My Sanity Needed Vents

[KarenK]

Gwen, don't know if this is an option for you, but if the van is running now, you should be able to take it to O'Reilly Auto Parts. They put a new battery in my truck for me.

A glimmer of dishwasher hope......An experienced tech showed up yesterday. After explaining everything, he looked at the broken part and was astounded that the original tech had not ordered the part he broke. He ordered it right then and reset the appt. for May 26. So another long wait for a part. Will see how this plays out. Would really like to talk to this "Stupidvisor" that's supposed to return my call. I plan to ask her if their reps are specifically trained to lie to customers.

Other than that, I'm really depressed. Like you Gwen, I'm falling apart faster than I can keep up with. In addition to my vision difficulties, I broke off another one of my remaining 7 teeth while eating a piece of bread earlier. That tooth was the anchor for my denture device, so that will have to be reworked. I think I'll just wear a mask the rest of my life and learn to love soup.

Just rambling on here.

[kayc]

Gwen, I know you can't get around well, I know you're in pain, but you can order a battery tender (and a charger) from home and have someone from a local garage come out and put it on, both very easy!  Or even your guy friend next time he can come.  I sure wish you had a helpful neighbor!  

I got up and hit my head on the bathroom door at bedtime last night, same spot as two months ago, thought I was going to pass out, it hurt so bad!  Still hasn't healed from before, and they're billing $2,900.00 and insurance isn't paying!  My sister said she'd call an ambulance, I said a loud NOOOO!  I sat down with Kodie and iced it for a long time.  BS up this morning but at least BP is normal, amazingly.

Lately my things aren't loading properly, not sure if it's the internet, which isn't the greatest, or my PC.  Frustrating.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, KarenK said:

if the van is running now

It wouldn't start, battery is dead.

Oh Karen, OH NO!  I'm sorry you broke that important tooth!  I hope enough is there that they can do a restoration so it can continue being an anchor for you.  It seems we spend so much time trying to get by or do something with our health.  I never knew this would be a full time job.

[Gwenivere]

The battery charge seems to be holding.  I’m so struggling with walking pain I can’t fathom going to get a new one installed.  AAA said they could deliver one, but someone told me theirs are crappy ones.  Just having made a trek to the mailbox I’m depressed at how much it hurt and the thoughtof doing anything physical.  I’m so burned out on this, haven’t heard from the doc, don’t want to call again, just in utter frustration.  
 

im so sorry about you tooth, Karen.  Thoughts of problems plague me because of it being so painful to even be in a dentists chair.  I hope yours is a relatively easy fix.  My DW appointment is Wednesday so we’ll see how that goes.  
 

I need to order pillar candles for my fireplace and wondering how I will get them in and unpacked.  I was doing laundry last night that I have to finish today and it’s minor stuff.  But I couldn’t do it all.  I about shrieked in pain putting a shirt over a door to dry.  I can’t live my life sitting, but that’s the only pain free time I have.  It’s cost me by muscle breakdown already.  My thyroid has caused edema so I had to buy new jeans from the weight gained bloating in my belly.  
 

the thing is, I don’t know what to do.  I can’t seem to proactively get help that works.   They toss meds at me I’ve tried and make things worse.  I tolerated that when I could walk.  That tolerance is gone.  My body is shot in so many ways.  I don’t have a clue how you unravel it or prioritize as the back is number one, but the other stuff is so hard too to add to the intense surgery they offer.  I don’t think I’m fixable and that scares me the most.  

[kayc]

I'm glad the battery is holding a charge at least!  I had a brand new battery on my truck (Les Schwab) and it didn't hold five days!  I had them recharge it, that's when I ordered a battery tender and hooked it up.  No more problems.  I don't know if something in the electrical drains it or what.

