Going through the motions

[Marie Lee]

Friendship....Aaaahhh....how I have puzzled over that word....

Trust? Hmmmm, not my strength, thankfully Kev helped me there....

One of the reason I was so thankful to reconnect with an old friend...it was like Kevin whispered her name to me, knowing I needed a true friend...I know now how rare that is...

I had thought of her on and off..knew she remarried... Then her name and her maiden name came to my mind out of the blue..

Her name is unusual, so I thought, hmm ..Maybe I will google it and see..it worked.

Unfortunately, she lives in another town, but we can text and talk...etc.

I very much miss being married and having a partner...we used to say " I got you babe" and he was a jokester and would always say " you lucky babe" and wink....I miss someone caring about the little and big things...just being there...my rock.

We don't know what we got til it's gone..huh? Sigh,,,

Thank you all for friendship and trust...and love. Rare jewels in our society...

All the best, Marie

 

 

[rdownes]

I think that this group is full of such amazing and caring people not to many people in this world who share their pain in order to try and comfort someone else, as far as friends I am fine without them at least for now most people would not understand the pain and to hard to explain, I was always to visit raising our seven kids and helping with grandbabies to really make true friends plus with Kevin's issues most people I tried to make friends with thought I should not stay if you have ever lived with someone who is bipolar and an addict you would understand how offensive that can be both were diseases not his fault so I built my life around Kevin and the kids. I can always talk to Kevin and look for my signs or look into my heart to know he hears me and my seven kids have enough drama to keep me going for a lifetime.

[mittam99]

Friendship is a very good thing, no doubt. We all need to feel like it's not just us against the world.

In my world though, it seems as though so many people have abandoned me since Tammy died. My mother in law, and other in-laws act as if I don't even exist.

I run an online forum community and have befriended many there over the years. A few of them do stay in touch and that's a blessing. I'm grateful.

It's so tough to live a life where it feels like you don't matter to anyone. A perfect example was today, I had a rough one at work. I so wanted to come home and vent about it with Tammy. But, I don't have that option anymore. I have have no one I can turn to for any sense of comfort. It's so damn hard, this life alone. We're living this brutally hard life without our beloved. Every challenge, every issue that happens is magnified in a negative way. We don't have that person that loves us and understands us to tells us everything will be OK (or as "OK" as this new life can be).  In effect, we're living a life that we never would have chosen to live. But here we are. We have no choice. It feels like we're a prisoner to our grief. 

So yes, it's very easy to just go through the motions. And it's very hard to feel motivated to move forward.

We all just want to go back in time and get our old lives and our old selves back. But it's a fantasy we can't fulfill.  

My Tammy truly was all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. She made me feel like I could do anything. That I was a superhero, her knight in shining armor. Alone I don't feel important in any way. Don't feel needed or loved. I just feel like a lost soul who can't find meaning in this new life. I wander aimlessly hoping that by some miracle I can figure things out. The only thing I know is that I love Tammy more than life itself. I miss her with every breath I take and with every beat of my shattered heart.

 

[Gin]

Oh Mitch.  I wish I could ease your pain.  I know how hard this life is.  That one special soulmate who could make everything feel Ok.  Without them, it is so hard to find meaning.  Nothing seems worth doing.  We just have to keep plodding on and hold each other up.  Hang in there.  You are cared about a lot here.

Gin

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are reading my mind Mitch.  Prisoners of our grief.

On Wednesday I went for a reiki treatment and then yesterday I saw my councellor for an hour.  I thought I was doing reasonably well until I faced up to the grief I have been hiding from myself.  

I didn't realize I was in such denial.

[rdownes]

Mitch my heart goes out to you truly it does and you are so right in everything that you say if it is any comfort you are needed and cared about deeply by us, you have brought so much hope to me in my darkest hours, we all feel your pain and you are not alone,  I know we are no substitute for Tammy no one is but we are here for you and you can always vent to us, I know we will find our way by holding them in our hearts they are right here with us I hope you find some comfort and peacefull days.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, mittam99 said:

It's so tough to live a life where it feels like you don't matter to anyone.

Oh how well I know that one!  I am so sorry you had a day like that yesterday and no Tammy to come home and share it with.  It helps to have that person that cares, even if they can't "fix" it.

Yesterday I came home to a puddle on my wood stove...new roof leaking and contractor is in prison.  It's so hard to get someone out for something like that, esp. on someone else's work.  Am going to town today to buy the hot silicone and rain patch and will pay a neighbor to do something to it.  I so wish I could climb ladders and get on the roof myself, I'd have it done already!  It feels so helpless to have to wait on others.  Of the roofers, no one has bothered to return my call.  I miss George, so much.  Even if nothing happens, I still miss him.  Still feeling it from our anniversary three days ago.

[KarenK]

Kay,

Picturing you on the roof reminds me of much younger days. This house had a swamp cooler instead of an air conditioning unit. After my ex and I split, I used to climb on the roof, remove the side of the cooler, and change the pads(those big straw things). I doubt I could make it up the ladder, much less onto the roof now. How times and our bodies change! Wish your son lived closer and could help.

