The club no one wants to join

[kayc]

FB is just a tool, not inherently good or bad, like anything it can be used for either, much of it depends upon what kind of friends you have and exposure accordingly.  Just like t.v., internet, computer, it all depends on what you use it for and what you expose yourself to.  Sometimes people like to take a break from it.  

[Margm]

On 11/28/2021 at 9:17 PM, KarenK said:

Whether it's 1 or 20, the loneliness is the same.

And motivation is just a word.  Yesterday I went to sleep in the recliner and in REM sleep, my face was against his shoulder and his beige Tee-shirt, as if it was yesterday, I could even smell his shirt.  I guess they never leave, except they are not here.  I think it gets lonelier every day.  I have people around, but I feel so unnecessary.  

[Widow2015]

14 minutes ago, Marg M said:

And motivation is just a word.  Yesterday I went to sleep in the recliner and in REM sleep, my face was against his shoulder and his beige Tee-shirt, as if it was yesterday, I could even smell his shirt.  I guess they never leave, except they are not here.  I think it gets lonelier every day.  I have people around, but I feel so unnecessary.  

Marge:  Your explanation of the vivid moment of Billy being physically with you sounds amazing.   I envy such a moment of a memory except the realization of reality would be painful.  Each morning when I awake it takes me a few minutes to realize what will motivate me to face each lonely day.  I so understand feeling unnecessary.  That daily motivation determines what I accomplish or don't accomplish.  Dee

[nashreed]

It does get lonelier every day. 

I bought some of Annette's favorite perfume to spray around when I'm really, really down. It brings momentary comfort. I feel completely unmotivated to do anything. What is there to do? I'm stuck here. I wasn't able to stay in our house, in our town. Where I am used to be our town, where we met, but it's turned into a cruel, mocking shell of the town we grew up in- full of homeless people and shuttered businesses. 

[Gwenivere]

2 minutes ago, Widow2015 said:

Each morning when I awake it takes me a few minutes to realize what will motivate me to face each lonely day.  I so understand feeling unnecessary.  That daily motivation determines what I accomplish or don't accomplish. 

I’m having more and more days waking to the loneliness and definitely lack of motivation.  This is severe depression with an overly compromised body. I don’t see what purpose I could possibly have anymore.  I’m feeling so down I cancelled counseling.  I don’t know what to say anymore.  It’s not really counseling, it’s talking about feeling bad without solution.  I so want to feel a part of something.  I try and talk with people and the suggestions I immediately blow off because I know they can’t feel this and how devastating it is.  This is on me, not willing to settle for permanent changes.  I’m trapped in an impossible desire.  Steve and Mel here at home.  It’s the reality that I can’t accept and without doing that, I want it to end for good.  I feel weaker than so many of you that keep going.  The only thing I actually want is to go to sleep and never wake up. 

[Margm]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m having more and more days waking to the loneliness and definitely lack of motivation.  This is severe depression with an overly compromised body. I don’t see what purpose I could possibly have anymore.

I think I usually wake up and think, "maybe another few minutes" and one time I woke up four hours later.  It is like we wake up and say "what now."  I've even fell back on personal care.  I'm not hungry, but you can gain weight on a couple of Ensure a day if you don't burn the calories off.  I very seldom wake up with stomach cramps, but that new med (quit taking) made my bathroom visits more often.  I lay in bed seeing my body, but it was like seeing another one inside that better move.  I did.  Yesterday I "went" so many times I was so weak and my sister was going to fix soup for me but I didn't want to see anyone.  I opened a can and ate it.  I guess it helped.  I knew to drink my vitamin water, replenish fluids.  I had a working body until I added more meds and then it was more loss of a control that has taken me eight years to obtain/teach.  But, I'm not in the sort of pain you and Kay are in.  Not yet.  I am at a loss for any motivation.  Okay, my problem.  I don't hurt any more than I have for eight years and I'm used to that.  I use up a container of "Tucks" in less than a month.  I don't have hemorrhoids, I think the radiation burned the guts away.  Bladder still works.  I did sneeze 10 times after shaking out some Tony Charchari (Louisiana seasoning), and glad I wear a pad all the time.  TMI.  I'll quit.   

[V. R.]