[Gwenivere]

I think the battery is just old.  I drive the van maybe twice a year.  Once for gas, once for an oil change.  The battery tender sounds like a device I would have to find a place for to charge.  Can’t think of anywhere I could get to easily, plus I can’t open the hood anymore.  It’s just another way I’ve lost independence from being old and an aging body to reinforce it.  I know someone older who is go to go.  Slower than in her youth but runs circles around me.  I just filled my morning pill boxes, hung up a shirt, carried a bit of trash to the kitchen, threw Mel’s ball a couple times and taking a break before getting the birds fresh food and water.  
 

made an appointment for garage door people for tomorrow.  Trying to be proactive as it’s acting weird.  Just 3 months after a $600+ fix last year so not covered in the year warranty.  $80 to come out and whatever he finds.  Hopefully not much as the last trip replaced lots of parts.  Sears coming too.  I was told no charge on this trip.

have counseling today.  Had my thoughts organized about what to talk about, but they’re scrambled now.  Have heard nothing back from the docs I reached out to for pain and edema.  
 

Will have to get out for a bit.  Just have the PO on my list.  Will hardly cover being out long.  Deciding on a shower today or push it a day to coincide better with upcoming plans later in the week.  Then I realize my making plans is kinda silly.  I never know if each morning is the day I can’t physically do it anymore.  But, not making plans doesn’t work either.  I’ll push myself to the limit to do them.  
 

had a virtual grief support group meeting last night.  It was more intense than any other we had about touching those deep feelings.  Never saw so many tears or people that just couldn’t speak.  Lasted almost 2 hours.  Exhausting.  People put words to things I hadn’t.  Almost all of us don’t know how to fit in the world anymore and the ways we have to are uncomfortable now as opposed to how we easily did.  Every story was unique but the feeling was not.  A lot was how we met and how that can’t be repeated due to being older and having already done that and developed what takes years to create.  Living with that knowledge. Yeah, it would be nice to have companionship, but that’s all it would be.  Not what we truly crave with who we lost.

[kayc]

It seems the pandemic changed everything not just temporarily, I no longer get calls from friends and after initiating them all, I've given up.  Everything we were used to is gone.  Gone are my scrabble dates.  Oh well.  Pretty lonely existence.

Wow, two hours for grief support meeting?  That's a long time!

Good luck with all you have in store today.  I have a dental appt. out of town, lots of errands, sitting in line to get gas, groceries to get.  I hope Kodie gets a play date sometime today as we'll be going to my son's for a couple of days and he doesn't get much fun then, can't roam in their yard as he can escape, their dog getting old and crotchety with him.  It'll be good to see the grandkids but not sure I'm up to taking care of them overnight!

[nashreed]

I suppose I'm very fortunate that I've been invited by my old school friend to go out to a pizza place. My anxiety is still tingling a bit, but I've been assured its not like a Chuck-E-Cheese.  I'm trying to look at the positives today. The sun is out and I guess I need the grey mood to be gone too. It doesn't do me any good.

[Gwenivere]

Sears did it again!  They had no intention of keeping my appointment today and never called to tell me.  Said a tech had to come out and see what part to replace, get it ordered, sent to me and then come back when I got it.  I lost it.  Demanded a supervisor (which is a joke as they are glorified reps) and ranted at her for half an hour.  I kept telling her I was told the part was ordered on Sears dime as the last one failed.  She had no record anything was ordered.  Couldn’t get a reason why they booked and sent me an email verifying today was on.  No tech was assigned to my order.  I pressed her mercilessly and she finally found the part was ordered and being sent to me.  I call when it arrives.  I got an email as I wanted tracking info.  Got the mail, no tracking number.  I asked about getting my money back but was told they’d keeping the service call to install the part.  If I hadn’t just had to buy a new battery for Steve’s van, I’d say screw it and just call someone else, but I’d have to pay for the part again.  If I could make it happen, I’d get every dime I paid back and start over with someone else.  This is so unreal for a repair.  Had someone out to fix my garage door and they charged me a full service call and it was the dog food  bin that t was touching.  Called them just to say I thought it would be good business to offer lower rates for such things and they refunded me half.  All these other companies called too.  Sears just leaves you hanging, that’s why I called to verify.  And to tell a customer yeah, we see the appointment but it’s not happening?   What is that?  Arg!  I’m so angry still.  Took a drive to cool off.  I just want them out of my life!  
 

