Another wedding anniversary alone

[scba]

22 hours ago, kayc said:

Shirley, I'm so glad for you!  You found a perfect solution and I'm so glad.

Dear Kay, I don`t know in which thread this was, but I too join the others with thoughts and prayers for you and your health.

Ana

[Karen OB]

I just lost my husband on February 9, a bit less than 3 months ago. My husband’s best friend is getting married on September 20th. September 16 would have been our 30th anniversary. I don’t know how I can go to the wedding and not sob. On top of that our daughter is getting married in October with no father to walk her down the aisle. I don’t know how I can do this alone. 

[shebert56]

Karen, wanted to send you love and light.  I am so sorry to hear of your beloved husband's departure.

I am sure others will share words of wisdom regarding the upcoming weddings.  But I can say I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary May 2 (my Stephen departed in August 2018).  I choose not to say "would have been."  My soul is eternally connected to his, so I am married to him for all of time, wherever that time may be.

I can validate that being part of this community/tribe has been a lifesaver for me.  This is a safe place.  

We'd be honored to hear more about your husband.  Say his name - for me saying Stephen keeps his memory real and forward.  Share your thoughts, your pain, your anger - we've been there. 

Hugs,

~Shirley

[Margm]

I still buy Billy cards for special occasions. I place them by his urn.  I also sign his name on the cards that I give.  He worked 38 years for the retirement so when I give something to a family member, so did he.  I'm afraid it makes them cry but I'm not gonna quit.  Makes him still part  of my life.  I talk to Billy still, often, anywhere I am.  See something at Walmart, I remind him of happier times.  Sometimes I don't feel he is gone, I just cannot see him.  He is there.

[Johnny]

Looking at the pictures of my wedding day it is hard for me to imagine now that I am that guy I see in the pictures. I lost my wife so soon after we married. We had not even yet begun to settle into our lives as a married couple. Every day was filled with newness and first. Even the little things we shared took on new meaning because now we were sharing them together for the first time as husband and wife. When we both realized these things shortly after we were married we would just look at each other longingly and smile. We did it. We finally did it and it was perfect. We could not have asked for anything better. All the joy and happiness of that day would fuel all our days ahead.

This is so very, very hard, and I know I am not alone in my feelings of such great unexpected loss. I am truly very thankful for all here. It helps me get through the days somehow.

Today was another difficult day not because of anything that was going on as much as the grief just came back all of the sudden and knocked me to my knees. I wasn't expecting it. It just came out of nowhere and blindsided me. It must have been building all the while I was unawares.

Sometimes I guess it's just like a dam bursting over and there is no holding back the waters.

[widow'15]

Karen OB:  So sorry you are at this place in your life and have become a participant in this forum.  Since you are here now, you have chosen well.  There are lots of nice supporting folks here that will help you just by caring how you feel. 

You are only 3 months into this grief so I can't imagine how frightened you are to face an occasion that is suppose to be celebrated when your heart is unable to remember how to beat.   Not sure what I would do in your place to be honest with you.  But, maybe by September you will have a different feeling.  Just take one day at a time and get through it before you tackle the next day.  I lost my husband in 2015 and am still only able to deal with one day at a time.   Dee

 

[Kieron]

1 hour ago, Johnny said:

the grief just came back all of the sudden and knocked me to my knees.

Johnny, it will do that, and often, for awhile longer.  Let it, whenever you can, even though you'll feel like you're about to throw up from the pain, and your knees get sore.  Those waters you mention have got to go somewhere, so let it do its thing.  I'm so sorry that lost everything so soon and so cruelly.  I can only shake my head at the unfairness of it.  😖

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Karen OB said:

I just lost my husband on February 9, a bit less than 3 months ago. My husband’s best friend is getting married on September 20th. September 16 would have been our 30th anniversary. I don’t know how I can go to the wedding and not sob. On top of that our daughter is getting married in October with no father to walk her down the aisle. I don’t know how I can do this alone. 

@Karen OB  I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband 14 years ago Father's Day.  Attending a wedding this soon is going to be hard, but wanting to represent your husband there, could you have a friend or sister accompany you?  Or maybe your daughter?  

It will be up to your daughter how to handle her wedding without her day.  She may have an uncle or grandparent or friend walk her down the aisle, everyone handles it differently, I even heard of one who had her mom do it, but she also might choose to walk alone...this will be hers to consider and decide.  I hope you are surrounded by family sharing in her special day so you don't feel so alone.  I know it's hard to get used to your husband not being there with you, very hard.

I hope you'll continue coming here and posting.  We're here listening and want to be here for you on this journey.  I wrote this article at about ten years out, what I've found to be of help, I hope something in it is of help to you, if not now, at some point on down the road.  The best advice I got was to take one day at a time, break it down to an hour or minute as needed.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Karen OB]

I appreciate all the kind words. I stumbled upon this site when I was looking for a support group near me-I’m glad I did. It’s helpful to know that other people are going through this and I’m not alone. I’ve felt that I am not handling my grief “properly” or that I should be done grieving by now since it’s been three months. Reading these posts make me realize that there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve and there is no timetable for how long you grieve. I hope to come back often. 