Gwen, my heart really goes out to you. I wish I could do something to help you. I can imagine how tough it must be for you, not being able to go home yet. When you talk about the reality you can't accept, well, I've come to the conclusion recently, that I've somehow mentally 'switched off' to the real world that's going on in front of me, I'm just a spectator and not an actual part of it. I get angry at time passing by, I don't want it to pass, I want time to stand still. 

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Your explanation of the vivid moment of Billy being physically with you sounds amazing. 

This is a weird thing that only happens in the recliner if I fall asleep, or almost fall asleep.  I thought it was special, especially the time he reached down and kissed me on the forehead (right after he left).  Then one time I "dreamed" of Brianna sitting in her chair.  She had gone to live with her mom by that time.  So, I just knew it was REM sleep dreams.  For awhile I was scared to let myself go to sleep in the recliner, I dreamed of him a couple of more times.  I know it is not deep sleep dreams, so I'm sure there is a good explanation, but now I feel more comfortable if it happens.  It is definitely REM sleep and I can bring myself out fast.  

[Widow2015]

25 minutes ago, Marg M said:

I did sneeze 10 times after shaking out some Tony Charchari (Louisiana seasoning), and glad I wear a pad all the time.  TMI.  I'll quit.   

Marg: Yep, Tony C. will do it every time.  🤣 Dee

[Widow2015]

9 minutes ago, Marg M said:

This is a weird thing that only happens in the recliner if I fall asleep, or almost fall asleep.  I thought it was special, especially the time he reached down and kissed me on the forehead (right after he left).  Then one time I "dreamed" of Brianna sitting in her chair.  She had gone to live with her mom by that time.  So, I just knew it was REM sleep dreams.  For awhile I was scared to let myself go to sleep in the recliner, I dreamed of him a couple of more times.  I know it is not deep sleep dreams, so I'm sure there is a good explanation, but now I feel more comfortable if it happens.  It is definitely REM sleep and I can bring myself out fast.  

What beautiful dreams.  Like I said, I envy your ability to have such dreams.  If I do dream of my Bob I don't remember it.  I do take a sleep aide that helps me sleep soundly so I might be dreaming and don't recall.  I do talk to him a lot and keep asking him to please come get me; I don't like being here without him.   In the meantime I just have to be patient.   Dee

[Kieron]

Not to change the subject too much, but I've been confronted with the reality that I will have to have the windows replaced in this old house.  Too many of them are showing signs of wearing out.  I cleaned a few of them during a warm spell, and one came off the tracks, so I had to figure out how to get it back on.  I know what company I will go with, but looking at all the options sent me down for the count... I don't know how to do this by myself.  I hate making decisions like this because I always worry I am missing something or making a bad choice that I will regret later.  😥

[scba]

Dear Kieron, allow me to suggest you to look at one option at a time and don't overwhelm yourself in  making a decision right away. Ponder one aspect a day and write down your conclusions on that aspect. In a couple of days you will be able to make a choice. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

I guess they never leave, except they are not here.

Sometimes I like to remember his holding me...gosh that is long term memory now, hard to believe June 19th it'll be 17 years.  How did I survive that long?  23 to go.  I don't like to think about that...back to today, Kay.  Do today.

9 hours ago, Kieron said:

I hate making decisions like this because I always worry I am missing something or making a bad choice that I will regret later. 

I've had to make all my decisions on my own all these years, I used to talk with my son but he's hard to reach in recent years, always so busy.  When he was in the service or in college he made more time, and he was super busy then!  I need new windows, new flooring, back of garage replaced badly, I'll be lucky to get the garage done before it collapses on my vehicles.  The price of lumber went sky high as soon as I got my bid so it's not valid anymore, can't afford it.  I feel like I got the roof on it for nothing, wish I'd opted to have it done then instead.  Oh well, regrets are worth what you're paid for for them.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

16 hours ago, Kieron said:

I hate making decisions like this because I always worry I am miss something or making a bad choice that I will regret later.  😥

I usually made these decisions myself anyway.  I’d do the research and he’d deal with the contractors  for price and scheduling.  Made it a team effort.  Only technical stuff I put totally in his hands.  I’ve had to make some big decisions since he left.  Can’t think of any I’ve regretted except maybe this surgery.  It became necessary and  couldn’t talk to him about it to go into it with the motivation of his support. Different than windows, but we all want that input for our lives together.  Maybe what we are really feeling is if it will matter now.  Big things that change things we had with them.  Broken or upgrading.  I’ve not moved up to streaming TV because it takes 3 things to change and he would have liked  doing it and I just want the result.  I should have just said……we want them back.  Having that sharing back.  Even if it turned it a regret.  How many did we really have putting our heads together?  I only remember cars he bought on his own.  I pointed out things I saw.  We knew each other’s live together and apart that well.  

