back from this. You will take those baby steps again. And we will always be here to help you along the way. Hugs, Mitch. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Thank you all so much for your support I appreciate it and am thankful I am trying to process this and accept it for I know holding on to guilt and anger will not help me in this journey besides feeling anger at Kevin right now I also feel love and sadness it is sad he lost the battle to addiction I know it was not his choice to be an addict and he did not chose to die, I know he loved us to the best of his ability he was not a perfect man but he was my "forever love" and nothing I found out changes that I just need time to learn to accept,deal and cope again but I will somehow find my way again. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 I have decided I will not let how Kevin died define the person that he was, I will not let addiction ruin my life or my families we will not be a product of addiction!! 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 27, 2016 Report Share Posted September 27, 2016 Good for you, dear one. Good for you. ♥ 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 Addiction is a disease. They have on my husband's death certificate CA of colon, yet there was only one nodule in his colon and the cancer was mostly in his liver. Billy had an addiction too. He was addicted to nicotine. I cannot definitely tell you his addiction killed him, but from reports that were given to me his liver was destroyed by the cancer.. He kept a dip in his mouth all the time I knew him, after he gave up the cigarettes. We had no signs. He had his twice yearly checkups. So, quite possibly his addiction to nicotine all his life took his life. He could not give it up. He tried, he would cut down to two cans a week, but I was told it was one of the hardest addictions to let go of. There are addicts that do not mean to to an overdose, they do not mean to end their life. My mother smoked the majority of her 95 years. My son's liver does not function 100% because of his addiction, that he does not have now. We lose many people to overdoses because they did not control the amount or took it with liquor. Not everyone wanted to leave us. I know myself, addiction to drugs is a disease. Not only that, but the tendency to be addicted is passed down in families. My great grandfather died in the Charity Hospital from alcohol, his great granddaughter died in her 16-year-old son's arms from alcohol. Whatever the diagnosis is, whether it is right or wrong, we have to learn to live without them. I have possibly said too much. My first article from a resident at the teaching hospital that was published in a urology journal was that smokeless tobacco played a role in kidney cancer. Billy's adrenal glands had cancer all in them. I know of no family that suffers the death of a family member that does not suffer the effects of the reason that person died, whether it is from cancer or a drug, speed or nicotine. I could get angry at Billy for keeping on with the smokeless tobacco. But, he could not give it up. Other people could, but he could not. It is like he told me when I had cancer "if you die, all your problems will be over with and the sadness and problems of the world will be left on us that survive." The wording was not the same but the meaning was. And, that is how it is. My heart is with you. Sometimes people get a hold of something they cannot handle and we cannot help them. Their worries are over with now. Ours are not. I don't believe any of them wanted to leave us though. I do not write this lightly. I do not want to offend. I write it with nearly three quarters a century of living and over half of that with a man that could never give up his nicotine. He had an addiction. I have had one also and if the drug had not been taken away from me and made illegal, I would not be here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mik Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how it happened. Addiction is a disease. He passed away due to this disease. His choices were influenced by it. Again, I am so sorry. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 Marg you are so right none of them wanted to leave us I know he did not want to and I value your words of wisdom yes the survivors are left to deal with the world and it sucks no matter what the cause of them leaving us we it is just hard no matter what, it isjust hard being without your soulmate, tonight I told Kevin I forgive him and I still love him. Thank you Mik I know that the drug had taken control and it was out of my control addiction ruins lives but I won't let it ruin mine or taint our love. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 I wanted to share something else that bothers me his family did upset me alittle his brother said nobody meaning my kids better not post on Facebook that their father passed from an overdose because they are not going to have people saying he was a drug addict, I know it is their denial I know it is their own journey and they have their reasons it is not that anyone would post it out there something so personal but it is what he passed from addicts are people with feelings,hopes and dreams they are people who have families that love them and they love it is a disease not an embarrassment some people just never get the help they need and laying blame on anyone once they are gone changes nothing I know it's hard it was hard for me to admit on here at first but now that I have it is a lifted burden on my heart I knew he had addicted tendencies from the beginning that got worse but I also no he showed me a love like no other I would still go back and choose him again because he was and always will be a blessing in my life I know I can't force them to accept or deal with anything it is their path it just frustrated me hugs 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 Robin - I am so sorry to hear this painful news. Addiction is a curse that cuts across all lines. Some of my absolute favorite people in my life have died of additions and their aftermath, and they were all absolutely splendid people. It is heartbreaking to see lives of wonderful people ruined and lost over addiction, but I agree with you - it's a tragedy. Some people see any kind of weakness as an embarrassment, but we all have weaknesses of some kind - weaknesses are just part of who we are as humans. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 15 hours ago, rdownes said: I have decided I will not let how Kevin died define the person that he was, I will not let addiction ruin my life or my families we will not be a product of addiction!! Good for you! That's the Robin I have come to know and love! I know there's ups and downs in our journeys, times we're haunted, times we're strong, but we weather them all. Yesterday I had to attend another funeral, this time a man in my church and senior site that I've known and loved for 16 years...a man that George loved and looked up to. He was a solid rock to everyone who knew him. Two funerals in four days is too much. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 Kayce am sorry to hear of so many loses of people you know hugs to you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted September 28, 2016 Report Share Posted September 28, 2016 1 hour ago, kayc said: ...Two funerals in four days is too much. Dang - that's terrible! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 8, 2016 Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 On 9/27/2016 at 6:47 PM, rdownes said: I have decided I will not let how Kevin died define the person that he was, I will not let addiction ruin my life or my families we will not be a product of addiction!! Robin.......this seems perhaps appropriate for you..... 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2016 Kat, thank you so much it is beautiful. I know all his pain and suffering is gone no more having to battle addiction or the demons in his head from the bipolar, he is with his dad again who he truly missed, I know he didn't want to leave us and everything happens for a reason though I will never know why that day was his day to pass only God knows why all I can do now is cherish his memory and hold on to his love until we meet again. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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