mittam99 Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 None of us are living the life we really wanted. That life sadly died when our soul mate left this earth. This life alone is so different in so many ways. Things that gave us pleasure now are met with a shrug of the shoulder or a mutter of "whatever". It does seems as if our lives are on hold or we just are "going through the motions" most of the time. Sure, I go to work and I do my job well. I'm able to interact with people in an upbeat way and I am considered very good at what I do. I have my "fan club" at work, too. Then, I come home and I pretty much just hang around. I do what needs to be done. I keep up with the house. I groom myself. I eat. I watch TV. I write. But, I'm not really accomplishing all that much. Yes, in some ways I feel it's an accomplishment that I'm functioning at all. When Tammy died, I didn't know if I could go on and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to. So yes, I'm doing better emotionally than I was 18 months ago. I'm living my life to the best of my ability. But am I? I find myself putting things off more than ever and part of me feels like I've "earned" that right. But there are times I look at the clock and wonder if I'm wasting what's left of my life away. And that's the conundrum of this life. Tammy died on March 6, 2015 and it will be 2017 before you know it. And I have the feeling in 2020 I'll still be talking about just going through the motions. I still long for my old life back. I generally avoid social situations these days beyond work obligations and some family events. I've turned down a few offers from some of the ladies at work to go out to eat. A friend of my sisters has been trying to hook me up on a blind date but that's not something I'm ready for. So, here I am at home typing this up and wondering if this is how life will always be. I still feel married to Tammy. Still madly in love with her. And always will be. I guess I just don't know how to live a meaningful life alone right now. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Mitch I think you will be still just as much in love with Tammy years from now. I just sense that about you. But you have plenty of time to figure it out. It comes slowly I'm sorry to say but it comes just the same. As we move along down this path I think our love keeps us going when things are at their darkest. That my friend is the only way we can eventually figure out how to find meaning and purpose. Perhaps somewhere along the way Tammy will put an idea into your thoughts or dreams and when you least expect it, something will make sense. Food for thought: I began early on my journey to force myself to socialize more. Kathy and I did that so seldom. We were selfish with our free time and didn't feel like sharing it with others. As I was alone with very few friends I started seeing things from a different perspective. I began going out for dinner and drinks with other widowed friends and all of them were women. I just didn't know any men who lost their wives as I had. I had a good customer try to set me up too but that just wasn't my style. I laugh now when I remember that party I was invited to that turned out to be a set up with a female friend of the host who had lost her husband years earlier. I was wearing Kathy's wedding ring around my neck at the time and spoke about Kathy and how I was married for all of time. When I finally wigged her out she moved on. But now I go out and have a nice time and don't even think about gender. My life has no room for agenda but I can still get out of the house. It's not an easy thing to accomplish but it can be done. I started by going out alone and still do sometimes. I have grown comfortable with myself and we are no longer fighting. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 17, 2016 Report Share Posted October 17, 2016 Oh Mitch, my heart breaks for you because I know exactly how it feels. And yes, that is pretty much how it is now, it takes so long to adjust to this new life and even longer yet to find any meaning or purpose in it, and it's never the same as it once was. I try to find joy where I can, and try not to compare it to the big joy I had when George was alive. One day at a time... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost in Grief Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 3 hours ago, mittam99 said: This life alone is so different in so many ways. Things that gave us pleasure now are met with a shrug of the shoulder or a mutter of "whatever". How true! I have lost interest in so many things. Things that brought joy to me, no longer do. Life itself seems meaningless, sure I do things that need to be done but I do not derive any pleasure from that, except I am glad I managed to do them. I have learned a lot that I didn't know before because I had to, so I am thankful for that. But nothing can stop me from missing my love. It is so permanent and I find it hard to accept that. I just want him back period. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Dear Lost, I know how you feel. Nothing seems to matter anymore. All the things we used to do and I do not want to do any of them anymore without him. Went to doctor today. He had an intern going around with him. He asked all these questions...do you live alone? Kids near by? Yes, I live alone and he kids do not come often. What do you do all day? Not much. It is a hard road and all we can do is try. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 Mitch your post brings tears to my eyes especially because of the darkness I feel I have fallen into yes our lives will never be the same but we can find our way they would not want us to waste a precious moment of our lives because I believe they know just what a blessing another day granted is even without them, they loved us in life and I know they love us in death your life does have meaning you were and always will be loved by an amazing woman who you will see again and this time it will be forever. You are a very caring person do not be hard on yourself we all can make it through with their love, you see for me as long as I have Kevin's love everything else will fall into place in its own time a big cyber HUG to you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 20 hours ago, KATPILOT said: I was wearing Kathy's wedding ring around my neck at the time and spoke about Kathy and how I was married for all of time. I am still wearing my wedding ring on my left ring finger with Deedo's wedding ring on the pinkie finger next to it. Think that sends any mixed messages? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 I think the message is perfectly clear, Brad. I tried wearing Steves ring, but it is too uncomfortable because it its design. My wedding ring is never coming off tho, ever. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 22 hours ago, mittam99 said: None of us are living the life we really wanted. That life sadly died when our soul mate left this earth. This life alone is so different in so many ways. Things that gave us pleasure now are met with a shrug of the shoulder or a mutter of "whatever". It does seems as if our lives are on hold or we just are "going through the motions" most of the time. I do what needs to be done. I keep up with the house. I groom myself. I eat. I watch TV. I write. But, I'm not really accomplishing all that much. Yes, in some ways I feel it's an accomplishment that I'm functioning at all. I find myself putting things off more than ever and part of me feels like I've "earned" that right. But there are times I look at the clock and wonder if I'm wasting what's left of my life away. And that's the conundrum of this life. I still long for my old life back. I generally avoid social situations these days beyond work obligations and some family events. I've turned down a few offers from some of the ladies at work to go out to eat. A friend of my sisters has been trying to hook me up on a blind date but that's not something I'm ready for. So, here I am at home typing this up and wondering if this is how life will always be. I still feel married to Tammy. Still madly in love with her. And always will be. I guess I just don't know how to live a meaningful life alone right now. Mitch - yes, this is how I feel too. I keep hoping that some day it will feel different and life might have some meaning, so I guess we should just keep trying and maybe it will get there someday. Brad and Gwen, the hospital had to cut Dale's wedding ring off him, so I had it sized for me and put back together and I wear it on my ring finger next to mine and I don't care what message that sends to people. I'm married and always will be. Joyce 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted October 18, 2016 Report Share Posted October 18, 2016 I wear my wedding ring, also. Do not ever plan to take it off. Today at the health club, a woman I do not see often asked where my husband was. I guess these triggers are always going to be there. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 My wedding band was causing callouses because it's so wide so I spent $275 to have it resized so I could continue to wear it. Then I lost weight so had to switch it to my right hand, I can wear it on the left but it's a little loose. I don't care what other people think, it's a personal decision and I find comfort wearing it so I do. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 I was wearing my wedding ring every day at work until the day I went home and it wasn't on my finger. I've lost a lot of weight since Tammy died and it was very loose. In a panicked state, I drove back to work in hopes of finding it and luckily a co-worker had found it and put it in the safe. For obvious reasons, I no longer wear it at work. I keep it on my nightstand at home. Fact is, whether I wear it or not I feel married to my sweet angel Tammy. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 I am, and always will be, Deedo's husband. She is the love of my life. What I want, and seriously doubt I will find, is someone I can travel with, hike with, dine with, converse with but someone who can accept me for how I am and for who I am. I don't like an empty house. I don't like traveling alone as much as I like sharing experiences. Currently I am planning a European trip to return Deedo to some of the places she loved there. I know I'll love the travels but hate the aching loneliness. Back in my twenties I spent several months living alone on the rim of the Grand Mesa in Colorado. The vistas were amazing as I could see the Colorado River valley stretching past Moab, Utah. I would sit on an outcropping, watching the sun retreating, lost in the splendor and yet aching for someone, anyone, to share those moments with. I really doubt I will remarry although I've learned never to say never, but I would like a travel buddy, a dinner buddy, a hiking buddy, a conversation buddy. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 I know Kevin will always be my husband until my last breath, some people are able to open up there hearts and find love againand that is fine your heart is capable of loving more than one person but for me Kevin is and was my soulmate he will always be my one and only forever love. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.” I just love this Brad. Robin I wonder if Kevin can't still be your husband even after your last breath. I guess you'll find out one day but I'm betting he'll be waiting and will have a thousand things to tell you. See Marty? Like Queen Noor said, I think it works the other way too. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 I truly hope so Steve it would make all this pain worth while. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 This I know, we will find each other and be together again. All of you hold on to that, because it's the one thing I'm very sure of. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 None of us are living the life we really want...Exactly. I wonder aimlessly and think of doing things and maybe I will, one day... hugs and prayers for comfort and peace. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 My experience is that slowly life is adjusting, not to the life I want but to a life I can accept. I do find glimpses of joy and for that I am grateful. I still structure in my morning times to remember Deedo and have a cry but then I also try to balance that out with my evening gratitude reflection where I find things daily I am grateful for. It's my alpha and omega; my yin and yang. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted October 20, 2016 Report Share Posted October 20, 2016 Brad, I too, think it would be nice to have a companion to enjoy things with. I'm not in a position financially to travel, but it would be nice to just have someone to talk with, take a walk with, etc. Someone who would confirm that I am still alive and that I still matter. In a way, it is frightening though. Wondering if someone would accept you for who you are. I guess we just took that for granted those many years. I used to be very outgoing, but have become quieter over the years. Suppose I am still a bit rough around the edges. LOL It is hard to learn to make friends again. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted October 21, 2016 Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 I couldn't agree with you more, Karen. I get advised a lot to make new friends. I don't know where I am supposed to find these friends mor been able to find a place that specializes in supplying them if needed. I'm at an age where people are pretty settled into their lives, families and outside companions. I was never much for needing a lot of people and many fell away as activities I once did also like the dog park. Lost touch with a lot of people I saw for casual chats and strolls. I'm also not a 'let's do lunch or dinner' person. It's more loss piled on top of losing Steve. The house often had musicians here and that was fun to interact with them. Now that he is gone it is tremendously quiet and lonely. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted October 21, 2016 Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 I understand you, Mitch. And all what has been posted here. I miss everything. But I miss our conversations so bad. I try to have a conversation with him in my mind but it feels very empty. If I say it loud it feels emptier. about being with someone else, which to me implies falling in love, is about my fear to be hurt and heartbroken again in any slightly way. I surely cannot face any more of it and I don't want to put myself in any situation that this could be the outcome. Sad is, I get to know the worst pain I could feel, the other sideof love. my question is: how can I trust again? It is what it is....a very complex issue. Another one! I wish that I can have a very good friend closer, for instance. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 21, 2016 Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 21 hours ago, Brad said: My experience is that slowly life is adjusting, not to the life I want but to a life I can accept. I do find glimpses of joy and for that I am grateful. Me too, Brad. Today I am invited to a coloring party with some ladies from my church. I went to one a while back and it was enjoyable to hear their chatter and be included. It's a small joy, but I'm grateful for it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 21, 2016 Report Share Posted October 21, 2016 20 hours ago, KarenK said: It is hard to learn to make friends again. Karen, I used to have so many friends! Or so I thought. I, too, find my life too alone and wish for more friends...not for anything more, but friends would be nice, I don't care if male or female. We all need someone to talk to or do things with. It IS hard to make new friends, takes a lot of effort, sometimes I think more than I have in me. Maybe I'm just not good at it, some people seem to have the art of making friends...and then there's me. I guess I'm a slow brew... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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