[Widow2015]

Probably the biggest investment I made after my husband passed was deciding on having the house painted.  It was quite costly, but I decided if I was going to eventually sell our home, it was in need of a new coat of paint.  I asked a few neighbors who they would recommend and went  with their recommendation.  The painter did an exceptional job even though it took awhile.  The results were perfect and he was an honest, trust worthy man. 

Wondering if Kieron might have someone in his area to ask for a recommendation ?  Home maintenance was not my responsibility other than discussing how and if we could spend the money.  Dee

[V. R.]

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Home maintenance was not my responsibility other than discussing how and if we could spend the money

Same with me Dee. My husband did all maintenance himself, even painted the outside of our house, with the help of a friend. Our house is the way it is thanks to my lovely husband. When I'm outside in the courtyard, I still stop for a few minutes and just stare at our house, talking to my husband, saying:"oh, you've done such a wondeful job. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, the house wouldn't be here. I know you're  here anyway, you have to be,I hear your beautiful sensual voice every second of my life and I feel you, smell you, we just can't see you."

[kayc]

I got my house painted last summer too, very happy with it!  In 17 years there's a LOT of decisions have to be made, I've had to deal with them all, I would gladly have someone to defer to but there is no one.  I do talk to neighbors, ask around, it helps.  I think the hardest things are going through surgery alone, I will never ever forget going to bed hungry following my GB surgery because the person didn't show up, also the other person didn't come through that was supposed to load my fire, went through that following hand surgery as well.  It's hard to find someone you can count on.  Also walking a super large dog with a broken right elbow (kudos to Arlie!  He was a great dog.  The best.)    Improvisation is important, I remember when I had right hand surgery and needed to walk Kodie (a strong puller), he has a lot of thick long mane so it's hard to hook the leash to his collar even with TWO hands as you can't see it!  Puppies don't hold still, and I couldn't figure out how to hook the leash on one handed...then it came to me!  I put a carabiner on his collar so it hung down and just had to stab for it with left hand, voilla!  I have it on still.

 

[kayc]

As for the garden he had....long gone.

[Gwenivere]

We certainly have had to become creative now that we are alone.  Some things I wonder why I never btho

[Widow2015]

11 hours ago, V. R. said:

When I'm outside in the courtyard, I still stop for a few minutes and just stare at our house, talking to my husband, saying:"oh, you've done such a wondeful job. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you, the house wouldn't be here. I know you're  here anyway, you have to be,I hear your beautiful sensual voice every second of my life and I feel you, smell you, we just can't see you."

VR, I too would be working in my yard or standing at my kitchen window and would envision how my husband used to move around our home maintaining, working in his woodshop, garage, our yard; just never sitting still very long.  Even though I am no longer in our home, my age and vision issues forced me to make the decision I had to move on.  It sounds like you and your children are well comfortable in your beautiful home your husband provided.  My home, sadly, became too difficult for me to maintain plus my son and his little family lived an hour away; I was missing seeing my two grandchildren grow.  The last day I drove away from "our home" I was crying like a baby knowing I would never go back.  I try not to think about "our home" because it is too painful.  I brought all my memories and as much as I could physically cram into  my smaller, more efficient manufactured home we built on my son's property.  

I, too, thank Bob daily for providing for me as he did.  I live comfortably, not extravagantly, just miss him so much and I will as long as I wake up every morning.  I know you can understand how much.   Sit and enjoy what your love created for your family and even though the deep hole in the middle of your chest reminds you how much his loss is; he is there with you. Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

The last day I drove away from "our home" I was crying like a baby knowing I would never go back.  I try not to think about "our home" because it is too painful.  I brought all my memories and as much as I could physically cram into  my smaller, more efficient manufactured home we built on my son's property.  

