Living in a world without love

[kevin]

This is almost haunting......Ian Tyson sums it up.....

Lovin's really living
Life, you ain't living boy
You're just getting up each day
And walking around
Your world is crying now my friend
But give it Love
And it will mend
And, teach you All
The music to the Lovin Sound
Oh, the Lovin Sound

[Cookie]

On ‎02‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 2:31 PM, mittam99 said:

Most regular readers here know that my wife Tammy was my world. When she came into my life, everything changed. I went from longtime bachelor to an instant family man as Tammy's daughter Katie became my daughter too. And I knew Tammy was perfect for me the second we touched each other. Sometimes when it's just right, you know it.

I met Tammy online in 1999. She was funny and seemed so sweet, but I didn't expect it to go beyond "online friends". She was a lifelong Illinois resident along with her entire family and I was in Maryland all my life. Fact was, I had many online female friends but it never went beyond that. I never even talked to them on the phone. Then Tammy asked me if she could call. I've never said yes before but something (that little voice in my head) said, "go for it". And so began our amazing love affair.

After a few months of having long distance marathon phone chats, we decided to meet in person. We definitely were falling in love with each other. I'll never forget seeing her in person for the first time at the airport here. We sat down for a bit and I held her hand for the first time. It was magical. I looked into her eyes at that moment and said "Tammy I really love you". It wasn't just words. We had a wonderful 5 days together and when I had to take her back to the airport, I put on a big smile and a brave face but inside it hurt. I didn't want her to leave.

I sat in my car at the airport alone, and sobbed uncontrollably. It was then I knew that I wanted Tammy in my life forever.

Less than 7 months later the moving van came from Illinois with Tammy and Katie's stuff and Tammy and Katie were in Maryland with me. It was certainly a big change from the life of a bachelor, but I loved it. To Katie, I was "Sweet Daddy Sunshine" (her nickname for me) and I was Tammy's "Mitchie Pooh".

Some of my family members thought I was moving too fast having Tammy and Katie move in with me. Some were concerned about Tammy's many serious health issues. But, like I told them, none of that mattered to me. I love Tammy and that's all that matters.

Over the next 15+ years, Tammy and I lived a life filled with love. And it was that love that also got us through the incredible amount of life threatening medical traumas that we went through. Tammy was, without question, the most courageous woman I've ever known.

After another life and death medical ordeal and a long hospital/rehab stay, Tammy came home on a stormy night. It was Wednesday, March 4th, 2015. As they put her in the ambulance to drive her home, I remember thinking how beautiful Tammy looked (she was wearing a coat I hadn't seen her wear before) even though she had just been through so much. Less than 2 days later, traumatically, tragically, unexpectedly, Tammy was rushed by ambulance to the hospital again. She was gone before she arrived there. My wife... my life... had died and my world crashed down hard. So hard I didn't think I could survive. 

Yet here it is, nearly 23 months later and I'm here. Two years older (although I feel like I've aged 10 years). I'm working, functioning... I'm surviving. And that's the hard part. This new life, this new existence is not what was supposed to be. Me and Tammy were supposed to grow old together. It wasn't supposed to end like this.

I've survived largely by trying my best to honor Tammy. To live in this world feeling like we will be together again someday. To cherish the life we had and to always remember that few had a love affair like we had. It was truly once in a lifetime. And I was blessed that Tammy came into my life and chose me as her husband. But, it will always hurt. It will always be a life filled with the what if's and could've beens.

And now, I wonder how my life will be moving forward, in time. My life with Tammy and the love we shared was the best part of my life. Now alone, it's pretty much deja vu and rinse, wash, repeat daily. Drudgery. It's a life (an existence) but it's devoid of any real joy and certainly a life without love. And the thing is, us humans all need love. Yet I know that this is my life. I could never imagine myself being with someone else.

I live my life with Tammy's love in my heart. That will never leave. But I miss her touch, her smile, her smell... the taste of her sweet lips.