Thank you,

Karen

[Kieron]

I'm glad you have been able to come to this valuable realization!  Yes, the whole idea of a grief timetable is a complete fiction that does a lot of harm to ordinary people struggling to cope in a society that would rather not look too closely at death, loss and grief.

[kayc]

Three months...I'm glad you realize now that three months is a drop in the bucket, don't mean to scare you, but we miss and love them the rest of our lives.  I've learned not to fear grief, it's become my companion.  Part of my grief learning is in realizing that the grief does not stay the same, it evolves, the intensity lessens eventually, I don't think we could handle it if every day from here on out was as bad as the day we learned they died, at least to me nothing seemed as bad as that day.

I hope you'll come here and post and read, it literally saved my life, knowing that what I was experiencing was normal for grief, and that there are others here that get it.  I've learned so much from each one here!

 

[David s]

Coming up on what would have been our tenth glad I found this site before that. 

[Margm]

Would have been 58 on July 3rd.  Will buy the card and put it next to his wooden urn, as always.  But, we are not guaranteed tomorrow.

[David s]

Glad you are where you need to be. Sure hope I am not there in that many years

[george p]

I am fairly new to this site, but have found it very helpful .

 Today would have been our 59th anniversary , it will be a real### , but I have been trying to follow the advice of my grief counselor and so many people on this site, one step at a time.  I am like a yoyo and I expect it to be that way for a while.

 I try my best to focus on the good times we had (there were many) , but it is hard to do with tears in my eyes. I remind myself over and over that we were very fortunate in our life together , so many people are not.

I have been trying to not focus too much on the future, past what am I going to fix for supper tonight . I joined a gym and do the AARP Silver Sneakers group , it has been helpful , it is a start. I am fortunate to be in pretty good health for 80 years old and I see that every time I have my INR checked ( I go today ). Physically I do pretty well , mentally is still a huge work in progress, this site helps because it is here 24/7 . Just putting my feelings on the page seems to help. A lot of my support group have a lot of problems and I do not want to add to them. They want to help , but they really don't know how. I do have a good friend who has lost his wife, but it was 15 years ago.

 I have been trying to get at least one thing done a day, I used to buy a lot when I went to the grocery store ( I have been doing that for some time because Mary had mobility issues) , but now I may go buy just a couple of things at a time just to give me something to focus on. Today is INR day,  Walgreens has the coffee I love on sale , I hate to pay full price for coffee even if it means making a special trip ( it is only two blocks from me) .  So I have two things to focus on , also it is exercise day , it will be a busy day.

Just reading some of the post makes me realize how many people are in the same place and we will all survive .

George P

 

[iPraiseHim]

On 5/30/2019 at 8:45 AM, george p said:

I am fairly new to this site, but have found it very helpful .

 Today would have been our 59th anniversary , it will be a real### , but I have been trying to follow the advice of my grief counselor and so many people on this site, one step at a time.  I am like a yoyo and I expect it to be that way for a while.

 I try my best to focus on the good times we had (there were many) , but it is hard to do with tears in my eyes. I remind myself over and over that we were very fortunate in our life together , so many people are not.

I have been trying to not focus too much on the future, past what am I going to fix for supper tonight . I joined a gym and do the AARP Silver Sneakers group , it has been helpful , it is a start. I am fortunate to be in pretty good health for 80 years old and I see that every time I have my INR checked ( I go today ). Physically I do pretty well , mentally is still a huge work in progress, this site helps because it is here 24/7 . Just putting my feelings on the page seems to help. A lot of my support group have a lot of problems and I do not want to add to them. They want to help , but they really don't know how. I do have a good friend who has lost his wife, but it was 15 years ago.

 I have been trying to get at least one thing done a day, I used to buy a lot when I went to the grocery store ( I have been doing that for some time because Mary had mobility issues) , but now I may go buy just a couple of things at a time just to give me something to focus on. Today is INR day,  Walgreens has the coffee I love on sale , I hate to pay full price for coffee even if it means making a special trip ( it is only two blocks from me) .  So I have two things to focus on , also it is exercise day , it will be a busy day.

Just reading some of the post makes me realize how many people are in the same place and we will all survive .

George P

 

George, You are doing better than you know.  Don't worry about the leaky eyes and roller coaster feelings.  You are doing good things and are on the right path.  Most people outside of this group do not truly understanding and deal with this grief and healing journey.  I just joined a gym six months ago and have noticed some good improvements in my strength, balance and stamina.