I, too, thank Bob daily for providing for me as he did.  I live comfortably, not extravagantly, just miss him so much and I will as long as I wake up every morning. 

I remember when you posted about that last day.  I haven’t left my home, but it’s been months and I so miss it.  I don’t know how you did it, but you have some wonders like seeing your grandchildren grow.  I don’t know how I’d choose  what memories to take.  Steve did a fantastic job planning our retirement.  Even pwhen we knew he’d be departing.  The goal was to never wind up dependent on the government.  We didn’t factor in major med crisis.  You have 13 years on me and I don’t know how I will hold up.  Health care can bankrupt one.   I’m just glad you are adjusting.  I don’t know about us and others here about waking up without them.  The whole day.  I have so much I want to talk to, experience with him.  Even this nightmare I’m in would be emotionally more tolerable knowing he was here.  That’s stating the obvious we all feel.

Getting close to having to pay for another month.  I know I can’t handle home, and I don’t feel I’m making enough progress here so it’s a tough thing.  Even if I did assisted living I’d have to move or rent furniture and no nursing or PT help.  I see no advantage of that.. I know my insurance wouldn’t pay a dime and I’d need hygiene help too.  I’d get meals, but on their schedule.  I saw this where I volunteered.  I’m not even sure how long my insurance will pay for home care.  If I were forced into assisted, I’m done.  All forward progression halted.  How many people could be so much better if it was affordable?  A lot abandoned by costs in the supposed most advanced country. I may be someone who can’t be improved, but can I afford to find out and broke?  
 

I watched the news about Russia and it’s heartbreaking.  When the local news came on more people killed in Seattle again.  A daily occurrence.  Talk of more things getting expensive.  Sometimes I don’t think I’d recognize good news if it was shining in neon.  Actually would have to have some to test that theory.   I’m willing!  
 

💕 to all.

 

 

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I haven’t left my home, but it’s been months and I so miss it.  I don’t know how you did it, but you have some wonders like seeing your grandchildren grow.  I don’t know how I’d choose  what memories to take.  Steve did a fantastic job planning our retirement.  Even when we knew he’d be departing.  The goal was to never wind up dependent on the government.  We didn’t factor in major med crisis.  You have 13 years on me and I don’t know how I will hold up.  Health care can bankrupt one.   I’m just glad you are adjusting.  

Gwen:  I totally understand how you are missing being home.   It is a year since I started moving boxes and furniture into my new home so I guess I am adjusting as well as I can.  I try not to think about the home where Bob and I lived since 1997 because if I do let my mind go there I get in a dark, sad place.  One evening I accidentally mentioned to my son how I missed my home and he responded with, "Aren't you happy living here?".  I had to assure him I was, but I do miss the life I had with his Dad.  My son tries so hard to keep me content.  I just have to be really careful what and how I share my feelings with him.

Assisted living costs could easily wipe out anyone's retirement savings.  I do hope there will be a better solution for your care so you can remain in where you and Steve made your home.  Living where you want to live is so important instead of having to make a choice that would be miserable for you.

Some days I do wonder if a smarter choice for me might have been a retirement home until so I would be forced to be around others.  My son's life is so busy there are days I don't see or talk to my son or grandkids.  Occasionally I might have a telephone conversation with my SIL and she tells me all the places she and her partner go.  I don't need that much activity but am hoping a trip to the drugstore or the grocery might be all the excitement I need.  Presently, I have conversations with the drivers who take me to my eye appointments. 

I so miss those wonderful mornings with Bob as we drank coffee and began our day.    I've rambled enough.  Good night and try not to watch the news, it is much too depressing.  Hugs, Dee

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Talk of more things getting expensive.

WM had SF chocolate syrup for $1.78, can't get it now, looked online $20+ for Hershey's!  That's insane, I downloaded a recipe.

Looked for Watkins caramel extract, paid $2+ last time, now it's $20 for 2.  Why???!  

I'm going to have to pay out and additional $200 for gas next month for all these trips to town for appts IF the gas price doesn't go up, otherwise more than that!  Can't afford to drive/eat!

Didn't watch the news the last couple of days, have it set to record but it didn't.  It's always bad.  Read the paper but it's always old by then.