Just had to get that out.   Man, I wish Steve were here.  He would have really raised hell and gotten thru to  corporate.  Him being from that tower in his job.  He’d find a way. Maybe that’s my next call.  
 

time for a Xanax and a nap.  What a wasted day except for getting the van and garage door handled.  

 

[KarenK]

Gwen, all my sympathies over your dishwasher fiasco. Both of our repairs have received the worst service from Sears that I have experienced in 30 years. They have always been such a reliable company in the past until Kmart bought them out. What a mess after that! I so hate the way we are lied to about things. At least you got an opportunity to bitch to a stupidvisor. No one ever called me back. I've actually only had one appointment over several years when the tech didn't show up(last year). It's all the other crap they pull that ticks me off.

[kayc]

Gwen, you're amazing at getting people to respond, and for Sears to do this is abominable!  I've always ordered appliances from Sears but the last time I had a refrigerator delivered (previous one lasted 5 1/2 years) they were supposed to set it up.  Well they got the hot/cold water lines reversed.  With my damaged hands I have no strength.  I called immediately after they left to have them turn the employees back around.  Three hours later, nothing.  So my neighbor lady and I together managed to switch the lines and test it out.  THEN they showed up!  I told them not to touch it as it was working, but they did anyway, got a leak, after I got them out of there, got it tightened, no easy feat with 30% strength in my right hand.  I rated them bad, never heard back.

I'd report them on Yelp and Better Business Bureau!

What'd you have done for the van?

[Gwenivere]

15 hours ago, KarenK said:

It’s all the other crap they pull that ticks me off.

Oh yeah!  Telling me parts were ordered that I now see were placed after I reeled them out yesterday.  The lies.  If I can summon the energy, I want to contact corporate. Screw these reps.

 

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I'd report them on Yelp and Better Business Bureau!

What'd you have done for the van?

Excellent idea Kay.  I’d like to get this documented for future people considering them from their old reputation which is long gone.  
 

Ii got a new battery for their van.  Cost my a lot extra for them to deliver, but worth it to me.  I got it from Les Schwab so I hope it’s a good one.  AAA has them, but the reviews were terrible.  Saw some bad ones for this place too. Just hoping it wasn’t a mistake.  I don’t want to fight any more wars.  It’s bad enough I got this one still going with Sears.  Just thinking about it stresses me out.  
 

landcapers here today.  Don’t know if they will have time to do everything, but I don’t anticipate problems.  Might be dangerous to think that.  At least it’s a counseling day as I had another dream last night I did something great and couldn’t get whoever I wanted to show to have time for me.  I felt so good I had accomplished something and then crushed they wouldn’t look at it.  I eventually smashed it, started crying and woke up.  Woke up to this ‘wonderful' life I have.  What a joke.  Sick one at that.

[kayc]

Les Schwab is usually good quality but they reneged on their warranty on my pickup's battery, which annoyed me.  I go to our local shop now and haven't used Les Schwab since. It was when our local Les Schwab transferred their files to another branch as they went out of business but the warranty should have been good at any branch!

[Gwenivere]

Got a notice I was dreading in the mail today.  My dentist of decades is retiring.  Another frigging change to now make things unsettled.  We had plans on future needs and I trusted him implicitly.   Also my hygienist.  Now I have to change to a guy close and hope he’s as good.  I think he’s my dentists dentist.  My hygienist I think works there some days.  Have to find out if they have nitrous as I can’t stand it without.  Not even cleanings.
 

I'm so tired of changes.  I don’t feel I can ever relax anymore.  Depend on anything. I guess it’s that time of life.  I’m not the only one getting older.  Even my less than stellar doctor is cutting his hours to spend more time with his family.  I actually admire that he doesn’t want to miss his kids growing up.  But it does affect his patients.  It’s a whole new world we elders have to adapt to.  None of this medical/dental stuff was an issue way back when.  Twice a year cleanings and once a month check in’s with my great doc.  I actually looked forward to them.  He wasn’t bound by all the restrictions they push on them now and wouldn’t have cared if they did.  He cared more for his patients than his prescribing record.  His philosophy was that’s what these meds were made for.  He did take on my insurance a few times always saying.....this is my patient and who has the MD on their name?   
 

so now dental worries.  If my teeth were more stable it would be less stressful obviously.  I don’t know how to do this transition.  I’m not as mobile to go in and talk so I hope they can answer if he can do what my guy was planning down the road in his office.  I shudder thinking of specialists.  
 

