Sometimes I Don't Want To Wake Up To Another Day Like This

[kayc]

I feel like a baby or a whiner, it has been, after all, 16 months since George died. I feel like I should be better at all this. Everyone has LONG since gone back to their lives and left me alone...let's see, that happened about two weeks after his death. Friends came by or called for the first year, now they're gone too. Most of them split immediately. But here I am still dealing with it. To lose my husband AND my job in one year is too much. Some people tell me I need to get away, go to the Bahamas for a while. That's funny. You see, some people got life insurance policies when their spouse died, some people's houses were paid off when they passed away...but for me, that didn't happen. We had looked into life insurance just a couple of months before he died but because he had diabetes most places didn't want to insure him and if they did, they were exhorbitant rates. How I wish we'd have gone ahead. At any rate, it's too late now. NOW I worry about losing my home and what's going to happen if I don't get a job THIS MONTH! I am scared. I noticed moss on the roof this week. George used to spray the roof to prevent that. I feel old and tired and don't want to deal with anything any more. I could go on antidepressants but that wouldn't really change anything...I'm still without a job, without my husband. I'm still alone. I still have decisions to make without him to consult. I still don't have him to hold me or make me feel better. I still don't have him to handle the car repairs, home repairs, etc. I still don't have him to help shoulder the financial responsibilities. I'm like my mom except I haven't gone off the deep end yet (she's been widowed 24 years and is totally out of reality, she's become a religious fanatic beyond reason and sanity...and who can blame her?)...but I kind of feel like I am living on the edge. 16 months and I should be doing better. Sometimes I feel I was doing better at 4 months than I am now...but I still had my job then. And at 16 months I feel nothing has gone away, nothing has changed. I maybe don't cry as often but it is still with me, I've just had to get used to it. What a way to live! I used to feel so close to God, I always had such strong faith, I am 54 years old and my whole life I have been close to God, had strong faith, but now my faith is just beaten up and battered and I know God is there but I don't feel His arms around me any more, I feel alone. My theology alone and my past experience with God saves me from throwing in the towel there too. I know I am depressed, I don't want to go to church and I've gone all my life...people don't understand and for the most part, don't care, don't try to reach me, don't know how if they wanted to. I don't know how to reach me. I feel like if I could get a job maybe I could get closer to "back to normal"...but maybe not. But at least I wouldn't have to worry about losing my home. My home is important to me...it's just an old wore out mobile home in the country, but the property is incredibly beautiful, and this is where I raised my kids, it's where George and I lived and where he was the happiest in his life...it's where I want his ashes scattered, and I don't want to scatter them here and then lose the place and not be able to visit him...we used to sit out on the porch swing and look up at the stars...he called it our home on the mountain. He said it in such an endearing way. I want to retire here. I am so scared...

[lorikelly]

Kaye

I am so sorry that you feel this way, i wish i lived close to you so i could help you. i understand how you feel. it stinks to feel this bad and i pray everyday that each and everyone of us will wake up and have a better day.

Can you go for counseling? maybe you could talk to someone. i know that finaces are hard for you but maybe there are some free services in your community. i go a bevreament group at a local church. we meet once a week for 7 weeks and i will be said when it ends. try to find something.

It makes it so much harder when you have to worry about finances. i don't want you to lose your home you shouldn't have to. how have your interviews being going? maybe now with the holidays coming you can find something. maybe it won't be the ideal job and pay you as much but it will give you some income and get you out of the house. i will pray to St. Jude for you.

Remenber you are not alone here and we are all here for you. i do think that if you need to take antidepressant to help then you should speak to your dr. at least talk to him . maybe you need something to help you through this very difficult time. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

lori

[spunkye]

My dear KayC.

I'm so sorry you're in such a sad, depressed and fearful state of mind. I wish I could wave a magic wand and have everything turn around to the positive for you.

I like what Lori said about talking to someone and looking into antidepressants. Today is 2 months since my husband, Dick, died, and the last three days have been the pits. I need to join a grief group - I need face-to-face support. That's one of my projects for the day - to start calling churches in the area (and out of the area) to see if there are any grief groups going on.

Kay, you give so much love and understanding on this site - so much encouragement and hope - I really hate to see you in such a down place - and I hate the thought of you losing your home. Can you re-finance or get a loan or something?...how old do you have to be to get a reverse mortgage - I know I'm pulling ideas out of my hat, but I so would like to be able to help!