6 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Some days I do wonder if a smarter choice for me might have been a retirement home until so I would be forced to be around others.  My son's life is so busy there are days I don't see or talk to my son or grandkids.

One reason I wouldn't want to move to be near mine, I do not know the area, they're out in the country but (IMO) the country here is so much prettier and I'm familiar with it, I don't like the nearby wall-to-wall cities there...I would have been okay with it 25 years ago but not now, I like familiar.  And I love my neighbors.  Kodie loves his life.  Will stay here as long as I can.  I know the time will come, esp. since I have no one here...

Retirement home doesn't sound appealing to me, too much noise, hustle, bustle, I like some solitude.

[Gwenivere]

20 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

accidentally mentioned to my son how I missed my home and he responded with, "Aren't you happy living here?".  I had to assure him I was, but I do miss the life I had with his Dad.

Oops.  We forget that our grief is so different.  Yes, he lost his wonderful father, but he has so much going on in his life and it’s in the normal cycle.  It hurts tho. I know the last thing you want him to feel is he is failing his mother.  I have to choose my words carefully with some people. 
 

20 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Living where you want to live is so important instead of having to make a choice that would be miserable for you.

I am getting very concerned.  I’m going to stay in rehab longer, but I plan on counting on the pros and cons as this is a huge decision.  I could hobble around my house, but I’d be very dependent on home health and Dee.  I have to talk to the surgeon about why this is so much worse.  In all this time I have not improved in posture.  Also, if I did surrender to assisted living or worse, how do I get my house cleaned out?  How do I give up the last 38 years of my life?  I don’t have house payments anymore, but there are still expenses,  taxes a huge one.  Steve and I thought we’d each die there.  Not involve other places that would require getting rid of most of its contents.  I’d want to keep the hutch me built me for a corner but change its contents.  There are so many things that now take on meaning more at the thoughts of them being gone.  I see why it took you so long, Dee.  Just writing this paragraph overwhelms me.  
 

I'd need to have access to people too.  I’ve done the alone route and it’s mentally too hard.  It’s why I play bingo when I don’t really care for it.  It’s the connecting.  Finding alone time is extremely simple.  

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Oops.  We forget that our grief is so different.  Yes, he lost his wonderful father, but he has so much going on in his life and it’s in the normal cycle.  It hurts tho. I know the last thing you want him to feel is he is failing his mother.  

I am getting very concerned.  I’m going to stay in rehab longer, but I plan on counting on the pros and cons as this is a huge decision.  I could hobble around my house, but I’d be very dependent on home health and Dee.  I have to talk to the surgeon about why this is so much worse.  In all this time I have not improved in posture.  Also, if I did surrender to assisted living or worse, how do I get my house cleaned out?  How do I give up the last 38 years of my life?  I don’t have house payments anymore, but there are still expenses,  taxes a huge one.  Steve and I thought we’d each die there.  Not involve other places that would require getting rid of most of its contents.  I’d want to keep the hutch me built me for a corner but change its contents.  There are so many things that now take on meaning more at the thoughts of them being gone.  I see why it took you so long, Dee.  Just writing this paragraph overwhelms me.  
 

Yes, it took a long time to decide what goes with me and what I passed down to others or disposed of.  I wouldn't worry too much yet on what you need to do in that capacity.  You need all your strength and energy to get stronger.  When you are stronger you may decide you can stay in your home.   I understand thinking about what has to be done can be overwhelming.  Bob passed in 2015, I decided on where and what I would do in 2020 and I physically moved in 2021.  And, like you said previously, I have 13 years on you which changes my dynamics somewhat.  I can imagine how easy it is for you to be thinking about all the "what if's this happens or that happens ".  This is when it would be so nice to be able to push a button and turn off the brain.

I wish there were an easy answer to how can you give up 38 years of a life you loved so deeply.  I honestly don't feel I gave up our life together.  Those years are the memories I have inside me and they will always be with me even though I can't have Bob physically here with me.   We all know it isn't easy but sometimes life isn't easy, is it?

Tonight my grandson asked me if I would send him a particular picture of him and his Grandpa.  I told him it would take a while cause it was on an old laptop.  I dreaded looking through old photos but I find it difficult to say no to my grandson.  The tears flowed realizing those happy times will be no more, but it did remind me of what we once all had together. Dee😢