R.Everit55 Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 Hey friends. I've not been around. I have been having a very tough time. So tough I felt unsafe. And I have a lot to live for in my son DIL grandchildren and a new Grandbaby coming in March. But my issue is that my Mary is not here and even though I should be "over" it after 20 months I just can't and I know when I need help. So I told my therapist and was inpatient in the psych unit for about a week. I feel weak for failing. I still don't feel myself. Just not right. I had some med changes in there. I'm seeing my therapist weekly and can page her at any time. She's wonderful. But I still feel not right. Will I or any of us get over losing our loves? I feel like such an utter failure. My son has gotten through his mom's death with a lot of grace. But I'm just struggling to no end. I have read many of your posts but can't find words to reply. I'm here but silent. I'm sorry words fail me. Thoughts and hugs to all of you ❤️ Butch 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 (((Butch))) you are not a failure or weak -- you are strong for recognizing you need help and for letting yourself get the help that you need. It's something I have trouble with. I'm so glad you did that and you have such a supportive therapist. Patty 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 Butch it's not weak your feeling as you do. Perhaps taking care of your dad and all the stress involved in your life took it's toll on you. The overwhelming thing about grief is not having them there when we need them the most. Just as they always were. Rest if you can and let your love for Mary help for she is not very far away and that love goes on for all of time. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 We are all hoping and praying for you, Butch. It is such a hard road we all are on. Glad you are getting the help you need. Gin 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 Oh Butch, I'm so sorry that you are having an extra difficult time right now. I thought perhaps that you were just "taking a break" from the forum. I am glad you took the initiative and went in for some help. Perhaps it is the med change that is adding to your feeling of just not feeling like yourself. I don't really think you "get over it". Somehow, we just trudge onward. You are not a failure, my friend. Far from it. Karen 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 There is no need for you to be posting replies to anyone, Butch, unless and until you feel like doing so. It's just good to know that you're still here with us. Thank you for checking in, which is reassuring to all of us. I must tell you that no, you will never, ever "get over" losing your beloved. There is no "getting over" this grief of yours. There is only "going through." And the "going through" will last for the rest of your life. That does not mean, however, that the intensity of the pain will last forever, Butch. You will find many ways to re-invest in life without Mary's physical presence in your life ~ and there are so many ways for you to keep her spiritual presence alive! Consider how you feel whenever you look into your precious Gracie's eyes, or hug and kiss your grandsons good night. Mary's very DNA lives on in those precious grandchildren, as she lives on in your son ~ and of course she lives in your own heart forever. These are blessings beyond measure, dear Butch ~ blessings that some of our other members do not have. I'm so relieved to know that you are working with a therapist you like ~ and I hope you will stop thinking of yourself as "weak for failing." It takes far more strength to acknowledge our need for support than it does to just give up. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I am very, very proud of you. Remember, too, that you have so many friends on this site who love you and are pulling for you. ♥ 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted September 29, 2016 Report Share Posted September 29, 2016 4 minutes ago, MartyT said: Mary's very DNA lives on in those precious grandchildren, as she lives on in your son ~ and of course she lives in your own heart forever. That truth is so cool. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted September 30, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Thank you all so much. ❤️ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Not weakness Butch. You are very strong to seek help when you know you need it. I am dragging my feet. I admire your strength. I hope I can gather my own. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Butch in no way are you a failure dealing with the loss of our soulmates is hard and it takes a strong person just to get up and face everyday, I think we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for and needing help is fine I am sure you children and grandchildren want you around you have experienced multiple losses give yourself some credit you are doing the best you can, remember everyone has their own pace in grief you should not compare yourself to others or have expectations that you should be over it, I know I will never be over my Kevin they will forever be a part of our lives living in our hearts, try to remember your children's grief is different your grieving the loss of your soulmate they are grieving loss of a parent not that it is easier but it is different my children are dealing better than me but that is ok with me they are supposed to be able to go on and live out their dreams I know it is hard and my heart goes out to you just don't give up keep Mary ibn your heart and take care of yourself 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 The world already judges us as weak when we suffer deeper than it understands. We can't do that to ourselves because we know how deeply this cuts thru our hearts and will forever. I hope you will feel a little better with the med change and knowing you are like all of us. Forever changed, strong even he we are crawling along as best we can and getting over the loss is not what happens. Best we can hope for is to adapt to our new selves. 20 months is not very long tho it feels forever. I'm at 23 and still aching inside. you took care of you, that is the farthest thing from weak there is. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 30, 2016 Report Share Posted September 30, 2016 Butch, You probably don't feel you have answers for yourself, let alone any of us. That is okay. Take your time and take care of YOU, first and foremost! We all love you and care about you, yet we understand too. This is the place for self care and understanding, not judgment. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted October 1, 2016 Report Share Posted October 1, 2016 On September 29, 2016 at 0:27 PM, MartyT said: There is no need for you to be posting replies to anyone, Butch, unless and until you feel like doing so. It's just good to know that you're still here with us. Thank you for checking in, which is reassuring to all of us. I'm so relieved to know that you are working with a therapist you like ~ and I hope you will stop thinking of yourself as "weak for failing." It takes far more strength to acknowledge our need for support than it does to just give up. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I am very, very proud of you. Remember, too, that you have so many friends on this site who love you and are pulling for you. ♥ I agree with everyone here in saying that you are not a failure or weak. You are STRONG! You knew you needed help and you asked for it. Then you followed what your therapist wanted and went into hospital. All that is HARD! And you are BRAVE because you are setting a Great Example of Caring for Yourself by posting here that you did it!! You have just made it so much easier (and better) for those that are really struggling to ask for help. I think you are AWESOME Butch! Your whole family must be so proud of you! As for your Son's ability to manage his grief right now... He may be shielding you from some of his emotions. That is okay, he will do well, after all he has to be pretty great as he is part of you and your lovely Mary. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Butch, I've often said that in my opinion, the weakest people are those who steadfastly REFUSE to accept they ever need help and never get it......you were wise, AND strong to accept, and DO something about it! Best wishes to you! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Wow. Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and love and understanding. I'm overtaken with emotion. I'm still not myself. Going to try to stop figuring out why because it's driving me further into depression and anxiety. It is what it is and I can't change it. Just have to roll with it. You ALL are so wonderful to take time from your grief to support me. You will never know what that means to my heart. ❤️ 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Butch, remember that you have been so supportive of us, also. We care about you and sure hope you feel better. Gin 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Butch there is no need for thank yous we are fellow grievers who understand your pain and want you to know your in our thoughts and prayers. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 11 hours ago, R.Everit55 said: Going to try to stop figuring out why because it's driving me further into depression and anxiety. It is what it is and I can't change it. That is what we have to do with grief...all the analyzing in the world doesn't change a thing. Sending warm hugs to you! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 A thoughtful piece by Carol Staudacher (in A Time to Grieve: Meditations for Healing After the Death of a Loved One) comes to mind: I need to keep my mind clear and just think this through. Some survivors try to think their way through grief. That doesn’t work. Grief is a releasing process, a discovery process, a healing process. We cannot release or discover or heal by the use of our minds alone. The brain must follow the heart at a respectful distance. It is our hearts that ache when a loved one dies. It is our emotions that are most drastically affected. Certainly the mind suffers, the mind recalls, the mind may plot and plan and wish, but it is the heart that will blaze the trail through the thicket of grief. Grief is a discovery process. I will open myself to the discoveries my heart and head will make. Grief is a healing journey, and I will trust my heart to lead my head in this journey. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 Today is tough. I am in need of an extra Xanax (am allotted an extra one if needed) because I'm so anxious and can't calm. I don't want to feel like this. I promised my Mary I would do my best. This is not my best at all. It is just what is though. Thank you Marty for the article. I will read it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 My Gracie girl in a Halloween outfit and standing up cruising shes only seven months and already standing up and taking steps if I hold her hand she walks It's crazy 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 1 hour ago, R.Everit55 said: I promised my Mary I would do my best. This is not my best at all. Maybe this IS your best right now, Butch. Try to be as understanding and patient with yourself as your Mary would be...or as you would be with her. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted October 2, 2016 Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 2 hours ago, R.Everit55 said: This is not my best at all. Butch, this is our best. But, I do have to say every time you put that baby's picture on here it makes me smile. Can you believe how many smiles you have provided all of us. She is beautiful. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted October 2, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2016 I'm glad Gracie girl makes you smile. She and her big brothers are my hope and inspiration. As well as the new little boy coming in the spring. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 3, 2016 Report Share Posted October 3, 2016 They are a beautiful inspiration I know my grandbabies can still bring a smile to my face no matter how hard a day and it feels nice amazing picture she is precious. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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