Lori also spoke about the possibility of getting a job that maybe doesn't pay as much as you're used to - maybe that's something that could even lead to something better.

I think sometimes we just have to put one foot in front of the other - and as hard as it is - to really pray to trust God. Maybe he has a different - and better - plan than you have - than WE have. I have to keep believing that, because right now things look pretty bleak. I keep praying for enthusiasm, for hope, for trust, and for God to continue to heal my heart. Sometimes I feel close to God and sometimes I don't - I think the important thing is that we keep on praying - asking for guidance - regardless of how we feel....feelings are fickle and oftentimes they can't be trusted...the action is what counts, I've found - and to continue to pray regardless of what's going on or how I feel.

I haven't been going to church either - every week I say I'm going and every week I *don't*...I don't know what that's all about - but I did start going to a bible study at the church two weeks ago. It's during the day and I really like it - maybe you could find something at your church (or another church) that's not a Sunday service that would feed your soul.

So many of my words sound hollow as I write them - but my heart is saying I care and I trust that things will turn around for you - and I will pray that they do.

Love, Benita

[missingcharlie]

Kay - I am feeling so bad for you!! I, and the rest of us, understand what it's like to have lost one of our incomes. It's truly a struggle!! My husband made decent money and when he was still with me and working I decided to go back to being a mortgage loan officer and work on commission. NOW I'm worried because I have no backup. The market is VERY slow and I wonder, sometimes, where my money is going to come from. I am so very sad for you having lost your job - I know how scary that can be!! I, too, wish I could help you! I don't know what the job situation is there, but you need to try to find SOMETHING...even if it's not what you want, it would atleast be something. Hopefully your mortgage payments aren't very much. Is there anyone, family wise, that can help you out for a while? I know it's hard to ask.

Being in the mortgage business I DO know that you have to be 62 to do a reverse mortgage, so I'm thinking that is not an option. Depending on what your credit looks like, you might be able to refinance doing what they call a "no doc" loan which means you do not even have to have a job.

I truly hope things turn around for you. Having to worry about your home when you are grieving the loss of your husband is VERY unfair!!! My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.

Patti

[Laurie]

KayC, I have alot to say, but am in a rush. I feel terrible that you are feeling so alone. It's bad enough that we are going through something so heartbreaking and awful, it makes it so much harder when money and your comfort and security (your home) are at risk. I know, I'm really worried too. I've been making a million phone calls trying get get some type of assistance. I do have a part time job, and it pays too much to qualify for welfare. But I might be able to get food stamps and help with my gas and electric bills and free lunches for my kids. I know it's hard and exhausting making all those calls, but it's worth it if you can feel safe and secure knowing you can pay your bills. Just keep making calls-- tell them you need help. Please try, and let us know how you make out. Love, Laurie

[kayc]

Thank you for your replies. I have considered antidepressants but I don't feel that is a solution...I feel I am down because I am severely worried about not having a job and possibly losing my home. My unemployment runs out in a month. I am willing to take less money than I had been getting at my last job, but with the added expense of the commute I can't go very low...gas is still pretty high here. When the unemployment runs out, of course I will take anything I can get, but it won't pay the bills and they are pretty barebones, there's nothing to cut, I don't even have t.v. cable and my grocery budget is already pretty barebones. I mortgaged the house when George died and without a job, I don't think they'd redo it...and I hate to extend it anyway at my age. I have been on line looking for work all day, I don't know what else to do except to keep looking. I am letting go of my

$100.00/month bookkeeping job because it is a drain on my time and I don't think I'm even getting minimum wage out of it. I found someone to take it over and am supposed to start training her this week. That should help free up some of my time better needed for looking for work. There is a low cost counselor here but I don't really care for him. I have started going to a ladies bible study on Tuesday nights...it's pretty in depth, it's called "Lies Women Believe"...at least it gets me out of the house and with other people and into the Word a bit. I feel like if I can make it through this I can make it through anything. I hope I sound worse than I actually am...I'm not down all of the time, but I am very stressed over the job situation. I just find that the rest of the world seems to be so unrealistic when they tell you to go to the Bahamas, or "we should do lunch" when I am so broke. I don't think they have a clue, most of them have a spouse that is working. It's just another byproduct of losing someone, having to deal with financial problems. I do have an IRA but don't want to dip into it because of the penalties and taxes plus needing to put it back in...I guess I'll see what this next month holds first. I am supposed to hear back about my last job interview...if I don't get that one I may sign up with a temp. service or employment agency...it beats waiting until my unemployment runs out. Thanks for listening and for caring, I feel like there's nowhere else I can turn to talk to anyone, others might care but not have a clue what it's like to be here.