This new world is a shell of what I had. It's a cold, lonely, empty place. I just wish I could close my eyes and wake up to the life I loved.

A life with Tammy by my side. A life filled with love and intimacy.

Mitch

Mitch:  That was beautiful and moving....thanks for sharing...it spoke to me.....take care, Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎02‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 8:04 PM, Gin said:

I do not know if I am honoring Al.  I want to, but really do not know how.  I love him and always will, but do not know if I am honoring him.

I feel like that too, Gin.  Wonder sometimes if I'm honoring John.  So much of my life up to now since he left is consumed with pain....feel for you, Cookie

[Margm]

Last Valentine's day I bought Billy a Valentine, a soul felt love Valentine and where it had present tense I marked through and put past tense.  I sat it beside his urn.  I reread it the other day.  I won't do that this year, but I will still sign his name on the two for the kids, the one for my sister, and the one for my granddaughter..

My granddaughter and I will eat at Olive Garden's after her going to the counselor in the "big city."  They fix me a salad there.  They fix me bread cubes with the dressing on top.  Last time we went the girl remembered us and brought me the bread cubes without me asking.  

Billy and I never "celebrated" dates, but we always bought cards.  

I am looking out my window at a gray sky, it is raining off and on but strangely, I am not depressed any more than my usual.  I hope you all have a tolerable Valentine's day.

[KarenK]

There is no Valentine's Day anymore. It went "poof" four years ago. It is just February 14. I will grab a few things waiting for me at the library, pick up a few groceries, get a haircut, and some Chinese take-out, and come home once again to my lonely house.

I am having a lousy, sad week. Keep having recurring visions of my daughter's last days as she clung to me in absolute panic struggling to get a breath and the helplessness I felt. I would gladly have given her mine. As an old supervisor of mine once quoted "This too shall pass". I certainly hope so. I've no one to talk to except all of you here.

Hope all here have special memories of your valentine.

[Margm]

Karen, this is how big a coward I am.  I quit going to GriefShare because it was mostly about lost adult children.  I could not do it and you have my heart.  I am so sorry.  It is something no parent should have to go through and my kids both will be on the road a thousand miles from home soon and I will have my granddaughter.  My sister is here out in the country also.  The grown kids are the ones who made Billy and me stay in one place, no traveling, so now they do what we couldn't do.

[KarenK]

Thanks Marg,

I know this is the wrong section to post this kind of grief, but my grief just runs all together. You are definitely not a coward. I went through the whole GriefShare program. It did nothing to lessen my pain. It was a very small group and only two of us had lost children. I was the only one who had lost a husband and a child, something few people can fathom, but we all grieved for someone. They all had faith. I did not and never will.

I'm so glad you have your granddaughter. I am an only child, so no siblings to lean on. My grandson has been at his dad's for a couple of months. No particular reason, but he has better gaming systems there, I guess.  LOL  Damn, I miss that kid!

Off to my exciting afternoon now.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, KarenK said:

I know this is the wrong section to post this kind of grief,

I think any section is a place to pronounce our grief.  None of us own sections.  Etiquette might say to do something else, but etiquette and me don't read the same books.  (or is that I?)  Anyhow, I don't even know what this section is, but my friend Karen wrote on it, so I will answer.  Not gonna get ourselves in knots over the minor things.  Plenty of other things to think about.  You handle yourself very well Karen, I admire you.

Addendum:  Okay, that book I wrote below was not enough, gotta write more.  Went back and read some posts.  This grandson staying with your son, is this the son that was hurt and in the hospital or am I getting this mixed up?  If it was, maybe he is helping take care of him.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Off to my exciting afternoon now.