It’s things like this that make me feel less safe every day.   That my foundation that is so damaged is becoming even more so.  How long can it support me?   Everything I knew is disappearing and I’ll settle for the easiest because I’m too damned worn out.  Just getting up to going back to bed is a strenuous existence.  I always miss Steve.  These last couple years have been the biggest trial of sanity.  Now I’m looking ahead at more.  Wondering where the breaking point is.  If this had been balanced by some good things it would have made all the difference.  I didn’t plan it to be this way nor help it along. But I’m stuck with it anyway.  I don’t know if any of you have seen the show Charmed about the good witches.  I feel like what they call an 'innocent' preyed on by demons they help.  I’m not doing anything to hurt others or create bad karma.  Just doing my best and it feels so unfair.  Unfortunately there are no rescuers in this.  I’m alone.   Steve would be one, but we all know we lost that.  I miss his buffer between me and what has to be done.  That presence that said......WE'LL make thru, together.

[kayc]

Gwen, I hear you, I hated having my dentist and doctor retired, spent my adult life with both of them!  I hope you like the new one and can see your old hygienist.  To me it's like visiting old friends.  I still miss my dentist even though his daughter is nice (she took over his practice).

I don't know about karma, sometimes I want to believe in it but then so many bad things happen to good people that I know it has nothing to do with that.  If that were the case my first husband would not still be alive making people miserable!  (He was a monster...years ago I found out he'd been married 8 times, now he's on his 9+?)

[Gwenivere]

Why why why does it happen when I need to speak to someone at my insurance the computers are messed up?  I hate calling, waiting forever only to be told they can’t access any info.  Tried to get info on 4 claims, managed 2 because of plan rules, but 2 others that were corrected now say there was a reversal showing payments due.  Rep said it could be confusing explanation and I am not on the hook, but I really wanted to know as mistakes have been made before.  As some of us have discussed, it’s lke we have to babysit them.  Makes me wonder how many people have paid blindly for mistakes not checking them out.  I don’t get why so much gets mesed up tho sometimes with the providers.  I got a notice that my primary care clinic was closing and it was a different one. I about freaked just having lost my dentist.  This prompted me to call the new dentist but decline a meet and greet for walking issues.  
 

have a virtual grief group tonight as well as getting a shower in before.  I was just outside tossing Mel's ball and winching.  That should be a good time.  She loves it.  I can’t feel that battling constantly to get thru the day.  I get relieved when she runs inside because she is done.  I have so much time, I wish I could enjoy that as she is now conditioned there are time restraints.  And their silly.  I just come inside to sit with the same pain.  I’ll take a drive to the PO and walk my mail in to be on my feet.

I don’t know if I’ll ever adapt to this massive time to kill.  Just to go to bed, deal with trying to sleep, I always loose half and hour turning over, just to do this again the next day.  So far I have, but it can’t go on forever.  I live in a lot of Scarlet O'Hara denial as a coping mechanism.  Or try to. 

[kayc]

I had a day from hell yesterday, hoping today goes better.  Have to help with church's garage sale Fri & Sat and haven't time to go through things to donate, wish I could as they may not have another one, it's a lot of work!  Also need to get my car in for oil change, at least this time I know not to get sucked in for a cabin air filter they charge a fortune for, I've learned they make a killing off changing them prematurely.  (one of the codes)

 

[Gwenivere]

Days from hell.  How they are becoming the norm.  
 

Yesterday I went to the grocery store.  Had to stand in line forever to get some lighters at customer service because I had the luck of the person in front of me sending money to Portugal.  My leg started giving out and I didn’t know if I’d make it thru.  I did and grabbed a few more things.  But that ramped up the pain for a very bad night.  Tried sleeping differently and today I see no improvement.   One thing I want to return so I’ll probably try in hopes I can to gain back some trust I can still count on shopping for myself.  I so hate feeling so helpless and alone.  It’s been 2 weeks I’ve asked for input from the back doc.  Add to the to do list again.  
 