[Margm]

On 10/21/2016 at 2:35 PM, rdownes said:

if you have ever lived with someone who is bipolar

Both of my kids were diagnosed with bipolar.  My son is an artist, and you will find that many of your most intelligent, creative people are bipolar.  I picked up any book I could find on this mental condition.  I even went to a bipolar psychiatrist because I knew the condition was believed to be inherited.  I am just a dull chronic depression person and both of my kids have gifts that I cannot claim as part of my genes, yet, they are inherited from my genes because I know my father was bipolar.  Back in his time, you did not go to the psychiatrist, it carried a stigma with it.  My mother was terrified of psychiatrists, with good reason.  Like I said, I read everything written about this condition.  My son does not take medication because it blankets his creativity.  He has tried them and they actually make him depressed.  His condition was rapid alternating.  My daughter has taken so many of the meds, I don't know what her's is.  Medications cause a myriad of problems, not sure about helping.  

Kay Redfield Jamison wrote and co-wrote books on this disorder and with my family's history, you know I followed her up until a few years ago.  When I was looking into the correct title she went under, I found out she had written another book that I just ordered for my Kindle.  It is Nothing Was the Same.  Actually, it is her account of grief after her husband's death.  I am anxious to get started on this one. I have read her so much, I feel I know her.

I laughed at some of her recounting of things she had done, that a bipolar will do.  My son got his first checkbook and wrote checks till he ran out of them.  Then, he could not have a checking account, which was good. The author mentions that she went in a drugstore in downtown New York City and because they were on sale, she bought out their supply of snake bite kits.  This is my daughter.  If it is on sale, if she has the immediate money, she will buy it without any need whatsoever of the item.  Luckily, she no longer has a bank account and uses the cards that you can load money onto.  Probably kept her out of jail.  Just some quirk in the brain.  

They ask in one of the books I read, if you knew your child had the bipolar gene before they were born would you abort it.  Most certainly not.  Bipolar people make up some of your highest regarded politicians. Look up a list of who's who for bipolar.  You will be surprised.  They are your most prolific writers of music, poetry, and books.  So many actors and actresses are bipolar.  My son enjoyed the manic episodes, they do give rise to being an addict also.  With my son, it is life or death.  He cannot drink or take drugs or he dies.  His liver is not in good condition.  His last exam (this week) was okay, but they have to monitor closely for liver cancer.  Either because of the drugs he took or because of the hep-C treatment. 

 

[rdownes]

My Kevin was so very smart he could fix anything, he always had an answer for everything he was my problem solver it was just the anger he would get so upset at something most people wouldn't bat an eye at but I just learned over the years to ignore it because it would pass and boy was he funny he had such a sense of humor and could be the most caring soul, he was not afraid to cry around me, then of course the addiction due to trying to escape him own brain, through it all I stood by him mental disease and all you don't abandon the people you love just because they are not what the world perceives as normal he was my heart and soul my life craziness and all .

[Margm]

My daughter is fast to anger.  My son is very slow to anger but really angry for awhile.  Billy used to, at first of marriage, get angry at me and not speak to me for days.  That was very frustrating.  You cannot imagine how ornery I got with the silent treatment.  If he ever told me to shut up, I would just think up junk to yell.  Don't tell a woman to shut up, ever.  Thank goodness he evolved.  He learned never to say shut up to me.      I wish he could tell me that again.

[WolfsKat]

[kayc]

Went to town and bought supplies for hopefully stopping the leak...and locked my keys in the car.  An hour later I was on my way.    I did get to have lunch with my daughter and SIL though so the day wasn't all bad!

Karen...wishing I could get on the roof, not dumb enough to try it.  That would probably land me in the hospital or worse!

[Gwenivere]

11 hours ago, KarenK said:

 This house had a swamp cooler instead of an air conditioning unit. After my ex and I split, I used to climb on the roof, remove the side of the cooler, and change the pads(those big straw things). I doubt I could make it up the ladder, much less onto the roof now. How times and our bodies change! 

Wow, Karen.  I hadn't thought about swamp coolers in forever!  Had them in NM where I grew up and they were far superior to AC.  Not that bone chilling cold.  I always found someone to get mine going and cover for the winter.  Even as a young person I hated going on the roof.  They work in so few places because of humidity.  

[iPraiseHim]

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Wow, Karen.  I hadn't thought about swamp coolers in forever!  Had them in NM where I grew up and they were far superior to AC.  Not that bone chilling cold.  I always found someone to get mine going and cover for the winter.  Even as a young person I hated going on the roof.  They work in so few places because of humidity.  

Growing up, we lived in the desert, Ridgecrest, CA for a few years.  I remember we had a water cooler and I was fascinated with how it worked.  I could hear the water pouring over the coils and the air was cool and moist but never cold.  it actually added humidity in the home. I had forgotten about that.  I was around twelve then.  I know live in a high humidity state where A/C is needed to reduce the humidity as well as the temperature. - A good childhood memory... thanks.

[Margm]

I loved visiting Billy's sister in Albuquerque.  The swamp coolers were so nice to sleep in their moisture, that you really could not feel as moisture in the desert dryness, just felt wonderful.  Living in the humid south, we have to have the AC that depletes moisture, but all we have to do is get outside if we want moisture.  Still like the swamp coolers feel sleeping the best.  

[Marie Lee]

So happy to know so many people that loved imperfect people perfectly.

Peace, Marie