 Actually Karen, you have more planned than I could handle today.   I've been very ill for 2 weeks and it really makes it tough to just do dome minor things to kill time time before that coming home to dark loneliness.  I tried doing a couple of things, but I just don't care.  Seeing my counselor and then home.  Doesn't exactly take my mind off things but I do get to have a good cry if needed.  I'm not trying to be flippant, but I miss having the energy to at least step back from this for a little bit.  Not that it leaves my mind ever.  Sometimes I get  so tired of thinking and feeling it I wish I could go comatose for awhile.  

One thing I noticed I am finding it hard to cry again.  I need to and feel it, but something is in the way.  I find myself staring off into space unable to muster any energy for even the simplest things.

i used to do better at night, but now I am so beaten down by it's endless hours of how drastically things have changed how I hate it.

i haven't done real life support groups either (and taken flack for it from people that think I should but have no eexperience with this).  I always l left depressed when I went when my mother died.  This is infinitely more impacting and the thought of sitting with others hearing thier pain I do not want to do.  Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want to spend more time in that kind of energy field in person, too draining.  Plius, I have nothing to give.  

[Margm]

Gwen, you know I am not for or against medications (except I cannot take some because of my "innards.").  I found when I was on some antidepressants I could not cry.  Of course, I have not/cannot be on any right now or since Billy left.  

And I hope you get to feeling better soon.  

[martha jane]

I went out to eat with a friend from high school who reunited with me at my husbands funeral. She invited me to eat with her and her friend every Tuesday. I enjoy it and try not to dwell on my grief.  But as soon as I started home everything came rushing back and I knew there was noone waiting on me but my Cat. I couldn't keep from crying and have been all afternoon. I found that I could go on you tube and make a list of music videos they have posted and they will play through my TV. And that made me cry because of the songs i played. I keep thinking about the last day he was home. He sat at the breakfast table for the last time. He sat in his usual place on the couch for the last time. He worked his last word search puzzle and walked down the hall to the bed because he started hurting. The ambulance drivers lifed him off the bed for the last time and he was taken out the front door for the last time. And the last times go on and on and I had no idea.  No idea at all that he wouldn't be coming home. He had gone to the hospital much sicker before and came home. I had no idea.

[Margm]

Martha Jane, I have not read anything above where you wrote and the things I do are not for everyone.  Like his clothes, instead of getting rid of all his, I got rid of all mine, did not get anything elaborate, just comfortable, was not going for looks, I usually sleep in what I wear the next day, Tee shirts and pants that are loose, do not wrinkle, have pockets and stretch waist.  Keep phone in right pocket, deep pockets (kids call it the grand canyon) and my keys in my left pocket.  At night I put them on side table, next morning put them in pockets first thing.  Keep my glasses on the printer.  I do not change places or I will panic.

When I came home to that house that he filled with just his presence and even though I had family off and on/mostly on, all the time.  That house echoed him.  The big window where we fed the birds (and squirrels), occasional chipmunks, and the hawks, well, I took my red broom and went yelling down the hill to run off all the hawks.  One time one grabbed a bird off the feeder, hit the window, stunned it and it lay there and never let go the bird and flew off.  I stopped feeding them for awhile after that.  But, Billy was on my right side when I was on the computer and his presence was not there.  It was not in the bed, even though the large king bed, I could reach over and feel he was there.  I kept trying to do that and told myself "no, your gone and never coming back."  My friend who had lost her husband a few months before told me never to do that again.  To reach over, as if he was still there, and tell him that he would always be beside me no matter if his body was not.  It took a few months, even after I moved, to quit reaching for him, and woke myself up the other night calling Billy.  He did not answer.  

I left that house as fast as I could.  I gave things away, all they had to do was come pick them up, and I have not been back at that house in about a year.  Some people wanted to lease it to buy and signed papers for three years saying they will do all repairs, etc.  So far they have been good for it and the house note is paid on the first of every month.  FHA rules or something, they will be able to buy it in three years.  I did not want anything for it but to get out of it.  Billy would never live in an apartment.  The house was situated in a paradise, probably the safest place in Arkansas, circle drive, deputy lived at beginning of street.