[chrissy777]

Kay C,

I wish there were something I could do to help you. I had the same situation with the life insurance. We applied for it but at the time Jason smoked and wanted to quit. The insurance company said we would save alot of money if we waited for a year after he quit and bam he got cancer so that was down the tubes. Unlike you though I rent so it is easier for me. I cant imagine how scary it must be, but I can tell just from your replies to others posts that you are strong. I hope you can find a way through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

[TerryB]

Kayc,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I also am very worried about money and hoping I always have enough to pay the bills. I just want to be able to keep my house. I can't imagine being anywhere else. Doug bought us this house and we raised the kids in this house. If I ever had to leave it I would feel farther away from him then ever before.

A consideration on the job search might be to look into taking state, county and city exams. You should be able to find the announcements online or at the employment or unemployment office. There is usually a fee but I do know in my state of residence they will waive it if you meet the income requirements.

The biggest problem is that it is a lengthly process and you need something right away. I will keep you in my prayers.

The antidepressants will not take away your problems but they may make it a little easier for you to cope. Just something to consider.

Terry

[MartyT]

Dearest Kay,

You are in my thoughts and prayers, too. You are such a dear and special part of our GH family, and it hurts my heart to know that you are struggling so. We're all pulling for you, and I just know that has to count for something! Keep your precious chin up and know that we are with you!

I've found some resources that I hope might offer you some alternatives, in case you haven't considered some of them:

Final Details: A Checklist

Final Details: Claiming Benefits

Final Details: Necessary Papers

Final Details: Steps to Take

Finances: Looking Ahead

Low Income Help

[ustwo]

KayC, I asked God to help you in a special prayer. I too wonder sometimes if HE's still listening but I believe He is. You and I are on the same time-line in this journey. I know it's still paralizing to try and reach out and re-enter the world....I have no self-esteeem left....no real will to do anything unless I absolutely have to. I am 3 years older than you are and never have I ever felt "out-dated" until Gene was gone from my side. I've applied for a couple of jobs but felt so intimidated talking to people who are nearly half my age about a position. Sometimes I think I have a big invisible sign around me that says "she's mourning...she's not quite up to par...she's not going to be able to concentrate". I gave up my job the year Gene retired early and moved us as we had planned...he was 59...a plan I had set in motion when he was 43 and had a by-pass that went wrong leaving him with only 40% of a working heart. It's a tight budget but it was planned for us to move and get part-time jobs until he could get Social Security.....so much for all those plans. Nearly everyday I re-examine the budget tweaking it to stretch everything out. KayC, I'll be your cheerleader.........Hang on! The temp agency sounds like a great option...I wish I had one here. What about a local unemployment office or a state unemployment office? None of this is fair...you suffer enough without this added burden. I am always thinking about you, pulling for some good to sweep over your days. Please God give KayC the job she needs and a little peace.

Always Gene!

Always@

[Whiteswan]

Hi Kayc. I relate to what you are saying even though I am grieving over my Mom's death (April 2/06). I too am struggling financially . I work but the past few yrs while I was taking care of my Mom during the major part of her sickness I went to part time hours so incurred a lot of debt and now I am trying to dig out. My Mom left everything to me including the house that my son and I have always lived in with her but instead of paying only half the expenses like when my Mom was alive I am now responsible for all of it and I have debts to pay as well. So it is a worry. I have the house up for sale as it is a large family home and my son, the animals and myself don't need nor can we afford a house this big. I love my Mom so much and really miss her which is bad enough but when we are also struggling in other areas of our lives as a result of the death of a loved one I think it complicates it all too -- added stress. I too have also struggled in my faith in all of this. I have always been very much a believer in God too and rarely ever missed Church but since my Mom died I have experienced similar to what you have been going through in that regard. I find comfort in reading the Psalms as the writers express a lot of the same feelings we are going through -ie- not feeling God's arms around us and so on. I think this is all normal when going through tremendous grief. I loved others dearly who died before my Mom and I grieved them too but nothing like this grief over my Mom! My Mom was my rock, my cushion in life and my best friend and losing her has been the most devastating pain I've ever felt in my life! I booked off work today because I got hit with a severe wave of grief out of nowhere this morning right after I took my son to school and I knew I was in no condition emotionally to take care of clients all day! I just hope work doesn't get ticked over some of these book offs! I also can't afford to be off work and I get mad at myself for booking off when I do because I need the money. It seems like grief causes one thing to spiral into another thing and it affects all areas of our lives in one way or another. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