I was throwing the ball for Mel and a baby blue jay was stuck in the yard.  She chased it but, thank goodness, did not hurt it.  I couldn’t figure out how I was going to get it out of the yard but it finally got under a fence and safe.  It was screaming a lot and momma showed up eventually.  Luckily it could fly some and I hope they were reunited.   
 

Sitting out there brought on some deep depression.  How I miss Steve and Ally.  Life going on instead of just sitting on the bench remembering.  How it will never come back out there, especially after shutting down the music studio.  I haven’t had the emotional energy to reach out to some of his friends to come snd take anything they want. I’m not attached to the stuff, it’s the meeting up with them I fear.  Don’t know if I could handle.  Don’t even know if my addys are even good anymore.  It was bad enough losing him.  Now losing his expression of passion.  
 

im so tired of roaming this earth without purpose or meaning.  The foundation kind. Trying to be a part of life but it is always slipping through my grasp.

[kayc]

I'm still working on getting my Rxs, good grief Optum RX is WORSE than CVS!  The rudeness and lack of caring amazes me.  The doctor even tried calling them on his day off, something I didn't think he should bother with.  May go back to buying my strips on line, but honestly, the ins. should cover it.  Trying to find out what they did with my BP Rx, it's not in the postal system and it was the first one okayed and marked "shipped."  Can't get them to look into it.

Good luck with your return, Gwen!  I'm sorry it took so long in line to pay, it's too bad someone didn't call another cashier for you.

[Gwenivere]

Did you ever get your meds, Kay?   I like the idea of mail order, but it has to run smoothly.  I use CVS snd it’s been relatively pain free.  Doesn’t your insurance pay wherever you get your supplies?  Seems it’s would require you to have to send in for reimbursement which is a pain.

my wait in line wasn’t something anyone else would have had a problem with unless they were handicapped too.  That is what annoyed me the most, my own body.  I deal with that everyday now.  Most painful going out today to get Mel some new chew bones.

im sitting here down because it’s Saturday night.  I hate Saturdays.  Never forget they were date night.  How much fun they were.  Before Steve retired or was sick, he would come home Friday and take a long nap to adjust to my vampire hours til Sunday.  We kept up date night as long as we could.  Driving around today all the changes were amplified.  Things gone, new things, passing the Chinese place we ate at on Xmas eve, a park we took the dogs to swim.  Now it’s my usual pre dinner nap, but no getting dressed and fav lipstick for our Mexican restaurant.  No kids to load into the car and have to bring leftovers home to.  Always watching us from the parking lot to hurry up!  
 

Now it’s Wheel of Fortune, nap, Arby’s take out and an episode of Mayans.  Why did things have to have been so good?  At times like this I wish we led dull lives.  I miss laughing and him so much.  😓
 

 

[kayc]

OMG the whole OptumRx thing was horrible!  They're sending one at a time for some reason instead all at once like CVS Caremark did.  I got one yesterday and it was changed, no potassium in it, I tried to find out if THEY made a change/mistake or if the doctor changed it, they said they never change them and I told them they were the ones who tried to send me the wrong test strips for my meter, not the doctor!  Another thing to deal with but doctor's closed on the weekends.  I am so sick of this.

No, the insurance dictates where I can get my Rxs.  Otherwise I'd be back with CVS after this experience they did a lot of bungling but would make it right eventually.  I use mail order because of where I live.

Did you get Mel's bones?  I hope so.  I didn't sit down until 8 pm so let Kodie stay up until 9 with me, got to bed at 10 which is really late for me.  Used to 8 hours sleep not 6.  

I made my first Keto pizza yesterday, it was wonderful, what a treat!  That was my big accomplishment for the day, took Kodie to his play date and got to talk with Jazzy's mom.  We went on a walk last night and he got to see Rocky & run with him.  He loves all the dogs in the neighborhood (except the mean ones).