I changed dishes, I had already changed trucks with my son so he could live in the RV.  Finally traded the long bed truck for a short tail little clown car, Ferris Beuller Yaris Toyota.

I came back to our old home town where we grew up,graduated, married, kids born, they graduated, and we worked 80 years between us.  He is not here either.  I cannot even feel the essence of him or our life together, but I still like it better than where he left me.  I have family and friends all around me and they want me to go out and I have gone some but I keep my teenage granddaughter right now and until she gets through with all her schooling, as long as I live, I am right here.  I used to talk to him constantly.  I still talk to him but not nearly as much.  I talk to him at night, I say my prayers and talk to Jesus until he hands the phone to Billy and then I talk to him.  

Okay, another word salad.  In three days it will be 18 months.  I look at Heaven and fuss at him ever so often.  I have to go about 15-20 miles up the road and visit a cousin of mine who lost her husband in the last two weeks.  She is in a wheelchair and having a rough time.  This is not an easy path we are on and it does not get any smoother, and I still cry, lots of times, but I'm not climbing as many hills as I first was climbing.  As soon as I get my Mama's final affairs taken care of, maybe the path will be smoother.  It's not easy, none of it, but like I repeat over and over, Rose Kennedy said time did not heal the wounds but we develop scar tissue.  The wounds still hurt.  

[KarenK]

Gwen,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so ill. Grief and illness seem to go hand in hand and each one makes the other worse.

Got my errands done. Was playing a Tanya Tucker cd in the truck. The last song that played as I pulled into the driveway was "Without You, What Do I Do With Me". I wanted to post it for all of us here,but don't know exactly how. Maybe someone more knowledgeable can put it on here for me. I just sat in silence. It says it all.

Martha,

I'm glad you have friends to enjoy a meal with. Coming home to an empty house is one of the worst feelings for us all. It is so hard knowing they will never be there again

[Gin]

Marge, when did your Billy leave this earth?  I thought it was in October, near Al.  You mentioned 18 months.  I guess I was wrong again.

[Margm]

Gin, he left somewhere around 7:30 a.m. on October 17, 2015.  So, in three days it will be 16 months.  Damn, I'm not as far along as I thought.  Well, I hate counting the time and I am not gonna think about that cause we have NCIS, NCIS-NO, and Chicago Fire on tonight, then bed.  I think I might have said 18 months in one of my diatribes up above.  I'll worry about that tomorrow.  Gonna watch some TV now.  Took my granddaughter to doctor this morning.  She has hypothyroidism and sometimes it makes her periods not right on time and she has backaches and headaches that Mamol is supposed to know how to fix.  They were all gone by the time we got to the door and she almost made me break the appointment.  I wanted to talk this out with her doc though so that I will feel better about it.  And, my giving her Tylenol is okay when this happens, and it is normal.  But, my daughter is moving to Kansas (to find the Wizard of Oz, I think), and I needed to make sure she had a year's supply of her thyroid medicine at Walgreens.  Her levels were just drawn and lab work is okay.  It's hard being a mama sometimes at my age.  She's a sweet, beautiful little girl that is about 5 or 6 inches taller than her Mamol.  

[scba]

Lyrics

Without You) What Do I Do with Me"

 

What do I do, 

Now that I'm on my own? 

What we did together 

Beats anything I've done alone. 

Since the day that you left, 

I've been asking myself, 

Is this how it's gonna be? 

Without you, 

What do I do with me?

 

I don't want to go out, 

But I just can't stay home. 

I don't need company, 

But I sure don't want to be alone. 

And to tell myself that I'm doin' well, 

Is only makin' believe, 

Without you, 

What do I do with me?

 

Without you, 

Where do I go? 

Where do I turn? 

I'd sure like to know. 

What do I do, 

With all of our plans? 

And how do I spend 

All this time on my hands?

 

I've tried everything, 

I've been rackin' my brain. 

It must be as bad as it seems. 

Without you, 

What do I do with me? 