[kayc]

Thank you, each of you who replied. I wanted to write this morning but didn't have time as I had an appt. with an employment agency out of town. Last night I went to my Bible Study...we are studying "Lies Women Believe", it is really good, very meaty. One of the things that hit me in the second chapter is "God is not good." The author says most people would never say that, however, we live as if that is what we think. That really hit me. I realized that was me, that I am living as if I don't believe God cares about me, that He has a plan for my life, that He will be my provider, that He wants good for me. A long time ago I read a book by Jean-Pierre De Caussade called "Abandonment to Divine Providence." In this book, the author talked about accepting whatever God sends our way as being from Him...it is a lot to swallow because a lot of things that happen in life do not seem good to us...yet if we can reach that point of acceptance and trust, it is a peaceful way to live. I know all of this, yet it seems to have slipped from my memory in more recent years, particularly in the last 1 1/2 years...I decided to make a determined effort to try to get back to that frame of mind and trust again. I feel as if I have moved away from God and need to include Him again. Last night as I was catching up my reading before Bible Study, so much was going on inside of me, I had to stop reading and pray. I felt I reached a point of surrender. Anyway, I decided I will do my part and leave the results up to Him. This morning I signed up at an employment agency, gave them my fee, viewed their listings, and tomorrow morning I will apply with those places in addition to the ones listed on the state's employment site. I have gone over my budget and know exactly how low I can go in wages. Funny thing is, I got a call from my former boss this afternoon and he said he is plugging for me to get hired by the company that is buying out his company. They received the resume I sent them and were asking him about me. I had to laugh as I had just paid the $180.00 fee to the employment agency, but no matter, it doesn't matter to me how I get a job, so long as I do. I have been praying that God would open and close doors as He saw fit since I am more finite and limited in my ability to know what to do...now I just need to trust that He is indeed doing just that. He knows what He is about, it's not for me to question Him, but rather to believe.

Anyway, I had a much better day today, I visited with my stepson and his sister, and that is always a real treat as I only get to see them once every few years...even learned he is going to be a father!

I am getting to the point of resignedness that whatever happens, happens...I can't alter anything by worrying about it, I DO have a responsibility to look for work and do my best, but that is all I can do.

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words and helpful advice. I intend to look up Marty's links this week as time permits. God bless each of you.

Edited October 26, 2006 by kayc

[lorikelly]

Kayc

I am so happy that you sound a little better. i to think i am feeling the same way about God. i just have to trust him more. i know that He is their, i just have to give it to HIM. Sometimes we just have to say God i can't do it anymore you have to take it from here. my mom always said God closes a door but opens a window (or something like that.). i am reading a great book on near death experiences which is really helping me. i was really starting to doubt that i would see my mom again. i found this book ( maybe my mom helped with that) and it really is good. i don't want to doubt so i am asking God to help me with that.

I am praying that you find a job that will be good for you and that God continues to help you on this long journey we all must travel. God Bless Lori

[kayc]

lorikelly,

I remember somewhere in the Bible it said "If anyone lacks faith to ask it of Him..." so I think you're on the right track. What is the name of the book you are reading? I remember reading a book on that by Betty Maltz years ago, it was interesting.

[lorikelly]

Kayc

The name of the book is The Case For Heaven Near Death Experiences as Evidence of the Afterlife by Mally Cox-Chapman. I also read Gods Gift of Love After Death Communications by Christine Duminiak that is also very good. i just need to read as much as i can, after i done with this book i am going to start on a book about regrets and how to move on, then on i am on to Motherless Daughters. it keeps my mind busy. lori

[jack's wife]

it is very difficult in the morning life has changed i find if i lay in bed and think i'm afraid i won't get out of bed

after i have coffee and read the newspaper and do a few chores i am better

until the evening comes around then i get lonely and bored and think of him in the chair across from me and my heart starts to ache for him ithink oh god how iloved that man

jack's wife i was always jack's wife i did not have my own identity and being jack's wife was what i always was and ever wanted to be

[kayc]

Jack's wife:

I haven't met you before and don't know your story except obviously, you have lost Jack and you are in pain. I am sorry you lost him, I welcome you to this site and hope you will find comfort here...you are certainly not alone, unfortunately there are a whole bunch of us who have lost our other half. It is a struggle to go on but we are all here doing this together. I wish you the best.