The good memories are what sustain me in the darker times.  Feelings will come and go. Over time they will become less intense.  They still hit me out of the blue for no particular reason.  I just feel them and keep moving forward. Just keep  doing, sharing, reading, learning, adapting and growing.  😊 - George C. - Shalom

[kayc]

@george p  I'm sure today is very hard for you.  Your plan not to think too much past what to have for supper, and keeping busy is about the best we can do.  Sending you hugs...

[george p]

Thank you for the support.

 I am not sure where my head is at, I went to Mary's grave site to wish her a happy anniversary and discovered I had the date screwed up, it was the 27th not today. I had to make 3 trips to one bank to get my name right on the trust account I am setting up, you would think I would know my own name. The lady at the bank was very kind, I had okayed all of the papers but missed my name being misspelled.

I was mildly sick on the 27th , maybe I was being scolded for not remembering correctly.

 It what all I have messed up so far is all of I will be in good shape.

George P

  

[Gwenivere]

Grief Brain.  BTDT many many times.  Sometimes I’m surprised I mike it thru a day that involves finances or other worldly tasks.  All normal, George.  Awful,  but normal.

[scba]

It's my turn. Today is our anniversary. 4 years together against 5 years only me. I feel so much pain right now that I can't remember how we celebrated. I will survive today, just don't know how. My heart is breaking in million pieces of glass, and I'm walking barefoot.

 

[Margm]

Ana, I cannot remember us ever "celebrating" our anniversary.  I do remember  on our 25th my daughter and two of her friends had a big banner and cake waiting on us when we got home from the Sacramento Mountains in New Mexico.  Billy and I spent the night of our 25th sleeping on cots in a tent up in the Sacramento Mountains in southern New Mexico.  It was a beautiful apple orchard.  We were "healthy eating" and had fixed carrots, potatoes, and onions inside a beef bouillon packet wrapped in aluminum foil and baked in the coals of our campfire.  There was a little mountain stream running down to  the Rio Penasco river and we kept our  watermelon in that stream for dessert.  The river was so small you could step across it, but Billy caught his first trout, and he and the fish were hooked.  He let the fish go and now he, himself, in body is gone, but not from my heart.  On our 50th we got new engraved rings.  His was too big and he lost it in the little lake in Arkansas.  I have mine on.  

I cannot say Happy Anniversary, I know it is not happy, and I wish you all could have had as many years as Billy and I had.  It does not make me hurt less, just fills my head and heart with too many memories that are bittersweet.  Tomorrow my  mama would be 98-years-old.  I wish her little mind could have enjoyed old age.  I slept till 12:00 noon today but did not look at the clock when I quit reading.  I have not slept this late unless I was bad sick, and once before my daughter was born and she will be 52 in July.

I wish you well today, I am sorry the grief is so hard.  Sometimes the grief is as deep as the love was and still is.  The summer months bring my family's birthdays and our anniversary.    

 

[george p]

Mary & I didn't have a real celebration on most of our anniversaries , maybe a quiet dinner out, but we did plan a lot of great trips around our date. On our 50th we had a small gathering with some of our family , but we were on our way to one of our favorite places on the southern coast of Oregon , so it was just an afternoon at her brothers home .  

 I have been trying to focus on the really great times we had over the years and all of the good trips we took. It seems to be working for the time being, I love the card that Marg M posted it says just the right thing, thanks for sending it.

 I live near some of the best outdoor camping areas in the western part of the country (the 4 corners area) ,but my idea of a great campout is at a bed & breakfast in Silverton, Colorado. A lot of people around really enjoy the outdoors , but I never was one that did much of it. I really enjoy driving in the mountains , but I want a bed at night.

 A phone call from one of my Grandsons and the card made my day a lot brighter.

 George P 

[shebert56]

Not an anniversary (I had that in May), but today is Stephen's 56th birthday and the first with him in the spirit world.  I woke up just filled with love for him.  I picked up his favorite cupcake yesterday, put a candle on that, sang happy birthday, had a little chat with him, then blew out the candle and ate the cupcake.  I'm sure he rolled his eyes, as he didn't care for the birthday fuss.  💚

Grief still reaches up, but not today.  Today is sacred space.  

Hugs,

~Shirley

[Margm]

Me and Billy, "just  having fun."  ........and making memories over Brushy Creek.  

[kayc]

Ana, I wish I'd read this yesterday, sending you thoughts of comfort, I know this is hard...it's now been 6 1/2 years I had him and 14 years I haven't, hard to believe, how can that be.

It's the everyday life I miss with him, waking up, fixing him breakfast, having devotions together before he went off to work, coming home after work and having dinner, cuddling on the loveseat, no matter how many years we could have had together, I knew the "newlywed" status would never wear off, but I'd hoped to see 20 years minimum, it doesn't seem possible he could die so young.  He looked the picture of health, he had a great body and worked so hard, how could he have a heart attack?!  Alas it attacks young, old, fat, thin, it knows no bounds.