 

Without you, 

What do I do with me?

 

 

Edited February 15, 2017 by MartyT
Video embedded

[scba]

I had a horrible day dealing with unprofessional people at work and unable to utter a word about that (I'm just an intern). I went to the movies with a friend. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

i haven't done real life support groups either (and taken flack for it from people that think I should but have no eexperience with this).  I always l left depressed when I went when my mother died.

They aren't for everyone.  I'm leading a grief support group and not even sure how I feel about that.  It's very different than being here.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

t's very different than being here.

For one thing a group is not there for you 24/7, this forum is.  I fought with myself about going back to GriefShare.  I still get the little "talks" each night on my email and I save them.  I will read them.  I don't know what to say to my cousin who just lost her husband, but I feel led to go see her.  She and her husband were both my cousins, on different sides of the family.  Like my grandmother getting married at 15, so did my cousin and her husband was 15 years older.  What kind of wisdom can I tell her?  The path stays rocky but the hills keep getting smaller?  She has been in a wheelchair for nearly 10 years.  She is a year older than me.  Norma, my neighbor, is in heart rehab.  I watch the world go by my front window when I am on the computer.  They had to put Norma's Alzheimer's father in the VA Home.  Her sister just lost her husband.  Just got Norma's husband out of the hospital with blood clots.  Poor little Norma, she was always carrying in groceries, taking a big wash to the washateria, constantly in motion, until her heart attack.  Her husband is a big man, big boned, not really fat.  Someone was heard to mention that now he would have to help.  I miss Billy's help.  He shared in all housekeeping.  I am a terrible housekeeper.  We would get it clean and I will forever hear him say "Now lets keep it this way."  We wouldn't.  

I was going back to GriefShare but the leader called me and perhaps I heard her wrong (nah, I am pretty perceptive), but I got a sanctimonious pitch to her speech to me.  Maybe I have been a Baptist too long.  And Kay, you and my best friends are Baptists too, (and I guess so am I, but I want to change), so I am sorry to step on toes.  

I walked out of night service one time when the youth minister was speaking.  He was probably about 30 at the time and I did not know of his relationship with my underage daughter at the time.  But, he was talking about the Mormons and the Jews not going to Heaven.  I know, I know, going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than sitting in a garage makes you an automobile.  I was very irreverent sitting in the inside of a bench of people and taking my purse and walking out the door in the middle of his sermon.  I did not go back. He is no longer a preacher/pastor/leader of men, or little girls.

[mittam99]

Valentine's Day. A day to celebrate love and adoration. A once a year moment for two people to honor their connection in a special way.

Flowers, cards, candy, an amazing meal. Maybe a night of passion.

 

My Valentine's Day 2017...

A day of sadness, loneliness and longing for the life I had. Another meaningless and unfulfilling day in this new life without my special angel Tammy. 

I'm here and my valentine isn't. It's a pain that's almost too much to bear at times.

[Gin]

Yes, Mitch.  Horrible, isn't. It?   What do you say when people wish you a Happy Valentin's Day?  I told a few that "it will be better for you than me".

[brat#2]

Mitch - the ache and pain is horrible, sorry you are in such pain right now.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Marie Lee]

Karen...I loved the Tanya Tucker song...it does fit..Tks and hugs.

[kayc]

On 2/15/2017 at 6:03 AM, Marg M said:

For one thing a group is not there for you 24/7, this forum is.

I meant more from the perspective of trying to be there for someone else, but that is true also.  Still, the ones that are there seem to get something out of it in that they can voice themselves in a safe place and know they are heard.  I'm picking a "topic" to start out with but anyone can bring up anything they want to.  It's just being there for each other.

[Margm]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

 Still, the ones that are there seem to get something out of it

Kay, they could have no better "teacher" than you.  We all know I am a bit off center.  Things that work for other people do not work for me, they seem to make me worse.  You are working with women who need you, and again, they could have no better program director than you.