[widow'15]

On 5/17/2021 at 3:01 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I don’t think I’m fixable and that scares me the most.

Gwen, I understand your fears about being scared about not being fixable.  My vision can be maintained as long as I can get to my retinal specialist for treatment, but am needing to find another RS closer to my new home.  The present RS is very comforting for my squirmy feelings so not looking forward to a change.  Like primary care physicians the RS all have different demeanor and touch. 

I finally went to my primary care doctor on Friday and after a year of no appointments I had to have an appointment in order to keep my prescriptions in force.  I feel lucky I haven't had to have appointments for so long.  Once I am relocated, I will also have to find another PC physician.  She did prescribe some pain pills for painful knees, only 20 pills,  and some sleep aide.    I hinted for Xanax but could tell from her eyes over her mask as she shook her head "no".

On 5/21/2021 at 2:25 PM, Gwenivere said:

 Have to find out if they have nitrous as I can’t stand it without.  Not even cleanings.

Oh my goodness.  You made my day, Gwen.  I have never had nitrous, but my wonderful hygienist has to deaden my whole mouth before she cleans my teeth.  Needles don't bother me, the sensitivity does.  I threatened her not to retire until I leave this earth.  LOL.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

No, the insurance dictates where I can get my Rxs.

This I will never understand for local stuff.  Mine is so picky it weeds out a couple Walgreens but others are OK.  One was mine forever and has a drive up and express pay.  Now I use another chain I have to drag my card out for.  But they have a drive thru close to me which I need.   I’m with CVS and so far it’s been OK.  
 

6 hours ago, kayc said:

got to bed at 10 which is really late for me.  Used to 8 hours sleep not 6.  

Wow, you get up at 4am?  I’m just crawling to bed!  Talk about reversed schedules!  I’ve gotten to dislike daytime as there is so little I can do.  At night just sitting makes sense for me.  Just kill the hours on my tablet.  Do a few things my back kinda allows but screams about nonetheless.  Makes sense to have the TV on.  Blinds closed and don’t have to watch the world going on as an outsider.  Noon to 6pm is long enough for that.

58 minutes ago, widow'15 said:

I hinted for Xanax but could tell from her eyes over her mask as she shook her head "no".

Oh geez!  I’m not surprised tho.  I keep hearing it’s 'over prescribed'.  Like to know who’s getting it as no doc I’ve seen since losing my old one left.  Had to get a shrink.  What a drag you have to find new doctors too.  I just did with a dentist and have yet to see if that goes OK.  Wouldn’t even know how to find a new doc.  Can you get a referral as they usually can try snd match by how your relationship was with them?   How far away are you moving?  I think you said it’s a considerable distance.  
 

once a dentist I had decades ago told me he couldn’t stand having his teeth cleaned sober, I felt so much better.  I figured if he couldn’t stand it, why should I?  Wouldn’t want  to be numbed tho.   But if you. have pain you need it.  I like the drifting and losing track of time.  Not really high, just dreamlike.  Actually hate when it ends.  But then, none of us are huge fans of reality now, are we?  

[Gin]

Karen,  thought of you today.  I have very bad teeth,  I broke off a crown and it is being replaced.  Should get it Wednesday.  Today my daughter and son-in- law took me out for lunch.  So good to get out.  Well, I pulled  out 2 fillings in the tooth NEXT to the one getting a new crown.  Crown is costing 1400.  Wonder what this will be.  Could be worse.    Gin

[KarenK]

Wow Gin! You're going for broke, teeth wise and financially, all at once!  I, at least try to wait a month or two between the destruction of each tooth. lol

My latest broken one is being pulled on Wed. The previous one broken off at the gum is still there, but is starting to bother me now, so it will have to go next. My last top left molar is half gone and temporarily filled. When that's gone, I'll be left with 6 whole teeth. Tried once eating with the dentures.....wasn't comfortable, so my diet is limited. Meat is mostly hamburger. I miss salad a lot, but lettuce is a no go.

I'll just keep wearing the ol' mask. Nobody to smile for anyway. 😐